To worry there is something seriously wrong with my DD

[celticcow]

She's always been a 'worrier' and never really had any friends, but it's got to the stage now (at age 14) that I just don't know what to do. She is petrified of speaking to people, says she's even scared of talking to the few friends she does have.

She's a really bright girl and puts a lot of pressure on herself - which I am constantly telling her is not necessary. I always support her and let her know I am here to help, and that no one can be expected to be good at everything all the time. I've never know anyone who is so good at pretty much anything she turns her hand to have so little self confidence.

She has always seen herself as 'weird' and I've told her that different is ok, and that not everyone has tons of friends, but she is so down about being 'a loner'.

This newish phase of being scared of everything has thrown me, AIBU to think there is more to this and she needs professional help?

This is prob going to sound a weird question but has she got too much time on her hands and fills it with worrying?

Blame, Probably the opposite actually. She does a lot of clubs & a couple of sports.

Over the years I've made sure she's busy with things to do to make up for not having friends to hang out with

Hi I’m so sorry your daughter is feeling this way. I urge you to get her some counselling or even hypnotherapy. Sounds like she may have social anxiety which can seriously impact on your life (I speak with experience). If you can afford to get her some counselling or speak to the school they may have a counsellor or your gp who may suggest something/someone. Social anxiety is a fear of being judged and or criticised by another person or persons.

Social anxiety was what I was thinking. Unfortunately in a couple of the activities she's got involved with to have fun & make new friends, she's progressed to the stage where she is put above her peer group with older girls, who are lovely but DD gets very stressed - the very thing I did to help her seems to be hindering her

Can you scale down on the activities ? If she does have SA these would be causing anxiety. Being with older girls and maybe not “getting things” in the same way the older girls donpossibly might be causing her to be very self conscious - has she said there has been a particular incident at all?

You need to please speak to your doctor, she might need some professional help to resolve her issues and better to do it now than it get worse and her struggle as an adult. Have you considered if she is masking Aspergers?

What she said

Changes needed. It all sounds so intense - can you cut back on all of the activities and replace with less pressured ways of spending time?

Does she have brothers and sisters? Pets? Time with extended family? How does she relax?

Your daughter sounds just like I was at that age. Bright, self-inflicted pressure to be perfect, feeling like an outsider, struggling to socialise even with my own friends.

GP was thinking social anxiety like pp say and they really focused in on this - they felt it was a phase I’d grow out of.

After a crisis I was referred to CAMHS who diagnosed Autism.

So I’d say try and get a camhs referral if possible as they are the experts and you should get ahead of this before it snowballs.

Most GP’s don’t have the training or experience to pick up on underlying conditions like high functioning autism.

Try to ask her when she first started feeling like this and was there anything particular that promoted these feelings and if she doesn’t want to talk - seek a counsellor. I wish someone had done that for me at that age and my life may have been different x

Can you talk to her about social anxiety or possible introversion? It helped me so much to find out that I wasn't a 'weird loner,' but extremely introverted.

I was much happier once I learned that about myself and understand how it affected my energy levels and need to alone to recharge etc.

Does she definitely want more friends? I only say this because I found the pressure to 'have friends' was awful.

I'm projecting here, I know, but only to throw some thoughts out there - I identify a bit with your description of your daughter at that age.

Oh dear, try to get help quickly as it's so awful once it's ingrained. We are 5 years in now and started at 14. I wouldn't wait for CAMHS just go private if you can possibly afford it. Hypnotherapy and medication are working here. I can recommend a hypnotherapist who does a personalised recording and is a specialist with SA and teens if you like

Not a professional but I was a very shy teen/young adult. I think it's incredibly common at this age to go through a very shy and socially awkward phase yet most (although not all) shy teens grow up to be socially fine adults. So I wouldn't be rushing to diagnose her with a clinical disorder or anything but that doesn't mean that some professional help (maybe counselling) wouldn't be helpful to her if she's up for it - after all you don't have to have anything 'wrong' with you to benefit from counselling.

One thing that really helped me get through this phase was coming to the understanding that social interactions, and making/keeping friends is a life skill. Like many skills (riding a bike or speaking another language or whatever), it comes very naturally to some people so they barely seem to need to learn it, whereas others need much more time, but nearly everyone can improve through trial and error and practice. Thinking in this way helped me to see I wasn't fundamentally 'weird' or inherantly the sort of person who wouldn't ever have friends, I just needed to start to do the things which would help me meet people and make friends.

Perhaps just through gentle guidance and conversation you can help her to understand and then start to put into practice very basic things like how to start a conversation with someone you don't know well, how to make light/small talk, how to listen and show interest in someone without overdoing it etc etc. I used to get quite disheartened when despite making what was (for me!) a huge effort to talk to someone (to an outsider I was probably still seeming very quiet and stand-offish btw!) they weren't instantly then 'friends' with me, so perhaps again emphasising that just being able to make some light chit chat with someone at an activity or having a quick catch up in the lunch queue is all still evidence that she's perfectly 'normal' and doesn't need to worry?

Apologies if this is completely off mark and not at all helpful, but just some things that helped me!

She can do CBT online courses that might help her.
It sounds as if being with the older girls is really not helping her. Sounds like she needs to do activities that are far more relaxed, or silly. Mindfulness might help? Also play silly games with her.
I think this is a really difficult age. I would tell her that and tell her it will get better. At this age it is easy to think everyone else has things sorted, and they really don't. Don't let her not talk to people, as that can make things worse. But do let her also have a bit of time on her own.
Its so hard because the chances are this is a phase that she will get through. But it also might not be.
Also writing angsty poetry is a good outlet for many teenagers, or keeping a diary. Writing down your thoughts is a recognised way to deal with negative thoughts.

Depends on your DD, but doing role plays of how to deal with different things might also help.

Online CBT helps with destructive thoughts. It is a good first port of call as she would not have to deal with talking to a person about how she feels.

Is there a particular resource for online CBT?

Celtic good you are on to this straight away, I'd take advice from the Young Minds parents helpline, great resource:

youngminds.org.uk

Both my DDs have had issues, oldest one is now 17 and is very like your DD I always keep an eye on her.

As others have said please speak to your GP and try to get a referral to CAMHS. or if you can afford it see a Child Psychologist privately. To find one just google Child Psychologist and you’re sure to find one near you (NHS cuts means lots more going private).

Op is there any chance at all she is getting bullied or teased?...it's just your daughter sounds alot like me at that age, I was the same, I wouldn't speak in class and felt too anxious to speak to friends or anyone...

When I left that school my confidence came back, and so did my voice (being able to speak out)..

online CBT

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/drugs-and-treatments/cognitive-behavioural-therapy-cbt/cbt-sessions/#.W7QfyOhKjIU

Thank you all so much for your replies, all very helpful. She does talk to me a lot which I'm grateful for. At least I know how she's feeling and can be there for her.
I know girls can be tricky at this age, and I don't think she's being bullied as such, but she does feel excluded for a lot of stuff. But to be fair (and she admits this) when there's another party she's not invited to or people she thought were her friends arrange something she's not included in, she'll moan, but say she wouldn't want to go anyway? as she hates parties, or that shopping is boring etc. Not sure if this is a defence mechanism or whether she happily accepts she's just not into the same stuff as others.
I'll keep talking to her, probably cut down on one of the activities and see if she'll speak to someone at school.

I would definitely second the cbt suggestion. Do you think she could have asd? Often girls who present with social anxiety and depression have an underlying cause. I would definitely try to secure her some therapy with someone who specialises is anxiety in teenage girls.

Aside from asd she also matches the description of a 'high learning potential' child so you could also look for information from that angle too.

I think the social pressures on teenagers are immense these days. Is your dd on any social media - if so it might be worth having discussions restricting the amount of time she goes on them, as (imo!) they are likely to fuel rather than help with the anxiety overall.

DD sounds as though she may be the type who needs 'downtime' and perhaps not to be too busy - though having said that I think outside school activities are really invaluable if you're not part of a 'crowd' at school. So I would definitely keep up with the ones she is most interested in, and keep up a sport as well - it is so useful for boosting mood, providing a ready made social activity throughout life, and so on.

Feeling excluded from social things is horrible (even if you didn't want to go to them!). There is no easy solution to this, sadly. Easy to say drop the friends who exclude you but not easy to do if it means you then don't have any! Do you think your dd is outgrowing her current friends? (or perhaps more likely, vice versa - there is a phase when many teenage girls grow 'older' and a few get left behind for a while as they are not particularly into the new pursuits (clothes shopping etc). That can be very upsetting for the ones left behind.) If so it might be worth suggesting that she looks about for school clubs where she may meet likeminded people who are into her interests?