To ask for more help from my mother?

[Lipsticktraces]

I have seven week old twins born by c section at 34 weeks due to placenta problems.

Twins and I spent five weeks in NICU due to restricted growth and other complications with twin two. It was an unbelievably stressful time, but we finally got home a week ago.

We recently relocated to be nearer to my parents. I wanted to be closer due to having twins. My mother in particular was very vocal regarding wanting to help out and support us.

It just isn’t working out that way however. She has yet to change a nappy, make up a bottle (little twin two is on expressed fortified breast milk every three hours) She comes for around half an hour a day, holds a twin for a bit and then leaves. She lives ten minutes away by car.

AIBU to feel let down after all her promises to help? DH is on night shift tonight and she left at 5pm saying she was hungry and was going for her tea. I’ve just managed to get twins down after they both woke screaming to be fed. I feel so terrible having to leave one screaming to feed the other. I already
take ADs and I’m scared of developing PND. I’m feeling so overwhelmed and tired right now

When I had my twins we already an 11 month old as, when they were born I was really hoping my mum would help, I was trying to breast feed and my dd had a awful cough and cold, I hadn't slept in god knows how long and ended up poorly with a d&v dh works long shift work and because of loads and loads of problems before the babies were born he had so much time off he couldn't take anymore, anyway my mum popped over and I was on the sofa babies in there chairs and dd chilling watching a movie, she came in telling me how lazy I was and proceeded to start scrubbing things down and saying my skirting boards were filthy.

Anyway she has got a lot better now but gosh it was a hard time I really feel for you.

Is there a local college/school near you that teaches childcare? Perhaps they don't do it now, but schools/colleges used to send their students to families with newborns so they could get hands on experience. That might help. I'm sorry, darling I don't have any words of wisdom re your mother.

You could try the charity Homestart, they are nationwide and I'm sure you'd benefit from it.

Like others, I'm often, on many MN threads the poster that will say you can't 'expect' parents to be at your beck and call to help you out.
I think your situation is entirely different though.
Of course I would expect her to be helping you.
Like others have said, I think you need to be direct / specific and ask her to do specific tasks - be that bringing you some meals, or changing a nappy.
If she takes umbrage at being given specific tasks, well, you aren't really any worse off, than her sitting there not helping, are you?
Do please ask other people for help. People will be happy to help but just might assume you are getting the support you need from your Mum.

@thighofrelief My MIL lives nearly 300 miles away, otherwise I would consider it!

I’ve looked into Homestart, but I don’t think they have one in my area. There’s a college not that far from us though. I might look into that. Thank you.

DM text me at 10pm last night to ask if everything was OK. I felt like answering “No, my babies have been screaming in unison, I haven’t eaten and had no time to express milk for twin two” instead I just didn’t answer and never heard from her again. We could all be dead ffs!

@BackforGood That’s an excellent point. I’m no worse off if she gets annoyed that just watching her sit there wittering on to a twin about how it’s got wind and is filling it’s napppy!

Tbh I haven’t got many other people to ask for help. We moved back to be near my parents and I haven’t got many friends here now. DH family is hundreds of miles away

Why dont you use the text as an opportunity to tell her you need more support?

Just reply with something like "actually no, i am exhausted and could really use XYZ to give me some rest/time to eat properly/ sort whatever. Its been lovely having your help getting babies fed but i need this too".

Lipstick do you have any churches near you? Our parish helps mothers in situations such as yours, they don't need to have any faith background and we don't have any expectations that they join the church or anything. People can come and help you during the day and we also provide meals if you are feeling overwhelmed. I would call around your local churches and ask if they can help in any way.

I cannot imagine anyone not helping their daughter out in your situation. She is being no use at all. Promising support then not delivering on that is unforgivable when you have 2 babies to take care of. You will eventually get into a routine. I think I would ask friends or other relatives for help as they may assume your DM is helping. The least she could do is cook you a meal then look after the babies while you eat it. Do you have a perfect prep machine as that makes up bottles in just a minute or two?

What @DittoNut said. Definitely tell her. You need help. Twins are very challenging and you need more than a token bottle hold. She's your mum. She loves you.

When my lo was born I had a friend who had twins
While i struggled with one she did amazing with 2 and she had a toddler.
BUT her own older sister moved in for the first fortnight.
Time to lay it on the line with your mum.
With twins it's just round the clock feeding - good luck.

Sorry, just seen you are EBF so ignore my comment about the perfect prep. So annoying as you specifically moved to be closer to her.

You can't be pissing about hoping she's going to improve. You need help now. Ask your HV about Homestart, they can send you someone to help once or twice a week. I'm painfully aware that that covers about two of the 50 or so feeds you'll be doing in a week but if you have some friends who can also help out and if your DH is there at the morning feed you might be able to cover the majority of them. It's so hard in the early days, I really feel for you.

Oh OP I do feel for you. It's so frustrating and no doubt multiplied with twins. Be direct and be precise. That's really the only way you'll find out what the issue is. I felt quite pressured by my mum and MIL to get pregnant as soon as I got married and now have a beautiful 7 week old. She was also a special care baby so I understand how stressful that in itself can be. I was already running on empty post c section before I even got home. Despite being very vocal to me, family and anyone who would listen about helping and offering little bits of childcare when I go back to work (My MIL will literally stop a waitress in a restaurant to talk about itL) I've also had a lot of spectators but no help. I've actually text my MIL to directly ask if she'll come round Monday to help after LOs vaccinations in case she's really grumpy, clingy etc and she said yes so we'll see. You can only ask for what you need and see what happens. Shes obviously not obligated to help as I get that my mum and MIL aren't either but I've started saying that people need to pitch in and make their own drinks And all that or realistically I can't cope with as many visits as I haven't got time to entertain. I would also get yourself Amazon prime for about £8 a month. You'll save a fortune on basics to make back the money and it's usually next day delivery. It means I can think oh we're low on nappies, get some on my phone and hey presto they're in my porch. It's the best thing I've treated myself to. Could you also get yourself a Tesco shop of easy to heat up food and grabby snacks? Of course it would be great if your mum would help you out with food as she does your brother but at least then you'll have some easy grab and go options. More often than not LO has woken up crying or wanting feeding when I've booked the shop despite trying to schedule it for naps and the drivers just bung everything in the kitchen for me. My dad uses ocardo who actually put the shopping away for him.

Many congrats on your twins.

My mum was completely useless when I had my DS1, so I can understand how disappointing it is when you lack support from your mum, thankfully my MIL was really helpful and still is! My DS are in their late teens now.

Unfortunately your mum may not change, I know it’s not what you want to hear, you can try as others have suggested to ask for what you need and see how it goes. Perhaps you mum could pick up a sandwich for you to eat on her way over, ask her to put the wash on, and take the twins out for a walk in the pram, even for half an hour to give you a rest.

Take any offers of help from friends etc. Perhaps consider taking on a cleaner for a few hours a week if you can afford to do so, that could take the pressure off a bit.

Accept that you just can’t do everything, the twins and yourself need to be the priority right now.

It will get easier OP, it’s a lot to adjust to. Wishing you lots of luck and I really hope you will get the support you need.

Where in the north east are you ? I am !

“ hi mum . I’m after a big favour .
I’m really struggling and stressed and wondering if you would be able to come over and share the load a bit ?
I know it’s a big ask, but you did say you would help before I moved . I’m feeling overwhelmed and exhausted and worried about my depression getting worse.
If you could spend a few hours here without me feeling that I’m keeping you that would be really great . Being starving and not being able to prepare food makes me feel worse, if you could maybe bring something over like you do for DB it would really help . I need more food than usual at the mo .
I don’t want to be a burden but it would really help “
Send this to mum

Oh op this is rubbish :( there's no worse feeling than being let down by your mum.

When I had my dd ( now 7 ) I thought my mum would be over the moon. We had recently lost dgm whilst I was heavily pregnant ( her mum ) and I can count on one hand the amount of times she has helped me out in almost 8 years.

Twins are hard work, my brother has twins who are 10 now and we all used to help out when they were little as I remember one would go asleep and the other would wake up and my ex sil struggled a lot as my brother worked permanent nights.
I think it may be time to spell it out to your mum that you could really do with the help that she promised as you are still getting to grips with motherhood. Your babies have had a traumatic start and so have you.
It takes ages to feel like you're doing it right and once in a routine you will feel so much better i promise.

My ds is 15 now and when he was born I felt under such pressure ( from nobody but myself ) to be perfect and have a perfect home. I do have OCD which doesn't help and whenever he napped I used to run around cleaning and the house was perfect, his little vests were ironed and I was a wreck.

When I had dd I napped when she did where possible. Standards went out of the bloody window! I don't know how i would have coped with twins so whatever you're doing so far is fab.

Massive congrats on your babies and good luck with your mum

I would always want to help my child when they are a adult and would never leave them struggling. I think you should speak to her about it but I would also try and get some other help in place can you call the health visitor and ask about a homestart volunteer coming they could help with house work and getting things ready. I. also in the north east and where I am we still have children's centres they do lots of groups for babies for free and they have helpers at the centre aswell as other mums, also i have seen groups for twins before which might be pretty supportive for you as they are going through it aswell. There is also a app called mush you can download and it shows you all the other mums on the app in your area and lots of new mums meet up for walks and to go for a coffee. So I know may be it's a bit early for groups ECT but if you could build up a bit of a support network of other new mums I do think it helps

There is a church five minutes from our house. I didn’t realise they potentially helped out with families. I will have to call in. Although as a severely lapsed Catholic the roof might cave in

To make it worse the place we’ve moved too has absolutely bugger all in it or to do. There’s nowhere to even walk the babies too (in a theoretical universe where I could get ready and the babies out the door) We only moved here to be near my parents!

I think DM perhaps has very odd ideas of what constitutes help. Last night when my friend expressed concern about me getting an evening meal, DM said I had food in as we’d been to Asda a few days previously (she’d driven me as we have no car atm) Perhaps taking me to Asda is her idea of helping? Which of course it is, but it’s such a small part of the equation when I can’t actually grab a minute to cook the food I’ve bought. DH and I haven’t had a cooked meal all week!

@Zoflorabore Everyone talks about getting a routine, but tbh I don’t know where to start! Atm twins are sleeping in bed with me after being fed. I’m that tired after about three hours sleep that I’ve got no energy to get up yet.

I’m seeing my Health visitor on Monday, so I will speak to her then. I’d love to join some groups, but twins are a bit little yet. Although I’ll have to rely on DM for lifts.

Sorry to all those who also have/had unhelpful DMs. It’s a rubbish feeling.

So I finally answered DM text saying how exhausted I am. Her reply? To sleep when the babies sleep (am I alone in wanting to stab anyone who makes that pointless suggestion?) then saying she won’t come over today unless I want her too as DH has just come back from night shift and she doesn’t want to disturb him.

So I’m obviously expected to sit with babies alone all day while DH sleeps, after being alone since 6pm yesterday.

I give up

I think her text message shows that she is possibly afraid of treading on toes. I have sons so would be so mindful of not taking over/being bossy with a DIL but if it was a DD ......I would also be scared about handling such little babies as I'm so out of practice. Could it be anything like that?

It makes me despair when people say your babies your choice your work, wtaf are families for? Try Homestart anyway and see what they suggest, they may have a helper they can send you. Also there is an organisation called TAMBLA see if they can offer suggestions. And the church too. If you haven't the strength for phone calls write one email and c&p to those 3 organisations plus your HV. You poor lamb, sending you a virtual lasagne.

You are doing amazing op my mum is the same it's very frustrating I'm sad for you that you moved to be close to her and she's let you down like this

OP you still aren’t listening. You need to spell it out to her.
She clearly doesn’t particularly want to help, but help she must. (Sorry, but that is how I feel - she knew OP was moving to be near her, she promised support, now she has to give it.)
So tell her what you need. Not just “I’m tired” - she won’t take the hint.
Say “no mum, I need you every day. Please can you come over for a few hours and help. I’m struggling here.”
You also need to tell any friends and family that you are struggling too, and possibly that your mum isn’t offering the level of support you had hoped for. When your friend was over, it’s GOOD that she was fussing around you, your mum needs to see what is expected of her and step up. When friends come over in future, they need to challenge your mum when she says things like “Lipstick doesn’t like eating”. Not in a hostile way - just a “oh, there’s ingredients? Let’s make a quick soup then, come on Lipstick’s mum”.

Oh OP how frustrating! It sounds like she's one of these people that needs things spelling out and that she's not the sort tonuse her own initiative, could be that she's scared of stepping on your toes or that she just doesn't think for herself?

What about asking her to make you a meal that you could reheat, lasagne or a stew? And see what she says? Or mention that the bathroom needs a clean and could she do it?

Wished you lived near me, I'd help you out