Are these hours reasonable?

[childcareheadache]

Most of my friends and family think I am nuts but my DH will support whatever I end up doing.

I currently work in an incredibly flexible 8-4 job earning just over 50k. I have two toddlers 2 & 3.
In 18 months time I will have to leave my job as it is the end of my contract. I do not want to extend my contract which is a possibility if I wanted to but they can put me in jobs anywhere in the UK, although most likely London/Bristol and or where I am now but they can also give me jobs I dont really want and there is little I can do. I am ready to move on. My career where I am is effectively over.

When I leave my current employment I am essentially career changing although most people manage to keep roughly the same wage.

I am thoroughly miserable in my current role. The job is fine, the people are great but I am just so sick of not progressing and I havent progressed since pregnant with my first. I feel myself slipping into sadness and I dont want to end up depressed.

I have the option to leave this job earlier than 18 months. My boss has said if I find the right thing for me they will let me go early. I am grateful for this flexibility. So I have applied for a temp role for 6 months in a location 55 mins from my house. That is with no traffic. Two sets of roadworks have started on that route which means my morning commute could shoot up to 2 hours. I get up at 6 am anyway so I dont feel put off by it but maybe I should? I know people are going to tell me I am crazy but once I am past the 6 month temp contract, there will hopefully be a permanent job and most likely flexibility to work from home etc.

My problem is my husband will be away for the entire length of this temp job so I have sole responsibility for the kids. I think I will need a nanny. so my main question is, is 0645 - 1830/1900 4 days a week (i can keep my CM for one day) appropriate hours for a nanny and do you think there will be people interested in such a job?

After getting through that awkward way I described my situation - we are both in the military. I am desperate to move on. The idea of still being where I am next summer upsets me immensely. I have a reasonably good shot at this new position and even if I didnt get it there are a few other similar programmes I could apply for. I currently pay out £1800 a month in childcare anyway so I can afford the nanny.

My friends all think I am a bit nuts but are excited for me. My colleagues think I ahve lost my mind. But they are supportive. Is my plan bonkers? Also the traffic may not be that bad and I may be able to work from home some. Although it is an internship so need to be seen and all that.....thoughts?

I have name changed as this is pretty identifying.

Certainly not modern life here either...

Spending 5 months of your life only spending an hour or so a day with a parent isn't traumatic
But it isn't even that long.
You leave at 6.45 before they get up and get home at 6.30 so at MOST they get 30 minutes. If you get stuck in work or the traffic is bad, the Nanny will have to out them to bed and you won't see them. If there's road works, crap weather etc. every night could be like that. So they could literally go all week without seeing a parent.
Weekends you'll have work to do, housework to catch up with and trying to spend time with the kids.

If you think it won't affect them, you underestimate how much THEY love YOU.

Inn an ideal world DH would be home to pick up the slack, like your colleagues. This isn't about you being a woman, it's about your husband not being at home.

When is he due to leave the military?

Husband is due to leave in September 21. He should be around for the 6 months immediately following my 5 month internship. and he will have 6 weeks off work in total and we plan to take eldest out of nursery so he can spend time with his dad/us before he starts school. So he may hvae 5 months of only seeing me an hour a day but he will then have 6 weeks of all day every day with his dad. Once through the internship and employed permanently, there are lots of options for flexi working and wfh so i anticipate 3 days in the office and 2 days from home. By which time all the roadworks will have finished. It may even be better to get the internship out of the way while he isnt here as he isnt keen on the idea of an au pair. He wouldnt be here so it wouldnt impact him at all.

Op you realise au pairs are completely unqualified? Not advisable for a 2&3 yo

They're really only useful to picking up school aged kids and babysitting until parents get home from work.

All I'd say is, don't underestimate how completely exhausting a 2-hour commute can be.

This. The difference between a one hour commute and a two hour commute is huge.

OP, you need to get rid of this false dichotomy that your only options are your current role or the one with a two hour commute. Look for third, fourth, fifth options.

Eldest will be 4 and a few months off school and youngest will be nearly 3. It will be breakfast and drop at nursery. Pick up at nursery at 5 and babysit until 630pm give or take. This is what all the websites say they are for. Don't see be problem? It says not for use for under 2s. My kids aren't under 2.

Each to their own, I wouldn't have an unqualified person looking after my small children. I also wouldn't be happy with them only seeing a parent for 30-60 minutes a day for 5 months. It's a long time for a small child during their formative years.

I think most of the responses here are coming from a place of sexism. I have a career and a full time nanny who works 7.30am to 6.30pm, gives days a week. We've had this arrangement since I went back to work after my first. No one died. Everyone is happy. I (and my husband) have interesting, well paid jobs. The nanny does stuff with the children that I avoid at all costs (crafts, messy play). And our weekends and holidays are fun and very focused on the children. We have a cleaner during the week, so very few chores, and we can afford activities, days out and two or three holidays a year. The children would miss out if I didn't work.

Given it's their father who plans to be their main carer in the future, is it possible that he can change his plans so that he can be around more sooner? I'm not sure how much flexibility he has, but I think he should try to cover some of this if you want to go ahead.

gives days should say five days, doh

karmak

Unless he develops a salt water activated back problem, there is nothing he can do. He has no choice in this current role. Ironically, he was supposed to have already done this chunk of time away from home but he had real medical problems and was short side for 12 months. He is all better now.

Our life is what it is. It is what we both signed up for and we are fine with our choices. Like you, Karmak, we have great family holidays (4 this year) and the weekends are all about the kids.

I am applying for the role anyway. We shall see. If I don't get it, the alternative schemes I could do Are much shorter, 6 weeks and 12 weeks. Both in London so same problem.

5 months of only seeing me no more than half hour a day

I think most of the responses here are coming from a place of sexism lots of people have said clearly that if Dad was around it wouldn't be a problem. This isnt about op being a woman. It's about a 2/3 yr old seeing one of their two parents for at most 30 minutes a day and the other one not at all for half a year.

karmakameleon tbh I think if the kids are still in bed when you go out and they see you for only 30 minutes at night it's still too little irrespective of who does crafty play.

Ultimately OP you seem to have a made a decision. Good luck with the interview. I took an au pair might not work as they're getting the kids up 5 days a week and possibly putting them to bed but I'm sure you'll find something that works

Spending 5 months of your life only spending an hour or so a day with a parent isn't traumatic , it is modern life.

Uh, no it isn't.

Tbh, wtf was the point of this thread? Anyone saying what you didn't want to hear has been in essence accused of sexism

It is what we both signed up for and we are fine with our choices

Your kids didn't sign up for it though and their needs are the most important surely?

The point was to ask about nanny hours and it descended into debate on my life choices

I think this thread is an example of how mumsnet is a sheltered middle class bubble. I have worked with plenty of indian doctors (of both sexes) who have left their pre-school children with grandparents (either mon-fri or sometimes for weeks at a time)while they trained and studied away from. I don't think people are listening when the OP says that her parents would help out, that this is only for 5 months.
Outside the UK middle classes thousands and thousands of children are cared for by adults other than their parents. These children are fine. They later enjoy the better standard of living their parents' hard work has enabled.

mumsnet is a sheltered middle class bubble
Erm, not everyone in MN or even this thread are middle class. Op is far more middle class than I'll ever be. I still think theirs a difference between the kids being childcare from say 8-6 and you getting an hour either side with them every day be a use you have no other choice if you want to pay the bills and HAVING a choice to see them from 4.30 every day or 6.30 every day andfor months in end and choosing to do the latter because you want to.
There will be other option in the next 18 months. There's options to do a 6 week stint.
OP wants to do the 5 month one knowing she might not see the kids from one day to the next. Even us lowly working class posters don't think that's fair on the kids

Not fair on the kids to be cared for by a combination of au pair, grandparents and nursery? Also people are talking as if these children's bedtime are set in stone. Maybe they could have an afternoon nap so they could stay up till 8 or 9? I think the lack of flexibility and imagination on this thread is breath taking

To be fair the time I spend with them in the morning is not quality time. I am literally chasing round like a blue ass fly trying to get them out of the house for 0715. It is stressful and not an enjoyable activity. I don't see he issue with removing this stress and letting them get up later (and go to bed later) and get ready slowly and out of the house with no stress. I have never felt stress like it trying to get a 2 & 3 year old dressed and out of be House on my own.

They would stay up later - going tk bed at around 8. I would ask for flexi working 8-4. Might not get it.

garethsouthgatesmrs

what about their dad who will be away the entire time? Why is it the mum's responsibility to put her career on hold for all these years but dad gets to just carry on regardles? Please answer this as I am genuinely interested to know your perspective.

Hi sorry for late response. My reply was about the mum as it is she who started a thread looking for opinions. I personally think it’s desperately sad that these two tiny children have both parents away all week working. The parents are going to be missing out on so much at this age, and how can it possibly be good for the kids? I also think the OP sounds cold. When DH returns home to look after the children, even that’s referred to as ‘picking up the slack’!

Not to mention the casual sexism with (I am beginning to think) a side order of jealous outrage (How dare a mother choose a more interesting and rewarding career in preference to doing bath time every night?) I think lots of the women on this thread have taken the mummy track and are desperate to know that the personal, professional and financial sacrifice was worth it. They can only do this by insisting (against all evidence) that children whose mothers dare to go off and get professional fulfilment even if this is at the expense of time with their children in the short term are damaging them. In fact little is worse for your neurodevelopment than having a depressed mother.

@Stillwishihadabs that's quite an assumption. I definitely haven't taken the mummy track and if OP said that the children's father would be there in the evenings, few would comment. One of my friends has a two year old boy, works 8am-9pm or later most days in a bid to make partnership at a law firm. Good on her...But guess what, daddy is there in a steady local 9-4 job so that the child has the stability he needs at such a young stage.

I think people are commenting on the choice. Many don't have the choice to be around their young children more (single mothers, those in tight financial situations) and I've been there. I find it difficult to understand someone who does have the choice and both partners choose otherwise.

But one thing I agree with you is that OP's happiness is paramount. And if this new role will mean she's happier in the little time she spends with the children...then I say go for it. I think quantity time is pointless if it's not quality because mum or dad is miserable.

It may be modern life but 'modern life' seems to be producing many many young people with serious mental health issues and imho i believe the lack of parental involvement is a contributing factor. I think one parent needs to be around for their children and let their career take a back seat, whether that be Mum or Dad is irrelevant but children need their parents and need to know they have someone always there for them, not to make them into a precious snowflake but to make them into well rounded and confident adults.

The reason why I think there's sexism at play here is no one asked what the dad could do here. Obviously OP has now said it isn't possible for his commitments to change but before she said it everyone assumed that the dad would carry on as he wanted, no compromise needed from him. Maybe people did this because they assumed that there isn't much flex in the military but the OP has some, so I thought the dad might too.

Interesting that people think I am cold as I come from a very cold hearted family. I try to be the opposite. There are lots of cuddles and kisses and I tel my kids I love them all the time. We play, go to the park, craw around the soft play. Spent all our summer holidays pretty much under water or going to down be water slides again and again. We take random days off and take them out. They are not short of love or affection or caring or playtime or toys.

And to the person who said my children didn't choose this. Well the same can be said of royalty, extreme religions, different cultures, etc. My kids unfortunately were born into a family where both parents work and this is the only life they have known. And also I want to defend myself. On my second maternity leave my eldest was taken out of nursery and stayed home with me for a year. Everyone thought I was nuts and should have had him in nursery at least two days a week. I wanted to spend time wit him. We had a great year.