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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset about MIL

99 replies

Louloup20 · 04/10/2018 18:40

Sorry for the long message but I feel the need to rant..I have a very one sided relationship with her in that I make a real effort with her (mainly because I love my husband and she is his only living relative that he is really close to) and she couldn't care less about me. It has gotten so bad recently that even my husband has started to get embarrassed about how she is with me.

The latest example is the following - I had a very traumatic labour with my DD (now 4) and even though desperate to breast feed my milk never came. I managed 5 days where she got very little from me and then I had to resort to formula as she lost a lot of weight and the midwife made us go in to hospital. I really struggled with this and felt like I had let my DD down but my DH was amazing, he reassured me and looked after us and I can finally look back and know I did the right thing for her in the end. Anyway I am 30 weeks pregnant and MIL came on Sunday, she ate the food I had cooked and then casually told me that she hoped I would put more effort in to breast feeding this time around. I instantly felt my face go hot and before I could make an excuse tears were running down my face. As I left the room my DH asked my DD to follow me and then I heard him shouting at his mum (he has never done this before).

I feel so stupid as I know she doesn't like me and that she will usually find a way to say something derogatory about me but this really upset me. I really do not know what I do wrong, I am polite, kind and respectful to her. I arrange nice presents for her on special occasion, make sure my DD calls her and I regularly send her photos and updates. My DH thinks it is because he moved further south to be with me (this was 5 years ago) and he does not go round hers as much to to her hoovering and recycling.

DD turns 4 in a couple of weeks and MIL announced that she would not be visiting the whole of October because I had booked DD birthday party with her nursery friends on the day she wanted to come. I pointed out there are 4 weekends in October only to be told that she has plans. She then told my DD as she was leaving that she would not see her on her birthday because 'Mummy messed up the dates'. Again I was mortified.

So here is my AIBU question - would it be unreasonable for me to throw in the towel and tell my husband that after 5 years of bending over backwards and being constantly knocked down that I am done???

I want to tell DH that in future I won't be here when she comes and I will go and visit my DM or other family members. I also want to tell him that when we have the baby the MIL can come to the hospital but that he has to take the baby to her as I do not want to see her. I know some of you will tell me to stick it out but I really do feel that I have taken all I can take. DH has been sticking up for me but I just don't feel it is enough anymore...

Please help MN what should I do??

OP posts:

HazelBite · 04/10/2018 19:23

I once said to my MIL," does being so nasty come naturally to you or do you have to try"

Next time I saw her she was fine, and the snarky comments stopped.

carr1e1977 · 04/10/2018 19:27

She sounds vile. My inlaws are very bizarre with selfish, chaotic behaviour. They live abroad so they only visit maybe 2 x a year, but I now make sure the that I am away visiting friends etc so I don't have to see them. There is too much pent up frustration at them that I think if I were to see them now I would EXPLODE!!! Hope you figure out whats best for you x

Nanny0gg · 04/10/2018 19:29

Why do you love DD seeing her?

She's a cow!

Aprilislonggone · 04/10/2018 19:30

Please don't subject your sweet lovely dd to her poison. She really does not need a dgm like her!!
She has had 5 years to prove her worth to you and she has fucked it up.
Dh can visit her, she can see pics of your dd via dh.
And she can be bloody grateful for those imo.
In time (old enough to see for herself) your dd will be devastated she wasted her love +attention on a woman who holds her dm in such contempt.

Original poster

Louloup20 · 04/10/2018 19:30

So apparently when he saw her she said she had been waiting for an apology. He said he started to put his coat back on to leave and she then said sorry for being thoughtless and rude. He asked if she was going to say sorry to me and she said that she did not think that was necessary - he responded that an apology to him was worthless. He then spent 15 minutes laying out all of the things she had blatantly done to upset me and get a reaction out of me and then asked her again if she was going to apologise. He left her thinking about it. He also told her that for someone who had very few people in her life she was doing a good job at driving him away.

I am so proud of him (obviously I didn't smile or get up and do the happy dance in front of him) but I did when I went in to the kitchen. To be honest I don't really want to talk to her but if I get the first apology in 5 years from her it will be worth it ha ha.

OP posts:

Tanith · 04/10/2018 19:30

Oobis She'll not be seeing DD cos she'll be busy around the 31st I would imagine!!!

I agree! Op, I think you've tried enough. Time to disengage. You're not going to mend any bridges with this one, so don't run yourself ragged even trying. Glad to see that your DH is supporting you.

BrisaOtonal · 04/10/2018 19:32

Some lucky people have great MIL's. Others feel like they are cursed.

Yours is a classic MIL issue. You have tried to be really nice and respectful and you are damned if you do and damned if you don't. She is also trying to make you look bad in front of your child. You wonder what you have done wrong and/or how you have offended her. It's classic.

You haven't done anything wrong. You just married her son and she is a toxic bitch. What you need to adopt is "If I am damned if I do and damned if I don't then I WON'T". Don't do anything for her. Don't call, invite, buy her anything or cook for her. Let her precious son do it. If she makes comments say "hmm, yes, does it" like you are listening to someone bang on about different types of cardboard. Show her the when she is nasty, she loses out. Fake it, till you make it. You giving her a reaction is feeding her narcissistic supply. Make sure she gets to know what a fantastic party you all had in her absence.

Original poster

Louloup20 · 04/10/2018 19:35

Just to explain why I love DD seeing her...apart from the fact that between us DD only had 2 grandparents it is mainly because regardless of what she is like to me she absolutely adores my DD. Well as much as she can given that her main priority is herself. I do however see how she is involving DD in more and more little jibes so I have decided to pull her up on that if I EVER have to see her again ha ha.

OP posts:

Heatherjayne1972 · 04/10/2018 19:35

Oh op. Always remember You did your very best for your DD when she was a baby as you will for this one your carrying
Mine were bottle fed - no shame it
After all fed is best

As for your MIL. Some excellent suggestions have been said already
Personally I’d be lowering the contact as far as possible
No explanations needed. I’d just be far too busy for her

woolduvet · 04/10/2018 19:36

If it was me I'd be backing right off, no presents, no cards, no phone calls etc. Basically if dh doesn't facilitate or even think about it it won't happen.
You've a few options if she's shitty to you.
"Did you say.."
"Silly dg, she thinks....
"Are you feeling ok, because that's not right...
See if you can manage her so that it doesn't get to you.
But I'd be telling dh I'd be doing this to make her realise you're not putting up with it.
And if she can't learn, she's not welcome at your house as your not prepared to let your dd see this as acceptable.

Original poster

Louloup20 · 04/10/2018 19:37

@BrisaOtonal I agree...DH has even told me that in future he will prepare the lunch when she comes and that I am to take a step back. He seems very angry about her at the moment so I think that she will soon see what she is doing.

OP posts:

CallMeRachel · 04/10/2018 19:39

Wow what a horrible bitch.

Go give your dh a massive hug, he thoroughly deserves it.

It's fairly obvious her issue is he didn't marry the woman she liked so I really don't think you can ever change her opinion of you.

No matter who he ended up marrying wouldn't ever be enough for her unless it was the golden ex.

Saying toxic things to your dd about it being your fault the birthday got messed up is disgusting and potentially damaging. I'd have to put my foot down with her now and she's never set foot across my doorstep again. She's causing aggro in your wee family and who needs that?!

Please don't give your dh hassle about her though, if you have anything to say about her make sure you say it to her rather than him. He's in a horrible situation but it does sounds as if he's being 100% supportive towards you which he should.

She must be very unhappy inside to be that toxic towards you.

user1471451564 · 04/10/2018 19:40

Your husband sounds like a great DH! Good for him for supporting you and being totally behind you in this. So many men mentioned on here just don't back up their OH in these situations. Sounds to me like he is definately with you on this. I would leave her to stew and take her as she comes when/if she ever apologises. Good luck with your new little one.

cheesefield · 04/10/2018 19:41

OP, you sounds lovely and your DH sounds absolutely amazing.

Don't waste your energy on the nasty bitch. You're giving her far more headspace than she deserves.

I'd bet she's a very sad lonely woman who is very jealous of you.

Blessthekids · 04/10/2018 19:43

OP, I totally sympathise and have hit a wall myself with some of my DH's family who can be incredibly hard work at times whilst very nice at other times. I have done my absolute best yet they never cut me any slack. I have been on some of the worst holidays with my life with them! Luckily my DH knows what they are like and totally understands that I am now not going to make an effort, I will still speak to them, attend the odd event but they will no longer ever be a priority.

Blessthekids · 04/10/2018 19:45

Forgot to say, do what is right for you and your well being. You have done your best to include her and clearly she sees this as a weakness rather than reciprocating. Her loss.

Oobis · 04/10/2018 19:45

Wow, DH is definitely a keeper, sounds like he really respects you too!!!

Bluntness100 · 04/10/2018 19:48

God that's awful, and I'm not so impressed with your husband, it's taken him five years to locate his balls.

KurriKurri · 04/10/2018 19:51

I suspect that it doesn't matter what you do to try and get her to like you, she never will, and that is because she wouldn't like anyone who had married her son and 'stolen' him away from her. (I had a very similar MIL).

When it comes to it you need to decide what she brings to your life and the life of your family. Does she have a good relationship with your DD, is she kind to her? (I would say any nasty comments that run down your DD as she gets older would be a deal breaker for me, I only mention this because my MIL basically ignored my DD because she was 'like Kurri')
It sounds as if your DH would like to continue to have contact with her - which is fair enough, and it sounds as if he is standing up to her when she runs you down.

So I'd say the things you have to consider are your DH's relationship and your DD's (and the new baby when he/she arrives) - if she is nice to grandchildren that may be worth hanging on to.

But if you do decide to keep contact for those reasons, it should be on your terms, don't dance to her tune. Agree with your husband that any rude remarks and she is asked to leave. Zero tolerance of nastiness approach and she will either learnt o behave, or she won;t get to see much of her family. She's a fool - most people would be overjoyed to have a lovely DIL like you and beautiful grandchildren to love.

If it were me, I wouldn't have her at the hospital - it will stress you out. There's no real need for her to come, she can visit once the baby is home and you've had a little while to settle and for your DD to get used to a new little brother or sister.

Don;t expend any energy on getting this woman to like you, ignore her or say 'don't be nasty' if she is unpleasant to you. Your family, you your Dh your children are what matters, it's provilege for her to be allowed to be part of your lives, not a right.
Her remark about breast feeding was just awful, and if she is around at any time when you are feeding, I would go into a different room (however you are feeding your baby)so she can't make stupid comments.

KurriKurri · 04/10/2018 19:51

Oh gosh - huge post - apologies !

RomanyRoots · 04/10/2018 19:55

Why are you allowing her to go to the hospital? stop giving her easy access to your family.
tell dh no way is she welcome and you are the parent.
anyway your dh can't take baby out to her as you'll be too busy putting lots of effort into breast feeding - her advice.

RomanyRoots · 04/10/2018 19:55

sorry, patient as well as parent

ohfourfoxache · 04/10/2018 19:55

I’m so glad dh has got your back, doesn’t happen often on here!

Racecardriver · 04/10/2018 20:00

I have a difficult relationship with my MIL. Basically she's a bit of a bitch (I don't think she does it on purpose, she's just quite mad). We have found that limiting contact works best. The less she sees me the less is the liklihood of her and DH arguing over me (this really upsets him) not to mention the less effort I need to put into being civil.

fernandoanddenise · 04/10/2018 20:06

i went NC with my PIL. I don’t call, I don’t text, I don’t facilitate any contact with the DC as I used to. They can whistle. I would never stop them from contacting the DC or DH of course and they can see each other whenever they chose. I won’t be there and I won’t arrange it. They tell other family that I have barred them from the kids as it suits their narrative. I don’t care. It’s BLISS not to deal with them. I just leave it all to DH as if they are benign elderly neighbours who are not my problem. I recommend this course of action as a last but effective resort!

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