Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset about MIL

99 replies

Louloup20 · 04/10/2018 18:40

Sorry for the long message but I feel the need to rant..I have a very one sided relationship with her in that I make a real effort with her (mainly because I love my husband and she is his only living relative that he is really close to) and she couldn't care less about me. It has gotten so bad recently that even my husband has started to get embarrassed about how she is with me.

The latest example is the following - I had a very traumatic labour with my DD (now 4) and even though desperate to breast feed my milk never came. I managed 5 days where she got very little from me and then I had to resort to formula as she lost a lot of weight and the midwife made us go in to hospital. I really struggled with this and felt like I had let my DD down but my DH was amazing, he reassured me and looked after us and I can finally look back and know I did the right thing for her in the end. Anyway I am 30 weeks pregnant and MIL came on Sunday, she ate the food I had cooked and then casually told me that she hoped I would put more effort in to breast feeding this time around. I instantly felt my face go hot and before I could make an excuse tears were running down my face. As I left the room my DH asked my DD to follow me and then I heard him shouting at his mum (he has never done this before).

I feel so stupid as I know she doesn't like me and that she will usually find a way to say something derogatory about me but this really upset me. I really do not know what I do wrong, I am polite, kind and respectful to her. I arrange nice presents for her on special occasion, make sure my DD calls her and I regularly send her photos and updates. My DH thinks it is because he moved further south to be with me (this was 5 years ago) and he does not go round hers as much to to her hoovering and recycling.

DD turns 4 in a couple of weeks and MIL announced that she would not be visiting the whole of October because I had booked DD birthday party with her nursery friends on the day she wanted to come. I pointed out there are 4 weekends in October only to be told that she has plans. She then told my DD as she was leaving that she would not see her on her birthday because 'Mummy messed up the dates'. Again I was mortified.

So here is my AIBU question - would it be unreasonable for me to throw in the towel and tell my husband that after 5 years of bending over backwards and being constantly knocked down that I am done???

I want to tell DH that in future I won't be here when she comes and I will go and visit my DM or other family members. I also want to tell him that when we have the baby the MIL can come to the hospital but that he has to take the baby to her as I do not want to see her. I know some of you will tell me to stick it out but I really do feel that I have taken all I can take. DH has been sticking up for me but I just don't feel it is enough anymore...

Please help MN what should I do??

OP posts:
spacefighter · 04/10/2018 18:44

Wow this woman is a character isn't she. I don't know how you've put up with her passive aggressive comments for so long, I would be taking a step back as have suggested and let your husband see and deal with her. How far away does she live? How often do you see her?

Theweasleytwins · 04/10/2018 18:47

How mean!she doesnt sound nice
Did she know you struggled?

peachgreen · 04/10/2018 18:47

I think you have a couple of choices here. Going NC is an option, but it's more difficult than MN might have you think. Practically it's hard, especially when children are involved. Personally before taking such a drastic step I would try shutting down her comments as soon as she makes them - or, if you don't feel comfortable, getting your DH to do it. So when she said "Mummy messed up the dates" I would have said "That's not accurate MIL, you're welcome any other weekend as I said - if you have other plans that's unfortunate but that date is her party and it's not changing." With the breastfeeding thing - well I would have cried too! But in an ideal world I would have stayed calm and said "MIL you know we had to switch to formula on medical advice. I did try very hard to breastfeed and I was very upset that it didn't work out. You know that, so it's very cruel to make that comment."

If DH is on your side, I think if you continually shut her down then she'll either stop or she'll get so offended she'll go NC herself - either way it's a win!

IdahoCrow · 04/10/2018 18:47

I don't think you'd be unreasonable, no, but think very, very carefully about giving this woman unfettered access to your children without you being present.

She'll be able to tell them any old shite about you, and that won't be good for them to hear and to have to try and process.

You definitely do need to talk it through assertively with your DH. Maybe you should both distance yourselves.

MumW · 04/10/2018 18:48

I think that after 5 years of trying to rub along, you are being very restrained.

I'd be telling my DH that you wanted to go NC. I wouldn't want her seeing my DC either if she is going to make snarky undermining comments about me. I'd also be telling DD that Granny wasn't coming on her birthday as her other friends were more important.

Oobis · 04/10/2018 18:52

She'll not be seeing DD cos she'll be busy around the 31st I would imagine!!! She is harming you, you relationship with husband and taunting your DD. If you're not able to respond positively to her at the time, don't see her. DD needs to know you haven't messed up and Granny makes her own decisions. Don't be undermined, this is your gig and she is a very poor support act.

SandAndSea · 04/10/2018 18:53

Your post brought a tear to my eye too.

She's a bitch and I think you'd do well to limit contact. However, I wouldn't trust her to see my young chn without me there.

Original poster
Louloup20 · 04/10/2018 18:54

@spacefighter - she comes once a month and it is usually on a Sunday that she chooses, we always try and fit in with her because we love DD being able to see her - she comes by train and takes her about 1.5 hours.

@Theweasleytwins - DH explained to her when she visited our home for the first time what was happening and to expect DD to be fed via bottle, he told her I was very vulnerable and having baby blues so he would appreciate her not saying anything and remarkably she didn't!

@peachgreen & @IdahoCrow you are both so right...it has played on my mind how it would work and especially how it would effect my DH...and yes I have worried that her having free access to them without me there I would not be able to monitor what she is saying to my DD. I have tried to shut her down before and my DH has also done it but it does not phase or stop her. I would never expect her to have no contact with DH and DD but maybe him telling her that I can not do it anymore it might make her realise how horrible she is?

Thanks for the messages :)

OP posts:
KM99 · 04/10/2018 18:54

What happened after your DH shouted at her? Was she contrite at all?

It sounds to me that if she persists she will push him over the edge. I think talking to your husband about how you've reached your limit and you need to find a solution. Talk through the options as he's clearly on your side.

FekkoTheLawyer · 04/10/2018 18:56

Her loss really. A lovely 4 year old and baby on the way? Your priorities are - you, kids, husband.

Original poster
Louloup20 · 04/10/2018 18:57

You are all so right, when she left I told DD that I would never stop her seeing her Grandma but that it was the closet day to her birthday and I thought she would like the party on that day, she told me 'Mummy my party is a lovely present and you were being nice'. I think I am too soft and just don't say anything because I do not want to rock the boat or hurt my DH, he is literally the best man I have ever known and I would hate to cause issues with him and his mum...

I literally don't think I could trust her to be around DD without me :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Louloup20 · 04/10/2018 18:59

@KM99 - he said she was shocked that he raised his voice and then in true MIL fashion she turned it around on him saying that he knows what she is like and that to shout at his own mother is not respectful...he told her that he would start being respectful to her when she started being respectful to me and then she asked to be taken to the station. He spoke to her today for the first time since it happened but he is not home yet so I do not know what was said.

OP posts:
Devilishpyjamas · 04/10/2018 19:00

Stop trying to fix things. However nice you are she won’t be back.

My mil seems to hate me (for similar reasons of taking her boy away I think). I tried for so many years. Now I just don’t bother. I try to be polite, but I don’t try to be liked or to make the relationship better.

We’ve got on better since I stopped trying.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/10/2018 19:00

I would tell your husband in no uncertain terms that your MIL is no longer welcome in your home and you will not be spending ANY time with her. Ever. End of discussion. He is welcome to go to hers and bring the children, but your torture is over. You have suffered more than enough.

Elllicam · 04/10/2018 19:00

I don’t think I would trust her alone with your DD either, if she’ll bitch about you to your face it won’t get better behind your back.

AlmaGeddon · 04/10/2018 19:03

Gosh she's pretty vicious!
There was no need for her to say any of those comments. They were deliberately nasty.
I think you are trying too hard to be nice. Which might mean you are less able to tackle her as suggested by peachgreen above.
It's very hard to make a sharp retort when you are upset but if you are ready for her with a rehearsed response each time she is nasty she might be better behaved in the future. But I would also reduce visits.

Original poster
Louloup20 · 04/10/2018 19:04

@Devilishpyjamas my DM told me the same thing, she said that I have a DM who loves her and to let MIL be DH mother and stop trying to get her to like me. I think that I just need to let it go and let her get on with it. Maybe if I stop reacting she might just lose the power and stop doing it...but I don't really believe that as she is just horrible.

Aquamarine1029 I want to do that so badly but with her being a 2 hour drive away in central London it is just too much in 1 day for my DH to travel with my DD and even less doable with a new baby. I respect my DH so much so I would never not let his DM in to the house, but every part of me wants to ha ha

OP posts:
AdoreTheBeach · 04/10/2018 19:05

With previous extremely rude and hurtful people, someone gave me advice in the past

Here’s a few

1- when asked a rude/hurtful question, ask them back “Dudvyoy really just ask me ..... ?
2- when being spoken to very rude/hurtful, state “That’s enough now, treat me as if I am someone you respect.”

I also totally agree with one poster suggesting you call her out (ie, that’s not correct MIL, - rest about the birthday party, or any other situation).

The only good thing in this situation is that your husband sees what is going on and he has confronted her about it.

I’d have a serious sit down talk with him now, tell him how hurt, sad and anxious all these situations caused by your MIL is making you and you’re contemplating the actions you set out before (no contact, leaving the house etc). Perhaps if your husband then has a conversation with MIL, put her in esrnung that this will be the outcome if she doesn’t change.

At the end if the day, she’s cutting off her nose to spite her face as your husband may go NC with her. I did with my own mother due to serious disrespect to my DH. It lasted 4 years. Her behaviour towards him then changed dramatically and she never went back to those shenanigans (others, but not that)

bastardkitty · 04/10/2018 19:05

I think you have been far, far, far too nice in the face of her vile treatment of you. She's not coming for October. Fine. Don't see her. You don't have to make a huge decision right away. Just do nothing for a while and see how it feels. You will end up no contact with her. She will make sure of it.

Original poster
Louloup20 · 04/10/2018 19:06

Just to give you an idea of what I am dealing with - she made a speech at my wedding (without being asked). She sent pictures of my DD to her 'favourite' EX of DH. She brings food she knows I can not eat and she takes every opportunity to tell my DH in front of me that she still doesn't understand what happened between him and said EX.

My DH shoots her down and tells her off but it does not effect her and she just moves on. DH just got home so I am gonna ask what they spoke about.

OP posts:
Original poster
Louloup20 · 04/10/2018 19:08

Thank you everyone for the really great advise, I really appreciate it. Will let you know what the conversation was.

I always try and be aloof when talking about his mum as I don't want him to think that I am too bothered about it...even though he knows I am ha ha.

OP posts:
Strawberry2017 · 04/10/2018 19:11

What an absolute bitch, I had similar issues with my DD and feeding and If someone said that to me I would never see them again.
She is a horrible women, you need to do what's best for you. Big hugs x

Knittedfairies · 04/10/2018 19:14

I agree with Kitty; do nothing for a while, and stop thinking about her - you’ve given her far more consideration and head-space over the last few years than she deserves. Just drop the ball. I wouldn’t consciously go NC; just ignore her. Your husband has your back; he needs to spell out the consequences of her behaviour to her in no uncertain terms.

Whojimawhatsit · 04/10/2018 19:14

If I were you I would ABSOLUTELY do what you state in your OP. Totally justified.

I’m now NC with my MIL as she’s a toxic nasty compulsive liar. But mostly because I will not have her use my DD as a pawn in her games.

My life’s a lot more pleasant now and even DH has gone NC now as he eventually had enough too.

LakieLady · 04/10/2018 19:16

She's a passive-aggressive old witch!

I am in awe of your restraint, I'd have told her to fuck off years ago.

Swipe left for the next trending thread