To report historic sex offence despite it being 'consensual'

[Conflicted1]

When I was entering my teens I unfortunately had little by the way of parental provisions and ended up in the company of older people and some who took advantage of my vulnerability.

There is one person I've struggled to 'forget about' because many years later they've tried to initiate contact with me, now in my adult years, and send inappropriate messages seemingly oblivious to the fact they'd done any wrong when I was a child.

Aged 14 I entered into a sexual relationship with a neighbour who was then in his late twenties. I was flattered by the attention and stupidly believed he liked me

The mother of his children who he was on and off with, found out about it and assaulted me as she believed or had been told that I had initiated the 'affair' - I didn't. He pursued me for weeks. This woman knew how old I was, and in hindsight her behavior after the fact knocks me sick. I was labeled a slag and my name became mud in the street as people she was friendly with became aware of the situation, themselves choosing to overlook the fact it was practically child abuse, and looked at me as though I had brought it on myself.

We moved out of the area.

Fast forward ten years the piece of slime finds me on social media and begins sending crude messages about the time spent together and how he'd love to do it again. I responded and reminded him that I was a child, I wanted him to admit the fact so I had evidence I could take to the police if I decided to. He did.

Now, WIBU to report this to the police many years later? There is no physical evidence, but people knew about it and I have his confession in the conversation which the police could link back to him.

Also interested if anybody else shares the same opinion of his now ex partner, and thinks I'm to blame for any of this?

I can't seem to get over it all, even though it was 'consensual' I now see it for what it is, or what I believe it to me - child abuse.

I don't often shed tears but you lot are making me weep. It's your bravery, and something more, something like courage, something more than courage, it's like I can see you roar and you are magnificent.

Hugs, hand-holds, spring flowers and morning mist to you all.

Jeez--I'm so sorry this happened to you.

You were groomed as a vilerable chikd. He abused you
Please report it to police /social services.

They will believe you and they will investigate...
They will also assess his risk for his own kids.

You may or may not get a conviction but he will go through a year of hell during the investigation and his name will be mud, just like yours was. In the end i was strangely divorced from the result, i knew the police believed me and that was enough.

When he was first arrested and it was in the press the people of the town set up a Facebook Page called XX is Innocent and there were loads of messages of support. Someone posted "i knew these girls, in no way were they innocents".

PS ohwhynotgibandtonicplease

So say we all! Powerful, so, so, brave women!

I think even if I was unsuccessful at getting a conviction, him being made aware I've reported it would go some way to reducing my concerns that he'd do it again?

This was similar to why I reported. I didn't expect it to go to trial, but I wanted it on record in case anybody else ever came forward because he'd done the same to them.

I'll be honest, the police were absolutely shit when I first came forward. Absolutely, unforgivably shit (to the point where there was a finding of misconduct later). Hopefully your experience will be more like that of a previous poster, but I am mentioning mine because I was devastated and unprepared for the possibility they could be so fucking incompetent. Don't place all your hopes of healing on the police.

It doesn't sound like you'd be reporting with high expectations though, and that's probably best.

I think it would still torment me that I'd stayed silent if I hadn't reported. I get the impression you'd be the same? If reporting is what you need to do to be able to progress in processing this and dealing with it, then absolutely do that.

Closing a door on it all was what you needed to do at the time to survive and keep going. However, opening the door on that experience and working through it all is how you'll heal, especially in the circumstances you're now in, but you will need support. I don't mean from the police, but psychological support.

On that front, I can tell you there is support for trauma caused by sexual abuse (which is what this was, the grooming, all of it) - and there are some fantastic professionals out there. You do have to be able to admit to yourself and the people you're asking for help that this is the kind of support you need, as opposed to generic mental health support/counselling. You're at that point now.

I think you need to keep hearing this, so I'll add it too: what he did to you was wrong, it was criminal, it was abuse, and it was not your fault. You were a child, you were vulnerable, and he targeted you because of that, preyed on you and exploited you. You were a child, you were groomed and exploited; you were not able to consent even if you thought you were at the time. Even if you were told that was what was happening. What you have described is not what consent means anyway.

None of what happened is your responsibility, it is his. The adults around you should have protected you, and I'm so sorry that not only did they fail to do that, but you also had adults who blamed you for what had been done to you. The shame you've been carrying around with you belongs to them, not you.

All of it was wrong. It was not your fault. It is not you who has lost their dignity.

Take care

@VodkaLimeSoda27 my absolute respect and admiration goes out to you too you ladies who have commented and shared your own experiences have touched my heart and I can't thank you enough for being so kind as to come here and share what you have in the hopes it will help me. I'm so sorry if my post has taken you back to a place you try not to be reminded of. You're amazing all of you.

It does help me. It helps to know I'm (sadly) not alone but that there are some absolute soldiers of ladies who have fought and come out the other side.

If I was to report it there are at least five people who can corroborate my version of events. The girlfriend, one of her friends, one of my own friends who knew I was spending time in his house, and some others who lived on the street at the time.

Its quite depressing how haunting it can be all these years later. I've found myself hoping DC2 isn't a girl because of how utterly shit the world can be.

That's not to say boys don't suffer the same at the hands of these vile creatures, but my own experiences have made me hyper aware of how vulnerable young girls can be when there are so many of these monsters around

I was raped at 14 too, and yes got called a slag. He spat it in my face when he was done.

I went to the police the next day. It was awful, I could barely walk and the police doctors had to do horrible stuff for DNA recovery. But the police were fucking amazing.

I never pursued counseling and its the biggest regret of my life.

One thing i have to say though - i have an amazing paedar and no one dodgy ever got within a mile of my kids.

And sorry, forgot to say, it completely screwed up my view of sex.

I'm married now and in my forties but it took me until my thirties to settle. I spent most of my twenties trying to please men in bed.

I'm sorry this happened to you. Only you know whether you want to report it. If I was you I'd struggle with the decision too. But consider he may have abused others and maybe you reporting it could save someone else

But like I said that decision is only one you can make. The police are more willing to listen to victims than they were in the past so don't let that put you off off

All the best

Name, Gin and Conflicted
You’ve made me so angry at how you were treated as children, firstly by the bastards who abused you and then by the community that let them do it.
Conflicted the law says a child cannot consent to sex with an adult before the age of 16 for a very good reason.
There’s no way a 14 yr old world/should know what they were getting into so the law is there to protect children like you.
What ever you decide to do, I agree with PPs that you should get some decent support in place before reporting.

DH reported historic abuse by a teacher at his school and the police were supportive.

The trial was horrifically gruelling though. The process is brutalising. His abuser was also not found guilty .

Despite this, DH now feels better for having stood up and told the truth about what happened.
He says he’d definitely do the same thing again despite the outcome and he’s definitely now able let go of the past more easily.

What ever you decide, I want you to know that things have changed and most people would now understand that you were the victim and the one that needed protecting.

Thank you, dear Conflicted, for this thread. I think for the first time in my life I feel in the midst of people who understand.

My real life friends know nothing of my past. My DH does know and has always been supportive but I do feel that what happened back then can make me feel a sense of separateness from even my closest friends. I feel the distance most when conversation turns to reminiscences about their family or childhood and teenage years.

In an ideal world, you'd report, you'd be treated with the respect due a victim of csa and exploitation, he'd be arrested and prosecuted and convicted and locked up for a long time.

In the crap real world, you have no physical evidence, he can backtrack on what he's said now (or try to or claim you were 16 or some such shit), you could end up being told there's not a strong enough case, or be unlucky enough to initially report to an unsympathetic police officer (thankfully becoming less the case but happening far too slowly), you could have your behaviour, attire, other people's perceptions of you etc used as a way for his side to minimise and deny, even if it went to court you could find your life even now analysed by his defence, unfortunately it's not unlikely there'd be no conviction and even if there was he could get a slap on the wrist light sentence.

As a survivor myself (complicated by the fact for me he's a close relative) who's discussed reporting with experts in the field, I ultimately made the decision not to. Not because I'm weak, or cowardly but because that was the best decision for me, particularly given that even experts thought I'd struggle to make a case - although a key difference is mine has only once come close to admitting it to anyone but me, and that was "a slip of the tongue" (person he slipped to believed me). I was prompted by dds birth to tell. Didn't go well as I wasn't believed by the first person I told, I then told someone else, who I knew in a professional capacity and they were far more sympathetic and understanding.

I'd strongly advise you speak to people with experience in this area first, possibly getting counselling if you haven't already, though it's not for everyone.

And finally

I am SO sorry this happened TO you

It was NOT your fault - totally REGARDLESS of anything anyone else says!

You are clearly a strong person, but don't ever be afraid to show weakness to those who can and will support you. I spent too many years 'being strong' and I'm now paying with my health. Please don't be like me.

"He could do this again to another child." It is NOT the ops responsibility, how this creep acts, that's all on him!

Well if you lot are going to be courageous, me too, I'm namedchangedforthisthread123

Graphista did you try going to the police? Not suggesting you do, just wondering if you went and they were no good.

Tang god that sounds awful and the spitting too. You were amazing to report straight away.

@Conflicted1 you are so right that you are not alone. And you will come out the other side, whatever you decide to do- bruised and battered, but you will survive because you are strong! Even if you don't feel it- you will find resources within yourself you didn't know existed.

That's what has got me through this, in many ways. The knowledge that I survived something that I used to think would kill me (if he didn't kill me first). And that is a fucking powerful thing.

I kept my secret for years, partly because an adult around at the time told me that if it was true, I would be taken from my parents and maybe never see them again. I also wanted to protect my family from what I had 'done'. After my parents found out, they wanted no-one else in the family to know because of the trial/scandal. Not a great response, but they were scared and felt incredibly guilty for not knowing. They now accept that it is my truth to speak.

Over the last 11 years I have been speaking out by increments. I speak quite openly about my experiences and every time I speak my truth, it sets me a little bit more free. I would recommend that you try and talk to the people who care about you, as well as a professional.

to you all. A horrible 'club' to be a part of, but it's good to talk to others who are 'walking through this' (yes, this phrase is wanky, I've definitely lived in the US too long now ).

Report it. You have evidence in his texts and corroborating witnesses. People have been convicted of murder on less than that.

All of you who have been through this are strong and brave and beautiful. And I salute you.

I'm in the US and I'm sure you're aware of what's been going on here regarding old sexual assault allegations. My admiration for those who report old assaults has increased tenfold.

I spoke to police anonymously, kinda sounding them out. Didn't get a great response, they basically said it'd be virtually impossible to prove (no physical evidence, no witnesses, happened in my own home) and as he was and still does, adamantly deny it'd be "he said she said"

Thanks Graphista sorry to be nosy.

I read about a man who went to a specialist back dr (i forget the specifics) as he had suffered chronic and severe back pain all his adult life. The dr said - ah yes, you were raped repeatedly as a child and that is what has caused the damage to your back.

The man said it gave him such enormous emotional relief that someone didn't even dream of questioning him - the evidence was right there.

Oh my God, the guilt. Yes, that I felt I had caused it but the worst was the guilt at the pain I was causing my family by letting them know what had happened.

My parents lived in the Far East at the time and got woken to a call from the police. My brothers wanted to go and find him and knock seven bells out of him......

And I felt awful for 'causing' all of that pain. And that will never go away.

None of this was your fault. You were a child. He was an adult twice your age - and as such, behaved despicablely. The very fact he felt it was OK to contact you once more shows what a warped viewpoint he has. Keep strong and do whatever you feel is best for you now. x

Report him. He is a pedo and he is sending you crude messages now.

He is likely to do this to others; if he hasn’t already.

Sorry Op, I've been really clumsy in what I've said. I'm trying to say that keeping these things suppressed isn't healthy. If you feel up to it then do report, I'm sure the police will be more than helpful. Good luck, whatever you decide