To report historic sex offence despite it being 'consensual'

[Conflicted1]

When I was entering my teens I unfortunately had little by the way of parental provisions and ended up in the company of older people and some who took advantage of my vulnerability.

There is one person I've struggled to 'forget about' because many years later they've tried to initiate contact with me, now in my adult years, and send inappropriate messages seemingly oblivious to the fact they'd done any wrong when I was a child.

Aged 14 I entered into a sexual relationship with a neighbour who was then in his late twenties. I was flattered by the attention and stupidly believed he liked me

The mother of his children who he was on and off with, found out about it and assaulted me as she believed or had been told that I had initiated the 'affair' - I didn't. He pursued me for weeks. This woman knew how old I was, and in hindsight her behavior after the fact knocks me sick. I was labeled a slag and my name became mud in the street as people she was friendly with became aware of the situation, themselves choosing to overlook the fact it was practically child abuse, and looked at me as though I had brought it on myself.

We moved out of the area.

Fast forward ten years the piece of slime finds me on social media and begins sending crude messages about the time spent together and how he'd love to do it again. I responded and reminded him that I was a child, I wanted him to admit the fact so I had evidence I could take to the police if I decided to. He did.

Now, WIBU to report this to the police many years later? There is no physical evidence, but people knew about it and I have his confession in the conversation which the police could link back to him.

Also interested if anybody else shares the same opinion of his now ex partner, and thinks I'm to blame for any of this?

I can't seem to get over it all, even though it was 'consensual' I now see it for what it is, or what I believe it to me - child abuse.

I'm 80 percent sure I want to report it, but do have some reservations because of the potential of a no conviction outcome.

Despite that i feel I have an obligation to do what I can to prevent it happening to somebody else.

Because of how it was handled at the time I do now question myself and wonder whether I'm to blame.

I rarely thought about it until he made contact on Facebook and was so brazen, it then prompted me to do some digging and find the ex girlfriend. I toyed with the idea of messaging her as a now adult and asking what the hell was going through her mind not to see it for what it was. I feel strongly that she should have reported it, I had nobody to be my voice back then but she was a mother and knew what had happened even if she did kid herself into believing it was me who pursued him.

I had no interest in boys or men until he came along and did his utmost to change that.

I didn't message her, and blocked him as soon as I had his "confession" but the contact has opened up Pandora's box again unfortunately

Please report it he groomed you

Don't know if this will help, or if its the same with all police forces, but here's a little of my experience reporting a historical case.

I reported a rape about 20yrs after if happened. The police were brilliant. Took a statement and asked if it was okay to refer me to their sexual offences team. That team then got in touch and came to my house to speak to me at a time that suited me. They asked me what I wanted to happen. I didn't want to pursue my own case - I only got in touch as he was being charged with raping someone else and I thought it might help. They said it was my choice. They asked if it was okay to pass my details onto a rape support team so I could access specialist counselling.

At no point did I feel like I was wasting their time, or pressured into anything.

Maybe you could have an informal meeting with your local police sexual offences team? They might be able to help you work through your options.

You are not a slag. You are a victim of child abuse.

I just want to say that I'm really sorry that happened to you.

It wasn't your fault, it was wrong, and you would be completely justified in going to the police. Because you were a minor, you COULD NOT consent. Having his admission of guilt in writing puts you in a much stronger position if you do want to take this forward.

You won't have to fight the case of whether it was consensual or not. Your age at the time automatically makes it a crime. You have ever right to report this.

Bless you. I do believe you should report this man. You said:

"I posted here because after asking the advice of somebody IRL I've been told there's no point trying to dig up the past now and because I had consented it would be a difficult thing to prove"

At fourteen you were too young to consent! This wasn't a fifteen year old boyfriend, he was a grown man. You were abused.

You blocked contact with the man on social media but I hope you are able to access his messages because they will clearly show what sort of person he is.

Please do go to a rape crisis centre or to the police station, as if they have a female officer or team who deal with historic sex abuse cases (you could telephone them first).

Happened to me at 15 - he was 36. He was reported to the police who told my parents there was no point in pursuing him, difficult to prove, and said it would result in bad publicity - for me! I got the blame.

That was a very long time ago, thankfully things have changed - not enough but changed nonetheless. You will find sympathy I can assure you.

You're a brave girl, good luck.

As a pp said, if you report it, do so on the knowledge that it is unlikely to end in a conviction. I am so sorry but that is the harsh truth. Even if, against all odds, he is convicted, do you know what he might get? Community service. Will that feel like justice? I dealt with a case just recently, 13 year old girl and that's what he got. A 1 year order with community service. It's disgusting. If you ar going to report you need to be prepared for a negative outcome. I only say this because I want you to do what's right for you and not put your faith into a criminal justice system that repeatedly lets down victims.

Are you in the US? Some of your spelling is American, that’s why I thought you might be. Here in the UK what he did was a crime, consensual or not - you were under-age. He abused you, and you can report it. If you’re in the US though I’m not sure what the law is.

I think even if I was unsuccessful at getting a conviction, him being made aware I've reported it would go some way to reducing my concerns that he'd do it again? He'd have to be a complete idiot to do more of the same after knowing he's on the radar, then again this is somebody who openly admits to what he did in an online conversation. He is clearly much stupider than I initially thought.

I'm in the UK

Im so sorry this happened to you. You were a vulnerable child.

There’s no difficulty in proving consent. Your real life confident is completely wrong about that (!).

In fact this is the easiest thing to prove because it’s not up for debate, no umm-ing and ahhh-ing, no complex decisions, no opinions at all. It’s a fact. You were 14 years old. He was an adult. You could not consent. By law. It was rape. He abused you. Full stop.

I wouldn’t contact that stupid selfish woman who blamed a child rather than ‘her man’. There’s nothing but harm that can come out of contacting someone like her.

I hope that whatever you decide moving forwards, you come out of this a stronger woman who is confident in herself and knows that she did nothing wrong. At all.

This type of grooming has an insidious effect. We don't realise what's happening to us at the time (because we are innocent) and quickly come to believe they are our boyfriend.

This grooming has long term effects in the way it normalises inappropriate sex and consequently we have no boundaries. That is not our fault.

The perpetrators who groomed and raped me are dead. I was in my forties before I fully understood what had happened to me. It was my daughter reaching 13 that suddenly made me aware of the awful reality. She was so innocent and still very much a child. As I should have been but wasn't because I was not protected, I was neglected. This made me vulnerable to the attentions of predatory men. I didn't know it was wrong, no one was stopping it happening, no one questioned where he / they was taking me. I was brought up to do as I was told by adults. The idea of saying no did not enter my head. You don't answer back to grown-ups. I was that much of a child.

I should have been tucked up in bed in my pyjamas reading Anne of Green Gables. I wish I had been.

OP, I think you should report it. You were a child, he was an adult. It was child abuse. Him contacting you has opened that Pandora's box and the lid won't go back down until you've examined what's in the box. It will be hard but you may be offered counselling and it could be the best way to come to terms with what happened for your own long term emotional wellbeing. Good luck.

I'm 80 percent sure I want to report it, but do have some reservations because of the potential of a no conviction outcome.

Even if there is no conviction - the case itself will open people's eyes as to what he really is.

I would report it.

YANBU.

He groomed you. You were a child. That's what predators do. I agree his partner is equally gross for blaming you, the victim, instead of facing up to what a disgusting bloke she was in a relationship with.

Report the fucker.

Ohwhynotgin - I'm so so sorry that happened to you

So sorry that other people have gone through the same and similar, it makes me sick to reflect and remember that I saw it as normal and even flattering at the time. These people are vile, disgusting creatures.

He wasn't the only one, but is the one who has had the most impact looking back. I think that's because he's the only one who's taken it upon himself to try and come back into my life. I did well to block a lot of thing's out until he did this.

To answer earlier PP's no I've never had counselling, my coping mechanism was to close the door and move on.. but this has shown me that its not that easy.

I'm currently pregnant and already a mother to a beautiful, innocent DC1. I think my maternal instincts are a driving force behind how overwhelmed I feel about this all of a sudden. Children should be left well alone, not used to satisfy the sick urges of a morbidly grotesque adult

I think I'm going to report it, I've spent years feeling like "a slag" its not as though I have much dignity left to lose by speaking up

I reported historic sexual abuse OP - i was 14 and "consenting" too. He was 31 and in a position of power over me. I didn't report it till i was 40 when i heard about a community award he had received. I was just so furious that he still had his good name and i lost mine as a child. People found out and bullied me and would shout slag in the street. I felt so worthless and terrified i used to eat my sandwiches in the toilets at school. I also would sleep with anyone who wanted to because I felt that there was no use for me so someone might as well have 5 minutes of pleasure. I must have slept with about 40 boys before I was even 16.

It took me many years and some counselling and even heavy drinking not to feel like a filthy useless slag.

When i reported it i felt so terrible and kept trying to take it back. I felt that as i had consented i was making a fuss about nothing. When i told my sister that i was going to report it she said - now everyone will know what a dirty dog you were.

The police were wonderful and believed me and treated me like a victim not a temptress and a slag. He had other victims too, some of whom i could name for the police. They found others too.

He wasn't sorry and denied everything right up until the morning of the court case. They put him in prison and when I read the press afterwards there were quite a lot of us and some had suffered very, very badly.

It was a massive, massive weight of me going to the police. It was so very hard during the investigation but afterwards i was so glad i did it.

What really hurts is that it was an open secret in our town what he was, nobody cared at all.

oh my goodness you are NOT a slag. You NEVER WERE.

you were groomed by a predator.

Please consider counselling because it is likely more memories will surface.

Hugs.

@OhWhyNotGinAndTonicPlease your post has hit me right in the heart, I'm so very sorry you've suffered at the hands of these despicable cunts masquerading as men. I hope you've found your peace, or are able to x

you cant give consent to an adult at 14-he sexually abused you so yes report him with your messages you have

There is a powerful movie about this kind of sexual abuse on HBO right now. Called "The Tale" starring Laura Dern and written autobiographically by the writer/director. I highly recommend it.

I think you absolutely should report, but it will be a long and emotional process. I think you should look into finding a really good therapist to help you through the process, or ask for referral now as they take a lot of time to come through on the NHS. As Pp have said, consent is almost irrelevant as you were a child and legally unable to offer consent. He could be a teacher or in any other position where he has access to other young girls to abuse. The fact that he has contacted you and been so brazen means that he clearly feels no remorse and hasn’t changed. He’s a disgusting human being, and yes needs to be reported. Oh, and don’t bother with his ex, this isn’t about her at all, no matter how awful she was. Forget her, she’s not the worst person in this scenario - decide if you can cope with the stress of going over it all when you make the report, and then do it.

@Namechangedforthisthread123 I'm so sorry you've suffered too and am absolutely in awe of your bravery. I can relate to a lot of your post too. What happened changed the way I saw myself and saw sex. Ironically I did behave promiscuously as a result of what happened, well into my teens, and the label of being a "slag" stuck with me.

I'll never forget one comment made about me even all these years later. "She's been a slag since she hit puberty" and it still stings as much as the day I heard it

I really hope you do report, OP . We are both 29, and I was 14 when it happened to me too. He was in his late 30s. I have been in your shoes- feeling flattered, like it was normal and ok. It has fundamentally altered the passage of my life.

I was also let down by adults in my life who knew I was being abused and did nothing but paint me as a wayward little 'Lolita' type . That makes me sick now and affects me just as much as the abuse. I internalised so much blame.

He has been stupid enough to contact you and basically spell out that he abused you. This should hopefully help with a police investigation. My abuser got 7 years. The trial was harrowing and awful but I'm so glad I did it, to get him away from other children who he had the opportunity to abuse .

Think about getting some therapy- you deserve it, you are worthy and definitely not a slag. You were just a child and this is not your fault. He however, is a disgusting piece of shit. There will be a lot of stuff to work through, but it is worth it and you are worth it .

PM me if you want to x

OP you can give the name of the gf to the police and let her see how it feels to be questioned regarding her assault on you.