To think I didn’t need exe’s permission to introduce DD to myself new bf?

[RogelioMyBrogelio]

I’ve been seeing my new BF for 5 months now and last weekend introduced him to my 7yo DD.

OP anyone who hasn't been in a relationship with an abusive or controlling partner cannot understand just how they behave whenever they don't get their own way or you don't behave in the way they want.

I completely understand why you didn't say anything and frankly don't see why you should have shown him a courtesy that he failed to show you.

For other posters any communication with someone like this other than bare factual stuff gives rise to complaints, argument ps and controlling behaviour.

For other posters any communication with someone like this other than bare factual stuff gives rise to complaints, argument ps and controlling behaviour

Yes to this. Although I still have a hard time computing about being in an ‘abusive’ relationship - when I was in it I’d never have said it was abusive but years later all the signs are there.

Maisy that’s crackers - I personally never had any desire to meet ex’s new girlfriends (except to maybe tell them they’re bonkers and will regret it). If ex was getting married I’d think it was one thing but for someon who’s known him 2 weeks I knew it was pointless kicking up a stink

Wonder what happens when the dc have already meet the new b/f

OP I don’t see why you need to tell your ex about your dc meeting this chap.

I have never done this and nor my ex, it doesn’t seem to have scared the dc or effected them

ANd to the PP whose ex said it’s different for women because men can be peadophiles - this is my ex to a T! He cares so much about keeping kids away from paedophiles that I shouldn’t be having relationships, yet he doesn’t give a fuck of women are abused and has apparently been posting Facebook statuses about ‘poor Brett Kavanaugh it’s so hard to be a man’ sorry for derailing!

In an ideal co-parenting relationship both parents would accept their responsibility. But OP spent 2 years bending over backwards to him and doing nothing without his permission and he still used every opportunity to pick a fight with her.

She says it's been 5 years of hell. Now that she has the confidence to trust her own judgment and not allow him to bully her anymore, she's being told that he has the right to know.

OP telling him about her BF will not make him a better father to his DD. It's just another stick to beat OP with.

Maintenance is a COMPLETELY separate issue. He has a right to know as the dds father, not as OP's ex

I'm sorry but you're wrong. He doesn't have any 'right' to know about OPs relationship(s). If he were on amicable terms with OP then yes, most people would give a heads up...but if you choose to treat people like shit then you lose that 'right'.

RogelioMyBrogelio
I'm sure you wouldn't be like people on that thread. It just made me smile a little that on here people are saying you shouldn't tell your ex about a new partner meeting your child whilst on another thread there's people telling a mother she absolutely has a right to know her ex's new partner because they're her kids and her rules and she has a right to know who they're with. Seemed a bit like a MN double standard to me.

But then I'm simple and think no permission is needed either way and both parties should inform the other when their new partner meets the children.

It's weird how different the responses are on this thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3383696-Meeting-ex-s-new-girlfriend

I haven't told my ex about my partner either. I don't fancy being called a slut and a cunt. Fortunately my two are older and know not to. Nothing I have said btw. I've never bad mouthed him. His behaviour towards me in front of them said it all.
Sorry to derail OP some people have no idea what dealing with a controlling ex is like.

Op you sound so angry....... I don’t think you’ve genuinely wondered ‘aibu’ about this? You seem to know exactly what you think / feel. This is more like a need to vent / be validated.

Anyway I have no experience of this situation in any way, shape or form but I think ‘telling’ but not ‘asking’ is in the child’s best interest. Think her life would just be easier that’s all. Good luck with your new relationship 😘

Teddybearbaby

Can you post examples that show OP is angry? I think she's being remarkably patient on this thread.

Just because OP has decided not to pander to her ex anymore does not make her angry. Anger can be a good thing though. If she had found her anger 5 years ago maybe she wouldn't have had 5 years of hell.

OP telling him about her BF will not make him a better father to his DD. It's just another stick to beat OP with.

Yep. You did nothing wrong OP. Your judgement is spot on.

It’s my interpretation....I was telling her how I’M reading her posts. Not you or anyone else but ME. It’s coming across TO ME that’s she’s really frustrated with the bare faced cheek of this man and I don’t feel she’s actually questioning aibu at all. Again that’s not a bad thing or necessarily correct but it’s MY feeling. I couldn’t care less if she’s angry or not. Makes no difference to me. Hope she’s ok though obvs.

@PikaPika

It's weird how different the responses are on this thread

I skimmed the thread but it looks like most people are telling the OP of that thread that she is BU expecting to meet the new GF.

It’s my interpretation....I was telling her how I’M reading her posts. Not you or anyone else but ME. It’s coming across TO ME that’s she’s really frustrated with the bare faced cheek of this man and I don’t feel she’s actually questioning aibu at all. Again that’s not a bad thing or necessarily correct but it’s MY feeling. I couldn’t care less if she’s angry or not. Makes no difference to me. Hope she’s ok though obvs.

Teddybear you sound so angry, you've used all capitals a few times in your post.

It may seem that way to you but you should be able to back up what you say.

😂 I’m in the bath with a cup of green tea. I’m not angry at all but I can get angry sometimes and that’s fine, it’s just an emotion like any other ☺️. Sorry I used capitals, I’d have used italics but I don’t know how you work or on the phone 🤷🏻‍♀️.

I feel no need to justify myself on this occasion.

Good luck again op!!

"Sorry to derail OP some people have no idea what dealing with a controlling ex is like."

Making assumptions much? My ex is no bloody Saint! Has been difficult, awkward and yes at times controlling in his dealings with me since we split - actually in the run up to the split too! I've been dealing with his appalling behaviour for 15 years inc non payment of maintenance. I still would in op's position have sent a text regarding a new bf.

2doubles we may have different OPINIONS on this issue - doesn't mean I'm wrong! If anything given the op KNOWS how he's likely to react to this that makes it even MORE unreasonable to have left it in the hands of a 7 year old putting a hell of a stress on a young child about whether to say or not, and potentially dealing with a father angry at the news. Better to tell him several days before dd was due to see him, ignore any controlling crap, and hopefully that means he's calmed down by the time dd sees him.

Pikapika - different respondents, mners are not Borgs, we don't all think alike.

Green tea? Yak. No wonder you’re so angry Teddy

I’m not angry, more like...bitter. That he still thinks he can have a say in my life, that he still sees me as incapable of making my own decisions regarding our DD. Maybe I should have given him a heads up and dealt with the fallout. Although I suspect his actual issue is not me having a BF, but me continuing to make independent decisions

@RogelioMyBrogelio my exh has been engaged for over a year and hasn't yet told me!! my dd's told me..

If anything given the op KNOWS how he's likely to react to this that makes it even MORE unreasonable to have left it in the hands of a 7 year old putting a hell of a stress on a young child about whether to say or not

So it’s my responsibility to ensure he doesn’t blow up at his DD and I didn’t put any stress on my DD. She doesn’t know half of what goes on with ex (mainly because I make the effort to conceal her from it all) and has no idea that he didn’t know about my BF. I picked her up tonight from dance class (where ex dropped her off) and it hasn’t been mentioned. I have no idea how the subject arose, I’m not sure if he frequently asks her if mummy has a boyfriend, or if it’s her who brought it up. Nor do I care, and I won’t ask. The conversations between DD and ex are nothing to do with me. Trust me, if she was upset about it I’d soon hear about if from ex (who’d no doubt delight in my parenting fail at upsetting my DD)

Sorry graphista I didn't see your post

No worries dona

Op that's NOT what I said, but this is an adult issue its not fair to have put her in that position. Even more so if she's ignorant of the issues surrounding it.

Graphista 2doubles we may have different OPINIONS on this issue - doesn't mean I'm wrong

You were wrong. You said "and ‘need to know’ stuff." This IS need to know, you're introducing HIS dd (not just yours) to someone who may play a significant role in her life - He doesn't 'need' to know anything about this.

He has a right to know as the dds father, not as OP's ex - Again he has no 'right' to know about OPs relationship. That's more than just your opinion., you're stating these as if they're facts.

Graphista I haven’t put her in any position. And as 2doubles said he does not have a right to know about my relationships at this stage any more than he has a right to know about a new friendship. My BF isn’t a significant person in DD’s life at the moment, he will be one day though if/when we take our relationship to the next level, which is why I thought it was about time they met and she got to know him. If we were to say move in together (loooong way off) then I wouldn’t want her moving in with someone she’d only known 2 minutes. I am still young and would like more children one day - something BF and I have discussed for the very distant future - so I also don’t want to wait years and years before she meets him and we progress our relationship

OP look up similar threads on here, but where it's a woman worrying about her ex introducing their DCs to his new girlfriend.

You will see that the overwhelming consensus is, it is up to her ex, and none of her business, and she's no right to have expected to be told.

This site is rotten with sexism and double standards. As a woman you'll be heavily criticised in the main because you didn't wait 2 years or some such to introduce your boyfriend to your child