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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Thinking it’s weird that DP third wheels himself

132 replies

GingerSwan · 04/10/2018 20:56

I don’t mind the occasional 3rd wheel and I get along with DP’s friends... but recently when I’m at home with the DC (and if DP doesn’t have work the next day) my DP goes to his best friend’s girlfriends house and stays there overnight. With his best friend there as well of course, but noone else.

I don’t particularly think there’s anything shady going on I just think it’s weird

He point blank refuses to use taxis. He drives up to her house, drinks with them and leaves his car on the drive, sleeping there overnight until the next afternoon when he can drive again

If it was me I would get a taxi up and then a taxi home again. It’s not like he can’t afford it Blush

My DC aren’t his, so even if he stayed here he wouldn’t be looking after them (so he hasn’t abandoned any responsibility).

If im free for the weekend he doesn’t go, probably because he knows I wouldn’t want to sit and drink in some else’s living room. AIBU to think that he’s intruding on their privacy a bit Confused His best friend doesn’t live there by the way, this is a new relationship of only a few weeks

OP posts:
Gabilan · 04/10/2018 22:07

He goes to a friend's house, hangs out with her and her boyfriend, has some drinks and stays over. That's it?

No. He goes to his friend's girlfriend's house, quite frequently, when they've not been together very long. So he's hanging out with a new couple, in their honeymoon period, at the house of someone he doesn't know very well (the new girlfriend).

It's not Teresa-May-dancing weird, but it's a bit Hmm. It's the frequency IMO and the newness of the relationship.

MaisyPops · 04/10/2018 22:15

donquixotedelamancha
To me it's a bit unusual for a couple who've been together a few weeks and don't live together to be happy for a regular weekend 3rd wheel at the girlfriend's house. It doesn't really go hand in hand with the 'new relationship' stage. (I could just about see a mate inviting his mate round to his at the weekend when his girlfriend is staying round his, but still not really new relationshippy unless they were friends before dating)

Agree with you totally on it not being a problem to have drinks and stay over with a mate and his girlfriend though.

DDogMum · 04/10/2018 22:16

^*recently when I’m at home with the DC (and if DP doesn’t have work the next day) my DP goes to his best friend’s girlfriends house and stays there overnight.

My DC aren’t his, so even if he stayed here he wouldn’t be looking after them (so he hasn’t abandoned any responsibility).

If im free for the weekend he doesn’t go, probably because he knows I wouldn’t want to sit and drink in some else’s living room.*^

It's these three bits that make me wonder if he's avoiding your children/not wanting you to think he wants to take the relationship too seriously? He's happy when it's just the two of you.
Apologies if I'm wrong

Original poster
GingerSwan · 04/10/2018 22:17

The fact that some people don’t think it’s so weird is reassuring, that must be DP’s thought process

I don’t think any of the kinky suggestions are right, but I have been considering that it’s drugs

I do think it’s odd, and can’t understand why you wouldn’t want to come back home but it’s more-so the frequency that gets to me

OP posts:
GabsAlot · 04/10/2018 22:18

they dont even live together but your dp think its ok to stay over his friends girlfirends house

i think shes too polite to say no incase the bf doesnt like it

just maybe mention she cold just be being polite

Original poster
GingerSwan · 04/10/2018 22:20

Yes it well could be avoiding the DC honestly never crossed my mind

Also makes me lean more towards drugs (as in he doesn’t want to be under the influence around them or on a comedown)

OP posts:
Holidayshopping · 04/10/2018 22:22

How long has he been staying at her house? She’s only been with his friend for a Few weeks??

What did he and his best friend do 4+ weeks ago for fun?

SinglePringle · 04/10/2018 22:24

Fucking hell, the level of ‘if it ain’t what I’d do then it must be nefarious’ is bonkers on here...

Your bloke loves his best mate (platonic). Misses him, likes hanging out.

On occasion, when you’re not about, he (because he loves his platonic mate) heads over to mates. Mates new GF is there. Presumably mate and new GF aren’t going for it on the sofa? New couple are basking in the glory of their love, endorsed by oldest mate.

Everyone has a jar or six, your fella crashes on sofa, new couple drunkenly head to bed (basking in the endorsement of your bloke) and start something neither of them. An finish...

Nowt embarrassing, dodgy or AdultFriendNet about it.

PS. All the above still stand if the evening out is at the new girlfriends place

Holidayshopping · 04/10/2018 22:26

PS. All the above still stand if the evening out is at the new girlfriends place

It is odd though if he’s only starting doing evenings like this recently and didn’t do them before though.

LeftRightCentre · 04/10/2018 22:27

This is like the gal whose husband would spend the night in his best friend's bed, spooning and holding each other all night. But they weren't bi or gay or ever did anything more than spoon and cuddle all night. Right. I'm Megan Markle, too, btw.

timeisnotaline · 04/10/2018 22:27

I think the op is around, but she has her dc so is at home with them, not going out. Instead of staying home with her and dc, he goes to the house of his bfs new gf and stays the night.
It is odd. Would he ever be home on a weekend night if dc are there?

donquixotedelamancha · 04/10/2018 22:29

It's not Teresa-May-dancing weird, but it's a bit

I've lived 4 decades, visited many countries across 5 continents. I've met royalty, eaten zebra, listened to the Dalai Lama, swum with dolphins and sung karaoke in the style of cookie monster. I have never, ever seen anything as weird as TM dancing.

It's the frequency IMO and the newness of the relationship.

Thank you, I get it now. Still think this thread is a much weirder overreaction than the original (non)issue.

2doubles · 04/10/2018 22:30

He goes to a friend's house, hangs out with her and her boyfriend, has some drinks and stays over. That's it?

Why is this odd? I don't understand

I don't get it either. Sounds perfectly normal to me. I'm sure they would make an excuse if they didn't want him to come over or they would go out themselves.

Spinningteapots · 04/10/2018 22:31

I don't see that it has to be weird or sinister. What's wrong with staying over a freinds house? Does the fact they are a couple change any of this? What if it were a single male freind of a single female freind?

FFSakes · 04/10/2018 22:40

SinglePringle - he doesn’t go to the mates and the gf is there, he goes to the mates new gf’s house and stays there

SinglePringle · 04/10/2018 22:46

@FFSakes that was my ps..

Also, @holidayshopping he didn’t do them before because before he could meet his mate down the pub (for example) but now, mate is at girlfriends. And so here we are if he wants to see his mate.

Original poster
GingerSwan · 04/10/2018 22:46

To answer a few questions...

Before this him and his friend would go out round the local pubs and then get taxis back to their own homes or an occasional house party and crash there.

He’ll stay during the week with/without the DC here with no issue. If the DC aren’t here at the weekend we’d be out/in together. He’s asked to stay at the best friend’s girlfriends house (we’ll call her Mary for ease) with me after drinks, but I wanted us to stay at home (he sulked about missing time with his friend)

OP posts:
Original poster
GingerSwan · 04/10/2018 22:49

Maybe I just struggle to understand a friendship so close, I can accept that

Also struggling to understand how accommodating “Mary” is, but maybe she just is and that’s all there is to it

OP posts:
Blackoutblinds · 04/10/2018 22:50

I wouldn’t have an issue with anyone staying over here any time. My bf is relatively new and if my mate was out with us she would be very welcome to stop here.

KimoraLee · 04/10/2018 23:01

SinglePringle - for the love of God, he doesn't go to his friends house, No! he goes to his friend's girlfriend's house. His friend meets him there and they all spends the night together. Regularly.

SinglePringle · 04/10/2018 23:34

@KimoraLee for the actual love of God, read my post correctly:

PS. All the above still stand if the evening out is at the new girlfriends place

MamaJune · 04/10/2018 23:39

Does he have a past with taking drugs?

Thursdaydreaming · 05/10/2018 00:01

Yes, it's bloody weird but that's how some people are. I would never sleep over at someone's house after going out unless it was a dire emergency. I consider the price of a taxi or hassle of a late bus to be part of the price of the night, and happily pay it.

My ex was a bit like this. Nothing funny going on, he just loved to sleep over. If the night was happening at his house, he would literally beg his friends to stay. It was extremely weird but each to their own.

KimoraLee · 05/10/2018 00:24

@SinglePringle - I have read your post correctly. There's no 'if' about it is there Hmm.

TheStoic · 05/10/2018 02:38

He’s avoiding a weekend in with your kids.