Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I didn’t need exe’s permission to introduce DD to myself new bf?

120 replies

RogelioMyBrogelio · 03/10/2018 16:09

I’ve been seeing my new BF for 5 months now and last weekend introduced him to my 7yo DD.

OP posts:
OliviaStabler · 03/10/2018 18:43

@RogelioMyBrogelio If I hadn't heard the answer to my question you kindly provided then I would have said it was courtesy to let him know but it is clear that he would use it as a weapon and created further drama. Nothing would have been gained as he couldn't have been grown up about it.

I completely get why you did what you did. Good luck with your new man.

MaisyPops · 03/10/2018 18:44

donajimena
I don't doubt some people do have committed relationships without going down the route of 'new partner - move in - play happy families'.

But I do feel like there should simple principles for men and women:

  1. Not introducing children to new partners until you've actually proven you're going to be long term and stable and not going yo be in make up break up, hot and cold, rollercoaster stuff
  2. Tell the child's other parent before introducing your new partner to the kids so everyone is on the same page

Two simple principles. I don't get what is gained by introducing children to the latest forever person or keeping the details about other adults in the child's life from their parent.
(Not saying the OP is doing that).

RangeRider · 03/10/2018 18:58

Your ex sounds like a controlling dick, why people are rushing to stand up for him on this thread in the name of co-parenting boggles the mind.
Because OP has a 7yo who should come before anyone else in the situation. It doesn't take a long conversation with ex, just a text to say 'I'm introducing DD to BF this weekend just so you're aware if she says anything'. If he gets arsey or whatever you can ignore it - you're an adult and you can delete a text. But DD is just 7 and she needs both her parents co-operating so that means you both have to be civil when needs be and provide key info. Meeting a new partner is key info.

7salmonswimming · 03/10/2018 18:59

You don’t need his permission to move on with your life. Of course you don’t.

Your DD is your and your ex’s life. Introducing a BF to your joint DD is a part of her life, and given she’s only 7yo and needs guidance, part of your ex’s life. You don’t need his permission, but for the sake of cordial relations between co-parents for your DD’s sake, letting him know this was going to happen would have been good. Ignore his replies. The fact he’s a dick doesn’t change this.

Finally, I’m also of the view that 5 months of being with someone doesn’t mean they’re ‘in your life’ from the perspective of introducing to your 7yo. What’s the hurry?

TheBigFatMermaid · 03/10/2018 19:01

he’d have said that that’s him, he has the ability to make smart choices unlike me and he’s a better judge of character (I’m not joking he would have said this).

I think you would have to agree with him on this one, after all, you chose to be with him and he chose to be with you. [grin[

You just need to get on with your life as best you can, while trying to minimise the effect is dickishness has on you and your DC, YWNBU!

IndieTara · 03/10/2018 19:01

Ah the old double standards. My XH is the same. Apparently I'm not allowed to introduce any new man to DD because it's a man and therefore likely to be a paedophile ( his belief not mine ) but it's ok for him to introduce his GF to DD after a month and have sleepovers there because it's a woman and therefore safe...

timeisnotaline · 03/10/2018 19:04

I guess just reply I choose who I have a relationship with and ignore?
It sounds like you have come a long way. Truly not caring what he thinks is the next step :)

Havaina · 03/10/2018 19:05

@RangeRider

But DD is just 7 and she needs both her parents co-operating so that means you both have to be civil when needs be and provide key info. Meeting a new partner is key info.

Be civil to a man who deprives DD of child maintenance and who would declare no income to get out of paying minimum CM which is hardly anything?

Tell me, why does co-operating for the sake of DC usually mean the woman bending over backwards while the man treats her like shot?

Do you really think such a man will be sensitive to DD's needs even if OP had given him a heads up about her new BF?

I think that's delusional.

LilMy33 · 03/10/2018 19:10

You don’t need his permission, he’s being ridiculous. Depending on how well you get on now it might have been nice to mention it I suppose. I didn’t tell my ex before they met my new partner for the first time but my ex is an abusive arse and would have tried his best to wreck it for everyone. By the same token I don’t give a fuck if he introduces a new girlfriend/victim of his to the children and would simply deal with any fallout from that. I’m sure he would tell me though he wants me to know this stuff because he’s desperate for me to care.

RangeRider · 03/10/2018 19:12

Be civil to a man who deprives DD of child maintenance and who would declare no income to get out of paying minimum CM which is hardly anything?
I said be civil 'when needs be' so yes, be civil when it requires giving him info that he needs to know because it affects DD's life. So one civil text for a head's up. If he then gets shitty about it OP can delete his texts & ignore him, which would be the best response anyway because he probably wants a reaction. If he deprives OP of money then she do what's necessary to resolve it, whether that's going to court or popping round with a baseball bat. But while DD is young then her needs must come first (in my opinion) and if that involves OP biting her tongue then so be it. It's a sacrifice you make if you want to have kids.

Havaina · 03/10/2018 19:13

YY Havania, he broke me down so much when we were together and after we split that I barely recognised myself. I asked his permission for everything to do with DD in the first 2 years after our split - and didn’t do anything without his say so (I wasn’t allowed to take her away to London to see family for a weekend when she was 3 because terrorism hmm).

And that's exactly it, OP, it's about control for him. He's not coming from a place of genuine concern for his DD. You've dared to step out of line and he's seething. If he were concerned for his DD, he would never have introduced a GF of 2 weeks to her. I suspect asking your permission was meaningless, he would have introduced his GF anyway.

I did this because he made me believe I couldn’t make competent decisions on my own. The last few years I’ve realised that’s not true and I just do things now and I don’t think he likes it. This is the first BF I’ve had since ex

I agree with timeisnotaline, you've come a long way. I would speak to a solicitor about the CM, it's unfair that he gets away with bunging you £50 every few months.

RangeRider · 03/10/2018 19:13

Do you really think such a man will be sensitive to DD's needs even if OP had given him a heads up about her new BF?
I would hope that he would. She's his DD not his wife / ex. Big difference. Fruit of his loins and all that. Proof of his masculinity.

2doubles · 03/10/2018 19:23

YANBU - Your ex is only kicking off because he wants to still control you. Is this your first relationship since you split? If not, how did he react to previous boyfriend(s)? You owe him nothing.

My DHs ex moved her boyfriend into her and the kids' house and DH didn't even know she had a boyfriend. Not a damn thing he could say or do, it's her business...even though she demanded to meet me when we first metGrin.

Graphista · 03/10/2018 19:24

In all honesty?

Telling ex before as a courtesy, particularly as he offered you that courtesy would've been the right thing to do, not only in terms of your co-parenting relationship with your ex but because essentially leaving it to a 7 year old is unfair to your daughter.

Also I personally think 5 months is too soon. 6 months absolute minimum, 1 year better - as you don't know until the Rose tinted specs effect (various biochemical a early in a relationship + psychological factors) if the relationship is likely to last and that takes at least a year. The fact you're still referring to him as 'new' boyfriend also suggests you're still very much in early relationship mode.

How long was he dating the gf he introduced dd to? Wow! 2 weeks is WAY out of order!

"and ‘need to know’ stuff." This IS need to know, you're introducing HIS dd (not just yours) to someone who may play a significant role in her life, he has a right to be given a heads up on that, not least so he can properly deal with any issues that may arise either with you or dd.

Non payment of maintenance is a separate issue, but I appreciate it is frustrating (been there). Have you tried through cms? Ah self employed (they really need to tighten that loophole) in some cases you can request that they check with income tax dept re declared income, possibly that they investigate that his lifestyle is commensurate with his supposed income.

Rebecca36 · 03/10/2018 19:27

I understand how your ex feels. It wouldn't have hurt you to tell him you were planning to introduce boyfriend to child and five months is nothing. Is this going to be a real deal or just a boyfriend? That's relevant when introducing kids.

2doubles · 03/10/2018 19:31

"and ‘need to know’ stuff." This IS need to know, you're introducing HIS dd (not just yours) to someone who may play a significant role in her life, he has a right to be given a heads up on that

No he doesn't have a right to know. He has treated OP like shit for 5 years, she owes him nothing. He can't even be arsed to pay maintenance for his DD, he's a complete arsehole.

Graphista · 03/10/2018 19:33

Maintenance is a COMPLETELY separate issue. He has a right to know as the dds father, not as OP's ex.

Havaina · 03/10/2018 19:37

When you treat the child's mother like shit the you lose the right to know about who the child's mother is dating.

People are posting as if the ex is a reasonable person who would appreciate the courtesy. Normal rules of courtesy go out of the window when you're dealing with someone abusive. The more you give, the more he will demand.

Original poster
RogelioMyBrogelio · 03/10/2018 19:38

Because OP has a 7yo who should come before anyone else in the situation

My DD does come first - not gaining my ex’s opinion of her meeting my new BF isn’t putting me first. I’m in a place now where I believe my judgement is enough

It doesn't take a long conversation with ex, just a text to say 'I'm introducing DD to BF this weekend just so you're aware if she says anything'.

As I’ve explained already it isn’t a simple task. It didn’t even occur to me to ask him, but maybe if he wasn’t so unreasonable it would have

OP posts:
MaisyPops · 03/10/2018 19:38

Your DD is your and your ex’s life. Introducing a BF to your joint DD is a part of her life, and given she’s only 7yo and needs guidance, part of your ex’s life. You don’t need his permission, but for the sake of cordial relations between co-parents for your DD’s sake, letting him know this was going to happen would have been good. Ignore his replies. The fact he’s a dick doesn’t change this
This. Completely.

Original poster
RogelioMyBrogelio · 03/10/2018 19:39

And to clarify my BF isn’t heavily involved, we have nothing else planned and I want to take it slow, as does he.

OP posts:
Original poster
RogelioMyBrogelio · 03/10/2018 19:42

What’s the hurry?

I’m in love, I’m happy and want the two people who make me happiest to meet one another. I’m very confident we have a strong future, so why not? (Don’t mean that flippantly). And as a PP pointed out it’s hard to have a relationship when you have a child 12 nights out of 14. I’d like to see him more and for him to get to know DD and vice versa

OP posts:
Original poster
RogelioMyBrogelio · 03/10/2018 19:44

Tell me, why does co-operating for the sake of DC usually mean the woman bending over backwards while the man treats her like shot?

Yep, thank you Havania it’s nice to know it’s not just me who sees this

OP posts:
BlueBug45 · 03/10/2018 19:56

OP you did nothing wrong.

You do not need to ask your ex permission to introduce your bf to your daughter. You are a competent adult, and he has no control over and right to have control over what you do/get up to/etc when you are parenting your daughter.

Those saying you have to wait a year and/or tell your ex in advance live in cloud cuckcoo land. No one I know who is/has been a single parent with a child or children has ever done this. Instead children are frequently used to decide whether the new partner is going to stay and possibly become their step-parent. Some of my friends' like winding their step-parent up about this.

MaisyPops · 03/10/2018 20:02

RogelioMyBrogelio
I don't think it's about the woman bending over.
I think both parents have a basic responsibility to communicate with regards to their child and new partners in the child's life is one of those things.

Nobody needs permission to introduce their new partner to their children.
(though interestingly there's another thread where a woman is asking about her ex introducing to a new girlfriend and some people are telling her she's well within her rights to want to meet the new partner and as a mum she has every right to want to know who her child sees etc)