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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

50/50 custody who gets benefits?

120 replies

Unicornsandrainbows12 · 04/10/2018 13:12

I broke up with my husband in January and the biggest mistake I made was not to take my son when I moved out. I thought I was doing the right thing as I didn’t want disrupt his routine until I was set up in a new house and I was still seeing him every day. Since then I have had to battle to get access to him and ended up going through the court and we now have time with him 50/50. I also thought that in the beginning that I was doing the right thing by transferring the child benefit to him as he didn’t have a job at the time and would have struggled to look after my son. Now since things have been agreed with custody I am now really struggling for money as I’m not recieving any kind of benefit for my son and he is sitting pretty claiming it all. I know I can make a claim for it too and then they will make the decision on which parent is to get it but what can I do to help sway it to me?

OP posts:

Jlynhope · 04/10/2018 23:46

Why aren't you working full time? If you need more money you need to work more... You left your son with his father and didn't pay support. I don't see why you would get the check?

blueskiespls · 05/10/2018 07:27

Could you maybe 'up' your hours? I do 24 a week and have my dc more than 50% of the time (ours is sort of 40/60 ish) and for that I don't have to do weekends or need childcare I just basically work when kids are in school. If I needed more money there would be scope for a weekend day job ..
fwiw I have the cb, we both pay for stuff at our houses. He pays a tiny bit of cm and I pay for school trips, clubs etc

I think you need to be more reliant on yourself, rather than hoping the CtC and CB will one day be yours..

FunSponges · 05/10/2018 08:08

"This thread is really interesting.
The responses for a man would be entirely different!
She left! She left her son with his father.
Imagine a father coming on here saying he moved out and now wants to claim the child benefit as they have shared care!"

Definitely! OP doesn't get to abandon her child then decide she wants the benefits. Father is probably the RP, and rightly so given the child was left behind. I have a family member who decided to let her chil live with the dad. Now she's moaning she doesn't see her and can't have overnights. I have zero sympathy and the child in that case is much better off with the dad.

LakieLady · 05/10/2018 08:28

Imo, this is yet another area where the benefit system hasn't caught up with how people live, and it needs changing. It should be perfectly possible for half the CTC/CB/UC child element to be split between 2 claimants.

Of course, they won't do that because it would then follow that both parents would be entitled to help with housing costs for a property big enough to house the children.

Maybe judges should be given guidance that they need to specify which parent is the primary carer, even in 50/50 cases.

It seems manifestly unfair that a child should spend half their life with a skint parent who can only afford a one-bed flat or, if they're under 35, a house share.

Chocolate50 · 05/10/2018 08:44

Omg OP is looking for a bit of advice. Why is this somehow a reason to jump about making judgements because she left? How do we know that she even had choice in this. I mean really had choice.
And circumstances change- if she is looking after her DS half of the time surely the ex should be providing for their DS 50/50 as well? If he isn't why isn't he?

AamdC · 05/10/2018 08:49

Indedd @SuperMonster if it was a man complsining he now wanted half the benefits you could guarantee a few posters would say he should still pay mainenance as well as no benefits despiye 50/50 care , doy
double standards as usual on here

SillySallySingsSongs · 05/10/2018 08:49

And circumstances change- if she is looking after her DS half of the time surely the ex should be providing for their DS 50/50 as well? If he isn't why isn't he?

He does pay for stiff at his house. Maybe RTFT

Basecamp65 · 05/10/2018 08:54

I know plenty of men in this position who are also expected to pay maintenance.

I'm sorry OP but the system is out of touch with modern life and I doubt there is anything you can do.

bubba20 · 05/10/2018 08:59

I’ve been in this position and it’s not pretty.
Unfortunately there is nothing you can do.
My ex didn’t even pay for the things the children needed so it was left to me to buy them the essentials they needed like underwear and lunch money etc. I was on the bones of my back side and some nights went without food myself. But that’s just what I had to do for the next 5 years.
As the kids got older they saw him for what he really was, he regularly left them and went off on exotic holidays to Cuba and Mexico etc whilst there was me, working all hours god sends and struggling to get by.
You know what though, I made it!
It’s only money. Nothing can compare to actually being there. They’re older now, they all left him eventually because they got sick of his games and never being there, it’s me they turn to now.
Let him have the benefits. Trust me, it’s easier for your sanity in the long run.

XscoutX · 05/10/2018 09:17

Only way it could work is if you split the money, guess that’s how it should be.
If you had the claim then he would be in the boat you are, having your DS half the time and not receiving benefits so kinda seems six and half a dozen.
Unfortunately since you left your sons residence I think it will be seen that’s his permanent address. Ignore the people who said you abandoned him. If you had taken him and had no where to go and his dad was perfectly capable of looking after him in his home they would all be calling you wrong then too.
Could maybe also ask him for some clothes or shopping for DS if he won’t split the actual cash and you can’t find a job to fit in with the current care system you have going.

Chocolate50 · 05/10/2018 09:53

I think OP is saying that her ex is claiming benefits that she could claim but for the fact that the ex is now, ie. working tax credit /child tax credit & child benefit, I think that these benefits decisions must be in touch with splitting benefits now surely since so many parents have shared care arrangements.
I believe that OP is saying that she is now struggling to support her son despite working 24 hours a week due to the fact that she can't claim, I would definitely pursue it OP

SuperMonster · 05/10/2018 10:14

@Chocolate50
Yes but that is because she left her son behind- didn't pay maintenance and now they have shared care wants to claim benefits the father is as he has by the sounds of things been financially supporting the child since she walked out.

Typical MN double standards. As other pp's have said- if Op was a man people would be expecting them to also be paying maintenance and would be no doubt ripped to shreds for leaving said child in the first place and not paying anything!

Doyoumind · 05/10/2018 12:19

This thread is proof of the fact that people really need to do their research before making big decisions. OP didn't know the full implications leaving her son behind would have. She didn't know going into court how important it was to clarify residency and the impact that residency has. Even a bit of research on MN would have quickly raised these issues. I'm sure OP's ex was quite clear what the implications were.

CaptainM · 07/10/2018 09:49

I have shared residency with my ex - with dcs slightly more with me. He made a rival claim for CB and now gets paid too. However, we have 2 dcs so he gets paid for one and I get paid for the other.

My view is that rather than fight for and go through the associated stress, it's better for me to focus on getting myself and career to a place where I would not need any benefits. The shared parenting therefore helps as gives more time to focus on growing self.

Just another perspective....

Hang in there...x

shakeyourcaboose · 07/10/2018 09:55

Maybe I've missed it, but are DC and ex now in a new property and no longer in original family house?

steff13 · 07/10/2018 20:00

There how I read it; I think the OP said the family home was sold.

Marriedwithchildren5 · 07/10/2018 20:46

You chose not to disrupt your 2 year olds life and left them with a manipulative person?? No. You left for yourself. Your poor child now splits his home life between 2 parents/homes and you want advice on how much money you are owed? Make a complaint if you think he is abusing the system. But this shouldn't be your first concern.

H20beth · 18/07/2022 11:09

I feel for you so much xx I’m in similar situation.

H20beth · 18/07/2022 11:09

I really feel for you x I’m in similar situation.

JanglyBeads · 18/07/2022 11:13

Zombie thread, maybe start a new one for advice?

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