To think that romantic relationships will die out

[Diffident]

I'm male and 40 something. I am absolutely no expert on anything at all just an observer. I'm not in a relationship and haven't been for a long time. Sometimes I contemplate the future and look around me and think that perhaps most people would be better off if romantic relationships especially heterosexual ones where most of the dysfunction seems to happen did not happen as much as they do and didn't occupy such a central place in our culture.

I realise this might sound like sour grapes as I've not been very successful in this aspect of my life. Honestly when I look around at people married and in relationships and friends and so on all I see is frustration and unhappiness. People who date as well just don't seem to be able to find what they're looking for. Things from observation are somewhat better amongst lesbian and gay people. Clearly if women physically able to conceive want children they can go down the route of sperm banks or make an arrangement with a friend. Men wanting to do the same can do the latter if not the former. It isn't compulsory to be in a relationship and if it seems to cause so much human misery well wouldn't it be better for some kind of voluntary moratorium and focus instead on physical and mental health, solving climate change and friendships?

I would guess the stats are a lot higher than that now. I know a lot of single people, who don't need sex. Of the couples I do know, the women are certainly not there for the sex.

You have probably met a lot more asexuals than you realise, most don't usually tell others that they are, it's still kind of taboo. I don't know any asexual men, only women.

Asexual people can and do have sex though, having a low sex drive is not what makes someone asexual.

The asexuals I know IRL are women, although I have chatted to a few men online. I'm pretty open about being asexual and what that means (to me).

Totally agree that many people stay where they are not happy for a variety of reasons. Getting the partner or the marriage is seen as a goal in our culture. Sometimes people end up tied together when they don't really make each other happy, and they are unwilling to go it alone for a complex set of reasons. It is rarer than you would think to find a close relationship filled with understanding and friendship but not boredom. Not impossible though. And what people want from a relationship can be very different. Some want a true partner, an equal in all ways. Some want a 'man' or a 'woman', a 'wife' 'husband' for that more traditional set up. Over all I think our concept of relationships can be flawed. It can be the most flawed and beautiful thing though. People are not happy or perfect or reasonable all the time, so no relationship will be either. We are all just humans. Don't give up hope- love comes in many forms, as does life.

Op, I think you need to extend or expand your friendship groups mate.

You say you look at married people and all you see is frustration! You are only seeing a brief snapshot of what they’re lives are like, you aren’t with them 24/7 so how can you judge them on outward appearances? Most people who I know are married are very happily so. Maybe the fact you’ve been unsuccessful in relationships is leading you to have this negative view of them, yes they aren’t all sunshine and roses all the time, relationships take work, but having somewhere there to share things with, raise a child with etc, is very much worth it! I’m sure you’d feel differently if you were in a happy relationship!

Well, the 'ideal' of a monogamous, heterosexual, longterm relationship was one that was set up to benefit men at the expense of women - a way for every man to own a woman for domestic service and breeding purposes. Then men made it very, very difficult for women to survive and thrive without an individual male owner, while pushing tons of propaganda at women to the effect that romance was the only thing that made life worthwhile, and that the worst thing a woman can be is unappealing to men...

That hasn't stopped some heterosexual couples from forming happy, healthy, functional partnerships. Most people need love, affection, sex, companionship and support from others. But these days, now women have economic independence, more and more of us are refusing to accept male ownership. And people, generally, are more interested in ways of negotiating who to live with, whether to have children, etc. This is a Good Thing. The old compulsory-heteromonogamy method wasn't working for a lot of people.

No I don't agree.

I'm married and mine and my DH's relationship is a really good one.

We've been together for nearly 13 years and we have 5DC and 2 of our DC are disabled and we've been through so much in those years my DH lost his lovely brother and I lost my DMum and DDad and we've both said we don't know how we'd have got through everything that has happened without each other.

We still laugh together,we tell each other that we love one another every day,we never go a day without kissing,having a cuddle,holding hands and our sex life is still as good as it was when we first started dating.

There are bad relationships out there of course there are and there are people that are single that are very happy but there's also lots of people in great relationships and most probably as many single people that would like to be part of a good relationship and who's lifes may well be better for that special support you can get from being in a relationship.

Nothing in life is black and white and there's no more grey area than when it comes to love and relationships.

I was married before I met my DH and my ex husband was abusive and my DH's ex wife was the abusive one in his first marriage but I don't think bad past relationships should make you feel like giving up.I think if anything they can teach what you really want and don't want in a relationship and they can teach you to be more careful about who you give your love to.

"but one thing that strikes me about the gay couples I know (male ones - it seems uncommon for lesbian couples) is the number in open relationships." There's more hetero couples in open relationships than people realise too, they just don't tend to broadcast it as it is still very much taboo.

Speak for yourself. I am lookinghappier with my husband than I would be without him. I know he isn't perfect and even if tomorrow ,I found out he was having an affair or that he had been lying to me about something important, the fact does not change that at the moment I.am much happier with him than I would be without him . Of course I would manage fine if wasnt here, but I would prefer him in my life rather than out of it as he makes my life better than if I was alone.

Realtionships ( by than I don't just mean romantic/ sexual ones) may not make your life easier exactly but for me they are where my rough edges get rubbed smooth. It is sometimes painful but I end up transformed by they process. They are the work of life for me. I appreciate that might not be true for everyone.