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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To let my daughter have a day off school?

84 replies

purple8pig · 04/10/2018 14:52

Dd 10 is I think feeling hormonal recently, she has 3 siblings (one is 2 and very demanding, another is 8 and in the process of being assessed for autism and also takes a lot of attention)

The last few weeks she's been having small problems with different people at school, she's tired, she's just emotional. Says the usual things, "you only care about my brother /sister" she doesn't like school and wants to move etc

There's nothing major and she does have friends and is going to a party this weekend that she's looking forward to, I just feel like she needs something, a gesture maybe. Something to make her feel warm and special.

I thought about giving her a mental health day so to speak. But I'm not sure if that's really irresponsible? I think a long weekend would do her good especially without her sister, and she's very rarely off school poorly.

Aibu?

OP posts:
Funkyslippers · 04/10/2018 14:54

Personally I wouldn't. Can't you spend some time just with her on a weekend, or get her to choose where you go as a family? You can do little gestures without her missing a day of school

taratill · 04/10/2018 14:57

My only reservation would be that if she is already expressing a desire not to be at school it could encourage her to say 'well you let me have that other day off'.

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 04/10/2018 15:00

I'm torn on this; I teach reception so should probably say "no, don't give her time off unless it's essential" but I believe that children's mental health support and consideration is vital, and as parents we need to do everything in our power to help them learn to handle the difficulties life throws.

Now, part of that is teaching resilience, strength and a get-on-with-it attitude because sometimes they just push for a cheeky day off. But another part is self-care and self-preservation. If you truly believe she needs a day not herself to regroup and feel better, let her take it.

Don't lie to school specifically and say she's ill or has a bug (because you wouldn't believe the amount of children who skip into school and gleefully shout "I went to Devon on Friday instead of coming to school!"). Simply say she's having a day off because she's not feeling great, because she needs a bit of rest or just because she needs a day off. School won't be thrilled but pleasing them is nowhere near as important as your DD's mental health.

Aprilislonggone · 04/10/2018 15:00

Allowing time off school at your choosing is giving her mixed messages.
School days are for school. Let her watch a film later just the 2 of you instead.

Original poster
purple8pig · 04/10/2018 15:02

I really struggle to have any time alone with her, or we do but it's not a lot. She could pick something to do as a family but I think she's feeling the burden of 3 younger siblings.

That's a good point though, she might try it on in future. I just feel like she could have a full day off just mine and her dad's attention just chilling out and focusing on her

OP posts:
QuestionableMouse · 04/10/2018 15:03

She's ten. One day off isn't going to hurt her and it sounds like she needs some comfort. I'd make it a Monday or Friday so she has a long weekend too.

Original poster
purple8pig · 04/10/2018 15:05

We can't watch a film just the two of us, my son is so hard work and doesn't sleep unless I'm with him (we're working on that) so it's it difficult to get a good chunk of time together. She hasn't said can I stay off, she's just said things like I wish I was at a different school. They know I'm not soft usually and unless they are vomiting, have a fever or a contagious illness, they're going in to school

Hmm looking like iabu I will have to think of something

OP posts:
Rebecca36 · 04/10/2018 15:08

It's a good idea for her to have a day off school and for you to make it a really nice day for her. She'll be refreshed and better for it. Just make sure it isn't going to be regular occurrence.

Aprilislonggone · 04/10/2018 15:09

Ime letting dc think school is optional is asking for trouble later on. Can their df have ds and you take dd for a hot chocolate somewhere? My dd's love a posh coffee shop for one!! Ds's fav is McDonald's which is their treat time out-
Envynot envy.

Nicknamesalltaken · 04/10/2018 15:10

I do this on occasion.

My DCs rarely have sick days, and never ‘swing the lead’ because of it. Overall, attendance is in the high 90’s. This gives me some scope.

Once in a while they will get a duvet day. We might eat pizza in front of a film or something. It’s a planned day. No xbox or YouTube. No solitary activities. It’s a day off school for a good reason reason and something I don’t do lightly or willy-nilly.

It’s hard to get 1:1 time as a single parent to 4DCs. I don’t apologise for giving it to them.

Nicknamesalltaken · 04/10/2018 15:12

Also to add, i’ve always done it. The oldest is in sixth form. Always had excellent attendance and never tried it on. Never got a 100% attendance award either mind you 😐

BumbleeBeeMe · 04/10/2018 15:14

I absolutely would.
My mum used to do this for my sister, if she asked for a day off. I wished she had done it with me because it seemed really lovely. One day of school is nothing and she clearly needs you, she's reaching out !

Original poster
purple8pig · 04/10/2018 15:17

Good to see both opinions, thank you. I will see how she is tonight and if I feel she needs it I will do. She's a good girl but feels overlooked sometimes, sometimes it's hard being the oldest when you're still little really isn't it x

OP posts:
SD1978 · 04/10/2018 15:22

I see no issue with it. Resilience is all well and good. But also recognising when you're drowning is always helpful- more so. A stiff upper lip is not conducive to good mental health. We should be able to identify we are overwhelmed, and be allowed to be- as adults and children. I would do it, and I'd have no guilt or issue with it. Can you have the two year old go somewhere else so it's juts the two of you?

Nicknamesalltaken · 04/10/2018 15:31

She won’t remember that day she went to school and did maths then English then PE. She’ll remember that day her mum made let her stay off and made feel like the most important person.

That’s also why you can’t do it too often, but when you do, make it count. Smile

HurricaneFloss · 04/10/2018 15:38

Do it, OP - it'll be good for both of you.

ANNIEanonimouse · 04/10/2018 15:40

Can’t your DH look after the others while you and her go out at the weekend? Make it a semi regular thing?

I have no issue with you taking her out of school to do it, other than it setting her up to be disappointed you can’t do it all the time. It seems sort of a taster of something she can’t have...

LenGoodmansPickledWalnuts · 04/10/2018 15:45

My mum did this for me and it was so helpful. I'm from a larger family too and getting 1-1 time was impossible most of the time, especially being the "easy" child. One day off school once in awhile does absolutely no harm. I had a couple years of illness and missed plenty of school and still did very well academically.

flopsyrabbit1 · 04/10/2018 15:45

nope i dont think its a good idea

plenty of children grow up in a busy home with lots of things going on

could you maybe spend some time in the evening after the others have gone to bed

all children have bad times with others at school and staying of will not help,how will she manage at seniors now that really will be a big change

do you have a DP? as if so maybe he could deal with the other two while you spend time with your DD

janetheimpaler · 04/10/2018 15:48

A mummy and me day is great, makes them feel special. I don't see how it can do anything but good.

recklessgran · 04/10/2018 15:50

I had 5 DDs the eldest of whom had special needs and attended a special school. I regularly gave the other 4 what I called "a naughty day". One at a time and approximately once a term each. This was done on my say so and not by their own choice fitting in with my work etc.We would spend the day doing whatever was important or special to them. Baking, lunch out, shopping for clothes, craft projects, me reading them a pile of books cuddled up on the sofa with something extra special to eat or drink or whatever I felt was needed at the time, even if it was just an uninterrupted chat. They are all happy and successful adults now but often mention the naughty days and how lovely and special they felt. My advice OP is do it. I'm sure under the circumstances your DD will get more out of it than she ever will from a day at school. That, by the way was what my DD's primary Head said to me when I owned up to what I was doing!

NKFell · 04/10/2018 15:54

I personally think it's up to you! helpful

What I mean is, I do think it's a good idea but as a PP has already said, the fact she already has a desire not to be in school would worry me. But, if you know that after the special day she'll go back to going to school normally, then do it.

fuzzywuzzy · 04/10/2018 15:55

I used to do this when mine were at primary school, & seemed exceptionally tired or run down, & just needed a day off.

I actually tihnk it helped them, they felt I listened to them and cared and it helped them regroup and get back into school stuff. It was fine.

They’re both doing really well at school and haven’t turned against school or anything.

Sometimes it’s needed.

Spicylentil · 04/10/2018 15:57

I think it would be a lovely thing to do and why not? She’s only 10 not like she’s at High school with exams coming up. She’s still young and with the sounds of it would really benefit from a mum and daughter day. I kept my youngest off school earlier this week she just seemed complete done and emotional only 5 and struggling with primary.

Nicknamesalltaken · 04/10/2018 15:59

I gave myself a duvet day last week. Did me the power of good.