To ask for more help from my mother?

[Lipsticktraces]

I have seven week old twins born by c section at 34 weeks due to placenta problems.

Twins and I spent five weeks in NICU due to restricted growth and other complications with twin two. It was an unbelievably stressful time, but we finally got home a week ago.

We recently relocated to be nearer to my parents. I wanted to be closer due to having twins. My mother in particular was very vocal regarding wanting to help out and support us.

It just isn’t working out that way however. She has yet to change a nappy, make up a bottle (little twin two is on expressed fortified breast milk every three hours) She comes for around half an hour a day, holds a twin for a bit and then leaves. She lives ten minutes away by car.

AIBU to feel let down after all her promises to help? DH is on night shift tonight and she left at 5pm saying she was hungry and was going for her tea. I’ve just managed to get twins down after they both woke screaming to be fed. I feel so terrible having to leave one screaming to feed the other. I already
take ADs and I’m scared of developing PND. I’m feeling so overwhelmed and tired right now

Actually I remembered something my also unless MIL rather than my mum said about a year back (when DS was a few months old.)

MIL rang up and said I'll pop over at lunchtime to see you. I said well DS will be asleep then, why don't you come an hour earlier and join us going to an baby activity. She replied oh I'm coming to keep you company not DS. So see you at lunch.

So maybe your mother thinks "helping" is popping in for a short while to see you and then she's off.

Personally I would of preferred help rather than company in the newborn era. I'm ok being on my own with DS. As I could of just slept or read my phone or tackled the washing mountain or try to clean something but everyone's different and some people need some adult company.

“She actually runs around like a tit after my DF and (lazy AF) DB”

In that case you need to get them on board too. They may be crap but it can’t hurt, right? You said your dad was open to helping, just is limited on time? So can you get help from him in the form of encouraging your mum to do more, and divert attention away from your brother?

@DeadGood DF isn’t limited on time. They are both retired and don’t even have any hobbies/prior commitments. He wouldn’t get involved though. He’ll help us with DIY and “manly” things, but he views babies as women’s work. He treats DH changing a nappy as if it makes him father of the year! He’s not even picked either of the twins up yet.

DB would never help either. He’s bone idle. He’s not even seen the babies for four weeks, despite the fact that twin two has been quite ill in the last few weeks.

She said that she won't come today unless you want her to - reply and say yes please I really do want/need you to.

Ask if she can take the twins out for a walk for an hour. And ask if she can mind them whilst you prepare a meal (do double quantities).

Tell her that sleeping when the baby sleeps only works for single babies or synced up twins if that even exists. Let her know that you are on your knees with the babies and that you need much more practical help, say what you need, ask what she is prepared/able to do from your list and talk over ideas of how to get more help from elsewhere, she may have ideas on this.

Ask if she can make two meals when she makes a meal for your brother and bring one to yours.

With regards to getting the babies into routine can you find an online forum of twin parents?

I really sympathise with your situation and I think you need to be assertive about what you need with your parents and your dh.

My MIL used to help new mothers out via her church btw.

Not that she ever helped me but that's another story 😂

Stop telling telling us they won't help and fucking ask them

Please - no more expecting your mother to mind-read.

If you don't ask, you don't get.

What about your father?

OP, I feel for you and I never had twins. I had IL’s who begged us to let them come to the U.K. to meet their first DGC and promised to clean, do laundry, cook...the whole lot. We had said no so many times but the promises of help wore us down.

I asked for cleaning help? Why couldn’t I do it?

I asked MIL to put laundry on? Well, I was just sat on the couch all day bf-ing, do it when you get up.

I asked for them to sort dinner? I was commanded to help cook since 10 days post birth is a great time to learn a new dish I never cared for.

Some people love how it feels to offer and how grateful the recipient is for the future help. But when nappies, cooking and washing towels is the reality they balk. DS is almost 13 and I am still pissed off how they ruined my newborn time. I’m guessing you feel it double! Would your MIL come up for a week long stay to batch cook, help with feeds, give you a break?

I really feel for you lipstick. My own experience with my d(?)m makes me want to caution you to back off and not pressure her further as she might hit out at you/put you down in a defensive act, and the rejection/broken trust could really push you over the edge depression wise. I remember begging my mother on the phone to come over and look after baby as I had life saving surgery after botched birth and hadn't slept in over 80 hours. She exploded and a tirade of insults followed until I hung up. Some mums are just not the caring type and one needs to protect oneself from them!
I very much hope though that with your dm it's just a case of not getting it! As I had no help and started to develop depression I stopped breastfeeding. I bought premixed formula that already came in little bottles. After that everything became a (comparative) breeze. DCs are both very healthy, so I would bottle feed again in an instance rather than loose my mind in a totally overwhelming situation. Big hug to you! And do try the churches in your area! They might also have some parent and baby groups as a way for you to make new friends.

Anyone can see that the mother of newborns will need some help. She has been in your position with a newborn and knows how tiring (double for you I know) it is and I think people are being kind to suggest she may need more direct approach. Ask her, can you do this and thank her, so she feels appreciated. If this fails and she wants to be hosted, as my mother, and sister and brother and pil oh wait,,,, every fucker, wanted. Then do not answer the door.

Twin and multiple birth groups in your area are a great place to start making supportive friends.

She gave you an opportunity to reply with the truth "I won't come unless you need me". You DO NEED HER. So tell her. I know how hard it is to ask for help. I've needed lessons. So just tell her.
"I need you mum. Right now. It's so hard with two. I get no respite. If you could even help me for 24 hours one day a week right now whilst I find my feet I would be so so happy". How is she going to say no to that?

Hi OP. Please contact Homestart to find out if they have a branch near you. I worked as a volunteer for them for 7 years, and a Homestart volunteer is exactly what you need by the sounds of it.

Ok@Joboy

Calm yourself down, maybe go read another post and be super helpful on there. Think you've given all the advice you can.
Hey@Lipsticktraces I only have one she's 9months old so can only feel half your pain but I swear there is light at the end of this really long dark tunnel your in. My sister had twins they are 13 months old now so can sort of sympathise however my only advice would be what's already been said.
The baby carrier was never off I found it much easier to give in and just carry her round ditto for my sister. If your feeling isolated can you look at maybe getting a car for your self ?? Once you've dragged yourself through these hellish first few months baby groups are a lifesaver.
Your mother sounds like mine. I helped my sister when I could and vice versa but we just slogged through it and learned to live with no sleep. See what your HV can suggest maybe have another go at your mum when you've worked up to it. If you don't get anywhere let it go at least then when mother in the future boasts about how much she helped you ' you can take great please in saying WHEN ??? Just remember coffee is your friend. Keep going your doing so well you just can't see it xxxxx

My son is 18 severely disabled due to medical malpractice and a job and a half on a good day but he was a damn amount of work as an infant: on oxygen,feeding tube,medications,colicky crying nonstop for eight months. I was recovering from a c-section, gallbladder surgery and inflamed pancreas and spect 12-days in hospital after his birth but had more issues after discharge-my mother wasn’t working and never came up to see us or offer to help once! Finally my sister dragged her to see me and she literally said “I’m sorry I’m away from your father and I’m going to take advantage of it” and went to the mall! My husband and I managed to survive these 18-years but it’s been so stressful and taken a toll on us. The only consolation I had was my grandmother was so fed up with my lack of support from my mother,her daughter,and would tell her off on a regular basis “She’s a wonderful mother and you SHOULD be helping her!!!”

OP I deleted rest of my post accidentally:best of luck to you and your twins!

It must be really hard when you had promises and uprooted your lives based on them. if she doesn't respond to straight requests, remind her of that and how disappointed you feel that they were hollow words.

I would be tempted to leave a few estate agent property details for houses closer to mil around for her to see as "just something you are both thinking about..."

Just as an aside, my friend used to feed her twins in bed with a v cushion and one swaddled under each arm. One on her breast and one bottlefed. Once the one was latched on, she used to use the hand on that side to hold the bottle to feed the one on the other side. She also used to put the bottle one up against raised knees to front feed. Being in bed helped the juggling act and neither could go anywhere. I was amazed how she managed to do that! She breastfed the one for three months then switched to ebm, making it easier to feed them both in front of her instead of hooked under her arms.
I take my hat off to you for dealing with what you have on your tod!

A little update for all those who contributed to my thread.

DM came round last night. DH gave her twin two to hold whilst I was in the kitchen. I came back in the living room and she asked me if I minded her holding the baby! I replied of course not, that I wish she would hold them more as I really need more help with them than I’m getting.

She then asked if I’d like her to come round tomorrow so we can go out for a few hours/sleep/whatever we want. She’s also going to bring us over some Sunday dinner

Hopefully things will improve now. Starting to wonder how horrible a daughter she must think I am to think I’d object to her holding her grandson.

OP i think she's been scared of stepping on toes. This is a life lesson for you to state clearly what you need or want rather than being hurt people can't guess. I meant that kindly and great news re your DM.

OP really glad there has been progress with your mum. Hopefully she will start to help out more now. As others said she seems to have maybe been scared of stepping on toes. My mum did something a bit similar with my twins - stuck around when we were all in hospital then left as soon as I got out and could have done with support (to be fair she did live in a different region of the UK so not close). She wanted to give us space to bond with the twins. Luckily mine had been synced by their stay in NICU and I could tandem feed so I was getting rest but was still hard. I know lots of people have said about homestart (not the same as surestart who I initially got them mixed up with) but if you can get a volunteer would give you a couple of hours break a week. Also highly recommend local twins groups - largely for a good moan to someone who gets it! Good luck.

She needs to do less for DF and DB and more for her twin grandbabies!

Sadly you may never change her mindset.

Don't buy a house where you are, there's fuck all to do and your family are no help. Move where you'll be happy.

It's a bit overwhelming when you're faced with your own child with their baby. I don't do very much when I visit ddil and the grands. But I do pick up 5yo dgs from school and have him for sleepovers (which hopefully lightens the load).

Well done OP!
It's not always easy to ask for help.

That's good OP, it sounds like for whatever reason she has not wanted to step on your toes? I'm glad that she's had a change of heart and will hopefully give you the help you so desperately need.