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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for more help from my mother?

100 replies

Lipsticktraces · 04/10/2018 21:10

I have seven week old twins born by c section at 34 weeks due to placenta problems.

Twins and I spent five weeks in NICU due to restricted growth and other complications with twin two. It was an unbelievably stressful time, but we finally got home a week ago.

We recently relocated to be nearer to my parents. I wanted to be closer due to having twins. My mother in particular was very vocal regarding wanting to help out and support us.

It just isn’t working out that way however. She has yet to change a nappy, make up a bottle (little twin two is on expressed fortified breast milk every three hours) She comes for around half an hour a day, holds a twin for a bit and then leaves. She lives ten minutes away by car.

AIBU to feel let down after all her promises to help? DH is on night shift tonight and she left at 5pm saying she was hungry and was going for her tea. I’ve just managed to get twins down after they both woke screaming to be fed. I feel so terrible having to leave one screaming to feed the other. I already
take ADs and I’m scared of developing PND. I’m feeling so overwhelmed and tired right nowSad

OP posts:
InDubiousBattle · 04/10/2018 21:18

Threads like this usually receive a chorus of 'they're your babies, not your mother's, not her responsibility' etc but I would never leave my daughter, sister, niece or friend to struggle. I would want to help. How do you think your mum would react if you very clearly asked for some help? Very specific help so if you said 'please will you come over for the whole afternoon to help me with some feeding and laundry and if at all possible help me get an hours sleep'?

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 04/10/2018 21:19

Have you tried to talk to her OP? Is she the sort of person that needs something spelling out? Like " can you feed and settle one baby, while I do the other " or " can you change the bed and put a wash load on then pop to the supermarket " etc?

Some people are rubbish at seeing what needs to be done and won't do it without being asked as frustrating as it is.

Do you have anyone else nearby who could help out?

MemoryOfSleep · 04/10/2018 21:22

Oh bless you. Yanbu. You must be exhausted. Is there anyone else you can call?

peanut2017 · 04/10/2018 21:24

That's very tough 1 I find it hard with a 17
Month old and a two month old so you are doing great with twins

On my first I had no real support but on my second I have been more direct saying that I need help and my Mam is coming up to help me.

Could you ask her straight out for help and be specific? Sometimes when my mam is here I will ask her directly to say feed the toddler while I feed the baby etc

Good luck & you are doing great just to manage a day with no help Thanks

notimaginingit · 04/10/2018 21:27

It is very hard lipstick. At that stage I saw life as a question of getting through it, in manageable chunks.
When they get into some sort of routine you’ll get through a morning, then finger’s crossed if they go down for a nap you’ll get the chance to have a cup of coffee.

Regarding your mum, there is a slight chance that she’s afraid of being over-bearing, so if you appeal to her and say something like “please could you stay for a cycle of two feeds, so that I get the chance to bond with one baby?”
If she makes an excuse or refuses, at least you will know.

It does get easier, I promise.

Everything revolves around naps, so that I could just do nothing for that hour. Didn’t put myself under pressure to sleep, I’d just do something like go on here & have a hot drink.

motherone · 04/10/2018 21:41

I can relate a little bit. I was trying to decide what hours I should do going back to work. My mum assured me she would look after LB one day a week and childminder two days. In the last few months she looked after him once. She text me on a Monday to say she couldn't look after him on the Thursday and then on Tuesday to say she couldn't do Friday either when I changed my whole week about. This has happened more than once. With my job I cannot just take an annual leave day or work from home. I therefore dropped my hours only working two days and don't rely on her at all. Which is sad as we had a great trusting bond before. I am not mad because she won't look after my son but mad she promised to help and let me down and she doesn't want to help. I tried to talk to her about it and have a feeling she just doesn't want to do it, my mum isn't an old women fit and healthy so fully capable just doesn't want to which is her choice just have the guts to say so or not insist you want to do it then cancel. She pretty unreliable.

I think you should talk to yr mum if you get the feeling she just doesn't want to help I know it will be hard but you need to accept that but if it's maybe because she's scared she might hurt them (as I would be) then talk about it let her know you trust her.

I still love my mum but frustrates me she was a single mum and knows how difficult it can be and I would never leave anyone let alone my daughter to struggle and not help out but me and my mum are very very different

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 04/10/2018 21:42

Well...you’re not unreasonable to want help, but for every post that someone posts wanting more help from an grandparent there’s another one asking if it’s unreasonable to want to be left alone.

So I think you need to ask her to help. But to also need to expect her to pick and choose the help she offers.

Aprilislonggone · 04/10/2018 21:46

Tell her you are getting a mother's help and she need not bother coming around.
She is a disgrace imo.

Congratulations - your beautiful dc and you are doing great.

Original poster
Lipsticktraces · 04/10/2018 21:48

I totally agree that nobody is automatically entitled to help. I’m just really upset about it because she did make a lot of promises to help out and support me.

Before we left hospital I did mention things like I’d appreciate a hand with housework, perhaps a meal brought over if I’ve not had time to cook (she takes meals over to my perfectly able bodied 42 year old brother in a regular basis) She just looked a bit pissed of and said she could help out giving twin two his bottle! When she comes over though she happily stands around watching me change nappies/get bottles etc but never offers to help. My friend was over today when she came round and I mentioned it was time to make twin twos bottle. She just sat and watched my friend offer to make it. Then when my friend later asked me what I was having for tea she said to my friend that “Lipstick doesn’t like eating anyway”Confused I was in kitchen at the time and didn’t hear. I’m breastfeeding one twin and expressing for he other ffs. I need to eat!

I will have to speak to her for certain. She’s really touchy though so I’m not sure how it will go down.

OP posts:
flopsyrabbit1 · 04/10/2018 22:10

Congratulations
You have to have had twins to realise how very hard it is,mentally and physically

If you were near me (south)i would help you i remember what it was like

I would ask her straight othrrwise it may cause resentment

Original poster
Lipsticktraces · 04/10/2018 22:15

I’m in the north @flopsyrabbit1, but I appreciate the offerSmile

Twins are utterly exhausting. I love them dearly, but God it’s a challenge.

OP posts:
NanooCov · 04/10/2018 22:16

Do she think she's a bit scared if the twins are teeny? Trying to think the best here....

My own mother constantly moans about not spending time with my kids ( we live at opposite ends of the country) but when she visits does bugger all to help and requires hosting. You have my sympathies. Parents can be very contrary.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 04/10/2018 22:17

I remember your other thread OP, there's definitely some issues between you both isn't there?

SometimesMaybe · 04/10/2018 22:17

I can’t imagine not helping my children if they were in your position. Could you be more clear when she comes around? Literally hand her a baby and a bottle? Or could you text and ask her to bring around some soup?
Otherwise you need A Plan. If you can’t rely on her then you need to get some help if you can. Can you afford a cleaner? Can DH go to M&S and by a batch of ready meals and stuff to make a big pot of soup to last for a weeks lunches? Could you advertise for a Mother’s Help - get someone to come in a few hours a couple of times a week to do laundry, cook, hold one of the babies and give a bit of moral support?

I never had twins and found the first weeks incredibly hard and if I had a shower it was a good day. You sound like you are doing amazing. Don’t worry if the house is a mess or the laundry is piling up. It will get easier (usually just after it feels like you can’t cope any more!)

Jent13c · 04/10/2018 22:26

My mum never offered to hold the baby or change a nappy at all. I think she was scared that I wouldn’t want her to or something strange like that. I found it really hard as my MIL (who was already a grandma) would come in a pick baby up, change his nappy, settle him off to sleep for me while bringing soup and cleaning the house (I know how lucky I am with her).

Now that he’s a toddler my mum is so much better with him, she’ll play, read, put him to bed, bath him etc. I think it just took her a while to find confidence in her new role. Honestly though it’s your mum, she’s not going to go away if you are a little rude. If you are needing some support from her don’t be afraid to ask for it. When she comes in just say “twin’s bottle needs heated up then he needs fed and burped and then nappy changed, thank you!”

Also, do you have anyone else who can give you some support? Ie Friends who will bring in a meal? We got meals delivered by friends for 2 weeks and it was a lifesaver.

Original poster
Lipsticktraces · 04/10/2018 22:29

@Nannoocov Do we have the same mother?Grin I don’t think she’s scared. She’s happy to pick them up and give them bottles (prepared by meHmm)

@GreatDuckCookery There are so many issues. It’s so upsetting.

@SometimesMaybye No money for cleaners or helps sadly. It’s not that I can’t keep on top of things, more that doing so is at the expense of me getting any rest at all. A bit of help would make all the difference. Even my friend popping round to help with nappies etc today felt like a godsend.

It’s not that she won’t hold a baby/give a bottle etc, but that’s as far as it goes...

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 04/10/2018 22:32

Yeah, Im not really sure that this is a case of the OP needing to be clearer. She helps her son out, she offers to help her daughter but does nothing then makes bitchy comments about her and refuses to lift a finger. And if challenged, gets "touchy".

Grade A toxic bitch then.

crimsonlake · 04/10/2018 22:35

Considering her promises, I would now be regretting moving to be nearer her. Perhaps she needs it spelling out, worth a try. If you upset her, it does not sound as if her help will be any loss.

Candlelights2345 · 04/10/2018 22:38

I think you could try being more direct and giving instructions I.e. mum can you change twin b’s nappy please, or can you look after the twins whilst I get my head down for an hour.
Be prepared for a no though, from what you’ve said unfortunately I think it sounds like she doesn’t want to. It sounds a bit shit of her.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 04/10/2018 22:49

Given your further updates YANBU at all.

From a fellow twin mum (in the NW) I’ll come and snuggle with them both so you can have a nap if you want. Mine are nearly ten!

Tobebythesea · 04/10/2018 23:08

I really feel for you and I have a similar situation with my MIL. I used to have a great relationship with my her until I had a child. She saw me struggling and didn’t help. Resentment built up and it’s never been the same.

I promised myself two things. One, that if I have another child I would scrimp and save to get a mother’s help and two, if my DD has a child/ren I will not see her struggle and do nothing.

Original poster
Lipsticktraces · 04/10/2018 23:09

I’m in the NE @diana or I would take you up on that.

I’m going to have a go at being direct. Perhaps it is just a miscommunication and she doesn’t want to step on my toes. If she reacts badly then I can start making other plans...

OP posts:
butterfly56 · 04/10/2018 23:29

I would start making other plans now regardless as she is probably going to escalate her already shitty passive aggressive behaviour OP.

She's not reliable and she is definitely not helping you.

There is so much that she could do that would be a massive help she just doesn't want to...but will be telling everyone that she has been going to yours everyday like she is helping.

I agree with BarbarianMum Typical "Grade Toxic Bitch" of a mother.

theOtherPamAyres · 05/10/2018 00:01

I think it would help if you gave your mother some specific tasks.

I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt, guessing that she has no clue whatsoever that she needs to pitch in. Instead she thinks that you need a bit of company ffs.

Can you make up a bottle? Can you take stuff out of the tumbledryer and sort it? Can you hold the fort while I go and wash my hair? Is there any chance that you can cook up something at home and bring it so that I can reheat it for dinner? Can you bring some sandwiches, tomorrow - I never get time to eat.

That sort of thing. Have a go!

thighofrelief · 05/10/2018 00:11

I wonder if you could say you are going to move near to your MIL for support as you are so exhausted.