Are these hours reasonable?

[childcareheadache]

Most of my friends and family think I am nuts but my DH will support whatever I end up doing.

I currently work in an incredibly flexible 8-4 job earning just over 50k. I have two toddlers 2 & 3.
In 18 months time I will have to leave my job as it is the end of my contract. I do not want to extend my contract which is a possibility if I wanted to but they can put me in jobs anywhere in the UK, although most likely London/Bristol and or where I am now but they can also give me jobs I dont really want and there is little I can do. I am ready to move on. My career where I am is effectively over.

When I leave my current employment I am essentially career changing although most people manage to keep roughly the same wage.

I am thoroughly miserable in my current role. The job is fine, the people are great but I am just so sick of not progressing and I havent progressed since pregnant with my first. I feel myself slipping into sadness and I dont want to end up depressed.

I have the option to leave this job earlier than 18 months. My boss has said if I find the right thing for me they will let me go early. I am grateful for this flexibility. So I have applied for a temp role for 6 months in a location 55 mins from my house. That is with no traffic. Two sets of roadworks have started on that route which means my morning commute could shoot up to 2 hours. I get up at 6 am anyway so I dont feel put off by it but maybe I should? I know people are going to tell me I am crazy but once I am past the 6 month temp contract, there will hopefully be a permanent job and most likely flexibility to work from home etc.

My problem is my husband will be away for the entire length of this temp job so I have sole responsibility for the kids. I think I will need a nanny. so my main question is, is 0645 - 1830/1900 4 days a week (i can keep my CM for one day) appropriate hours for a nanny and do you think there will be people interested in such a job?

After getting through that awkward way I described my situation - we are both in the military. I am desperate to move on. The idea of still being where I am next summer upsets me immensely. I have a reasonably good shot at this new position and even if I didnt get it there are a few other similar programmes I could apply for. I currently pay out £1800 a month in childcare anyway so I can afford the nanny.

My friends all think I am a bit nuts but are excited for me. My colleagues think I ahve lost my mind. But they are supportive. Is my plan bonkers? Also the traffic may not be that bad and I may be able to work from home some. Although it is an internship so need to be seen and all that.....thoughts?

I have name changed as this is pretty identifying.

iamyourequal

No need to shed tears for my children. They are happy well adjusted polite little people who are wel loved and cared for. We are talking about 5 months of their whole lives.

They have experienced more fun and family time in these last three years than I did in pretty much my whole childhood. But I am not naturally maternal and if it was a choice of who would stay home, it would be their father as he is more natural than I am. It doesn't mean they are not loved and my life choices have little to do with women who cannot have children. Don't try and make me feel guilty about working and ensuring I have a fulfilling work life. Because quite frankly, I don't feel guilty.

madvixen

Marginally closer but wouldn't make much difference. I have done the drive in 55 mins door to door but there was no traffic. If I could leave at 7 I could probably get there for 0815 I think but would need to test that theory. In my working history, I have always preferred to be rushed off my feet. Slow and steady drives me insane

Maybe I should reconsider the au pair. Then I can keep nursery - maybe even drop down to just using the funded hours.

None of the men who are leaving at the same time as me are having these issues.

All their wives seem to work part time or school hours. I am the only one who needs to worry about childcare.

An au pair is probably going to be the way to go. It's only for a few months and it means that the kids have a happy Mummy while Dad is away.

Au pairs aren't unusual in military families and there would be bags of help available to help you find one.

Gosh, I think I'd find that awful in so many different ways.

1. Driving 4 hours a day. That will be exhausting. Doing it after a bad night with the kids may well be dangerous.

1. Being out the house 12 hours a day. Say you get up at 6, that's bed at 10. That means you get maybe 30 mins with your children a day, and then have time only to cook, eat dinner and do the cleanin/washing before bed.

1. Given two hour commute that then means you are only actually working 9-5. That is short hours for a 50k internship. I think you may be optimistic to think it will go well if you have to work 9-5. No job is ever guaranteed and you have no employment rights until you have been there two years.

1. I think that deciding your kids will have to be fine with it because you aren't a maternal person is somewhat problematic tbh. I get that looking after your own sanity is important but that fact that they may not remember it (I have memories from 18 months old) doesn't mean it won't impact them. I think you need to really seriously consider whether your partner can switch to a stay at home role instead if this is something you are desperate to do.

5.Au pairs are to do light childcare. If you are out the house 60hrs a week, and funded hours are 30hrs that leaves 30 hrs of sole care of two under 4. That is not light childcare.

Neither of us will ever be stay at home parents but when he leaves the military he will get a more local job and pick up the slack with the children.

I anticipate working in the evening when the kids are in bed but the company are apparently very supportive of military spouses and there does seem to be a good level of flexibility.

None of the men are having the same problem because they have wives at home/part time. If your dh was at home or near the dc it would be fine. Having both parents so far away and only seeing one parent for such a small amount of time a day (and no other parent around) is why this is an awful idea. I understand where you're coming from saying you have no guilt about having a fulfilling career and you are right you should have every right to have a fulfilled career but pretending this situation won't impact your dc is daft! I have a 3 hour a day commute so I see my youngest dc for about 30 mins in the morning and 1.5 hours at most in the evenings (other 2 dc are older so up later and I see them more) but my dh is near by and finishes work at 2.30 so the dc have a parent near by and to do the parenting in the afternoons. There is no way I could work so far away if my dh wasn't around. My children would definitely suffer. You do need to be happy and fulfilled but you have chosen to have children and one parent work away. I can't see how it's a good idea for you to then work so far away too.

Sorry op but l feel sorry for your dcs and wonder why you had them, they seem far down your list of priorities......

YOU may not have and guilt, but the fact is both their parents are away almost all the time for 5 days out of 7, and they get an aupair who they don't know and a childminder......

Forgot to say my job is a short term plan and just a way onto a new field. I plan to be closer within the next few months because I think having such little time with dc isnt great. No guilt though I just have older dc and realise now how quickly the time goes so want to have a happy fulfilling career and see my dc

Whether I leave and take this internship which is next easter or hang on for one more year, I still have to leave and I am still leaving with no specific skills set. I need this sort of opportunity to make the transition into civilian life. I will chat with some current employees and see what the commute is like. I know someone who travels the same way each day.

I have absolutely no idea why you'd consider this. It sounds awful, especially for your children.
My husband recently turned down a contract that paid £50 more a day as he would have had a 2 hour commute 3 days of the week and he felt it would affect our family time too much.

I'm was a nanny - I worked 7am - 6/6:30pm 4 days a week and had Fridays off.
I had a good wage and they always made sure to stick the fridge with things I liked / asked for weekly with their shopping.
It is possible to find a nanny if you look in the right places :-)

Personally I wouldn't. You're kids are only this young once and you'll never get the time back with them. If they were in school, then perhaps. But not when they're so young.

iamyourequal what about their dad who will be away the entire time? Why is it the mum's responsibility to put her career on hold for all these years but dad gets to just carry on regardles? Please answer this as I am genuinely interested to know your perspective.

OP, I totally sympathise with you hating your job, I hate mine. I just returned from maternity leave and have immediately started applying for jobs. In my head, though, I decided what I would accept and what I wouldn't. I have just accepted a job with a slight reduction in pay and a slight increase in commute but with more suitable hours for my DC and a preferable environment for me to work in.
I compromised.

Personally I thinkm you need to compromise and maybe keep looking for a better fit the commute and hours sound harrowing. Ultimately though if you really love this job i suppose you should take it. Be aware that your kids ( especially the 3 yr old) may remember this time of their lives, the idea that they will forget just isn't true especially if it is traumatic for them.
hoensy think you need to see the 18 months out or look for more local

sorry quote fail but ultimstely

see the 18 months out or look for more local sums up my opinion too.

you did ask!

Traumatic? And people wonder why children and young people these days are such snow flakes. Witnessing domestic violence is traumatic. Living through civil war is traumatic, going without food is traumatic. Spending 5 months of your life only spending an hour or so a day with a parent isn't traumatic , it is modern life. The nursery stays open till 6. We are talking about 30 more minutes a day and they will be at home being looked after. For two of those months most likely with nana and grandad looking after them in the evening. My mum has offered to come for a month.

This thread has made me see that maybe I need an au pair instead.

Spending 5 months of your life only spending an hour or so a day with a parent isn't traumatic , it is modern life.

Not in my world it isn't.

You seem totally detached from your children, are you a robot?

I wouldn’t do it. You’d barely see your very small children and that’s awful for them if their Dad is away too.

My thoughts OP:

1. If you're miserable, leave. I just did that and haven't even waited for the second mat leave. Even though I'm currently pregnant and it's the best decision I've made.

1. A two hour commute is no joke and you're kidding yourself if you think that you'll be home by 6.30pm on the dot everyday. I did a 2 hour commute for 2 years... aside from being physically and mentally exhausting, the time you get home is very unpredictable. Leaving at the same time most days I'd get home between 7pm-9.30pm. I will never again commute anywhere longer than a maximum hour. Definitely wouldn't do it with kids.

1. Can you not look for another opportunity closer to home? Surely something will come up?

1. Hiring an au pair to work for 60 hour weeks is slave labour and illegal. Besides they're not qualified to provide that level of childcare. I was an au pair in Paris at 19 working those hours and it's unfair and completely takes advantage of an arrangement that's meant to be mutually beneficial (working up to 20 hours a week doing light childcare in exchange for an allowance, language classes and the opportunity to experience a new country). Those hours meant i couldn't get language classes (Which the host is meant to pay for btw). Au pairing is definitely something that needs to be policed more as so many parents, particularly in London and Paris, take advantage of young, desperate travellers who often feel stuck and can't even afford the flight home if they're miserable.

1. Ultimately it's your choice but right now your children are at their most formative years. The fact your husband will be away and you'd consider leaving them during their waking hours without much parental contact and with an unqualified au pair is quite worrying. This is where they are learning manners, morals, love and security and personally I wouldn't be comfortable with my child only seeing a parent for 30 minutes -1 hour a day when they're most tired. We did it for a bit for financial reasons but not out of choice... you have a choice OP and could wait for a better, more convenient opportunity to come along.

I'm not meaning to sound judgemental but the au pair thing really bugs me and I have the perspective having been one myself and knowing how miserable my au pair friends also were.

Just seen one of your posts OP where you said you'd be keeping nursery if you got an au pair! Of all the posts you made that's the one I missed so sorry for my rant that sounds like a perfectly reasonable au pair arrangement!!! Was good to get it out of my system though

So my DH drives min 2h each way sometimes further. He's not miserable he's used to it. Audio books, good music he just switches off and genuinely doesn't mind. I think the au pair dropping off nursery then using free hours once 3 etc sounds like a good plan- your children will get time at home and time out of the house and get into a routine. I'm probably a bit biased as just taken a new job in September which is increased my hours and is a promotion for me because I was desperate for a challenge. I am happier than I've been for years. So many people told me that the timing wasn't right-oldest started school youngest is 2 but they've coped

@garethsouthgatesmrs
What about their dad who will be away the entire time? Why is it the mum's responsibility to put her career on hold for all these years but dad gets to just carry on regardles? Please answer this as I am genuinely interested to know your perspective.
I'm not the poster you addressed these questions to but I do pretty much agree with the sentiments they express. I think the issue here is that neither parent will be around much and so it is the combination of both parents' careers that is the crucial factor. As a family they have already agreed that OP's DH should have this time working away, this obviously means that he won't be seeing the children over this time. I think for OP to then decide that she will also be absent for the vast majority of her toddlers' waking hours does mean that the children will be deprived of time with any parent and in my opinion this is not ideal, especially for children this young.

Basically I don't think this is a man Vs woman issue, but a lot of responses will be driven by the fact that the children's father has already committed to spending all of his time away from the children (in the short/medium term) so OP's career options must be considered in this context. I don't think the responses would differ that much of the sexes were reversed.

If your husband were closer and able to do stuff with the kids I would be saying go for it. But at their ages, I think it is too much for them to be away from a parent for as long as you are saying. Someone has to prioritise them, it isn't a gender thing.

If it is 'only' 5 months, could you not wait and look again then? As an adult you are far more able to rationalise than a small child.