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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset about MIL

99 replies

Louloup20 · 04/10/2018 18:40

Sorry for the long message but I feel the need to rant..I have a very one sided relationship with her in that I make a real effort with her (mainly because I love my husband and she is his only living relative that he is really close to) and she couldn't care less about me. It has gotten so bad recently that even my husband has started to get embarrassed about how she is with me.

The latest example is the following - I had a very traumatic labour with my DD (now 4) and even though desperate to breast feed my milk never came. I managed 5 days where she got very little from me and then I had to resort to formula as she lost a lot of weight and the midwife made us go in to hospital. I really struggled with this and felt like I had let my DD down but my DH was amazing, he reassured me and looked after us and I can finally look back and know I did the right thing for her in the end. Anyway I am 30 weeks pregnant and MIL came on Sunday, she ate the food I had cooked and then casually told me that she hoped I would put more effort in to breast feeding this time around. I instantly felt my face go hot and before I could make an excuse tears were running down my face. As I left the room my DH asked my DD to follow me and then I heard him shouting at his mum (he has never done this before).

I feel so stupid as I know she doesn't like me and that she will usually find a way to say something derogatory about me but this really upset me. I really do not know what I do wrong, I am polite, kind and respectful to her. I arrange nice presents for her on special occasion, make sure my DD calls her and I regularly send her photos and updates. My DH thinks it is because he moved further south to be with me (this was 5 years ago) and he does not go round hers as much to to her hoovering and recycling.

DD turns 4 in a couple of weeks and MIL announced that she would not be visiting the whole of October because I had booked DD birthday party with her nursery friends on the day she wanted to come. I pointed out there are 4 weekends in October only to be told that she has plans. She then told my DD as she was leaving that she would not see her on her birthday because 'Mummy messed up the dates'. Again I was mortified.

So here is my AIBU question - would it be unreasonable for me to throw in the towel and tell my husband that after 5 years of bending over backwards and being constantly knocked down that I am done???

I want to tell DH that in future I won't be here when she comes and I will go and visit my DM or other family members. I also want to tell him that when we have the baby the MIL can come to the hospital but that he has to take the baby to her as I do not want to see her. I know some of you will tell me to stick it out but I really do feel that I have taken all I can take. DH has been sticking up for me but I just don't feel it is enough anymore...

Please help MN what should I do??

OP posts:

CallMeRachel · 05/10/2018 10:43

Ah well, she's made her bed, let her lie in it.

Her hanging up without giving a sincere apology is on her conscience now.

Leave it. She knows her place now

meercat23 · 05/10/2018 10:56

Ah, the non-apology! A manipulative way to be able to blame you for not accepting or responding well to her non-apology so she could tell your OH that she had apologised and it was you that was being unreasonable. She didn't bargain for the speaker phone and the fact that OH would hear what she said. Very hard for your OH but he really has your back.

Rainbunny · 05/10/2018 11:00

All I have to contribute to this is firstly - your DH sounds wonderful and I hope he copes okay - it can't be easy to stand firm with a loved one who is behaving badly.

Secondly, I guarantee that your DD will be perfectly aware of your MIL's character soon enough if not already, your MIL will not successfully pull the wool over your dd's eyes, kids are much more perceptive than adults (GPs...) realise. My father's DM (my GM) was a total bitch and me and my siblings were well aware of it even as kids, despite my parents never saying a bad word about her. Likewise my DH's GM (his mum's mum) hated his dad (her son in law) and it was a running joke between my DH and his siblings as to what bitchy thing she would do/say next about him.

PILs should really learn that kids love their parents first and are not impressed when their GPs run down either their mum or their dad.

Knittedfairies · 05/10/2018 11:05

Have a gold star Mr Louloop🌟! Nah... that’s not enough; have another🌟. Enjoy the calm of her non-interference.

Motoko · 05/10/2018 11:06

And remember, if you all end up going NC with her, don't blame yourself, it's her actions that have caused it. You DH understands that, he won't be blaming you. He will be upset, but he'll be grieving the dream relationship that he hoped she'd have with you, not the reality. Also note, I said the relationship she has with you, not the one you have with her. There's a difference, and it's all absolutely down to her. You've done your best over the years, tried to have a good relationship, but she didn't want that.

I bet she would have been the same with his "wonderful" ex, had he married her, because she doesn't want another woman taking her place. She's just using her as a stick to beat you with.

Observatorycrest · 05/10/2018 11:06

Finally a DH on MN who supports his wife when his mother is being a cow! You have a keeper there!

BrisaOtonal · 05/10/2018 11:16

her issue is he didn't marry the woman she liked

Actually I don't think it is that. The other woman was either malleable for MIL to manipulate and control or she is just saying this to upset the OP. If someone banged on about my DH's ex it would make me question why he was with me and not his ex. It is classic throw s shit bomb in the middle then sit back and watch.

The best thing to do is try and treat her with indifference. She will either wind her neck when she realises she is out of favour or you will wake up one morning and realise you care as much for her as much as you do for Vera who lives in the next street who you once said hello to. Win-win. It is the only way to stop it affecting you and your marriage. I speak from experience.

Original poster

Louloup20 · 05/10/2018 11:19

Showed DH this thread, he is now asking when he gets his gold badge and husband of the year award ha ha....he thanks you all for the compliments and for supporting me.

Don't get me wrong, he totally annoys me sometimes and I held off for a long time allowing him to respond to her because I never wanted to be the wife that gets in the way of her DH and MIL....I also heard so many stories of partners not sticking up for their wives in these situations. But he came through for me and I feel so much better about the situation.

DH has made the decision that until she can respect me she is not to see DD as he will not allow our little girl to be influence by her behaviour. :)

OP posts:

ineedwine99 · 05/10/2018 11:32

Your H is a DIAMOND!

Tortoisecharlie · 05/10/2018 11:35

I have awful ILs, and they have gone NC with me. I have no wish to see them anymore, however it’s very difficult as they can be much more mean and grabby with the kids when we are out of the picture. I’d not encourage your DH to see her with your kids by himself at all - especially if it’s very passive aggressive. I don’t wish to equate your situation to mine, but my DH went from agreeing ILs were bullies and sticking up for me, to blaming it on me and taking our kids regularly out to see them without me.

Missingstreetlife · 05/10/2018 11:36

Sounds like you should just let your dh deal with her, he's got your back.
Just ignore her and enjoy your family

MiggledyHiggins · 05/10/2018 11:40

Follow his lead on this. He's got her number.

He must have been upset and offended when his mother said nasty things about the woman he loves and frustrated when you wouldn't have let him tackle her on them. By making him back down in the past, it was preventing him from addressing the issues that hurt his feelings too.

She will, if you let her have full access to your DD, pour poison in her little ear about you too, since she can no longer do it directly or subtly in front of your DH. You don't want your DD caught in the middle, trust me. I've seen kids in the extended family have a GM like this and she's landed them in therapy with her toxicity towards their DM.

Observatorycrest · 05/10/2018 11:43

tortoisecharlie your OH sounds like mine. He regularly goes NC with his parents due to some stupid argument that builds up due to never resolving the reason they previously went NC. When they all become friends again, they re write history, no memory of the fall out and it was my fault anyway. My OH told me once that he thought his parents had stopped talking to him because they didn’t think I was good enough..... ehh nope your parents stopped talking to you because you chucked them out the house!

ContessasGulagSpaDay · 05/10/2018 11:46

I love your DH. Just saying

DartmoorDoughnut · 05/10/2018 11:48

What an awesome family unit you have

Bye bye MIL

MothertotheLordsofmisrule · 05/10/2018 11:50

And now I have 2 new heroes.

OPs Dh👍

And Oobis for their 31st Oct comment.

notapizzaeater · 05/10/2018 11:54

BRilliant your dh standing up for you, she obv thought that she could tell him she had apologised to you. Silly woman !

Piffle11 · 05/10/2018 11:57

YANBU and have clearly tried hard. She seems to be trying to upset you, so the best way to thwart her is stop trying and let her pickle in her own vitriol. She is also upsetting your child and trying to manipulate her - this will only escalate as the child gets older. I would go out of my way to make sure I never had to see her again. There is no point in trying with this woman - any kindness on your part will be seen as weakness: she gets all the gain and none of the pain. Don't give her the satisfaction. Keep her away from you when your baby is born - you don't need the anguish. Good luck x

ohtheholidays · 05/10/2018 12:27

Whoohoo Louloup's DH it's so nice to go onto one of these threads and see that there's a decent DH with a backbone supporting they're wife.

You sound really lovely Louloup and very patient and your MIL has acted like a cruel fool.Fancy treating a DIL that wants to have a loving relationship with her Mil like trash,I will never understand women like that,she's missing out on a great realationship with a lovely DIL and she's missing out on time with her DS and DGD,more fool her!

Tortoisecharlie · 05/10/2018 12:43

Hooray for your DH.

Show him this thread again! I’m leaving my DH and going back to my home town ASAP. If my DH had my back like yours this would not be happening!

(Can he have a word with my now Exh about being a decent man... )

Rudgie47 · 05/10/2018 12:51

What a bitch, there was no need for that breastfeeding comment it was really cruel. I'd go NC and say she wasn't to come to my house anymore.
To be that spiteful, I think she's got some major issues herself. I'd keep her away from my children as well. What your husband does regarding visiting her is up to him.
At least hes supportive, my friend had this with her MIL and her husband just sat there, and did nothing.

MauraIsles · 05/10/2018 13:31

Wow, your DH is awesome OP, most of the MIL threads I’ve read the DH is always passive about their DM’s behaviour, and will not say anything, not yours - he’s a bloody diamond. I would honestly let him take the lead in dealing with this awful behaviour towards you, some of the things you’ve mentioned are disgraceful, but he’s obviously got her number now and I can see him making sure she behaves herself from now on if she apologises!

PillowOfSociety · 05/10/2018 13:38

Really refreshing to see a DH who is clear headed and prepared to stand up for what is right in these MIL situations.

It must be very distressing for him, I would be upset to have to have such a set-to with any member of my family. But he knows he is actually strengthening his marriage, not undermining it as so many do.

Strength to you both, and I hope MIL sees the error of her ways soon.

tillytrotter1 · 06/10/2018 17:06

These responses should work.

'I'll try harder with breast-feeding when you try harder to be a human being'.

;No dear, Grandma's fibbing about your birthday'.

For heaven's sake why do people have to be so reasonable in the face of rudeness? When my mother tried to proffer her opinion I told her that there were only two opinions that mattered and her's wasn't one of them! Never did it again

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