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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Thinking it’s weird that DP third wheels himself

132 replies

GingerSwan · 04/10/2018 20:56

I don’t mind the occasional 3rd wheel and I get along with DP’s friends... but recently when I’m at home with the DC (and if DP doesn’t have work the next day) my DP goes to his best friend’s girlfriends house and stays there overnight. With his best friend there as well of course, but noone else.

I don’t particularly think there’s anything shady going on I just think it’s weird

He point blank refuses to use taxis. He drives up to her house, drinks with them and leaves his car on the drive, sleeping there overnight until the next afternoon when he can drive again

If it was me I would get a taxi up and then a taxi home again. It’s not like he can’t afford it Blush

My DC aren’t his, so even if he stayed here he wouldn’t be looking after them (so he hasn’t abandoned any responsibility).

If im free for the weekend he doesn’t go, probably because he knows I wouldn’t want to sit and drink in some else’s living room. AIBU to think that he’s intruding on their privacy a bit Confused His best friend doesn’t live there by the way, this is a new relationship of only a few weeks

OP posts:
SinglePringle · 05/10/2018 06:30

Kimora, I genuinely don’t know what you’re on about...Confused

MaisyPops · 05/10/2018 06:55

Maybe I just struggle to understand a friendship so close, I can accept that
That explains the overreaction on your part.

It's not unreasonable to think it's a bit odd for a mate to regularly 3rd wheel his mate's new relationships at the new girlfriends house.
It is unreasonable to assume that there is something up, they're on drugs, having some sort of sex party etc.

Mates drinking and staying over is perfectly normal. It's the newness of mate's relationship that makes it unusual.

Agree with other posters that it sounds like he isn't interested in playing dad to your children.

oldsockeater · 05/10/2018 07:10

Sounds like he has a crush on the new girlfriend. Most couples are happy to go home to their own bed after an evening with friends, rather than needing to stay over to avoid missing out on their company. Also you say he never stayed over with the best mate before the girlfriend was on the scene. Very odd.

Feb2018mumma · 05/10/2018 07:14

My husband always used to do that and still does occasionally. I did too, it's fun and cheaper to drink round someone's house, you can watch movies and order take out and then hangover take away too! Odd it's only a few weeks in, but then again if she has a house available to drink in, why not!

Belindabauer · 05/10/2018 07:32

This is not a young teenage/early 20s young free and singleton.
He has a partner and his own home.
It's also very strange because he doesn't know the woman.
It's strange because he isn't with his mate, he is with a random woman, in her house.
It's my something id be happy with.

Belindabauer · 05/10/2018 07:33

Not something id be happy with.

Butterymuffin · 05/10/2018 07:33

It's the frequency of it that is odd. He's choosing to spend a lot of his time with this friend and gf. Like that's his social norm now.

DayManChampionOfTheSun · 05/10/2018 07:34

My friends dp moved into my house about 3weeks after they got together. Me and dp had a spare room and he was needing somewhere to stay before moving into his new house. Stayed about a month.

I really don't think this situation is weird at all.

Blackoutblinds · 05/10/2018 07:35

According to the first post, he’s doing it when the op’s Kids are there at the weekends. He doesn’t do it on a kid free weekend.

He’s happy to spend time with the op going out or sitting in, he just isn’t keen to spend weekend evenings sitting in with her kids.

Does he live with you full time Ginger?

Bluntness100 · 05/10/2018 07:43

What I find odd about this thread is how many people are apparently confused by it.

He stays at rhe new girlfriends house. Regularly. Not his mates house, he goes to the new girlfriends house, drinks with them and stays over till late the next day. He doesn't shoot off in the morning either.

He does it regularly. His mate has only known this woman a matter of weeks.

He previously used to get a taxi back from where ever they were,now he refuses. He can easily afford it.

It's also not a rare catch up, or after a night out, he's doing it a lot. He is not some young kid.

He is indeed third wheeling himself. And it's odd.

Blackoutblinds · 05/10/2018 07:45

They can be more relaxed / stay up later / drink more / it’s cheaoer if he stays at mates gf house.

I honestly don’t see the issue but I’m case it has upset him I’m going to text my bf and see if he has an issue with me staying at my friend John’s. (His name isn’t John)

Bluntness100 · 05/10/2018 07:50

Black out, I think you're still misunderstanding. Firstly we all understand why folks drink athome, and secondly he isn't staying at his mates, so why are you asking your boy friend if he's upset you stay at your friends? Why is it relevant?

This man isn't staying at his friends, he's staying at his friends new girlfriends. Regularly, and it's a relationship that's a few weeks old.

Blackoutblinds · 05/10/2018 07:52

I’m not misunderstanding. I just genuinely don’t see what the big deal is that he’s staying at his friends GF house.

I don’t see why it matters. His BF is going there to carry on drinking and socialising and then stay overnight that night and asks his to go with.

No drama.

How long is “a few weeks” anyway? Could be 3 months, could be a fortnight

Blackoutblinds · 05/10/2018 07:54

*his friend

DayManChampionOfTheSun · 05/10/2018 07:58

He only used to come home when they were out in the pubs, presumably they had no where else to stay. When they went to house parties, they would stay there. I also think its responsible of him not to shoot off in the am as if they have had a late drinking session until 6am or whatever, he probably isn't okay to drive until the afternoon. Better he hang about than drive over the limit.

He is hanging out with his friend and his friends gf, who I would assume is now also his friend after hanging out together. Just because they have only been together a short while doesn't mean they will be all over each other all the time, they are probably capable of having a laugh and a conversation also.

Mari50 · 05/10/2018 08:03

Personally I can’t imagine meeting someone new and being at that lovely early stage of a relationship and having his mate round to stay overnight regularly. And he stays til the afternoon as well. Totally weird from every angle.

underneaththeash · 05/10/2018 08:08

When I was in my 20's we used to have a couple of people who came for drinks in the evening and would then stay over. One was completely innocent and the other wasn't....

Juells · 05/10/2018 08:20

All I can think of is Kavanaugh claiming that Devil's Triangle is a drinking game Grin

easyandy101 · 05/10/2018 08:28

I regularly stay over at a couple friend's house and don't think there's anything weird about it

We do all drink, have sex and take drugs though

Bluntness100 · 05/10/2018 08:30

I think in late teens early twenties it's totally normal. When you get older, there is kids involved, irs easy enough to get home, it's totally odd to always want to be hanging with a new couple at the new partners house, and late into the next day, but can see some folks think it's normal whether you're twenty forty or sixty.

Blackoutblinds · 05/10/2018 08:35

But the DP doesn’t have kids, for a start, and we don’t know how new this new relationship is.

I find the attitude towards those of us who would innocently - no kink no sex no threesomes no drink no drugs - do this really strange.

Is it so hard to understand that someone else does something different to what you would do?

I find the ascribing of sleazy motives to it and the disdainful attitude that one must be an immature druggie really judgemental.

I’ve a new boyfriend of a couple of months. If we were out with his friend and he wanted to come e here, continue to socialise with my new boyfriend and then crash, that would be fine.

If he was here and said “my mate x wants to come over” I’d say grand (assuming I’ve already met x and possibly even if not) and trip off to bed quite happily leaving them talking shite and drinking beer.

Agentornika · 05/10/2018 08:39

Just all sounds a bit sad, sitting in drinking all night and probably taking drugs - how old are they all?

Is this really the type of man you want around your kids?

Redken24 · 05/10/2018 08:45

Maybe the new girlfriend doesnt want him going other places? If a new thing.

Bluntness100 · 05/10/2018 08:49

If he was here and said “my mate x wants to come over” I’d say grand (assuming I’ve already met x and possibly even if not) and trip off to bed quite happily leaving them talking shite and drinking beer

Blimey, I'm not going to keep explaining it. It's the fact it's so regular. But we all get you think it's fine. Honestly we get it.

Blackoutblinds · 05/10/2018 08:51

And I get that you think I’m a weird kinky sex druggie.

Pleasant. Not.