To think it's impossible to have a career AND a child with SEN?

[meanieleanie]

If you think IABU - please tell me how you do it!

Holiday childcare provision is limited for children with additional needs, especially older ones. You're constantly waiting for the next phone call from school about their meltdowns or another incident. Regular meetings with SENCo. Specialist appointments/weekly CAMHs appointments. If you've got a school refuser, you're often late for work, or at risk of being so. Completing homework requires extra time and attention.

I'm feeling completely disillusioned. I'm in a role which, at the risk of making me sound like an arsehole, is way below what I'm capable of doing (and consequently way below what I'm capable of earning). But I don't need to be available outside of hours, no major projects are at risk if I have to dive out of work, no one minds too much if I'm late.

And this is from the perspective of someone whose child has relatively
mild SEN, not anywhere close to warranting an ECHP. I can only imagine how tough it must be for parents of children with more severe SEN.

By the end of ds1’s time at home with us (aged 17) - he needed 2:1 at all times. So dh was having to leave work at 2pm to get home to help me (he’s a bit of a commute and Ds1 was First School transport stop at the time). He could only do that because he held quite a senior position in his company. It would have been impossible when he was more junior.

So can be very difficult for either parent to work, let alone one. Now ds1 isn’t at home it’s still proved very difficult. Placement breakdown, constant meetings (have one today that will be a couple of hours prob), shipped off to an ATU the other side of the country.

I have started retraining - but in a career that is very flexible (or can be, depending on where you work), with lots of part time options.

I know someone who does. She has a very high powered career and a child with severe SEN.

They have a full time nanny. I'm still not sure how she does it though.

I believe she worked for Smythson

She was creative director, yes.

I've done it, not really out of choice but I've managed it. I'm a single parent too.

My eldest is ASD, diagnosed aged 7. I had live in au pairs and I think that was the only way it was possible. I also took my foot off the proverbial pedal with regards to my job and took something lower paid and less stressful than I was actually qualified to do.

It has been a real struggle and I think the prolonged, chronic stress led to health issues but as the DC got older it definitely got easier and now I'm really glad I did it.

I couldn't.

I have a friend who does but her husband is the carer.

Not sure it's impossible as for plenty of people there is no choice but I tried my hardest for 3 years and I'm thoroughly grateful that financially we were able to stop the battle. Even with things split between DH & I, the number of appointments and meetings and days when he wouldn't go into school making one of us late was shocking, having had 2 other children (plus a twin sibling of my child with SEN who was also starting school) and worked around them just fine.

What really got us though was the level of support he needed at home once at school and what that was doing to our other children in terms of time with us. Right now I can see the benefits in the very intensive programmes I have worked on with him (SLT, OT, general learning) but I just couldn't have done it whilst working.

I feel very grateful I could do this but the longer it goes on I feel the loss of my career more acutely.

My dd 11 has ASD and learning difficulties, and suitable childcare is limited, dh works he earns a good salary, whilst I am her carer as my wage would not be enough to support us all. I put ds 6 into holiday club from 8:30-6pm sometimes during the holidays(for a break), but know that dd could never cope with it, so can't put them both. It seriously limits what i can do jobwise. We have no family near, his parents and sister are abroad, and my mum is elderly at 83 and lives 50 miles away. No support network really.

I couldn’t. I managed a few months where DS was ok with breakfast and after school club, and we muddled through the holidays. But eventually he was so exhausted by the long days out of the house his behaviour became awful and I kept getting called into school every time he had a meltdown. Plus there were endless appointments such as seeing the educational psychologist which would always be at a stupid time like 11am so I was missing loads of work.

I freelance now so can work from home. It’s flexible but the work is a massive step backwards. Plus no holiday pay or pension and we’ve had to put buying a house on hold. It’s a bit depressing to think about really.

I do, but it is very, very hard and I am permanently exhausted.

I am freelance and have had to reduce my hours / clients a number of times. I am no longer on a 'career-track' and could definitely be accused of coasting but I have now had my own company for 5 years, and it is going well.

We have no family to help, but DH works from home a lot which helps with the practicalities of school runs, appointments, dog walking etc.

In some ways it has got easier as DD has got older - she understands I have to work during holidays and amuses herself plays minecraft . But also her difficulties have escalated which has meant more time out of school, more appointments etc.

We are now in a catch 22 where I don't really have time to work but can't afford to stop because of the various interventions that we pay for for DD (tutor, therapy, horse riding etc.) .

If your child has behavioural demands especially violence then only those with money or support by someone can continue as normal as the world in general becomes very small, never mind holding down a job. Too violent for school transport, too violent at special school (constant meetings) and too violent for holiday clubs and activities. I managed at toddler and primary age but once puberty arrived it is a good day when I have no visable bruises and maybe slept 3 hours.

YANBU. Also “only” dealing with mild SEN but the extra meetings, appointments, constant thinking, admin, emotional drain is exhausting and time-consuming.

I agree it's very hard. I managed to take a promotion last year, and hold down a full-time job but it's only because I do a job which involves shifts (senior nurse on a ward) so I have a certain amount of flexibility to swap shifts etc to accommodate DD1's appointments.

Realistically though there's no point going for promotion to a ward management role (which would be the next 'step up' from where I am now) because it would require doing Monday-Friday 9am-5pm type hours, and I just can't work to those hours.

But yes I suppose my answer is that it is possible, but only really if you have a job which can be quite flexible with working hours.

Impossible here, I have two dc with SEN, who go to schools in the next county so have to do school runs as well as appointments/meltdown avoidance/help/care etc.

There is no childcare that collects from the high school, actually there is no after-school childcare at all suitable for my 11 year old, and no way to get her home even if she could be unsupervised at home (which she can't).

Youngest could go to after school club at Primary but hates it. I did have a part-time, 3 days a week job that I had to leave when we moved dc to a more supportive school. Dh works full-time and we have absolutely no family support at all, it is just the two of us.

One day I would like to work again, although I would find it tricky as I also have currently undiagnosed/untreated ADHD and co-morbid anxiety. I have a degree, used to work full time, and am currently studying part time with the OU.

This works for us at the moment, we don't really have a choice and financially things are tight but it means we have a sahp to (try to) keep all the plates spinning!

Thirty years ago I found it very hard. My employers were not very understanding regarding school/hospital appointments.

Finding appropriate care was difficult, so I ended up taking part-time mentally undemanding evening work, ie, cleaning, retail, bar work.
That way I could hand DC over to DH and go off to work. Wouldn't wish that life on anyone though. Hardly any family life for us.
It's quite disheartening to see that it's still a struggle for many people.

I was able to (a fairly small job) for a while whilst DS was at a special school. It was such a relief to get away from mainstream and deal only with a SN school who got it and dealt with all the OT and SaLT on site. But that school finished at 16 and I can now barely leave the room never mind the house.

I was at a benefits interview / harassment when the advisor (lol) said "well some parents manage it" I restrained myself and said. "cool"

I hear you! I’m on my fourth year of trying to make a go of working fro home businesses - and they bring in so little. My career friends have their pensions and mortgages nearly paid, and I am seriously struggling!

My son is now 6 and only goes to sen provision until 1pm week days and I provide his therapies in the afternoon. He will likely have periods when I will might need to home school, it’s nearly happened already. Basically his development is NUMBER ONE PRIORITY. There are no childminders trained in his sen that I can afford on a regular basis. I’ve had war with holiday clubs not accepting him/providing, every tiny little bit of care needs to be set up so far in advance it’s hardly worth it.

I have a lot of skills, had a high level career previous to this. I’d happily take a step down and do anything, as long as it fits in.

DP and me are not married, my name isn’t even on the house I live in. This is not a great position to be in!

I have a dd with ECHP and yes I find it impossible to work more than a few hours a week. I was late to work today because she refused to co operate and get dressed. I would like to change my job but feel no one else would take me. Sending a hug.

Impossible here too. No local family or friends for added support. Cost of before and after school clubs too great adding in the tiredness that DS experiences and his feeling more secure at home.
At times I feel like I have wasted my own career chances, I am sometimes sneered at by a couple of mums who know absolutely FA about what I deal with day in and out, because they are high flying career folk and I “don’t work”, but I do work. I work bloody hard and emotionally supporting my son when he struggles to make sense of the world around him. Meetings, appointments, exhaustion from lack of sleep where he wakes in the night for hours on end. I work to support our other child whose needs could get overlooked by the sheer amount of attention DS1 needs. We struggle to pay bills and put food on the table, DH works, but the money isn’t great. Life is not easy for us as it is, we could not justify my working in a job other than being a full time carer to my child as the emotional toll on him and us just isn’t an option.

Such a relief actually to see so many of us are in the same boat. I feel like I’ve lost a huge part of myself and really worry about myself financially in the future.

Yet we all seem to feel that we should be able to juggle it all! I’ve been apologizing for years. Explaining to well meaning people why it’s very hard to fit in work when your child is regularly ill/school refusing only going in mornings.

I have no help at all. I’m moving out to be a single parent soon and although I’m still going to try to find work, and carry on the home business, I’m not going to apologize for it anymore!

My friend works as an academic, her son is like mine, severe sen, and she has a terrible time, childminders who can’t cope, paying for his therapies, driving her son to sn school, and her son is non verbal, self harms, doesn’t really sleep. Her husband has already had a scary heart incident and has to reduce his hours through stress. It’s really tough whichever route we take!

At the moment yes if you've got no other family support like us. But depends on school and how helpful they are being or not and how flexible a work place is. I have managed to have a career so far but part-time, and a couple of times I have had to leave jobs because of schools just sending home. It's not legal but just moved to secondary and they are starting this plus requesting that we do all support and they do none - not sure how that works when all issues are in school. Then there's the 10 million meetings in the middle of the day. At the moment not able to work and can't see a way I will be able to with this school so looking at alternatives and getting council involved. Part-time is easier as you can try as much as possible to get meetings in your time off though I don't drive and that's causing issues for secondary.

Bananas it's nice not to be alone in our struggle but very depressing that there are so many parents with fine brains just unable to work or work at the level they would have been capable of. I'll be honest and say I don't know how I would work if I'm ever forced to because I have been so completely consumed by caring that I just don't care anymore.

Bananas I am the same. No pension. No means to pay into one. DH is not British so hasn’t been here long enough to get much pension at all, we will be entirely relying upon what small inheritance we may get. I could cry when I think about what my life plans were and how it has turned out, but I love my children and we have had no choice but for me to stay at home looking after their needs. I’m tired all the time, always anxious. I have applied for jobs with very small hours of committment per week but these are highly sought after and I am not even getting interviews. I long for a lucky break.

I've given up on ever having my career back, it's just not possible. I work Mon-Fri mornings so have afternoons free for ds' appointments - he has autism and epilepsy which is uncontrolled. Dh works full time and is nightshift 3 weeks out of 4 so stays up with ds (9) and DD (12) during the school holidays until I come home.

We are both exhausted, dh has a chronic health condition, we have no family support. Getting absolutely no support from the school, hounding education on an almost daily basis and dealing with the after effects of night time seizures is taking it's toll. I'm going to ask work if I can reduce to 3 mornings a week but I think they will refuse.

@atchiclees @thighofrelief I feel for you, it’s a very strange isolated place to be. Sorry it’s very scary about the lack of pension isn’t it. And probably caring for our kids still. I am dying to use my brain too, ExDP keeps saying you’ve got so many skills (trying to be supportive) why don’t you set up this or that. I’ve started saying yes I could, I choose my career and DS spiraling into himself and banging his head against a wall.

It’s really that clear a choice for me, and many others