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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

For not wanting my boyfriend to cut the grass of his ex?

124 replies

Saraeast · 04/10/2018 16:00

Before I got with my boyfriend, he was married and cheated in his wife with a neighbour. He told me about it and that it started as friendship and got sexual, he told me that at one point he and her (the neighbour) were going to "make a go of it"
I have been with him for 8 months now and things seem different - he is quick to tell me to fuck off, shut up, and generally disrespectful of me. When I call him out on it his answer is to twist things around and blame me for not trusting him or being insecure. I am insecure in our relationship because I caught him out lying to me a month or so ago about where he was going - he disappeared for 6 hours and said he was going to play football with his mates. He left at 5 30 and at 2130 I was trying to call him and he wasn't answering. Then he came back at 1130pm saying he had been swimming as he needed to think. I was suspicious but trusted him. A few weeks later I find out he is messaging a woman and when I asked who it was he said "one of my customers" but had deleted all the history. He got angry with me for not trusting him. I then saw a list of women's names written in a note pad to which I was the last name on it- so I asked him what the list was - is it a list of all the people he has slept with? The "customer" he said he was texting was in this list. He then admitted to me that the night he went "swimming" he had gone to her house but nothing happened. Obviously the trust was now gone as I had exposed his lies.

In recent weeks things have been strained because he seems quick to get rid of me and doesn't seem to ever go near me - sex is one sided (on my part - he gets pleasures and then rolls over). He says it is down to stress and he doesn't know why.
I have now just got really upset because I found out he is currently at another ex's house (the one he was going to leave his wife for) and doing a lawn cut because he needs the money. I got upset and questioned his motives and his answer was to tell me to fuck off, followed by there is no trust in our relationship so just leave.
I am devastated. I love him. Am I the problem? I don't think I am but he is adamant I am being unreasonable and need to trust him.

OP posts:

SleepingStandingUp · 04/10/2018 16:20

OP just cut your loses and dump him.
He can't be trusted and his behaviour is telling you this. He isn't nice to you. You aren't happy. Move on

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 04/10/2018 16:20

Seriously OP how can you type all that and not see the bloody obvious?

Leave. You should still be in honeymoon phase.

He is a serial cheat. Grass cutting is the least of your worries.

I'd get checked at the clinic if I were you.

Please leave him. You ARE worth so much more and deserve so much better x

AtrociousCircumstance · 04/10/2018 16:21

Stay with him if you like being miserable and want to waste your one precious life feeling like shit.

Otherwise, leave him right now. Do not delay.

Piffle11 · 04/10/2018 16:21

Considering everything that he is doing and saying - and you're still with him - I'm not sure anything anyone on here can say will snap you out of it. He's horrible to you, he's clearly cheating on you, and you're still trying to make it work? You're sending him a clear message that being emotionally abusive towards you is not a deal breaker. This is the best your relationship is ever going to be: it's downhill from here, as he knows you will put up with anything.

SwarmOfCats · 04/10/2018 16:23

You deserve better than this. Nobody should be treated like this.

Leave. It might feel hard at first but you’ll be glad you did it before long.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 04/10/2018 16:23

Am I the problem?

Nope. He's a lousy, cheating bastard who swears at you and is crap in bed.

Why are you putting up with this? You deserve so much better.

Please have some self respect and walk away.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 04/10/2018 16:24

He lies, he's aggressive such as swearing at you, he sneaks out to see other women,he has history of cheating, he has even told you to leave. He has somehow managed to convince you that it's your fault. It's not. He's an adult responsible for his own behaviour. The lies and cheating would make most people distrust him. I can't see anythinggood in this relationship. Please leave now. You will feel much better once you've taken control and left him

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/10/2018 16:28

He tells you to fuck off, lies and is shit in bed.

You'd have to be a pretty foul person to think you are worse than him. Do you spit on people, kick puppies or steal from old ladies? Otherwise you are vastly too good for him.

HeartburnCentral · 04/10/2018 16:30

*he is quick to tell me to fuck off, shut up, and generally disrespectful of me
Forget about the Ex. Read *this bit back to yourself. You should dump him for *this behaviour. Don't stay with someone who treats you like this.

cheesefield · 04/10/2018 16:30

And you are with him because....

butterfly56 · 04/10/2018 16:31

Loving him is never enough of a reason to stay with an abusive man.

If you stay he will destroy your self esteem to the point that you will believe that you are worthless.

He treats you like shit because you allow it.
If you have any emotional strength left at all use it to get away from him.
It's not even a relationship by any definition.

You have the chance to learn from this abuse going forward and that is....IT IS NEVER ACCEPTABLE to allow anyone to treat you with such disrespect EVER.

Lynne1Cat · 04/10/2018 16:31

If he's like that after only 8 months, your relationship is doomed. He swears at you, is disrespectful, you can't trust him, he's cheated in the past, and you're asking on here?! Get rid. Find a decent bloke - this isn't one.

DonDrapersOldFashioned · 04/10/2018 16:33

a list of women he’s slept with

What adult person does that? Odd

Feellikeimthemaid · 04/10/2018 16:34

This man has some sort of hold over you but he has proved with his words and actions that he does not love you. That is not a reflection of you, and you are not unworthy. He sounds like one of those blokes that is only interested in his own needs and wants. Parting from him may hurt for a little while, but life will get better. Do you have some friends that you go out with to have some fun and cheer you up?
Build up your self esteem and tell yourself you're worth more. There are much better blokes out there and you will find one who is more deserving of your love. Please do not waste any more time or emotion on this loser.

RomanyRoots · 04/10/2018 16:36

What did you expect?
He's never hidden who he is, a low life cheat and abuser.
I'm so sorry you are unable to see this, but please believe everyone who says YOU ARE WORTH BETTER.

tillytop · 04/10/2018 16:36

Why are you with him? What on earth are you doing?!! Ask yourself why you're in love with someone who is hurting you and get out of this relationship fast ASAP!

Billben · 04/10/2018 16:37

. I am terrified that I just am not good enough for him.

It’s the other way around. He is not good enough for any woman and I guarantee you that No woman with a bit of self esteem would touch him with a barge pole.

81Byerley · 04/10/2018 16:39

What colour is the doormat sign you have written across your forehead? And what exactly is there to love about this miserable worm?

SilverLining10 · 04/10/2018 16:39

I really despair when I read posts like these.

longwayoff · 04/10/2018 16:41

"Am I the problem?" Yes. You are. For putting up with this rubbish. You have to end this pitiful excuse for a relationship.

LydiaLunch9 · 04/10/2018 16:42

I'm copy and pasting my standard post for mumsnetters who are in relationships with arseholes and think that their OH is a mostly great guy and that all relationships are like this, etc.:

THIS IS NOT WHAT ALL RELATIONSHIPS ARE LIKE. MANY MEN ARE NOT LIKE THIS. YOUR OH IS A DICK. YOU DESERVE BETTER AND YOU CAN DO BETTER.

Mollie85 · 04/10/2018 16:42

"I love him"

What do you love about him?

Not being snarky, but tell us what you love and will miss should you leave him x

Collaborate · 04/10/2018 16:42

He's right, in that you are the problem. The problem is that you have no self respect. You should have kicked him in to touch long ago.

LydiaLunch9 · 04/10/2018 16:43

If my OH ever told me to fuck off, I would tell him that if he ever tells me to fuck off again, the relationship is over.

And if he ever did it again, the relationship would be over.

That's called having self-respect.

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 04/10/2018 16:43

he is quick to tell me to fuck off, shut up, and generally disrespectful of me. When I call him out on it his answer is to twist things around and blame me for not trusting him or being insecure. I am insecure in our relationship because I caught him out lying to me a month or so ago about where he was going...

...and obviously, there's more but this alone ^^, what are you thinking?

Just leave him. He's a utter shit. Stop wasting your life. You've been with him for 8 months. Just walk away. Seriously, I know it's easy for strangers on the internet to say, but you have no kids with him, you're free.

Just walk away and have a break from men until your self-esteem is restored.

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