To think that romantic relationships will die out

[Diffident]

I'm male and 40 something. I am absolutely no expert on anything at all just an observer. I'm not in a relationship and haven't been for a long time. Sometimes I contemplate the future and look around me and think that perhaps most people would be better off if romantic relationships especially heterosexual ones where most of the dysfunction seems to happen did not happen as much as they do and didn't occupy such a central place in our culture.

I realise this might sound like sour grapes as I've not been very successful in this aspect of my life. Honestly when I look around at people married and in relationships and friends and so on all I see is frustration and unhappiness. People who date as well just don't seem to be able to find what they're looking for. Things from observation are somewhat better amongst lesbian and gay people. Clearly if women physically able to conceive want children they can go down the route of sperm banks or make an arrangement with a friend. Men wanting to do the same can do the latter if not the former. It isn't compulsory to be in a relationship and if it seems to cause so much human misery well wouldn't it be better for some kind of voluntary moratorium and focus instead on physical and mental health, solving climate change and friendships?

I think there is an issue with society that single people can be seen as 'lesser'. I've been happily single for 20 years (asexual and aromantic) and I've had so many pitying looks/you'll find someone/you just haven't met the right person yet. Even though I don't want anyone.

I think people will always experience romantic feelings. Not all people, maybe, but most people. As long as that happens, there will be romantic relationships. I can see that there's no particular evolutionary reason why we should do anything other than have mechanical sex, but that's how most people seem to be made.

Every time threads like this come up, it’s reallt obvious that some people can’t appreciate that not everyone is the same.

People in couples believe their way is the right way, that everyone should be aspiring to be part of a duo, and that if they don’t they must have suffered some desperate disaster.

The reality is very different. Single by choice is just as reasonable as any other adult decision, it isn’t a case of “missing out”. It’s an absolute choice made through my needs, desires and preferences.

I actually agree that we are told that romantic love is a prerequisite for happiness and fulfilment in life, when often it brings heartache and stress. Being happily single should be more of an acceptable life choice.

We are told this about having children too.

I think there is an issue with society that single people can be seen as 'lesser'

I do, too. And I feel quite uncomfortable with some of the pitying comments.

*Every time threads like this come up, it’s reallt obvious that some people can’t appreciate that not everyone is the same.

People in couples believe their way is the right way, that everyone should be aspiring to be part of a duo, and that if they don’t they must have suffered some desperate disaster.*

Likewise, people who are happily single think that virtually all long-term relationships/marriages are unhappy and that everyone in them must be secretly unhappy, desperately afraid of being alone or selling themselves short.

Neither assumption is right.

people who are happily single think that virtually all long-term relationships/marriages are unhappy and that everyone in them must be secretly unhappy, desperately afraid of being alone or selling themselves short

Erm no. I think very many people have happy relationships. I know many.

It isn’t for me.

I don't think relationships will die, but being single is definitely on the rise because people don't need to be part of a couple now. Women aren't forced into marriage like they used to be, not in this country anyway. Most of the women I know are asexual.

JacquesHammer I’m not speaking for you, but there are a number of ‘virtually all marriages I know are unhappy’ posts on this thread and other threads of this type.

Erm no. I think very many people have happy relationships. I know many

The OP certainly believes it though. He states that he knows no one in a happy heterosexual relationship.
I certainly believe that people can be as happy or happier single than they are in a relationship. The reason people in happy relationships are getting defensive on here is because some posters are saying or implying that all marriages are unhappy, that relationships are pointless and offer nothing to the individual, and that people only stay in them out of habit or fear. As a happily married woman I dispute that. That doesn’t mean I don’t think people can be happy single.

The reason people in happy relationships are getting defensive on here is because some posters are saying or implying that all marriages are unhappy, that relationships are pointless and offer nothing to the individual, and that people only stay in them out of habit or fear

Snipped the relevant bit, but you don’t see exactly the same calibre of post directed at single people?

As soon as we stop seeing one way of living as superior to the other, everyone will be better off.

Sorry but I really have to address this "incel" business.

Please ignore nonsensical comments like that, OP. There is a significant minority desperate to diagnose, usually using the latest buzzword. No one is just a selfish cow - they are ‘a narc’. No one is simply rude - they have social anxiety, or are undiagnosed autistic. No one likes a clean kitchen - they have OCD. Now anyone not interested in or disillusioned by relationships is an incel 🙄

It’s interesting that you suggest gay couples seem happier. Obviously it’s a broad statement, but one thing that strikes me about the gay couples I know (male ones - it seems uncommon for lesbian couples) is the number in open relationships. For one couple I know, it saved their relationship. Take away the possibility of sexual infidelity, and you take away a lot of potential for pain. Interesting...

I dont think its natural for humans to be 'together' for life. If was enforced upon us by law for a long time and when life expectancy was a lot shorter this wasn't a big problem. Now we are living so long we are seeing divorce rates of people in their 50's soaring.

We evolved to mate for several years, long enough to have and raise children. After that we move on emotionally and now it seems physically as well.

As soon as we stop seeing one way of living as superior to the other, everyone will be better off

I entirely agree. However the entire OP was based on the premise that all relationships are unhappy, and everyone would be better off single. That is what posters are responding to.

The weirdest part is that the OP is only against heterosexual relationships.

Same sex ones are fine, apparently.

However the entire OP was based on the premise that all relationships are unhappy, and everyone would be better off single. That is what posters are responding to

Indeed. Yet responsing to the OP is different from suggesting single people are bitter, jealous etc etc.

A great many posters on this thread, not all but a great number, do believe they’re superior because they’ve achieved coupledom.

Yeah I know some relationships are bad/dysfunctional and so on, but many are good, and most people (IMO) would much rather be in a couple than single for life. Sure, it's OK to be single for a while, but I can't think of anything worse than being permanently single. Sorry if that offends anyone, but I just can't.

And this is why your single friends hate you. You can’t possibly see why or how anyone would be happy on their own. Does it make you look a little bit too closely at the potential downside of your own relationship? Is assuming single people must be unhappy your way of justifying sticking with someone who’s second best?

Most everyone I know that is heterosexual, is either in a partnership or married, and are happy with it.
Within our social group, most have been married between 10 and 25 years, and only one of our group of 10 couples has divorced.

Obviously there are many ways of being that can lead to happiness, but there is no reason to think being heterosexual means you can't be happy in a relationship!🤔

Most of the women I know are asexual.

Really? Asexuality is thought to be 1-2% of the population and I have only ever met two other asexual people in my life.

I think it really boils down to -

Some people are happy to be single, some people are not.
Some people are happy in their relationship, some people are not.
Some people are in their second/third/any number relationship, and are super happy while previously they were in unhappy relationships.

ALL are valid as long as the person/people involved is/are happy.

Hang in there, it's not all bad

I started this the other day;

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/3380883-Tell-me-something-lovely-your-DP-has-done-lately

There is love around!

How the fuck do you "ban" relationships? Blimey.

Really? Asexuality is thought to be 1-2% of the population and I have only ever met two other asexual people in my life.

I would guess the stats are a lot higher than that now. I know a lot of single people, who don't need sex. Of the couples I do know, the women are certainly not there for the sex.

You have probably met a lot more asexuals than you realise, most don't usually tell others that they are, it's still kind of taboo. I don't know any asexual men, only women.

DH and I were having a conversation a short time ago this evening. He is having some health problems at present and trying hard to make lifestyle changes. I made a comment intending to be helpful and he turned on me and said "well at least you know you will get three times my salary, the life insurance and the house so just leave me to work it out myself". He is actually quite stressed about the whole business of course and this was a reaction to that.

We are no longer particularly romantic, but do enjoy each others company much of the time. We have been married for 36 years. He also stands to gain quite a lot financially if I were to drop down dead tomorrow. What followed was a discussion about how much I would miss him and this is why I want to help. In the end we both agreed that money would not be a good substitute for the companionship we generally enjoy.

Obviously in this situation each of would hopefully make the best of it, but neither of us are looking forward to early widowhood.

I agree with your post that there is too much pressure to be a couple in society and maybe people do end up in couple because that's what's normal in society. You get a lot of social validation from just being in a couple and I think that's why people often seem happier in a couple. But on the other hand life is tough and life is easier when there is someone out there helping you. Also families are a lot smaller and there is not much of an extended family so your partner may be the only person available who can help you out. Also of course there is a lot of joy in being loved and loving someone but that does not have to be in a couple!

I feel sad for you OP that you think that - if you met my parents you wouldn't, they are madly in love, in a romantic, supportive, adoring and lovely relationship after 40 plus years together. I'm not doing so badly 15 years in and have a lot of friends who are also perfectly happy and in love - the ones experiencing 'frustration and unhappiness' tend to sack that off and give it a go with someone else (mid forties being a classic time to have a second marriage if the first one didn't work out!).

That kind of cynicism is poison for the soul - you need a bit of positivity and hope (or maybe some new friends!). Life is short, no point in spending it with a negative outlook, you sound so bitter, which is such a waste of precious time.