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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

50/50 custody who gets benefits?

120 replies

Unicornsandrainbows12 · 04/10/2018 13:12

I broke up with my husband in January and the biggest mistake I made was not to take my son when I moved out. I thought I was doing the right thing as I didn’t want disrupt his routine until I was set up in a new house and I was still seeing him every day. Since then I have had to battle to get access to him and ended up going through the court and we now have time with him 50/50. I also thought that in the beginning that I was doing the right thing by transferring the child benefit to him as he didn’t have a job at the time and would have struggled to look after my son. Now since things have been agreed with custody I am now really struggling for money as I’m not recieving any kind of benefit for my son and he is sitting pretty claiming it all. I know I can make a claim for it too and then they will make the decision on which parent is to get it but what can I do to help sway it to me?

OP posts:
blueskiespls · 04/10/2018 16:51

Was just thinking if it was all similar then it may be something you could put to ex about sharing the CB etc. In a family with 2 dc then it's recommended that each parent applies for benefits for one child each. But obviously this isn't helpful to you

TulipsInBloom1 · 04/10/2018 16:53

If he has clothes and toys at both houses why do you need to see them? Does ex insist on seeing stuff you buy for ds at your house?

flamingofridays · 04/10/2018 16:54

OP stated that he doesn't let the child take any of his toys to the mums, other than McDonald's toys, and also that he is a manipulative man. So sounds to me like it needs to be made clear. But thank you for the critique

but if he has toys at both houses, is that really a massive issue? yes its petty but op is being equally petty.

Original poster
Unicornsandrainbows12 · 04/10/2018 17:01

Honestly thank you to those who have tried to give helpful advice, to the ones that are being cheeky and quite frankly upsetting to me you obviously you are not understanding my situation, I’m not trying to win over my ex, I’m genuinely struggling financially and only want money for what I need to pay for my son to help me out, I never said that I wanted all the benefit for myself, I am actually decent and would split the money with him. As for having an address registered as mine, that’s the kind of thing that child benefit look for as proof of who is the responsible parent.

OP posts:
TulipsInBloom1 · 04/10/2018 17:07

Do you work Op?

BlueBug45 · 04/10/2018 17:07

OP do you have him the equivalent of one more night a week or month in 52 weeks? If not then your ex has as much right to the money as you have. Having the boy 4 hours extra means SFA if you don't have him an extra overnight.

And unfortunately as a child whose mother took her when she walked out on their father plus having known children whose residential parent was their father and other separated parents whose ex claims the child benefit, I have very little sympathy for you as you seem more concerned about the money than having your son more.

swingofthings · 04/10/2018 17:08

I think judges are now too quick to agree on 50/50 care without considering the consequences. 50/50 care when parents don't get along is not going to be in the best interest of the cold. Its bound to lead to many opportunities to disagree and bicker over things with the child stuck in the middle.

As a poster has already said, if you apply for it, then it will be your ex who will be without. What you need to do is focus on trying to get along better as co-parents so that you can reach a position when you can have adult conversations about each others role and finances.

Walkingdeadfangirl · 04/10/2018 17:10

As for having an address registered as mine, that’s the kind of thing that child benefit look for as proof of who is the responsible parent

But you can 'register' him using both addresses. Every form I ever filled in for 'registering' my DC had a space for both parents addresses. Just go along to the GP or dentist or whoever and update their records with your address as well.

flopsyrabbit1 · 04/10/2018 17:53

How many hrs do you work op,you seem to be avoiding the question

Original poster
Unicornsandrainbows12 · 04/10/2018 18:09

I total working about 24 hours a week between 2 jobs and squeezed into the days I don’t have my boy

OP posts:
melj1213 · 04/10/2018 18:15

I am surprised that the court paperwork didn't specify a resident parent - from the OP it would appear that your Ex would be the main carer for any benefits as you were the one who left the family home.

My ex and I share custody 50/50 -DD spends a week with me then a week with him - but I am the main carer and this is specified in the paperwork. This was easier for us because DD was born abroad and when ex and I split he moved back to the UK and we only started 50/50 parenting when I moved back too.

In our case we both pay for things for DD for our respective houses from our own budgets but as I get the CB we have agreed that I use it to pay for the clubs/activities DD attends. We work out how much her clubs/activities/uniforms are, deduct the CB amount and then any extra gets paid equally by us. If her club's come to less than the CB then I use the extra towards other bits and bobs DD needs or put it towards bigger birthday/Xmas gifts.

Everywhere she has been registered we have had the ability to register two addresses and whichever parent is the one physically there is the one who is the "primary residence" on that particular form registration.

LeftRightCentre · 04/10/2018 18:21

He's not going to split it. You'll have to work more hours.

FunSponges · 04/10/2018 18:22

So each job is about 12 hours. You could actually get 1 better paid job job with more hours for money.

TheHoundOfWinchester · 04/10/2018 18:22

Disclaimer- I've not read full thread just giving my own experience. One of my children live with a family member during the week term time, nothig dodgy purely because it's easier with school (secondary year 11). I claim the tax credits for this child and my family member claims the child benefit.
I sorted this myself and rang tax credits too make sure all was above board etc. Just pointing out that it is possible for one person to claim one benefit and another the other for the same child.

PerverseConverse · 04/10/2018 18:48

Why on earth did you not take your son when you left? You come across as being focused on the money rather than your son but I hope that's just because of how your OP is phrased. At 2 I didn't leave my son for more than a couple of hours but then I am a SAHM and he was still breastfed. I can't imagine leaving him behind so can only assume you had to.

RayRayBidet · 04/10/2018 18:58

Have you tried applying for UC as an adult on a low income?
You might at least get something towards housing costs op.

slkk · 04/10/2018 19:00

Just for clarity, joint residence orders name 2 resident parents and are very clear on this. The wording is specific that the child resides with one parent at certain times and the other at different times. Ours was drawn up very specifically like this, though it is actually 40/60. However, these have now left and been replaced with child arrangements orders....

PerverseConverse · 04/10/2018 19:11

AFAIK child arrangement orders state which parent the child lives with. Mine does t have a big heading or anything obvious until you read it and then it says the children shall live with their mother and have contact with their father. OP have a look at your order and see exactly how it's worded.

Chocolate50 · 04/10/2018 19:18

They decide who gets it if you can't decide together based on who has most of the responsibility, so it is who deals with the school - provide evidence for this and as much as possible. Who does the GP appointments, or dentist and all of the days to day organising - make sure you have your DS registered at a GP close to you, and a dentist, provide his clothes etc.
I think if you could prove that you organise things like this you would stand a chance with the child benefit.
Make a CB claim as the main resident parent because it seems that your ex isn't being fair, explain to the CB people that you share custody but that you are the main provider and organiser despite this, once you have the CB everything else will fall into place.

Alternatively, you could ask your ex to make a more formal arrangement by a contact and look at the benefits within this, so you should get half of everything he gets, but really I think you will be better off going through the benefits department.

BlueBug45 · 04/10/2018 19:30

@swingofthings judges expect the adults to act like adults as they are going to have to jointly parent the child for 18 years, and then when the child is an adult there will be rites of passage e.g. graduations, wedding, that both parents will be expected to attend at the same time and maintain a civil tongue in their heads.

UseditUpandWoreitOut · 04/10/2018 19:48

To be honest, OP lots of us are going to struggle to understand why you left your son behind, disrupting his routine seems like a pretty poor reason, when you were doing that by leaving him. Confused

Walkingdeadfangirl · 04/10/2018 20:45

You say you are only working 24 hours a week. The real problem that you are struggling is because not working for very long. Maybe you could get a full time job like most people have to, instead of blaming the other parent?

I would love to spend more time with my children but I cant because I have to work and earn money.

flamingofridays · 04/10/2018 21:38

Make a CB claim as the main resident parent because it seems that your ex isn't being fair, explain to the CB people that you share custody but that you are the main provider and organiser despite this, once you have the CB everything else will fall into place

If hes not being fair then op wouldn't be either if she got it and he didnt?

How is op the main provider??

SillySallySingsSongs · 04/10/2018 21:39

Make a CB claim as the main resident parent because it seems that your ex isn't being fair, explain to the CB people that you share custody but that you are the main provider

How is OP the main provider, especially as they were the ones that left.

SuperMonster · 04/10/2018 23:41

This thread is really interesting.
The responses for a man would be entirely different!
She left! She left her son with his father.
Imagine a father coming on here saying he moved out and now wants to claim the child benefit as they have shared care!

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