To not have said that DH is an alcoholic?

[upsideup]

DH pick up two of DS's friends from school and takes them to a club once a week and has been doing this for about 6 months as their parents can't take them.
The mum took DS out today to say thank you and stayed for a while after she dropped him home, she started talking about alcohol and I mentioned that DH an recovering alcoholic not realising that she didn't already know or that it would be a big deal and her face completely dropped. I said that he hadn't had a drink for 10 years since eldest dc was born but she nearly burst in to tears saying that she couldn't believe she's been letting her children be driven and looked after by an alcoholic and that didn't we think this is the sort of information we should share with people who are leaving their children with us.

Were we actually unreasonable to not have said? Would anyone else be concerned if you found this out someone who had been looking after your children just fine for half a year?

Well done to your DH!

The mum is an idiot.

Well, plenty of people behave differently under the influence of alcohol. Not all of those people go on to become alcoholics.

But alcoholics do destroy the lives of the people close to them, and some of those people will exhibit traits which they might not do if they’re sober.

Therefore it’s entirely possible that the OP’s DH was a nasty alcoholic rather than just one who came home and drank every night with no consequences.

There is usually a contributing factor which leads to alcoholics seeking help. It doesn’t have to be something they’ve necessarily done to someone but it often is.

To just state that the alcoholic has an illness and that all should be understanding is far too simplistic. People will recall their own experiences of alcoholism, sometimes it might be something close to home i.e. a parent or partner, or it could be that they’ve lost a loved one to drink driving. But it’s not reasonable to state that someone is an alcoholic and think that everyone is going to say “well done that man,” without knowing or wondering about the circumstances.

As I said, I wouldn’t judge the OP for not having mentioned it before. But neither would I judge the other mum for drawing conclusions now that she knows. It’s human nature.

Summergems what you're saying is dangerously close to blaming the alcohol for how a person behaves/who they are. My experience (of several addicts - family full of them) is that if a person is nasty, they're no less nasty when they're sober. It's nothing to do with the alcohol but who they fundamentally are.

Something else that hasn't been mentioned yet on this thread - and I'm not at all saying this is true of op's dh - but there's also the dry drunk. Someone who's physically sober but still in the psychological grip of the addiction. It may be that the other mum has experienced this.

Not an excuse for her behaviour at all, even if she did choose to withdraw from the arrangement/friendship she could have managed it in a much more sensible and polite way.

Personally I believe it's not purely a disease. There are genetic/neurobiological elements but that isn't the whole story. There are also elements of choice and poor consideration for others.

It always surprises me that people that think of it as purely a disease also talk of choosing not to drink. Bit of a contradiction there. The (so far) successfully recovering addicts I know, whichever method they've used to help them get sober, acknowledge that they had a responsibility in being an addict and they have a responsibility in actively choosing to stay sober and not being a dry drunk.

I personally wouldn't have said because I would see it as my husband's story to tell or not. Even if DH tells people all the time, I wouldn't tell people on his behalf.

She is totally overreacting and is clearly a bit thick if she doesn't know that recovering alcoholic means an alcoholic who is now in recovery and no longer drinking, i.e. sober.

I wouldn't have said anything, you know how judgemental people can be

I think some people think 'once an addict, always an addict' and maybe there is some truth in that saying

Total over reaction but at least you don't have to ferry her kids about now!

Silly woman!
YWNBU to not have mentioned it before, he's not had a drink for 10 years, she's being very over-reactive.
Like you said, it's not a secret, it could have come out at any time, just so happens that it hasn't until now - but at least you are aware of the circumstances of her no longer wishing to let her sprogs go in the car with yours.

Sad for your DC but I expect they'll get over it quite quickly; whereas she'll have to find some other poor mug to take her children around when she can't. Her loss and all through prejudice and silliness.

I don't think I'd want my kids driven by someone who had a history of being drunk in charge of kids and was relative early in their recovery. If he hasn't drunk in 10 years it wouldn't even cross my mind that this would be information I'd be entitled to. Just none of my business it wouldn't affect my trust in them with my child at all.

I allowed my toddler to be driven home from nursery by an alcoholic for two years. I knew him and knew that he hadn't had a drink in at least 5 years. In his youth, he had served a jail sentence for driving under the influence and if there had been a chance he was still drinking at all then I never would have accepted his help. As it was, my child was totally safe with him and the two of them are still firm friends several years later. Come to think of it, the school bus driver is also an alcoholic, but hasn't touched a drop in years either and I also have no problem with him. (Yes, I do live in a place with an astonishing number of alcoholics!).

I also have several alcoholics in my immediate family and at least one drank himself to death, denying that he ever drank even as he was shaking so much that he couldn't lift his first glass of vodka of the day. I have a BIL who hides how much and how often he drinks and there is absolutely no way my children will ever get in a car with him.

OP, I would feel insulted that this woman thinks you'd allow someone who was unfit to drive to take your children to the activity and back, as well as offended on his behalf about the conclusions she jumped to. Be prepared for your child asking questions about why "Timmy's mum says that Daddy isn't allowed to drive him to the activity any more" though. It doesn't sound like she will keep grown-up business away from children's ears.

Personally I believe it's not purely a disease. There are genetic/neurobiological elements but that isn't the whole story. There are also elements of choice and poor consideration for others.

That's common to all addictions, not just alcoholics. Ask anyone who's had a opioid addict in the family. They can either "chose" to use or undergo withdrawal symptoms. That's what makes addicts treatment resistant. It's not from some perverse desire to inflict problems on others.

Addicts do have a responsibility to seek treatment, for themselves and to mitigate the impact of their addiction on others, but it's a much more difficult process than being treated for most other diseases.

it doesn't matter how long they havn't had a drink - not drinking for 10 years makes you no less an alcoholic than someone who sit on the bench with white lightening

That’s AA’s view. There are other means to overcoming alcohol abuse than AA.

The people I've met in recovery are no different from anyone else. Some are lovely, some are knobs. It's an equal opportunity disease.

I knew someone when I was working in the field who was deep in the grip of meth. He never stopped being a moral, kind, sweet man. He didn't steal or deal. He worked so hard to make money to use so that he didn't have to do those things. He got into recovery a few years ago and I am incredibly happy for him.

With some people they were knobs before, some it brings out knobbishness and some it doesn't. There are people on this thread who are very lucky they've never had to find out which type of addict they would be.

Unless legally required to disclose any personal circumstances (e.g. sex offenders register when applying for a job or HIV/AIDS diagnosis ahead of having sex with someone), you should NEVER tell anyone your personal medical (physical or mental) business if they are not close friends/family etc you trust.

Telling people opens yourself up to the kind of responses your DS friends mother had. Gossiping. Discrimination etc.

If your husband is happy to talk about in social circumstances when he is able to fully relay his experience and the current situation, sure fine.

But in future just be a bit more thoughtful about it, especially if he is not around.

What you say is probably true, Elasticity, but I find there is a lot to be said for openness.

For example, my cousin and his wife died of AIDS, They were middle-aged and middle-class. My friend's cousin, who was a "straight" lorry-driver, also died of AIDS, but only people in the privileged inner circle know the truth. Meanwhile the rest of society continues taking mad risks with their sexuality thinking that STDs are something that only happen to people.

And I feel it is the same with alcohol. The more ordinary people who are open about their problem with addictions, the more likely that other people might just start questioning their own.

She was very rude. But OP, better to keep potentially embarrassing things to yourself. You could hardly expect her not to be a bit taken aback by that news, and people are judgmental and get all precious about certain things.

Wow, what a lovely friend you have! To be fair she probably heard alcoholic and then 10 years sounded like last week.

I personally think 'recovering' is nonsense, a 31yo is not a recovering 21yo, teenager or child. If it works for him though that's absolutely fine. If he starts drinking again he's getting a new addiction as far as I'm concerned but by now he is quite aware that life is just fine without drinking.

I initially judged your friend but that's unfair - she's seen the movies and heard the addiction myths so it's not really her fault - maybe you can invite them round to have an open discussion about her concerns?

Truth is you've got more reason to be upset with her as she most likely has had a drink or two in the last ten years and the next morning it's very hard to know if you've fully sobered up - it's quite possible she's driven a little over the limit without even knowing - your husband on the other hand definately hasn't. He's not going to have a beer around her kids and at any time day or night he's going to be sober to deal with any emergency... I'd be thrilled to know anyone who looks after my kids could say that, and if I was worried about my kids drinking at any point I'd want someone like him around to honestly talk to them about what a scam drinking really is.

10 years is a lifetime... We're probably all embarrassed about something that happened back then. I hope she doesn't turn out to be as naive and prejudiced as she sounds, it's probably just the shock

Your dh has been doing them a massive favour, especially as the children wouldn't be able to attend otherwise - I think you said the parents couldn't take them.

Unless the mum said something among the lines of getting dh a bottle of something to say thanks, I'm struggling to see how this would come up in conversation but it has and now it's going to be the elephant in the room between you.

I would assume the mother has had a bad experience of alcoholism because of the strength of her reaction and tbh I would be giving her a call to a) ask if she's ok and b)mitigate any further issues. Eg her releasing that information into the playground parents as they won't have the full picture and will start making their own assumptions based on the other mum's strong, negative reaction to your dh, who has done incredibly well to be 10 years sober.

I think you made a mistake telling her and I think you're going to find your family becomes the subject of unpleasant gossip as a result, unless it is already common knowledge. While your husband has nothing to be ashamed of, not everyone will see it that way - many people regard alcoholism as a moral matter and an addiction that cannot be overcome. I think the "recovering" bit is going to get lost in the telling and the story that will go around is that your DH is an alcoholic who drives the kids around without a care, and that you enable him.

You're going to struggle to walk this back I'm afraid.

I would need to contact her and clarify the situation.

My sister in law died of an alcohol related illness.

My brother is a recovering alcoholic (3 years sober) and I'd hate anyone to be judgemental rather than supportive.

Some people are very narrow minded... I mean, 10 years later, surely he's hardly still over the drink drive limit

I bet in a couple of days after she's calmed down she'll have a change of heart about your husband driving her sons. I would say no, she's shown what kind of person she really is.

Sorry to butt in but I just wanted to correct @Elasticity – it is not actually legally required to disclose that you are HIV pos before having sex with someone – not in England anyway. Most of us are on such effective treatment that we are unable to infect anyone else. Happy to go into further detail if needed.

To the OP – many congrats to your DH for 10 years sober. It sounds like this woman had a really negative first reaction, from an uneducated POV. As your DH is happy to talk about it (good for him ) perhaps a further conversation would clear the air. I agree that the term “recovering alcoholic” doesn’t sound good to someone ignorant on the subject but it is his choice to use it.

Of course, if she wants to continue to be ignorant on the subject, more fool her and her loss

to you both.

"That's common to all addictions, not just alcoholics. Ask anyone who's had a opioid addict in the family" I agree. Still doesn't mean that there isn't choice involved. And with illegal drugs taking for the first time KNOWING the potential for harm/addiction is even more questionable.

Re codeine which is a highly addictive drug - I personally feel should be prescription only. Again I have personal experience of someone with this addiction.

Yes it's bloody hard coming off whatever the substance is but it is still a choice.

She was in the wrong. Either a terminology issue or she has a family history here.

In future I’d say “DH has been tee total for over a decade as he used to have an issue with alcohol” or similar. But it’s really her problem not yours.