To report historic sex offence despite it being 'consensual'

[Conflicted1]

When I was entering my teens I unfortunately had little by the way of parental provisions and ended up in the company of older people and some who took advantage of my vulnerability.

There is one person I've struggled to 'forget about' because many years later they've tried to initiate contact with me, now in my adult years, and send inappropriate messages seemingly oblivious to the fact they'd done any wrong when I was a child.

Aged 14 I entered into a sexual relationship with a neighbour who was then in his late twenties. I was flattered by the attention and stupidly believed he liked me

The mother of his children who he was on and off with, found out about it and assaulted me as she believed or had been told that I had initiated the 'affair' - I didn't. He pursued me for weeks. This woman knew how old I was, and in hindsight her behavior after the fact knocks me sick. I was labeled a slag and my name became mud in the street as people she was friendly with became aware of the situation, themselves choosing to overlook the fact it was practically child abuse, and looked at me as though I had brought it on myself.

We moved out of the area.

Fast forward ten years the piece of slime finds me on social media and begins sending crude messages about the time spent together and how he'd love to do it again. I responded and reminded him that I was a child, I wanted him to admit the fact so I had evidence I could take to the police if I decided to. He did.

Now, WIBU to report this to the police many years later? There is no physical evidence, but people knew about it and I have his confession in the conversation which the police could link back to him.

Also interested if anybody else shares the same opinion of his now ex partner, and thinks I'm to blame for any of this?

I can't seem to get over it all, even though it was 'consensual' I now see it for what it is, or what I believe it to me - child abuse.

I posted here because after asking the advice of somebody IRL I've been told there's no point trying to dig up the past now and because I had consented it would be a difficult thing to prove As previous posters have said, you didn’t consent because legally you couldn’t. You have a sort of confession and many witnesses. Whether that’s enough for a conviction I don’t know, but I do know that the sex offender prison I work in has 100’s of men in it convicted of historic sexual offences. Good luck in whatever you decide to do

I'm so sorry you went through this OP 😔 (and all of the others who have shared their experiences). YANBU - please report your abuser to the police.

I'm a bit concerned that you don't have much real life support with the emotional side of this. Online support can be useful but it can only take you so far.

One of the things I really valued in counselling was that for that hour the focus was totally on what was best for me. My counsellor had no other agenda than helping me understand my emotions and deal with them. She kept her own opinions and as far as possible her own emotions out of it. She made it clear that reporting was my decision and she would support me with whatever I decided.

Conflicted, you are the person who has to deal with the consequences of reporting which will probably be a mix of positive and negative. So even though it can be helpful to hear the stories of others, your decision has to be based on what is best for you in the longterm. That's a complex decision and it doesn't sound from your posts that there's anyone who is helping you with that.

You've mentioned that you still have strong emotions around being labelled a "slag". What is your support mechanism if by reporting the abuse this accusation is brought up again?

If finding a counsellor seems too big a step right now have you considered using one of the helplines?

thesurvivorstrust.org/national-helplines/

Best wishes with getting the support you need and deserve.

I didn't read all of the replies as found it oh so triggering. So sorry so many of you have been groomed and abused.I've had 6 yrs of therapy after a diagnosis of ptsd, ten yrs after the final time I saw my abuser. Took that long for shock to wear off and for me to realise something bad had happened and it wasn't my choice and wasn't consensual.
I was 14 when it started. It went on for seven yrs on and off. He was in his 20s when it started.

Admitting it, facing it and having your experience validated was hugely healing for me.
Perhaps seek some counseling before reporting? My therapist was absolutely amazing. I chose not to report in the end.

Good luck to you.

Now he has resurfaced and you have evidence of what he did to you would be an good time to report it.
You were raped because you were a minor. You were treated horribly. It's not that long ago. Victims have reported sexual abuse many years later and secured convictions for their abusers.
This man has probably abused other girls so if you feel able, then report it and try to get some counselling support.

One thing that really solidified for me that i had been blameless was my sons' friends as young teens having little crushes on me. I was able so very easily to deflect and refocus without the teen even realising what I had done. I was happy that they must have subconsciously realised I was a safe person to practice their flirting on. I hope the above makes sense, iyswim.

As someone in their 20s if I found out a friend was sleeping with a CHILD... I would be disgusted. This was abuse, this was not consensual and he is a pervert.

OP do report it to police. They'll take your phone amd get a warreht to take his and his electronic devices, as they so that for any sexual offences. He's sent you messages they'll be able to recover (takes ages but they get there!) He'll be a priority given his access to other children.
It wasn't consensual as legally you can't consent to sex or sexual contact or sexual talk (grooming) under the age of 16.

The police deal with it so much better now than even 3 years ago, as a result of findings from Rochdale rapes/grooming ring of young teenagers. And other historical cases.
He will go through hell as a result (deservedly).

Victims of sexual offences are afforded anonymity including if others setting up FB pages to discuss anything about the victims, they'll find themselves in contempt of court if anyone hinta at your identity, names or harasses you. You just screenshot and bring it to attention of police.

The police will refer you to victim support, who can refer you onto specialist abuse counselling agencies.
If you've any diaries or photos from back then, with details, do pass those onto police too.
Also any friends that knew about it who are willing to make a statement? He can't pretend he didnt know your age as you were neighbours

I had a very similar experience when I was 14. My then 'boyfriend's was in his 20s. My parents hated him, he took advantage of me and used me as a sexual plaything for over 2 Years, some Of The things he initiated make me gag now till i realised I was worth more. It left me with an eating disorder I'm still dealing with and real issues with sex. This horrible person started contacting me again on facebook a few years ago, I'm 37 now and I felt strong enough to tell him exactly what I thought of him and how he destroyed a large part of my early life. He refused to take any responsibility.
I found out 2 Years ago he passed away alone and an alcoholic. I was almost relieved but wish I had reported him at the time.
Without the help of my amazing family and husband I wouldnt have been be able to deal with it all.
Report him and ficus on yourself. There is nothing to blame yourself for. These people are nothing better than paedophiles.
Sending you lots of hugs xxxx

A child 12 OR UNDER cannot consent to sex and that would be automatically be rape
A child over 13 CAN consent but of course it is still a criminal activity but not rape

I reported childhood sexual abuse that was almost 40 years ago. I equally found the police helpful and supportive. As evidence they asked for permission to see therapists statements who I had told previously about the abuse - I guess to help build a case it happened. The fact you have written evidence from him sounds like great evidence to me! I used to wonder why people reported very old abuse until a therapist asked asked me if I wanted to do it. People who find children sexual are sick fuckers - I realised that sadly its unlikely to have just happened to me - it could have happened to other children, possibly his grandchildren. I felt if I reported it then his desire for children would no longer be a secret, and if he had hurt anyone else they might have the confidence to speak up.
Reporting abuse can be tricky - you spend a life time trying to forget and then you need to remember everything for your police report. I remember now more than I did when I was young because I had to take myself through the experience to make sure I was giving an accurate report. But I am so glad I did it - after 40 years it feels like closure now. Good luck with whatever you decide to do. But one thing is for sure - this is all on him. He groomed and abused a child and now he is stalking you. He is one sick fuck. Don't for a second think any of this was your fault - all victims wonder if they did something to attract or give out the wrong messages to an offender. I wondered the same and I was only 11. But you are an adult now - you know adults know right from wrong. He knew what he was doing to you was wrong on so many levels - but he did it for his own personal gain without any consideration for the impact on you. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

When i was 14/15 I was in a sexual relationship with a man in his 50s for any a year - he was my sports coach who I looked up to hugely. Of course at the time i felt privileged and special and now I know that it was a huge abuse of his position and a terrible thing to do. Unfortunately no one ever knew and he's now dead. He was massively well regarded within the sport and community and is still thought of highly and no one knows what happened and I suppose no one ever will.

This is an awful situation, I'm so sorry OP. I don't think you're being in the slighted bit unreasonable and if I were in your shoes, I would still feel a lot of anger towards this man's partner about the way she behaved towards you. It was child abuse, there is no question. You may not have thought it at the time, maybe you even thought you were quite mature being involved with an older man. I say so, because when I was 15 I had a 26 year old boyfriend and I thought it was a good thing at the time. Once I was in my 20s, I started to feel really disturbed by the whole thing, I let him take inappropriate photos of me and did things someone shouldn't have been asking a minor to do. I don't know what will happen if you go to the police as I've never tried, but if people are harassing you now about it, anything they say which gives any detail of what happened could be useful evidence. I don't know if there's anyone who you knew at the time who could give a statement supporting the information you want to provide? Pressing charges can be distressing, but if you feel it would give you some closure or vindication, I would consider it and possibly talk it through with a counsellor/Women’s aid/a Gp

Just saw one of OP's other comments - if you report it to the police, but they decided not to investigate at all, he wouldn't find out. In terms of getting a conviction I couldn't say. You mentioned a "confession" message from him? Anything like this which you have copies of would be very valuable evidence and would really increase your chances of getting a conviction

Hi Heidimay, I am pretty sure your second post is inaccurate. I don't work in the field but my understanding of it is that if OP reports then they will interview the perpetrator. I don't think they decide whether or not to investigate once it's reported. I think police have a duty to investigate and the decision comes at the stage they decide to charge.

If OP or anyone else is concerned about this they can probably get more accurate info from one of the specialist organisations or from the police themselves. You can ask to speak to someone trained in dealing with sexual abuse and as many other posters have said I also found the police handled my call sensitively and gave me the information I needed to decide.

Agree with pp. Impossible for you to have consented to this at 14 years old. Don't let anyone IRL gaslight you about this.

hi TesselateMore I don't work in the field either but when enquiring about pressing charges a senior criminal lawyer told me that if I went to the police and made a report, they would decide whether to investigate, they wouldn't automatically investigate just because a complaint has been made. It might be helpful for OP to speak to Women's Aid, who have experience of helping people press charges. They were very helpful to me (about domestic violence, I didn't speak to them about historic abuse) and they can send a case worker along with you when you make your police report

As teenage girls were able to access contraception in order to prevent pregnancies I think many people overlooked the fact of when the law was being broken. The partner of your abuser was one of these and maybe she was jealous but clearly overlooked the fact you were groomed. The issue is you were unable to consent and he was twice your age at the time.

Yes report it, who knows whether the police have already received complaints about him. I think the police take complaints of sexual abuse more seriously now. Unless and until men start to understand their responsibility this will continue.

I agree HeidiMay, since neither of us are experts it would be helpful for OP to consult an organisation with recent experience as these things sometimes change over time.

I am glad you got good support Heidimay and hope the OP does too.

I’d report it.

If you don’t then he’s not going to get convicted.
If you do he might get convicted xx

NC for this.

My heart goes out to all you survivors.

I've been in a similar position as you. My abuse started at 13 and ruined my life.

My experience of sex put me apart from my school friends and altered the way I was treated by them after I confided in one "friend" who told everyone else. I was branded a slag by so-called friends and pretty much shunned.

My abuser was controlling and became my boyfriend. He refused to entertain the idea of me going to uni, and being weak, I stayed at home and got a job.

We eventually got married, rape continued until rape in marriage became illegal. Another nightmare for me was keeping my young niece away from him (he "loved' children).

I eventually got the strength to divorce him, but still live in fear of him and his family, so I won't be going to the police - though I would dearly love to.

I hope everyone here has the strength I don't have and will bring successful prosecutions against these men. I hope it will bring you all peace.

If anyone feels they need a specialist counsellor (my local MH team tried me with CBT but it was a wrong fit for me), please try your local GUM clinic. Many of these have a specialist psycho-sexual counsellor attached. Mine has been amazing and has made my fucked-up personality and life worth sorting out and living.

Good luck to you all.

Are any of you reading the other threads on AIBU about amounts of sexual partners. It just makes me feel so other that I can't lightheartedly count mine. They are talking about slags and sluts and it's just bringing back unhappy memories.

No. I can't think of a healthy reason to look. Mostly I'm at peace with my past and would rather think about living a good life in the future. Good according to my values not anyone else's.

I do know what you mean though thigh. I get the odd pang of sadness when I can't join in a conversation about the past as my contribution would be more revealing than I'd want. I used to have a couple of things I read as self-esteem restorers after that. I hope you have something equally cheering.

I do have some ingrained attitudes about number of sexual partners but can't come up with a logical reason to back them up. I thought the terms were fading out of use but perhaps I'm living a sheltered life.

Hopefully there's plenty of people challenging the use of the words?

But it wasn’t consensual. Not in the eyes of the law. 14 is too young to give consent about something that you weren’t mature enough to understand. Report if you feel you need to - if you think it will help you to heal and move on