To ask for more help from my mother?

[Lipsticktraces]

I have seven week old twins born by c section at 34 weeks due to placenta problems.

Twins and I spent five weeks in NICU due to restricted growth and other complications with twin two. It was an unbelievably stressful time, but we finally got home a week ago.

We recently relocated to be nearer to my parents. I wanted to be closer due to having twins. My mother in particular was very vocal regarding wanting to help out and support us.

It just isn’t working out that way however. She has yet to change a nappy, make up a bottle (little twin two is on expressed fortified breast milk every three hours) She comes for around half an hour a day, holds a twin for a bit and then leaves. She lives ten minutes away by car.

AIBU to feel let down after all her promises to help? DH is on night shift tonight and she left at 5pm saying she was hungry and was going for her tea. I’ve just managed to get twins down after they both woke screaming to be fed. I feel so terrible having to leave one screaming to feed the other. I already
take ADs and I’m scared of developing PND. I’m feeling so overwhelmed and tired right now

I really feel for you and you are not being unreasonable. I moved closer to my parents and am 34 weeks pregnant with second. Have a 17 month old too. I'm struggling majorly with pelvic pain and my mum and sister have been amazing. Driving me to all appointments and looking after my ds for a few hours so I can rest. Due a c-section and DH works long hours so mum and sister have already said they would do a timetable to help me week days. I can't put into words how lucky I am. Could not have made it this far without them. When I was working before maternity leave they looked after my DS 3 days a week. Refused to let me put him into nursery. Talk to your mum and tell her you are struggling.

I agree you may not be being specific enough, you want her to instinctively guess what you need. She should, it's obvious, but work with what you have. Be really explicit, will you bring me a lasagne, or will you take the babies to the park for 2 hours - whatever you are desperate for. Also I wouldn't be chuffed at scrubbing a bathroom but would be happy to do or take away laundry, deliver meals and take babies away. That's just me though.

I wouldn't mind cleaning someone else's bathroom ( family ) there's something weirdly satisfying about it. But yes get her help you out in ways she's happy to.

Yes think of her strengths, I'd be really happy to babysit, cook, shop and do admin or laundry. Cleaning, hmm no. And the babysitting I'd rather take kids away to my house or the park than be a lemon in your house. Unless they were sick or very little of course. What I mean is think of her strengths and ask for those possibly.

I’ve alreadr asked for help
With Cleaning and having meals brought. She just looked pissed off and mentioned giving the baby a bottle to help (which she’s done once, but I had to make up the bottle)

I will speak to her, but I’m building up to it. Today I’m too sleep deprived to speak to her without it descending into an argument. Both her and DF are very good at making me appear spoiled/unreasonable.

Oddly enough she’s happy to take laundry away, but tbh that’s bottom of the things I could use help with! When we were in NICU she’d do my washing and then make a big show to the nurses of how she was doing it for me

Hmm she's doesn't sound like she wants to help you really. Choose the right time to talk to her and explain that while the babies are so young you could really do with some specific help and that it won't be forever.

Sorry to say she sounds a bit of a pain OP so you have my sympathy.

It sounds like you’re going to have get even more specific. Not ‘could you help with meals?’, but ‘Could you bring lunch tomorrow?’

It’s shit that you have to ask, your DM sounds awful, but I’ve been there with early twins and you need every scrap of help you can get. It’s incredibly tough in the early days!

(On the plus side, it does get better and one day you’ll realise that having twins is actually easier than two singletons, but that’s not in the first year).

If the twins are exclusively BF, you need a LOT more to eat and drink, and as much sleep as you can get (I know, hollow laugh). That means not worrying about a routine - just get through each day and treasure any moment when you can lie down.

Best of luck - if i could I’d be round with a lasagna and an offer to take the babbas for a walk.

Oh poor you, how can she be pissed off with you for asking for that. Sadly your mum might not be right person to ask, do you have any friends locally who could help you ?

When some offer to help they do it on their terms .
She is doing your washing .
She drove you to shops .
Why did you not buy ready meals ?
Online deleviy get some order
What is DH doing no parent of babies sleeps well get up to help of you are stuck.
Show you mum how to make a bottle it will have change since she did it.
Can you buy remade milk.

I had 31 week twins so I totally get that you need help. Wherever it comes from. If not your mum can you afford to pay for a mother's help type person a few hours a day?

The best thing I did (for me) three weeks after coming home was give up expressing. I couldn't sustain it. That on top of then feeding and sterilising bottles on a 2 hour feed routine was a recipe for disaster. How is T1 fed is he bf?

Joboy

Have you read the OP's posts? No?

I'd definitely investigate the church, and to be honest I'd abandon any hope of your mum being any use at all.

Could your DH find time to online shop? Is he any good at cooking?

When everything settles down, if you haven't got a network of good friends, maybe you should move back?

@Allfednonedead She promised a few days ago to bring lunch over on Sunday. She was talking about making mashed potatoes for the Sunday lunch and I said I would love some. She looked a bit noneplussed, but then said she would bring some. She’s desperate for me to take babies to their house, but DF is a heavy smoker and I am utterly paranoid what with them being premature and twin two still quite tiny.

I’ll (virtually) take you up on that offer of food and a walk for the babies

@Candlelights Both my parents are good at getting pissed off at me. I had a whole other thread about her hurt reaction to me asking her not to say negative things to the babies about me when holding them. I don’t have many friends locally sadly. I’ve been in London for eight years, so have lost touch with a lot of people. DH isn’t from here so knows nobody.

@Joboy Whilst I appreciate the shopping and laundry they are low on the list of help I need. I can (and do) online shop and I can bung my own washing in. However I cannot feed/comfort two screaming babies at once, mind them while I try to get my head down. As I’ve said up thread we only moved here because of parents offers to help loads with twins. My DH does loads too, but he has to work and after a waking night shift he needs to get his head down. My babies aren’t on formula. Twin one is ebf and twin two is on an expressed milk with fortifier regimen prescribed by hospital.

@ileclerc Twin one is ebf and I am expressing for twin two and mixing with fortifier as per hospitals instructions. The expressing is quite stressful. I had loads of milk, but supply seems to be dropping the last few days.

@Nannyogg I do the online shopping. Ordering it isn’t a problem, finding the time to cook it is though! DH not much of a cook, although neither am I truth be told.

I’d love to move back, but we were in London and it was getting two expensive sadly. We want to buy a house etc. eventually and it’s never going to happen down there. I miss it so much though. I’m very homesick even though I’m not from there!

@Lipsticktraces I was doing the same, had to top up with nutripem to get the calories in. It's bloody exhausting.

On a purely practical level do you have any meal delivery services in your area? Or get DH to do an online shop of ready meals that you can eat with one hand.

Are you getting any sleep at all if your husband does nights?

It is knackering isn’t it? I’m afraid my nipples might fall off soon

Meal delivery? We don’t even have a fish and chip shop I’m going to do a fresh online shop today and order a shed load of ready meals and cereal bars. I may as well do something useful while babies have me trapped on sofa all day.

I probably get about two hours on the nights DH is working. I get slightly more when he’s here. We take turns feeding/changing twin two every three hours, but only I can feed twin one and she’s feeding three times a night at present.

Aaaargh! Want me to go round and shout at her for you?

Ok, strategy time. It sounds like she’s driven by a sense of image - she wants to be ‘good grandma’ in someone’s eyes (her own).

Maybe you can use this. Does she belong to any groups (church, WI, bowls team etc?) could you ask her if that group could help you? Or say you will approach them directly? This might spur her on to do something she can boast about.

Tell her about my cousins who, since he got a terminal diagnosis a few months ago, have had dinner delivered every evening by a rota of friends (spontaneously organised by the friends).

Talk a lot about how other people have helped - eg your friend the other day. Talk about stories of other twin mums getting help from family. Be passive-aggressive: ‘I know you can’t manage that, but isn’t it amazing what [fictional friend]’s mum does for her’.

Save working on your relationship with her till the DTs are older.

Text her
Dh will have ear plugs in, I'd love you to come round and help please
As she walks in "thanks for coming to help, can you just...."
Then just keep asking, she's either oblivious, thinks you do a marvellous job with her etc, or cba and just wants to sound nice. You'll only find out by making it clear what you need help with.
Oh and ask if she's cooking for your db, can she double it as you're starving....

I'd say to your mum that your thinking of hiring a mother's help and she what she says

My mum was oblivious too. She came to stay in the second week, she would sit and hold my baby if he was asleep but not help with anything practical like washing or cleaning.

She said all I do all day was watch tv and it was boring. She also moaned on about how no one helped her when I was born.

Hats off to you with twins OP. Def ask your HV for any help, just ask what help can I get ?

@catdogfish The level of cluelessness is staggering isn’t it? Funnily enough my DM always says how much help she had from my GM with DB and I. It makes her behaviour seem even odder.

“ Funnily enough my DM always says how much help she had from my GM with DB and I. It makes her behaviour seem even odder.”

Not really. She subconsciously considers herself as someone to be helped, not someone doing the helping. You need to keep at her because it clearly doesn’t come naturally to her.

You do mention a lot of “looks” she gives you. Are you sure you are interpreting them correctly? If so and she really is being passive aggressive with this bevy if facial expressions, I would recommend looking directly at her while she does, eyebrows raised expectantly, bland smile on your face as if to say “yes?” while she’s eyerolling at you. Sorry but saying “I’ll bring lunch” then getting huffy when you take her up on it is ridiculous, don’t let her wriggle her way out of it!

Ooh, have you got a twin carrier? There's one it's called Weego, you can use it even for premature babies. My twins lived in that when they were under 6 months.

Oh my god I cannot believe your mother trotted out the "sleep when they sleep" line, most hated of all useless baby advice when you have twins. Mine slept in shifts.

If you want a go at getting a routine, the book "Teach Your Child to Sleep" by the Millpond clinic is good. But before about 6 months or so it's a bit of a lost cause - "just" try and focus on letting them sleep (as they get a little older they might get fussier about where they sleep, which is where a baby carrier/pram/ room darkeened by damp tinfoil on the window start to be useful) and try to make sure they get direct sunlight in the morning (9am us the peak time I think) to help set their circadian rhythms. You might find that they naturally start to settle to a 7pmish bedtime/7am start by about 12 weeks corrected, then the day gets a bit easier to plan.

Aargh god OP I was you 6 years ago and if I lived round your way I would totally come by your house every day with my crazy ladies and give you all the help. It's about the babies, isn't it? Some days for me were not even that busy but the thing where they both need you and you can only feed one is utterly harrowing.

@DeadGood She actually runs around like a tit after my DF and (lazy AF) DB. It’s just me that gets the shitty end of the stick, despite just providing her with her only grandchildren.

I’m not imaging it about the looks I promise

! I’ll give your suggestions a go

@toomuchtooold I was looking at the Weegos online yesterday. I think I’m definitely going to have to invest in one. At least I’ll be able to move around then.

I’ll have a look at that book too. God yes, it is the most harrowing sound in the world. It makes you feel like the worlds worst mother, which is a feeling I’m already developing over the course of this week.

I haven’t got any good advice that hasn’t already been offered - but please tell people you need help! I’ve never offered when friends have had babies as I’ve assumed family will be helping, but if anyone I knew (even not well) asked me to help of course I would, and I would hate to think that someone was struggling and waiting for me to offer

Why are you not asking your brother or dad for help .
You DH will have do more . Too.
Get you freind to come