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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not have said that DH is an alcoholic?

127 replies

upsideup · 06/10/2018 21:50

DH pick up two of DS's friends from school and takes them to a club once a week and has been doing this for about 6 months as their parents can't take them.
The mum took DS out today to say thank you and stayed for a while after she dropped him home, she started talking about alcohol and I mentioned that DH an recovering alcoholic not realising that she didn't already know or that it would be a big deal and her face completely dropped. I said that he hadn't had a drink for 10 years since eldest dc was born but she nearly burst in to tears saying that she couldn't believe she's been letting her children be driven and looked after by an alcoholic and that didn't we think this is the sort of information we should share with people who are leaving their children with us.

Were we actually unreasonable to not have said? Would anyone else be concerned if you found this out someone who had been looking after your children just fine for half a year?

OP posts:
JamieVardysHavingAParty · 06/10/2018 23:01

BUT like others I'd think she'd had a bad experience of alcoholism (as have I).

Quite possibly. In which case, this is a particularly unfortunate misunderstanding, because such a person is going to be particularly on the look out for someone in partial denial using minimising language about alcohol issues, whether it be the alcoholic him/herself or an enabling family member. Once bitten, twice shy and all that.

AnotherSillyName · 06/10/2018 23:07

Whilst you're clearly confident your oh will never relapse and I'm well aware what what an achievement 10 yrs is you have no idea what her experience might be.
My brother died of alcoholism, in the years before he died he created problems his children, my parents, my siblings my son will never recover from. He tore our family apart with his lies and manipulation. His wife was confident that despite his problem he'd never ever drive drunk with the children - of course he did. He was very very good at covering up relapses.
So whilst I have no way of knowing how much anyone drinks and I might feel bad about it my exposure to alcoholics* means I would not trust my children to someone who is a recovering alcoholic.

*My brother is not the only alcoholic I've known, I've known several, they all died from it, they all had family who didn't want to admit to themselves when relapsed, safety of children was of no importance to them when they'd had a drink

catpooproblems · 06/10/2018 23:10

Honestly? I’d drop her like a stone. Never offer again to take her children anywhere and if she comes to her senses and expects your DH to take her son his activity then I’d be tell her to fuck off to the far side of fuck and then fuck off some more.

JellyBears · 06/10/2018 23:13

You didn’t need to tell them because he’s not an alcoholic. He’s 10 years recovery which is amazing! Stupid cow....her not you.

cookiesandchocolate · 06/10/2018 23:14

I hate the term recovering alcoholic.
Your DH used to be an alcoholic- he used to drink a lot. He is now tee total and has been for ten years.

He no longer drinks. The term recovering alcoholic has so many negative connotations

GabsAlot · 06/10/2018 23:15

so does she not drink-did she state that at all

its none of her busines what your husband used to be hes oeib better able than her

bridgetreilly · 06/10/2018 23:15

I think if you don't know people in recovery, you might well not understand the term 'recovering alcoholic' and therefore be alarmed. 10 years sober should have given her a clue, though.

yikesanotherbooboo · 06/10/2018 23:24

I agree with pps;
1.over reaction

  1. Word 'recovering' is possibly a problem
  2. Almost certainly triggering something for her
4.Ten years down the line DH is more likely than many to be a super safe escort
  1. Good for him and goood for you. Friend's issue : not yours
MissConductUS · 06/10/2018 23:26

if she comes to her senses and expects your DH to take her son his activity then I’d be tell her to fuck off to the far side of fuck

Yes, quite. Well said. Grin

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 06/10/2018 23:27

Generally in daily discourse, most people put the most positive gloss they can on situations. In return, experienced people counterbalance for minimising euphemisms when they listen. So if you call your husband a "recovering alcoholic", they'll hear "managed three days without drinking and then drove drunk like Ant PcPartlin”

This.

Having said that I think she could have been a lot more polite about it. If I was concerned about someone driving my kids for whatever reason I would have smiled nicely, said nothing, gone home and figured it out and then later sent a text thanking them so so much for all the lifts and saying that my work hours have now changed, I can do the cubs run and would your ds like a lift as I owe you a few.

Elephant14 · 06/10/2018 23:29

Beyond thick. Someone just upthread was saying the fuck off the the far side of fuck mantra - definitely. I'd be really cross if she pulled that stunt in my house.

TwoBeaversAreBetterThanOne · 06/10/2018 23:33

@AnotherSillyName I fully agree - coming from a family with drink issues it would worry me.
@JellyBears @cookiesandchocolate it doesn't matter how long they havn't had a drink - not drinking for 10 years makes you no less an alcoholic than someone who sit on the bench with white lightening

AnotherSillyName · 06/10/2018 23:38

So many people on this thread lucky enough to have not experienced the full distructiveness of a close family member being an alcoholic. I envy you all your certainty the other parent is at fault here knowing nothing of her experience.

OP I wish you and your oh well, please show that other parent some compassion and understanding and be nice you don't know her journey.

cookiesandchocolate · 06/10/2018 23:41

Twobears- I will disagree with that. He's been teetotal for ten years and isn't sitting on a bench drinking white lightening and hasn't done for ten years.

I hardly feel it's fair to be judged for my actions ten years previously to how I am now. He's gone a damn sight longer than me without a drink. Good for him. The term recovering does hold many negative connotations, which people instantly judge

KateAdiesEarrings · 06/10/2018 23:42

I don't think it's fair to call her thick.
If you've had close family who struggle with alcohol then you know how precarious 'recovery' is. DSIL is an alcoholic who hasn't drunk for years but she still says she's an alcoholic because she knows she could easily slip back. My uncle was an alcoholic even though he had periods of sobriety. If your family has been ripped apart by alcohol, it can make you less understanding.

MissConductUS · 06/10/2018 23:43

not drinking for 10 years makes you no less an alcoholic than someone who sit on the bench with white lightening

So should I have had my tubes tied instead of starting a family at six years sober?

AnnieAnoniMouse · 06/10/2018 23:55

YWNU to have not mentioned it before, nor to have mentioned it now.

She was rude, incredibly rude. It doesn’t matter what her ‘journey’ (🙄) has been, she’s been happy with your lovely DH giving her kids regular lifts and you TOLD her he’s been tea-totals for a DECADE. she’s ignorant, ungrateful and rude.

Ignore.

Tell DS his friends mum has changed her hours and wants to take her own kids to the activity. now, no need to involve the kids in her stupidity.

AnotherSillyName · 06/10/2018 23:56

When my brother was sober he had no real comprehension of what he'd put us through, just that the magic word 'recovery' wiped his slate clean. Unfortunately I had no magic word to wipe my memory or fear for what he'd be like when he'd next relapse and whether that would be the time he died or how long before he relapsed.

Counselling has helped me but it will never repair the damage, none of us will be the same again

BakedBeans47 · 06/10/2018 23:59

I don’t think someone who hasn’t had a drink in a decade needs a negative label at all tbh. I know it’s the fashion for AA, but I don’t agree with it.

This

NotMyNameButHereForever · 07/10/2018 00:17

not drinking for 10 years makes you no less an alcoholic than someone who sit on the bench with white lightening

^ is UTTER bollocks.

kateandme · 07/10/2018 00:21

wo wat a titface.and im so sorry you had to deal with such ignorance.
Id also be tempted to go back to her and talk if this "no lift needed" carries on because this isn't helpful for either you,your hub or the kids.

kateandme · 07/10/2018 00:24

twobeaversarebetterthanone what crap.of course it does.you no for the fact hes not having the drink and the guy on the bench is Confused

TwoBeaversAreBetterThanOne · 07/10/2018 00:38

The op even said he is a recovering alcoholic. He may not have had a drink in 10 years but if the mother has any previous experience of an alcoholic as I have then I would be the same. And I find it so sad that you are all saying how awful she is.

TwoBeaversAreBetterThanOne · 07/10/2018 00:41

@AnotherSillyName I understand

TwoBeaversAreBetterThanOne · 07/10/2018 00:46

@kateandme then you don't understand alcoholism. You can still be an alcoholic when completely sober