To worry there is something seriously wrong with my DD

[celticcow]

She's always been a 'worrier' and never really had any friends, but it's got to the stage now (at age 14) that I just don't know what to do. She is petrified of speaking to people, says she's even scared of talking to the few friends she does have.

She's a really bright girl and puts a lot of pressure on herself - which I am constantly telling her is not necessary. I always support her and let her know I am here to help, and that no one can be expected to be good at everything all the time. I've never know anyone who is so good at pretty much anything she turns her hand to have so little self confidence.

She has always seen herself as 'weird' and I've told her that different is ok, and that not everyone has tons of friends, but she is so down about being 'a loner'.

This newish phase of being scared of everything has thrown me, AIBU to think there is more to this and she needs professional help?

OP - do you think she could be autistic?

If she is at a level in her sport where she's having sports psychology, perhaps it's time to cut down on it? That sounds far too intense for an anxious child. Is there anything that she enjoys but doesn't have to be the best at? Singing? Swimming? My anxious middle dd does both of these and they really help her to relax.

Does she have to be bloody autistic fgs perhaps she's an anxious perfectionist. No need to assume autism!

Miladymilord

Lots of girls with autism are anxious and perfectionistic and it's massively under diagnosed in girls. Nobody can say categorically what is or isn't wrong with OP's DD but ASD is a perfectly sensible avenue for OP to explore.

Surely the majority of anxious perfectionists are not autistic though?

Miladymilord - but there’s some pointers in what OPs describing towards autism.

E.g become obsessed with the ‘triggers’ identified by her sports psychologist, not feeling able to connect emotionally with her own friends.

If she does have autism, getting a diagnosis and support could be transformational for her. If she doesn’t, she hasn’t lost anything by considering it. It’s massively under diagnosed in girls, who tend to ‘mask’ their way through primary and early secondary, until the social expectations become so complex they can’t anymore, which can lead to breakdowns/loss of functioning.

Why are you so against it being considered?

Sputnikbear if you google adult autism diagnostic pathway and the name of your area, there should be info on how to get assessed for autism as an adult.

"how on earth they can be so skinny when all they eat is 'crap'!"

"She doesn't suffer fools gladly"

Does she come across as arrogant and competitive? This might mean friendships will only go so far.

Why are you so against it being considered?

Because its literally the first thing that gets suggested on here whenever a dd suffers with anxiety. I'm sure the OP will consider it if she thinks it's appropriate. Nothing she's said screams autism to me.

She used to do 2 sports - one we have recently given up, its early days settling into her new routine without it so maybe that is making her think about stuff more.

I don't think she's autistic, but I definitely think it's anxiety.

Are you aware of the presentation of autism in teenage girls, and how differently it presents from boys?

Because the OPs post absolutely scream autism to me.

She may have it, may not. But it certainly isn't a far fetched thought in this case.

What does she do for fun?

Milady, I complete agree with you that she is judgemental of her peers, which I'm sure has an effect on friendships. I've discussed this with her, and I will continue to, as I know it's not a great personality trait to have.

Yes this screams autism to me to.

I don't think she's autistic, but I definitely think it's anxiety

Anxiety is the driver behind many autistic behaviours.
I'd agree that from what the OP has posted, it's not something to be dismissed without investigation by someone who knows about autism presentation in women.

Don't get me wrong she has lots of fun, sees the few friends she has, cinema, TV, crafts, loves her pets, chilling on her own etc

www.highspeedtraining.co.uk/hub/autism-females/
In case anyone is interested:

Autistic Female Behaviours
Additionally, autistic females may display the following behaviours:

Autistic females tend to be more aware of the need to socialise. Even if they lack the skills to interact, autistic girls often copy what their peers do and mimic the skills needed for social interaction. Autistic girls often won’t initiate social contact but can quite easily ‘go through the motions’ of how they’re expected to behave.

Autistic females tend to use their words carefully. Rather than making meaningless comments, autistic girls will use their words with purpose and will not use small talk to initiate communication.

Autistic females often create an elaborate fantasy world. Much like an autistic boy would develop strong, specialist interests, an autistic girl may develop a vivid imaginary world or take great joy in escaping into fiction.

Autistic females may have trouble understanding status. It’s common for autistic girls to misunderstand the social hierarchy and be unaware of how to communicate with people of different status. This can also cause girls to become anxious or hostile if they don’t understand why fellow peers are more popular than they are.

Autistic females are more likely to experience high rates of depression and anxiety. Beginning in their teenage years, there’s evidence to suggest that autistic girls commonly develop mental health issues, including depression, anxiety and eating disorders. Staff at eating disorder clinics in Birmingham recently discovered that 60-70% of the women in their twenties attending the clinic were undiagnosed autistic women.

Autistic females often have fewer friends. Particularly in their teenage years, autistic girls are often isolated or have fewer friends than other girls in their peer group. This is linked to the difficulty that autistic women experience with communication and interaction.

Autistic females find teenage life particularly stressful. Whilst any teenager can have trouble coping with their adolescent years, autistic girls are likely to struggle even more as they get to grips with their sexuality, relationships and puberty. These events can be challenging to understand and there’s unfortunately very little guidance out there to help.

I'm not being mean about her OP because I have a dd who used to do that a lot too. She was judgemental and a bit arrogant, I think to cover up insecurity. I know you say she's mature but actually with my own dd it was a sign of immaturity, as she grew up she got better at it and less judgemental! She's now extremely social but most of all loves being at home or riding her horse.

I was exactly like this, as a teen. Is there any possibility your DD. might have Aspergers as an underlying condition? I was diagnosed as an adult but was told that my difficulties as a teen were typical of a high functioning Aspie. I was academically ok but excelled in artistically and won a scholarship to develope this talent. I always felt weird however; I just didn’t “get” others and they didn’t “fit” with me. I was ok at school because we were all studying intensely for the same thing but at home and in the holidays (it was a boarding school) I really struggled. People thought me aloof but now, with hindsight I can see that I was struggling to function in the “usual” way and distanced myself as a way of surviving. Besides, I was always very happy in my own company.

With a diagnosis, often comes relief. I’m not odd but I am different and I can stop beating myself up for the way I see and function in relation to others.

Should add: I’m very happily married, have a child, have a career in a professional capacity and have a small number of friends. 😊

Well, that’ll teach ME to read the full thread..... Asd as a possibility seems to have occurred to many people.

My daughter is 15 and exactly the same, and I’d really like to thank everyone on here who’s suggested CBT and Hypnotherapy, I’ll try that with my DD next.

Last week on the advice of the School councillors I took my DD to the GP, as her anxiety was escalating - intrusive thoughts, suicidal thoughts, not sleeping, crying, school avoidance and being scared to talk to her friends etc. Explained all of that to the GP, and she actually said in front of DD ‘well what do you want me to do about it?’ in a completely dismissive tone, and offered no advice. Of course DD doesn’t want to go anywhere near a GP again now.

If she's struggling with anxiety, Spending time with older girls whose emotional & social development is further on isn't a good idea. I was an anxious child & I found girls just a couple of years older terrifying. I'd get CBT for Dummies. It's easy to follow & will give her coping strategies for anxiety & negative thoughts. Oh, and putting me in evermore social situations made me more anxious, it was like suddenly that was all that mattered & I felt swamped, overwhelmed & defeated.

Another one recognising myself in your DD here, also diagnosed with ASD as an adult.

What helped me a lot to find my feet was to engage in hobbies where I could connect to other people primarily intellectually, not socially. Science rather than sports.
Figuring out social interactions are a learned skill.
Finding my "tribe" of similar people through shared interests, mostly online.

Off topic but that is a fascinating observation that autistic females may have problems understanding status. School friendship groups, and individual school friendships, are very driven by status, so it is very useful to be able to sense instinctively where your group lies. Aiming for medium or high status friends when you are low status is likely to fail because they will not want to risk their own status by associating with you. (Sounds cynical and horrible I know! Much of it is subconscious I think, although not all of it.)

Though anyway op it sounds as though your dd is not low status - she's respected, sporty, and sees her friends. So that was a bit off-thread - sorry! You are doing all the right things, telling her that different is ok, it takes a while to find true friends, maybe tone down the judgmental side a bit (thought tbh some very judgmental people seems to have lots of friends - but yes the safer thing is not to be!)

I would start with the school pastoral people - they can suggest what to do, and may even have their own insights into dd as they have a chance to see her at school, 'in action'.

I was exactly like this and in complete honesty it ruined my life until I was well into my thirties. I’ve had a lifetime of depression, suicide attempts and eating disorders - GET HELP FOR HER as soon as you can and show her how seriously you take it. Be patient with her. Never lapse into exasperation when she can’t do simple things. Easier said than done, I know!

For me the problem was a) no-one took it seriously so I never had much treatment and b) I suspect both my parents are autistic and they are VERY strange (also very negligent), so I never had anyone to model/explain “normal” behaviour to me. Looking back, just having someone talk about what is and isn’t expected in different social situations and demonstrate it for me would have helped so much.

Obviously, I may have undiagnosed ASD. The anxiety still limits my life but what stopped making it crippling was finally learning to mimic expected social behaviours in most situations. This is something I taught myself, but it took decades and I’m sure therapy would have got me there sooner.