Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

To think that romantic relationships will die out

108 replies

Diffident · 05/10/2018 17:34

I'm male and 40 something. I am absolutely no expert on anything at all just an observer. I'm not in a relationship and haven't been for a long time. Sometimes I contemplate the future and look around me and think that perhaps most people would be better off if romantic relationships especially heterosexual ones where most of the dysfunction seems to happen did not happen as much as they do and didn't occupy such a central place in our culture.

I realise this might sound like sour grapes as I've not been very successful in this aspect of my life. Honestly when I look around at people married and in relationships and friends and so on all I see is frustration and unhappiness. People who date as well just don't seem to be able to find what they're looking for. Things from observation are somewhat better amongst lesbian and gay people. Clearly if women physically able to conceive want children they can go down the route of sperm banks or make an arrangement with a friend. Men wanting to do the same can do the latter if not the former. It isn't compulsory to be in a relationship and if it seems to cause so much human misery well wouldn't it be better for some kind of voluntary moratorium and focus instead on physical and mental health, solving climate change and friendships?

OP posts:

Lellikelly26 · 05/10/2018 18:37

Just take the stronger tablets! And get some new friends, my husband and I have both bloomed during our marriage. And work on your own issues. Negativity being obvious

JacquesHammer · 05/10/2018 18:37

A world without love is not worth having

I tend to agree, but love doesn’t have to only be romantic love.

MelonBuffet · 05/10/2018 18:40

wouldn't it be better for some kind of voluntary moratorium and focus instead on physical and mental health, solving climate change and friendships

On a personal level you can absolutely choose to do this instead. Not sure you can try to make it a blanket thing for everyone though!

For most of us, the negative aspects of sharing a life with someone are far outweighed by the joy and love they bring to our lives.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 05/10/2018 18:41

Our culture does hold up the view that finding a partner is the ultimate life aim. Never mind how successful you might be in your career or how many good relationships you have with family and friends, finding your soulmate seems to be the ultimate marker of life success.
Because of this, too many people settle for shitty relationships because they have absorbed the message that couple = good and single = bad.
I think it would be great if we moved away from this idea and genuinely recognised that there are lots of ways to be happy and that's not always in a romantic relationship.

SweetSummerchild · 05/10/2018 18:41

Being a single parent/person is becoming the norm if you want a happy life.

Speak for yourself. I do not know many single parents who are happy with their lives. On the other hand, I know many happily married and cohabiting couples with children.

stevie69 · 05/10/2018 18:41

For most of us, the negative aspects of sharing a life with someone are far outweighed by the joy and love they bring to our lives

And for a few of us, they're not

JacquesHammer · 05/10/2018 18:42

I think it would be great if we moved away from this idea and genuinely recognised that there are lots of ways to be happy and that's not always in a romantic relationship

I love the way you’ve put this.

stevie69 · 05/10/2018 18:48

Our culture does hold up the view that finding a partner is the ultimate life aim. Never mind how successful you might be in your career or how many good relationships you have with family and friends, finding your soulmate seems to be the ultimate marker of life success.
Because of this, too many people settle for shitty relationships because they have absorbed the message that couple = good and single = bad.
I think it would be great if we moved away from this idea and genuinely recognised that there are lots of ways to be happy and that's not always in a romantic relationship.

Couldn't agree more. I feel a definite pressure to settle down. I know people mean well when they say "aah, the right one will come along eventually". But ..... I've never made any noises towards wanting the 'right one'. It's just other folk's assumptions based on societal norms.

I'm pretty happy most of the time. Struggling a bit at the minute but .... tis definitely not due to my single status.

HotNatured · 05/10/2018 18:51

Happily married, blissfully so, in fact

I was happy being single, I had a fulfilled life, but being married to my incredible, suppportive, loving husband fills me with joy.

agnurse · 05/10/2018 18:52

I once read a book written by a lesbian who was a victim of intimate partner violence by another woman. She stated that 35-50% of lesbians are victims of IPV from a same-sex partner.

The grass is not necessarily greener.

I suspect that much of the unhappiness is down to people not making a choice to love. Love is a decision, not a feeling. Love is what takes over when the initial romance goes away.

Now, obviously there are some people who are in abusive situations and that's not okay. But I'm not sure that the majority of divorces occur because of abuse or cheating, but rather because of a choice not to love.

stevie69 · 05/10/2018 18:57

Love is a decision, not a feeling

I don't agree with that. I think love is a super complex emotion and I don't think we're in control of whom we love and for how long .....

Postino · 05/10/2018 18:59

I'd tend to agree with you OP. I wish we weren't sold the unrealistic dream so hard.

Would like to hear the perspectives of older people, to hear what they really think about romantic love, having witnessed more of life - theirs and the people around them.

I was in the 'blissfully happy' group too, till it fell apart and from where I'm at now saying that seems horribly smug, though I realise that's just my perspective. Report back in 20 years, then I'll take you seriously.

Original poster

Diffident · 05/10/2018 19:00

Clearly there are people in happy straight romantic relationships. I personally don't know anyone who falls into this category. Those I know are unhappily in a hetero relationship, gay or lesbian or single.
I don't think relationships should be banned just more people would be happier alone than they think. I've been happy alone and unhappy alone and yes I have been in love.

OP posts:

DieAntword · 05/10/2018 19:01

We’re biologically programmed to pair up and reproduce. It won’t be dying out any time soon.

SweetSummerchild · 05/10/2018 19:04

I know many people with an unhealthy relationship with food.

Should we all voluntarily stop eating?

That would certainly solve climate change.

Darkstar4855 · 05/10/2018 19:07

I think a lot of people just have unrealistic expectations of how a relationship should be and think physical attraction alone is enough to make it work - instead of honesty, compromise, kindness, acceptance and a bit of effort.

I’ve been happy single and unhappy in relationships. I am now very happy in a relationship and it’s the above that has made the difference.

Sarcelle · 05/10/2018 19:08

I think online hookup apps will eventually make it hard for romantic relationships to happen. You only have to look at some of the threads on here where one half is looking for a relationship, the other just wants sex.

SheSaidNoFuckThat · 05/10/2018 19:11

Too many people want the Disney dream, which of course is utter tripe. People don't want to work at relationships, they don't want to work out any differences and bumps along the way. Marriages are rushed into, or should I say weddings are rushed into as let's face it for a lot it's about the show, pictures to post on insta etc.

I've been with my DH nearly 20 years, we are very happy, and any storms along the way we have weathered together. When we got married we both meant our vows - if more people did there would be a lot more happy marriages etc (obviously those involving abuse etc are different)

Lazybonita · 05/10/2018 19:11

The vast majority of my friends and family are happily married. I have been very happily married for ten years. I have been with DH for 13 years and we are both very much in love, our relationship has only got more solid and meaningful over time. Our little family is everything to us both.

agnurse · 05/10/2018 19:15

I always maintain that there is no perfect "happily ever after", and any "happily ever after" you do get takes work.

I am incredibly grateful that I have an amazing husband (I'm a woman FTR) and that he's unbelievably good to me.

JacquesHammer · 05/10/2018 19:15

When we got married we both meant our vows - if more people did there would be a lot more happy marriages etc

Both of us meant them at the time. People change and grow, it’s better to acknowledge that than wait until a marriage is miserable

Snowymountainsalways · 05/10/2018 19:18

I feel really sad for you that you have not experienced what it feels to be in a truly loving and unconditional relationship, and what is worse is that you don't even know one that exists. We all share the same planet, but there are clearly many different dimensions and yours feels distinctly miserable and loveless.

My dh and I have been married for seventeen years and have not even spent a night away from each other. We love each deeply. We have children and feel complete. It is a wonderful feeling, which is probably why lots of people strive to find 'love'. I hope you find someone that can show you what it truly means to be loved. I really do. Good luck op.

roundaboutthetown · 05/10/2018 19:23

? I'm not sure what you're getting at, Diffident? What do you count as a "romantic relationship"? It sounds different from a loving relationship or a successful long term relationship, but you haven't specified what you actually mean by it? I'm not a particularly "romantic" person, but I am in an extremely happy, long term, mutually supportive relationship with someone I love. My parents likewise. From my part of the universe, you make no sense whatsoever, but then I suspect it's because I have no clue what you mean by "romantic."

CitrusFruit9 · 05/10/2018 19:26

Actually I agree that romantic relationships have largely lost their point. Romantic love is an ideal not borne out in real life and all too often it is a pretext to enable men to use women in lots of ways including getting them to do all the housework and childcare. I'm not really seeing what men have to offer now.

As women's economic power becomes more equal to men's (and I accept there is still a long way to go here), the point of having a relationship declines. I have a far better and happier life and social life as a singleton than I ever did whilst I was married and I look around at my group of women friends who have come to the same conclusion. I know one (yes one) who is in a decent relationship and she freely admits that was to have children.

I'm not looking for another relationship and I don't know anyone who is.

Sparklesocks · 05/10/2018 19:27

I think people will always be drawn to each other and the intimacy between two people. It’s been that way for thousands of years and will continue.
As PP have said the nature of marriage has changed, it used to be you married because it was a union of two families and made sense financially or politically (still the way in other non western cultures). Romantic interest as the basis of a marriage is a relatively new phenomenon. But people have always had romantic feelings for each other outside of marriage of course.
And nowadays it’s different too, it used to be that you married your first partner and that was it for life. Now people get married older, divorce is less stigmatised, you might have several spouses across your life or you might not get married at all. I know some people believe marriage doesn’t mean as much as it used to but I think it’s just that more people have the courage to admit things aren’t working and can’t be fixed. It’s better than living in an unhappy marriage your whole life.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5