To think it's impossible to have a career AND a child with SEN?

[meanieleanie]

If you think IABU - please tell me how you do it!

Holiday childcare provision is limited for children with additional needs, especially older ones. You're constantly waiting for the next phone call from school about their meltdowns or another incident. Regular meetings with SENCo. Specialist appointments/weekly CAMHs appointments. If you've got a school refuser, you're often late for work, or at risk of being so. Completing homework requires extra time and attention.

I'm feeling completely disillusioned. I'm in a role which, at the risk of making me sound like an arsehole, is way below what I'm capable of doing (and consequently way below what I'm capable of earning). But I don't need to be available outside of hours, no major projects are at risk if I have to dive out of work, no one minds too much if I'm late.

And this is from the perspective of someone whose child has relatively
mild SEN, not anywhere close to warranting an ECHP. I can only imagine how tough it must be for parents of children with more severe SEN.

I think that it is near impossible unless you have a nanny or your spouse is a SAHP (or willing to risk their career altogether to prioritise the childcare duties)

Impossible, my daughter has global development delay and is being assessed for ASD hopefully soon, she's under a paediatrician. She can be incredibly demanding and it just drains me at times. My other daughter is showing signs too, plus I have another 2 kids without SEN. Even a part time job would be impossible for me right now.

YANBU. Not totally impossible but very, very challenging and most do not as it’s just not practical.

Dh works full time, I haven't worked since D's was born 11 years ago! He has autism, sever learning difficulties and attends special school. After school and holiday childcare doesn't exist!

Quite possibly.
My dd doesn't have a diagnosis. But the support groups suggested by the school nurse are all on my working days. I often get to work internally upset after she's had a meltdown, it's even worse when she goes to holiday club.
I wish I could have six months off to help her and sort out our home life, and my sanity, but I can't.

Tell me about it @Notonthestairs - I'm back trying to get work just to pay for speech therapy since the NHS are shite with the type of difficulties DD2 has now between us and school we've worked so hard on her articulation.

It's a two parent job. I'm the higher earner so I work longer hours paid, and DH does school runs. He's got a small business but he's in demand and very stretched, I'm senior enough to be trusted with flexibility. I work 4.5 days/week to allow a bit of time for appointments and school meetings. We are only flatlining, not high flyers, but we are permanently exhausted. I take my hat off to you single parents!

I can only do it by having a SAHD who picks up our son when he has to come home from school, who cares for him when he's sick, and who finds ways of keeping him occupied during school holidays. As a result, I only need to take time off for the scheduled appointments (both educational and medical, my choice for the latter).

Of course, it means we are running on one income and benefits. What's the saying, you cut your cloth according to your means.

I have two with SEN and haven't gone back yet ... however the SENCo at the school has a child with more profound issues than mine and they manage but do have support from family.

I think I can do it, I have an excellent school but prior to that it would have been impossible.

I have a DS with adhd and ODD; I get phone calls from the school around once a week on average and he has just been suspended. With Camhs, school appointments and normal things like orthodontist etc, it is a real challenge. I would say I have a job but not a career. I would be happy to work fewer hours so I could be more accommodating, but there just doesn’t seem to be those possibilities. I’m a single mum so am highly stressed and I think something has to give .

I have 2 with SEN I have worked full time but it is no exaggeration to say it nearly killed me I was suicidal by the time I was made redundant, I cried and cried with relief when they told me, I am sure to this day they thought I was upset about losing my job.
When I was full time they were at primary so had breakfast and after school club but secondary school does not have that and taxis are only allowed to drop off at one address so I can't ask anyone else to look after them unless it was in my home and I have failed to find a single person prepared to do that. I have no family to help and for a long time my husband worked away all week because I could not face moving and starting again on waiting lists and applying for specialist schools.
I stood behind a foster carer the other day who was begging to get his new charge seen because the CAMHs here wouldn't prescribe medication unless he was seen by them, GP agreed to give 5 days supply, no appointment for a least 2 months!
Collecting my children prescriptions takes roughly 10 hours every month because I have to drive 15 miles to the clinic, I then have to wait 3 weeks before the prescriptions may be ready, (you can't ring to see if it's ready because they don't answer the phones m) so I might have to go back, I then take the them to the pharmacy which never has the drug so I have to leave the prescription and go back another day.
Appointments, paperwork, being in for taxis. This is before any actual care
I used to earn a fuck of a lot of money but each year we get poorer and poorer.
And no not even being in school helps because you can't guarantee they will stay in school...
10 months my son was out of school because the school said they could not guarantee his safety 10 months!
I get barely enough sleep and the only reason I have a job for 3 days is because my job is to advise people on employee rights so I know that shit inside out, but even so I struggle.
I admire anyone who works with children with special needs and I admire anyone who doesn't because no one chooses this and there is no choice for anyone whether to work or not.
There is not the childcare, wraparound care, appointments are at the convenience of the person calling you in ... oh yes one sons school only offer 1 day for EHCP reviews which is my working day! And they do it twice a year! So I have to take 2 days leave for this! it winds me up every fucking time! Other son school are fab and do it on my day off.

Single parent, ex fucked off a plane journey away as 'he had to put his happiness first', no family who give a shit.

I couldn't even manage to work at a basic job. I'm having a bad day and feel like my life is over to be honest.

Only if you have serious family support or be able to pay for specialist care

It's certainly difficult. I have twins with a genetic physical condition which varies a lot, one of whom also has MH issues as well. My husband also has the same condition and whilst he works he finds it very hard to do anything outside of working hours. I also have a son with a mild learning difficulty and a daughter.
I didn't manage to go back to work after maternity leave (couldn't get a mainstream nursey to take them and it took a while to get them into a special needs one) and ever since then it's been a constant round of appointments, caring for them at home during a physical crisis or being called into school. I would love nothing better than to go back to work - any work - but nobody in their right mind would employ me as I'm often not available at short notice as well as needing time off for scheduled appointments. I hate it. We are constantly broke (you only get carers allowance for one child despite double the commitment and appointments) and I just feel so isolated.

@Squeegle we are in the same boat. DC has ADHD and ODD. On paper, not severe but it all adds up and all the small things make for a really stressful, hectic and unpredictable life.

I'm not a single mum but my partner is not DC's dad so I can hardly ask him to give up work to be a SAHD! Also all the appointments, phone calls, ensuring DC actually goes to school etc fall onto me.

I'm facing redundancy soon and there are just no local roles in my specialism. A job which is my dream job has come up. It's an hour away and would be completely impossible to manage, despite me knowing I'd be bloody awesome at it (and much better off financially!). Just feeling a bit sorry for myself.

It's really sad that so many are in this boat, and to all of those who have it much worse than I do.

Possible, but only with a sympathetic employer.

It is the lack of investment in special needs provision that is not helping at all. They don’t have the level of school / home workers that is needed- my DS needs a lot of extra help, but if has been such a battle to get any help because superficially there is nothing wrong with him apart from an inability to follow instructions and an unerring ability to do things that get him into trouble the whole time! It is literally driving me insane

The trouble is that there are so many dual or multi diagnoses and it seems to change as you go along. And many families, like mine, have more than one child with SN/LD. Coupled with the fact that divorce rates are even higher for parents of disabled children. It's just so many whammys adding up and bashing you over and over. Then there's the frequent MH issues for SN teenagers and you just lose the will to battle against the tide. Through in a benefits cock up or a provision ending (ageing out of CAMHS for instance) and any hopes of a details driven career are fucked when your brain just hurts.

2 DC with ASD. I'm just about hanging on to my 'career' by working 1 day a week and DH working 4 v long days on the other days plus weekends. No family help at all and no suitable childcare options as rural.

Aspergers mum here - my DH gave up work so I could continue my career, he works nights at weekends so I can work during the week. Its fucking horrible and we are treading water until both DS are closer to adulthood and see how things are

Yes, very hard. I am a SAHM as a result. Get really fed up with women (working mums) who say that’s a “parenting style choice” or alternatively “I couldn’t not work, I’d get so BORED, don’t you miss it?”.

We manage (just about), both full time. But we have a lot of help from family, and understanding bosses. We’re both in high level jobs which gives us a bit more autonomy to manage our time. But I can see a time when one of us will have to give up work. Its utterly utterly relentless. Our relationship has suffered hugely. Unfortunately, that’s what’s had to give for us to get by.

I agree, I’ve had to give up my career (nurse) to look after my 3 year old, luckily DP earns enough to support all 4 of us. I miss working though.

I know several mums who manage it (children w asd, all in mainstream school though). In all cases 1 parent is a teacher/works term time and the other has quite a flexible part time job too. Not all have family support.