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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset about MIL

99 replies

Louloup20 · 04/10/2018 18:40

Sorry for the long message but I feel the need to rant..I have a very one sided relationship with her in that I make a real effort with her (mainly because I love my husband and she is his only living relative that he is really close to) and she couldn't care less about me. It has gotten so bad recently that even my husband has started to get embarrassed about how she is with me.

The latest example is the following - I had a very traumatic labour with my DD (now 4) and even though desperate to breast feed my milk never came. I managed 5 days where she got very little from me and then I had to resort to formula as she lost a lot of weight and the midwife made us go in to hospital. I really struggled with this and felt like I had let my DD down but my DH was amazing, he reassured me and looked after us and I can finally look back and know I did the right thing for her in the end. Anyway I am 30 weeks pregnant and MIL came on Sunday, she ate the food I had cooked and then casually told me that she hoped I would put more effort in to breast feeding this time around. I instantly felt my face go hot and before I could make an excuse tears were running down my face. As I left the room my DH asked my DD to follow me and then I heard him shouting at his mum (he has never done this before).

I feel so stupid as I know she doesn't like me and that she will usually find a way to say something derogatory about me but this really upset me. I really do not know what I do wrong, I am polite, kind and respectful to her. I arrange nice presents for her on special occasion, make sure my DD calls her and I regularly send her photos and updates. My DH thinks it is because he moved further south to be with me (this was 5 years ago) and he does not go round hers as much to to her hoovering and recycling.

DD turns 4 in a couple of weeks and MIL announced that she would not be visiting the whole of October because I had booked DD birthday party with her nursery friends on the day she wanted to come. I pointed out there are 4 weekends in October only to be told that she has plans. She then told my DD as she was leaving that she would not see her on her birthday because 'Mummy messed up the dates'. Again I was mortified.

So here is my AIBU question - would it be unreasonable for me to throw in the towel and tell my husband that after 5 years of bending over backwards and being constantly knocked down that I am done???

I want to tell DH that in future I won't be here when she comes and I will go and visit my DM or other family members. I also want to tell him that when we have the baby the MIL can come to the hospital but that he has to take the baby to her as I do not want to see her. I know some of you will tell me to stick it out but I really do feel that I have taken all I can take. DH has been sticking up for me but I just don't feel it is enough anymore...

Please help MN what should I do??

OP posts:
Devilishpyjamas · 04/10/2018 20:08

Louloup - I made it sound easy. TBH I had counselling & she really helped me just let it go and understand that it couldn’t be fixed. I think I had an idea of how we ‘should’ get on. Once I let that go things improved. It gets easier as you get older as well ime.

Weathermonger · 04/10/2018 20:12

My MIL refused to attend our wedding and called me 'a heathen'. When her other son married 7 years later, she made a speech at his wedding saying how much she had longed for a DIL and now she finally had one. You can imagine my embarrassment when everyone turned and stared in horror at me. It was particularly hurtful because my own mother died when I was a child, and I had really hoped to have a good relationship with my MIL, but after that debacle I refused to have anything to do with her for a couple of years (my husband fully supported that). I honestly don't remember what the turning point was, but she eventually came around, and now 30 years on we actually have a warm relationship. I sincerely hope for the OP's sake, her MIL realizes how her behaviour is only going to harm her, and she makes amends. Good luck!

ResistanceIsNecessary · 04/10/2018 20:13

Your DH sounds like a good 'un. Let him deal with her.

Justanothernameonthepage · 04/10/2018 20:13

If she does apologise, then do take the chance to start drawing boundaries. Anytime she says anything to upset/belittle you, tell her it's time for her to leave as you want to teach your DD that she doesn't have to respect people who are needlessly mean or bullies. Everytime. Let your DH take over all arrangements/contact.
If she doesn't, then just stop. DH can arrange things. Don't even suggest she comes to the hospital. Don't allow her in your home. She can have a coffee/lunch with your DH near the station.
But your DH is a great guy and handling it perfectly.

EdisonLightBulb · 04/10/2018 20:14

Mate, not read all the replies but just withdraw. She messages you and just reply. As you feel appropriate. Don't engage further, don't get drawn in. I know it's easy for me 25 years married but it wasn't always.

I now spend my time helping DD whose BF's mother is a witch 😂 We accept she's loves her DS unconditionally, that's fine, but expecting DD to earn more, contribute more and do all the housework and cooling is taking the piss. Silly woman is losing her son and can't see it.

Aprilislonggone · 04/10/2018 20:15

She loves your dd because she is very impressionable and she can spout her poison and get away with it.
Imagine when she asks for overnights.....

ZenNudist · 04/10/2018 20:22

I think your plan sounds reasonable but don't make a big deal of it definitely stop sending a pictures I'd also reduce the frequency of their visits

Original poster
Louloup20 · 04/10/2018 20:23

WOW some really great responses, it is great to know that I am not on my own here and that other people are having the same issues.

Also just wanted to say that my DH has always stuck up for me, but I have been the one that has stopped him from being too cross with her in the past. This is to my detriment I know but as his only living close relative I just didn't want him to lose contact with her.

I am going to take advantage of the fact that we won't see her this month and just relax about it. She asked DH to go to a function with her and he has refused based on her behaviour so hopefully knowing there are consequences to her actions will kick her up the butt...

I am so glad I posted, I feel so much better about this xxx

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 04/10/2018 20:28

How about you start seeing her once every 2 months? Then once every 3. Then 3 times a year. And so on. She's a bitch, you wont miss her and you may find your dh/dd miss her less than you think.

SnuggyBuggy · 04/10/2018 20:29

I'm glad your DH is on your side.

Mymomsbetterthanyomom · 04/10/2018 20:32

I know it's hard,but HAVE to stand up to her.
Not only for yourself but for your child/dren.
You know your husband is on your side so let him know you are done with being her doormat.
Do you really want to have to deal with her when your new baby comes??
Stand up Hunny.
You can do it!!

stressedwoman · 04/10/2018 20:37

If nothing else comes from this, your DH sounds fab!

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 04/10/2018 20:41

You need to deflect anything she says and does back to your rather amazing DH! She rings be pleasant hello MIL how are you? I will pass you to DH...no more pics no more nothing from you for a while...If DH doesnt send her pics she doesnt get them...you need to stop everything for a while ..step back.You dont need to deal with her at all ...leave it to your husband..Then when she really wants something she will have to reflect upon her behaviour and awful treatment of you...You are actually in a powerful position here,I bet she will need you way before you need her!!! Pass the buck ..the MIL will not be dealt with by you anymore any communication leave to her son...sod her the miserable old hag!!! her loss ....

martiniescutcheon · 04/10/2018 20:44

Oh so silly Mummy messed up the dates did she? Denigrating you to your daughter's face is not a sign of an adoring grandmother.

Your poor little 4 year old daughter must have a great deal of confusing emotions whirling around in her head hearing that sort of talk about her mother. You are so lucky you have a supportive husband, please for the sake of your own sanity go nc with the spiteful witch.

Olderbyaminute · 04/10/2018 20:51

I think after reading some of these stories those bitchy MILs sleep in coffins!

Fluffyears · 04/10/2018 21:00

I’d just laugh each time ‘oh I love your sarcasm...oh you weren’t making a joke, you were just being a cow!’

lexi727 · 04/10/2018 21:03

My mother in law is absolutely vile. Very similar to this! Eventually everything came to a head with her screaming at me in my own house, threatening to take my DS from me and storming out. At this point we completely cut contact, and it was the best thing that I have ever done. Your DH sounds supportive, which is good. Go down to minimal contact, only see her if you absolutely have to and you will feel SO much better. Good luck OP Thanks

fc301 · 04/10/2018 21:03

OP don't feel embarrassed about crying. It was the absolutely appropriate response to her hurtful treatment. For various reasons I wish I WAS able to display hurt & upset in appropriate situations so I'm impressed that you did! A few thoughts:
Your DH is amazing! You are lucky to have his support.
You need to let go of HOPE that she will realise/care about you.
You need boundaries. Agree these with DH. Reward good behaviour. Withdraw contact if she can't be nice.
If she is narcissistic she WILL dote on your DD UNTIL she can no longer control her. You need to protect her from this dynamic. As PP have said she can do untold damage if allowed unfettered access.
Stop trying to make her like you. Don't ring/text/write/send pics. Let DH do all contact.

Devilishpyjamas · 04/10/2018 21:05

Yes yes to boundaries.

peachgreen · 04/10/2018 21:36

Ah you have a great DH. Keep presenting a united front and shut her down every single time she's rude. Make it clear: "If you're rude to Louloup again Mum I'm going to ask you to leave." And if it doesn't stop you are completely justified in stopping contact.

Nanny0gg · 04/10/2018 23:15

You know, you have a family. Your DH and your children.

Having a wider family is all very nice, but not if they're poisonous.

I haven't much wider family now but I have my DH, our DC, their partners and their children. And my friends.

That'll do.

bowdownbeforelokitty · 05/10/2018 07:29

You need to stop trying to manage your DH's responses to his Mothers rudeness. In a way by you stopping him you have enabled and sustained her behaviours all these years to the detriment of your family.

Stop trying to take away his power to choose to have his wife and daughter treated with respect. If his Mother still insists on playing these snide little games and the result is LC or NC until she proves she can't treat you all with politeness and respect at the very least you need to support him in his choice not hamstring him. How upset he must have been seeing someone he loves treated this way by his own family.

Stop being a martyr and trying to win her approval at all costs, she will never like or live you, but she may come choose to be polite to you which is all you really need from her anyway.

SnuggyBuggy · 05/10/2018 07:31

I wonder if we should call people like this out and tell them to their faces that they are horrible toxic people. We are so conditioned to be polite so no wonder they get away with it.

Original poster
Louloup20 · 05/10/2018 10:06

Thanks everyone - by way of an update I had a call this morning at 8.30am from the MIL. She had assumed my DH was at work but he was on Holiday today so I put her on speaker phone so we could both hear the apology.......that I never got. What she actually said was...

'I am sorry YOU took offence to my comments' which is a very manipulative way of not actually being sorry for what she said at all. It was at that point that my DH piped up and told her that she should not be sorry that I took offence, she should be sorry that she caused offence. Cue shouting on both sides, DH telling he that he is ashamed of her behaviour, MIL telling DH that she can not believe her DS was treating her so badly. Ended in DH telling MIL that he was the man he was today in spite of her not because of her and that if she can not get over herself then he won't be entertaining her vile behaviour anymore. She put the phone down.

I can tell DH is upset about the encounter, but he has said that it needs to stop and he is glad he has finally confronted it.

All of you are right, I have an amazing DH and yes him and my kids are my world :)

You are all great xx

OP posts:
Aprilislonggone · 05/10/2018 10:09

Your dh rocks op!!
Enjoy the peace I say.
I am 4 years nc with mil.
Dh also.
Pure bliss