Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

50/50 custody who gets benefits?

120 replies

Unicornsandrainbows12 · 04/10/2018 13:12

I broke up with my husband in January and the biggest mistake I made was not to take my son when I moved out. I thought I was doing the right thing as I didn’t want disrupt his routine until I was set up in a new house and I was still seeing him every day. Since then I have had to battle to get access to him and ended up going through the court and we now have time with him 50/50. I also thought that in the beginning that I was doing the right thing by transferring the child benefit to him as he didn’t have a job at the time and would have struggled to look after my son. Now since things have been agreed with custody I am now really struggling for money as I’m not recieving any kind of benefit for my son and he is sitting pretty claiming it all. I know I can make a claim for it too and then they will make the decision on which parent is to get it but what can I do to help sway it to me?

OP posts:
SillySallySingsSongs · 04/10/2018 15:13

With you, the split isn't 50/50 if you have 4 more hours. Put a claim in, you'll get a form asking you to explain all the hours he is with you and all with your ex. Will also ask things like who buys toothpaste for your child, who buys clothes, who takes him to Dr/dentist, etc. It seems daft but fill it all out honestly and explain exactly what you do pay for. Because you have more responsibility it should move to you.

It comes to something when it is calculated to 'because you have him 4 hours more'. It is as good as 50/50. Do you hold a stop watch to the exact minute or second to count down to swap over time? Hmm

Eliza9917 · 04/10/2018 15:14

If he's claiming, then he would have put his claims in when OP left. I wonder whether he's updated all the relevant departments that the residency is now 50/50, and whether they would want to know that?

If he hasn't, then he's claiming full money for 50% care. Why couldn't OP do the same? Isn't the claim in the name of the parent to provide for the child (potentially two claims), not in the child's name and the parent spends it on them (one claim)?

Graphista · 04/10/2018 15:14

"Did you pay maintenance when he had sole care?" Excellent question. When was 50/50 started?

Who buys your son his clothes, toys, books, toiletries? Because you mention you never see his toys etc which rather suggests you leave the responsibility for purchasing items directly for your son to your ex.

What about haircuts, non-prescription medical items (plasters, calpol, germolene etc)

How exactly does the 50/50 work?

flamingofridays · 04/10/2018 15:17

eliza there is no such thing as claiming 50% - you cant do that. Its all or nothing.

flamingofridays · 04/10/2018 15:18

its for the child, child benefit can only be claimed by one person (or two if you are in a couple and live together) I think tax credits is much the same. They wont split it down the middle and pay you half each, though I agree it should be possible for situations like this!

Original poster
Unicornsandrainbows12 · 04/10/2018 15:18

No I didn’t pay maintanence when I moved out, I offered him money for anything that he needed for our son but he never wanted any, I also paid the full mortgage every month until the house sold last month

OP posts:
YearOfYouRemember · 04/10/2018 15:21

I think you need to stop moaning and phone the benefits office to ask for advice and get official support. And counting the four more hours you have to have your toddler while being all sad face about missing him if he went to nursery is very odd.

Original poster
Unicornsandrainbows12 · 04/10/2018 15:22

We split in January and he’s been claiming since then. I buy the things for my house and he buys the things for his house, nothing is shared.

OP posts:
PaulDacrreRimsGeese · 04/10/2018 15:22

It's one of those areas where the law doesn't necessarily keep pace with the way people live their lives, especially as 50/50 orders get more common. The most child centred approach would be to allow more to be claimed in situations where both parents are low income, but of course that's not at all realistic.

Original poster
Unicornsandrainbows12 · 04/10/2018 15:27

I have phoned the benefit office and they couldn’t advise me they could only give me how the procedure on claiming works. I want my son for as many hours as possible, I don’t want to miss out on time with him by putting him into nursery but it’s somewhere I could register him at my address to help my benefit claim, that’s the only reason I mentioned it

OP posts:
Original poster
Unicornsandrainbows12 · 04/10/2018 15:31

Thank you everyone who offered some advice, much appreciated, few things to think about. Nap time is over so back to the fun 🙂

OP posts:
BackToTheFuschia7 · 04/10/2018 15:32

I’m sorry OP I have no idea how this works but I think you need advice from an expert. Is there a citizens advice bureau near you?

flamingofridays · 04/10/2018 15:33

op it sounds like you're more interested in taking the money from your ex than anything else.

SPR1107 · 04/10/2018 15:38

The difference being if he is claiming the child benefit, he is entitled to child tax credits etc, if you're claiming it, you are. So even if you're both financially equal (before benefits), he will be 'benefiting' as he has the ability to claim more because child benefit is going to him, even though access is 50/50.

But equally, this would happen both sides. I would sit down with your husband, and ask if could provide some toys / new clothes as and when needed. Even if this is in the form of vouchers for shops etc. As he gets older, j would make it clear to your husband that the child benefit money needs to be spent on or towards, school uniforms / clubs etc

flamingofridays · 04/10/2018 15:42

As he gets older, j would make it clear to your husband that the child benefit money needs to be spent on or towards, school uniforms / clubs etc

does her husband not have a brain of his own?

CatLadyToddlerMother · 04/10/2018 15:54

j would make it clear to your husband that the child benefit money needs to be spent on or towards, school uniforms / clubs etc

If my ex told me how to spend the CB I'd tell him to take a run and jump, you can't dictate how money is spent as long as it's spent on the child including things like rent, bills etc.

Birdsgottafly · 04/10/2018 16:01

""I would sit down with your husband, and ask if could provide some toys / new clothes as and when needed.""

If the NR Parent is on a low income/struggling then usually the person claiming the benefits would provide everything that the child needs and in the case of clothes, they would be sent with the child whilst staying with the NRP.

That would happen in the case of 50/50.

The only thing that you can do to get the benefits paid to you, is for you to have him more than your ex. It may be too soon to be trying to claim yet.

Bluntness100 · 04/10/2018 16:06

You'll just have to put a claim in and see what happens.

If you are both arguing over a tenner a week, then it would seem both of uou are struggling. If you can't agree between you then put your claim in and let them decide.

Graphista · 04/10/2018 16:08

"As he gets older, j would make it clear to your husband that the child benefit money needs to be spent on or towards, school uniforms / clubs etc" if my ex tried that crap (he did at one point) I'd tell him to fuck off! (I did) her ex is the one who was doing the majority of care and financial management for their son since January - I'm sure he's MORE than aware of how to parent without op being patronising and condescending!

As is ever pointed out to male nrps who claim ex didn't want maintenance, you could have calculated what you were legally required to pay and set that money aside for your son. Paying the mortgage when presumably you also benefited from the house and after any profit is not related.

SPR1107 · 04/10/2018 16:09

@flamingofridays OP stated that he doesn't let the child take any of his toys to the mums, other than McDonald's toys, and also that he is a manipulative man. So sounds to me like it needs to be made clear. But thank you for the critique.

Oldbutstillgotit · 04/10/2018 16:09

I used to make decisions in cases like this ( back on the 90s so maybe different now ) and in 50/50 cases , Child Benefit was paid to whoever had the child on a Sunday night .

SpottingTheZebras · 04/10/2018 16:10

Many years ago in times of joint custody, it came down to whoever had child benefit in their name was classed as the parent with care/primary caregiver. Having read through this, especially with the addresses for the doctor and you moving out so your son was not with you overnight, I think a court would find your son’s father as the primary caregiver.

flopsyrabbit1 · 04/10/2018 16:19

you sound more interested in having your DC for all the means tested benefit to be honest and its none of your buisness what your ex buys as long as your DC is provided for

you walked out and left the care giving to your ex, now you realise how much worse of you now are

to be honest this is normally the other way round eg female having the child live with her and ex paying maintanance

how many hours do you work?

Walkingdeadfangirl · 04/10/2018 16:24

Where is the 'proof' you have him for four hours a week more? I imagine he could say the same and unless either of you have an impartial referee timing everything, its 50:50

How do you know he is actually better off than you financially? For all you know he could be up to his eyeballs in debt.

And what is this obsession with what address DS is 'registered' at, what actual difference does it make? Most places I know hold both parents addresses, if its genuinely 50/50 residency then you can use either address to apply for schools.

If your struggling financially then apply for any benefits you think you should be entitled to and let the system work out if you are eligible.

As for this idea of putting him in nursery for a day, a) you will be worse off financially b)he will become the main carer as you will no longer be looking after your son half the time c)you wont see your son as much. And what actual benefit do you get, I cant think of a single one, unless you are using the extra time to work and earn more.

Seriously just chill, you have your son half the time, that is more than a lot of separated parents get.

blueskiespls · 04/10/2018 16:44

How many hours a week are you and the ex working?
As you are 50/50, do you know if your main outgoings (mortgage, rent) are roughly the same?

Swipe left for the next trending thread