To think I didn’t need exe’s permission to introduce DD to myself new bf?

[RogelioMyBrogelio]

I’ve been seeing my new BF for 5 months now and last weekend introduced him to my 7yo DD.

Thanks Mistress. And I am a bit puzzled by those who feel they know the appropriate time scale for introducing my DD, who they don’t know, to my BF, who they also don’t know - and introducing him as a ‘friend’ (I mean how confusing is that when a bit down the line he’s moving in). I’m only 28 - I was 20 when I met my ex and got pregnant fairly quickly. He was my first boyfriend, and I spent my early-mid 20’s being controlled and belittled . I’m finally in a place where I realise it doesn’t have to be that way and I would quite like just one nice relationship. Having a child and broken relationship doesn’t mean I don’t want what other people my age want - marriage, more kids, etc. Having all that and having a happy DD aren’t mutually exclusive - I don’t see why I should sit around waiting for the approval of my ex before I can move on and actually commit to a nice man for the first time in my life! And it’s not like my DD will get a richer life experience with a mother who is always single.

I don’t think anyone Ian saying that. Of course you’re entitled to love on with your life - good for you, finally!! But your life involves a 7yo DD who has an active (ie not totally absent) dad. You can’t separate these two things. Nobody is suggesting you get his permission. But an FYI would have been civil. It doesn’t matter that your ex wasn’t civil, that’s nothing to do with this situation.

I agree with PikaPika and others. It's respectful to inform your XH so they are not caught on the hoof by the kids telling them. You don't need permission.

I got caught out by my DC telling me and I felt quite wrong footed.

But after only 5 months I'd be really cautious about introducing new a new BF to DC. I always remember a colleague of mine commenting on how many of her Mums BFs she met over the years and how she hated the expectation to like and invest in another stranger. Go cautiously...

No you don't, he's being a controlling prick, especially as he's had girlfriends, have you asked him, if he's asked your permission then!

One year! Four/ five months is pretty much in a sensible time limit. What if the children and new boyf hate each other? I would then end it and have wasted a whole year and have to disengage from a lengthy emotional entanglement.

It's respectful to inform your XH so they are not caught on the hoof by the kids telling them.

What's respect got to do with it, Boule? Do you think ex is respectful to OP by being nasty and refusing to pay regular maintennace?

Respect is a two way street.

A lot of posters are saying you don’t need permission and that you should have told him for the sake of your dd. Imagine if he was asking her all about it because he’d heard from her, not you.

That’s not fair on her at all.

What's respect got to do with it, Boule? Do you think ex is respectful to OP by being nasty and refusing to pay regular maintennace?

Because of the dd involved. If he’s so nasty, why does he get contact? OP called him a great dad yet I see time and time again people call out this fallacy.

I think OP said he's a good dad, not a great dad. I agree that a man who doesn't pay CM for his dd and treats his ex like crap is not a good dad. Perhaps OP means he is regular with his contact with dd.

All this 'be respectful to him' screams 'let him treat you like crap for the sake of your dd' which is a bad message for OP to teach her dd.

All the people posting that OP should have let him know about BF have consistently failed to comment on the ex's abusive behaviour. Mistress is right, it's horribly sexist.

Exactly, tge blatant sexism on here. When it's a dad, and mum upset that he has not introduced his new partner. There are many posters telling op, it is none of her business, and to stay out of it. Just be respectful to your kids and have maybe take time to introduce him to the kids. What's the ex got to do with it, he's an ex🤔🤔

From what op has said about how he treated her, and still treats her, he does not deserve that courtesy.

If he’s so nasty, why does he get contact?

I won’t revoke contact with a father she loves and who treats her well just because he and I don’t get on. He’s awful to me and doesn’t pay for her but he always turns up when he says he will, comes to parents evenings, etc, it could be a lot worse

Your ex sounds like mine, controlling and self absorbed. I introduced my then boyfriend to my children long before I told ex because I know how awful he would be and I needed to know how boyfriend and children got on and if it would work. I did not however introduce him by name but instead we gave him the nickname of a cartoon character so if children mentioned it to ex he wouldn't realise. These are seriously the lengths we had to go to. It did work and I finally told ex when we were moving in together. Predictably he hit the roof, insisted on meeting boyfriend, threatened him with violence, posted awful things all over social media and generally carried on like the violent, narcissistic man he is. Anyway my point being sometimes there's good reasons not to tell exs anything until you have to!

I won’t revoke contact with a father she loves and who treats her well just because he and I don’t get on. He’s awful to me and doesn’t pay for her but he always turns up when he says he will, comes to parents evenings, etc, it could be a lot worse

Fair play to you OP for puttting your daughter and her needs first

PS my ex still gets contact for exactly the same reasons as OPs. His children don't see the side of him everyone else sees. They love him.

're when to introduce a new partner, Every case is different. There is no blanket rule covering this.
We all live different lives and in different circumstances so only the people involved know their child and when an introduction is appropriate. You really cannot base it on what others did or didn't do.
As for consulting an ex, then again, that depends on your relationship and their relationship with the child.
In an ideal world you would be able to consult each other and decide what's best for your child but that's not always possible.

He can’t be that good if he won’t actually provide financial support his own child.

@RogelioMyBrogelio sorry I didn’t see this. I’d have preferred a wine that’s for sure haha.

I can understand what you’re saying, you’re ex sounds like a total nob. I’d be bitter too! I really hope it all works out 😘

Oh ffs. Would any of you stop your child having a relationship with the father he/she loves because he doesn’t pay maintenance for the child? Seriously?! It was on MN that I heard the “it’s not pay-per-view, you know” mantra.

The OP’s specific question has got NOTHING to do with sexism, and I don’t believe it was asked with that in mind. It’s about the 7yo child in this who didn’t ask to be born, didn’t ask for her parents to separate, didn’t ask for her dad to be a dick, didn’t ask for any of this. This entire issue should be handled between the adults with the child’s best interests at the forefront. Some adults are really shitty and petty and use their children as pawns. It probably is true that mostly it’s men who do this. This behaviour needs to be stopped. But putting a 7yo in the middle of that endeavour is NOT right. The sexism angle should remain between adults.

@RogelioMyBrogelio I'm the PP who's ex doesn't want me to introduce DD to a new man because men can be paedophiles.

To other PP's saying op shouldn't have 'left it up' to her DD to tell her ex about her new BF. I imagine she didn't do that at all.

If she's anything like me, I only talk to DD about things I don't mind her dad knowing about. If I don't want him to know then I don't talk to DD about it. Simple

DD is not a go between and I would never put her in the position of keeping a secret.
Unlike her dad I might add, who tells DD that things are secret just between them and constantly asks if 'mummy has a boyfriend'

Some on here obviously have no idea or experience of an ex like this. It's a fine line, balancing need to know info, having a private life and protecting DD