To think I didn’t need exe’s permission to introduce DD to myself new bf?

[RogelioMyBrogelio]

I’ve been seeing my new BF for 5 months now and last weekend introduced him to my 7yo DD.

It wouldn’t have been hard!

Trust me it would have. He picked DD up from school today to take her for her tea and I knew she must have said something because I got a text simply saying “Who’s Michael?”. He wouldn’t be so polite IRL. Like I say I keep conversation to a minimum other than “DD has new eczema cream” or “She didn’t eat her lunch so may need feeding”

I think informing is the correct thing to do. I would certainly expect that from him if I was in your situation, so it goes both ways.

Blue - I honestly wouldnt care, I don’t want to know his business. If he was moving in with someone or having a baby or getting married I’d want to know but hats about it

And what if she's upset about it and tries to talk to her dad about it? It's that much harder if he has to go 'who's x?'. You're both parents, you need to communicate for the good of your child even if it means telling him stuff you don't want him to know or think is none of his business.

In a healthy, collaborative co-parenting relationship it would be good to tell your ex of yor plan. After 5 years of getting the runaround from this dickhead I wouldn't have dreamed of telling him and I would ignore his bleating.

Range I don’t give him a heads up about everything she may be upset about because he only ever uses it as a stick to beat me with. Like I say I don’t want to drip feed but I have had no choice but to keep our relationship to a ‘need to know’ basis for the sake of my sanity

5 months is plenty of time to know if a relationship is going somewhere. I think it's important to also see fairly early on how you all gel as a potential family - I think a year is quite late too be honest! Obviously all situations are different, but, in the circumstances Rogelio is describing I don't understand the shock from some of the posters about the time-frame.

OP I think perhaps if your relationship was different then a text mentioning your BF would have been fine, however, I don't think you've handled this wrong. You don't need his permission and from your latest post - now he knows, so good all round.

Bluebell that’s just it - he claims to want a healthy co-parenting relationship but is happy to pick arguments at every opportunity. He wants a good relationship where he can still be a dick to me, but I have to be as good as Gold to him.

@RomanyRoots How utterly ridiculous! A year?! That's just not logistically possible for some of us single parents!! We usually only have minimal childcare and cannot use what little free time we have, on spending time with boyfriend!

Open your mind love

^^
This

What would he have done if you had told him do you think?

Olivia knowing him like I do, probably said no, that he thinks (and he does think he is God’s gift and knows the right answer to everything) that 2 years minimum is the only acceptable timeframe for me, and that any sooner makes me a terrible mother. If I pointed out that he introduced his exes at 2 weeks he’d have said that that’s him, he has the ability to make smart choices unlike me and he’s a better judge of character (I’m not joking he would have said this).

In that case I’d just reply we’ve been together 5 months , that’s 10 times as long as the 2 weeks you and blondie were together before introducing so thought it would be fine. Sorry for any upset. And don’t look at your phone for the next 24 hours.

Ask permission? Absolutely not.

I'd have mentioned it before the event as a common courtesy though, doing otherwise just gives them more opportunity to moan about "what are you hiding" etc etc.

Well yes that’s what I’m getting now - why have I hid it, he should be making these big decisions with me, he should have met him before DD did. I see a future with BF, it’s not just a fling, to me getting the ‘OK’ from exis a bit like saying I’m not capable of being trusted or making decisions myself

Your ex sounds like a controlling dick, why people are rushing to stand up for him on this thread in the name of co-parenting boggles the mind.

Someone who introduces a GF of 2 weeks to his kids has no moral authority to dictate to OP that she must seek his permission.

OP, why doesn't he pay maintenance and have you applied to the CMS?

If he has asked for your approval twice it’s a clear sign he regards it as something important so it would have been nice to have the courtesy of at least giving a heads up.

I agree with Lost and also think I would have wanted my child to be able to talk about it with their parent aware of this big change in their life (even if you and your child see it as a good one).

If he has asked for your approval twice it’s a clear sign he regards it as something important so it would have been nice to have the courtesy of at least giving a heads up.

Who gives a shit what he regards as important when he is nasty to OP, causes arguments and refuses to pay maintenance?

Why do women have such shit standards?! I despair.

Haviana he is self employed and is clever about what he declares. If I went through the CMS he’d declare nothing. He bungs me the odd £50 every few months, he doesn’t want me to spend it on myself because bills and rent don’t count apparently (the fact I get my nails and hair done is apparently a sign I don’t spend maintenance on our DD).

I see what people mean telling him as a courtesy but he’d have just bitched at me about it - his controlling is a constant struggle and my relationship with BF is something I want to enjoy without the worry of factoring what ex thinks. I know that sounds selfish.

I’m still a bit as to why I have to introduce BF who I love as a friend though

YY Havania, he broke me down so much when we were together and after we split that I barely recognised myself. I asked his permission for everything to do with DD in the first 2 years after our split - and didn’t do anything without his say so (I wasn’t allowed to take her away to London to see family for a weekend when she was 3 because terrorism ). I did this because he made me believe I couldn’t make competent decisions on my own. The last few years I’ve realised that’s not true and I just do things now and I don’t think he likes it. This is the first BF I’ve had since ex

I thinking basic courtesy to tell a parent if another adult is going to be heavily involved in their child's life. Whether ex is a twat or not, he's the child's father and deserves to know.

(Incidently, how many threads to we get on here having a pop at non resident dads for introducing his 'new girlfriend' with mother's claiming that girlfriend shouldn't be around the kids, it's too soon after 9 months, a year etc. There is a double standard here).

Ex sounds like a massive knob. Either text back that you don’t need his permission nor his approval and don’t appreciate getting the third degree from a hypocrite who introduced his girlfriend after 2 weeks or just ignore.

Sorry OP I think I underestimated his unreasonable and very controlling nature during and after your relationship. I certainly didn't think you needed 'permission' and I see that the normal rules of engagement (a courtesy heads up both ways) wouldn't apply in an abusive co-parenting relationship. In light of your updates, I'm thinking you still doubt your decision making and your self esteem still needs a bit of work (I mean this in the nicest possible way). Have you done the freedom programme?

maisy heavily involved? I've been with my OH for over 3 years. We've been on holiday as two families and he's nice to my kids. He's not heavily involved with them and I'm sure there are plenty of posters who manage to have serious relationships without heavily involving them in day to day life changing decisions where children are involved.
You are right about double standards though. Men can move on but women have to hide their 'friend' for at least a year