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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To report historic sex offence despite it being 'consensual'

100 replies

Conflicted1 · 03/10/2018 22:28

When I was entering my teens I unfortunately had little by the way of parental provisions and ended up in the company of older people and some who took advantage of my vulnerability.

There is one person I've struggled to 'forget about' because many years later they've tried to initiate contact with me, now in my adult years, and send inappropriate messages seemingly oblivious to the fact they'd done any wrong when I was a child.

Aged 14 I entered into a sexual relationship with a neighbour who was then in his late twenties. I was flattered by the attention and stupidly believed he liked me

The mother of his children who he was on and off with, found out about it and assaulted me as she believed or had been told that I had initiated the 'affair' - I didn't. He pursued me for weeks. This woman knew how old I was, and in hindsight her behavior after the fact knocks me sick. I was labeled a slag and my name became mud in the street as people she was friendly with became aware of the situation, themselves choosing to overlook the fact it was practically child abuse, and looked at me as though I had brought it on myself.

We moved out of the area.

Fast forward ten years the piece of slime finds me on social media and begins sending crude messages about the time spent together and how he'd love to do it again. I responded and reminded him that I was a child, I wanted him to admit the fact so I had evidence I could take to the police if I decided to. He did.

Now, WIBU to report this to the police many years later? There is no physical evidence, but people knew about it and I have his confession in the conversation which the police could link back to him.

Also interested if anybody else shares the same opinion of his now ex partner, and thinks I'm to blame for any of this?

I can't seem to get over it all, even though it was 'consensual' I now see it for what it is, or what I believe it to me - child abuse.

OP posts:
RockingMyFiftiesNot · 03/10/2018 22:34

I don't think you're being unreasonable, he committed a crime. Consensual it may have been but I'm sure it will affect you more now that you realise that it was wrong than at the time when you were infatuated.

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 03/10/2018 22:35

It was child abuse, and horrible that the adults around you didn't recognise it for what it was. Flowers

Reporting is a difficult thing to do (I know from experience), but if you feel it's the right decision it may help to give you closure. Have you spoken to anyone about this? Or seen a counsellor?

TesselateMore · 03/10/2018 22:37

You're worrying me a bit. You've started your thread in the fightiest judgiest bit of the forum.

Also interested if anybody else shares the same opinion of his now ex partner, and thinks I'm to blame for any of this?

It's like you're inviting people to say bad things to you. Have you received counselling that has helped you understand what you yourself feel about what happened?

I think you need to sort your own views out before laying yourself open to the judgement of others.

Sorry that happened to you and please take care of yourself.

Orlandointhewilderness · 03/10/2018 22:37

it wasn't 'practically' child abuse - it WAS child abuse. If you feel you want to take that step then do report him. bastard, i'm sorry you went through that.

sue51 · 03/10/2018 22:39

You were exploited by this man who used your vulnerability and lack of parental care to his advantage. You were 14 he was 29. Of course he knew what he was doing was very wrong and illegal. Report it now.

LordNibbler · 03/10/2018 22:39

It wasn't consensual as you weren't old enough to give your consent.
You were a child, and treated appallingly by those concerned. You were not responsible for the way this sick man took advantage of you.
You should report it if you feel that's the right thing to do. It is then up to the police where to take it from there.

Kr1stina · 03/10/2018 22:41

I agree, at 14 you were not above to consent to sex with a man in his 20s. He has committed a criminal offence.

Kr1stina · 03/10/2018 22:41

Sorry not ABLE to consent

caroloro · 03/10/2018 22:43

It was child abuse. It wasn't consensual since as a child of 14 you could not, in law, actually consent. Yes absolutely you should report it. No it was not your fault. You were a vulnerable child of whom that man took advantage.

SoutineBellhop · 03/10/2018 22:46

It WAS child abuse. You weren’t old enough to consent, so it was in no sense consensual. Successful rape prosecutions are appallingly rare, but you should report if it brings you the slightest comfort, though your mental health should be the priority. (Will you feel worse if you report and he’s not charged for lack of evidence, for instance?)

Missingstreetlife · 03/10/2018 22:46

Not sure what you want, if just to get him to leave you alone a threat might be enough, or a solicitors letter. Do you feel he is stalking you, have you been really clear you want no contact? His then partner was unreasonable, it's strange how attitudes have changed so much and yet so little.
Do you think he is a risk to others? He seems interested in you now as an adult but perhaps just getting a kick out of making you feel disturbed.
You absolutely can report him but it's not an easy process, will rape crisis support you? counselling may be helpful. It's not your fault this creep took advantage of you. How will you feel if you report but it goes no further, even this may help you get closure. Think what you want to happen and get help to decide what to do if you are not clear. All the best.

FlyMaybe · 03/10/2018 22:47

It wasn't consensual OP. You weren't old enough to consent. Please report your abuser.

For you Thanks

elephantoverthehill · 03/10/2018 22:47

Please do report it. I can empathise, PM if you want.

Conflicted1 · 03/10/2018 22:48

I posted here because after asking the advice of somebody IRL I've been told there's no point trying to dig up the past now and because I had consented it would be a difficult thing to prove

OP posts:
CrazySheepLady · 03/10/2018 22:48

I'm sorry to hear about your experiences.

You asked about the man's ex-partner. She doesn't sound bright enough to realise her problem was with him, not you. Instead, she wrongly took it out on you. As so often happens, the woman or girl involved is labelled a slag by society, or at least those people in society who don't stop to think about things.

I wonder if a rape crisis up a charity or child protection organisation would be worth talking to, maybe to hell you decide whether to proceed with reporting this awful man. I wish you all the best, whatever you decide.

elephantoverthehill · 03/10/2018 22:50

You cannot consent as a minor.

elephantoverthehill · 03/10/2018 22:51

And you need to be able to move on.

FascinatingCarrot · 03/10/2018 22:53

You were groomed. It wasn't practically child abuse. It was child abuse

Conflicted1 · 03/10/2018 22:54

He's gone on to have more children and my worry lies with the fact he may well have a sexual interest in all children, not just the girl next door which I was at the time.

Can he be a risk to me back then but not his own children now? I don't know

I'm now a mother myself and am furious with his then girlfriend for her response, almost as angry as I am with him. If it was my DP who had been grooming a child i'd smack him not the child, then I'd contact the police.

OP posts:
SoutineBellhop · 03/10/2018 22:56

Your RL advisor is talking nonsense. A 14 year old cannot consent. And proving it isn’t your issue — that’s for the police/CPS. My only concern is whether a prosecution not happening would renew your trauma, but that’s a separate issue, and one to be faced with appropriate professional support. Good luck, OP. Be kind to yourself.

Dollymixture22 · 03/10/2018 22:56

I’m so sorry this happened to you. It was abuse and you were a child. He groomed you.

I am not an expert but I think you need to go and talk to the police. Take someone you trust with you. Tell them what happened.

He could do this again to another child.

elephantoverthehill · 03/10/2018 22:59

Sorry And you need to move on sounds very unsympathetic. I mean you need the help, support and I hate the phrase closure or may be a deeper understanding of your complete blamelessness (is that a word?) in all of this.

okeydokeygirl · 03/10/2018 23:02

So sorry to hear about your experience. At 14 you were not legally able to give consent. What happened to you was a crime even if you did not see it that way at the time. How you deal with it now depends on so many things. I agree with previous posters that you should seek advice from a specialist service such as rape crisis. They can help you work out what to do and talk you through the process should you decide to report itand give relevant advice and support. At the very least you will benefit from proper advice irl to prevent any further contact. Flowers

PeakedTooEarly · 03/10/2018 23:14

I think you should report him and go through due process as a healing for yourself. It will be cathartic and good for you. He deserves whatever he has coming to him and as you say, you might not be the only one he has treated this way.

Beeziekn33ze · 03/10/2018 23:15

Another who agrees you should talk to rape crisis or a similar organisation.
Sorry you had such a sad and horrible experience at a vulnerable age. Your expression 'piece of slime' is spot on!

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