To worry there is something seriously wrong with my DD

[celticcow]

She's always been a 'worrier' and never really had any friends, but it's got to the stage now (at age 14) that I just don't know what to do. She is petrified of speaking to people, says she's even scared of talking to the few friends she does have.

She's a really bright girl and puts a lot of pressure on herself - which I am constantly telling her is not necessary. I always support her and let her know I am here to help, and that no one can be expected to be good at everything all the time. I've never know anyone who is so good at pretty much anything she turns her hand to have so little self confidence.

She has always seen herself as 'weird' and I've told her that different is ok, and that not everyone has tons of friends, but she is so down about being 'a loner'.

This newish phase of being scared of everything has thrown me, AIBU to think there is more to this and she needs professional help?

It’s great you want to help her and I agree with seeking advice. May I ask, does she eat properly?

I’m probably projecting and really hope I am but my daughter is like yours and has full blown anorexia now, it took a long time to become apparant so just thought I’d ask about your daughters eating habits. Hopefully I’m way off though.

Re eating / exercise her activities are both sports, so she's physically active and conscious of nutrition etc - she's very tall and athletic, but she isn't the slim (bordering on skinny) build of a lot of girls at school, she does comment on how on earth they can be so skinny when all they eat is 'crap'!! I don't think an eating disorder is a worry for her, as this is the one thing she's really quite sensible / aware / happy with. She knows athletes have to eat well and she does.

She sounds similar to my 14 year old dd who has Aspergers, she does have a couple of friends but really struggle to make new ones, she gets really anxious if she has to talk in front of people although she is very bright and well spoken.

.... and as far as outgrowing friends, she has always been very mature for her age. She doesn't suffer fools gladly, and in the past not being invited to stuff hasn't bothered her because of this.

I think she's quite 'respected' at school IYKWIM and lots of people like her but they never get past that stage. I've always told her that's the way it s sometimes, and it takes everyone a while to find their 'tribe'.
She seems happy this morning so fingers crossed for a good day

She could have high functioning autism. Perfectionist, socially anxious, no friends etc

It presents differently in girls. They can socially mask but begin to really struggle as they enter their teens.

Sounds like ASD to me. Especially the struggling to socialise with her own friends part

OP, I think its best to go to GP to discuss this? Also does your school have a counselling service or a SEN department? If yes then you can try and organise some assessments and counselling sessions.
It may simply be the case that your daughter finds the other girls not quite her people, so even when in a group feels very different and over time this has slowly chipped away at her confidence and given her anxiety. But you won't know until you get some outside help and assessment.
Good luck. I know that this can be heart breaking.

Bless, this is what I've always thought was the case, that she hadn't really found her place yet, and that was how I always dealt with it. I do think it's wearing her down now, hence the extra anxiety. Her school do have good pastoral care, so I'll speak to her later to see if she'd be happy to talk to them.

She sounds exactly like I was at that age. I'd get her a counsellor (I'm only just starting this now and I regret not starting when I was 13/14)

I was similar at this age in terms of shyness and friends. One thing that really helped me was drama club, it makes you come out of your shell and it's full of people who are a little weird!

Although you mentioned she's doing lots of clubs so this may not help her.

One other thing that helped me was working in a job where I had to really talk to people (fundraising). Perhaps a volunteer role?

My cousin is also very shy, she came out of her shell once she worked with the elderly and has really blossomed now (at 19), she is still working with them. She also found a church group really helped her.

She sounds very like me at that age. My autism wasn’t diagnosed until I was in my 40’s. I’d recommend getting her assessed, OP. It’s a great relief to have a diagnosis, rather than just feel one is failing at basic social skills that others take for granted. And it provides access to counselling and help with adjustments to make life easier. My DD was diagnosed as a young teen, and she now has full support from Occupational Health at work, an adapted environment, a room to withdraw to if stressed, and her colleagues trained in autism support. She now volunteers to help others with autism, and is much more socially confident.

I was your DD. Except we didn’t have any money for me to do extra curricular activities so I was just isolated. I struggled (and still struggle) because I’m intelligent, introverted and don’t really have the same interests as most people, so nobody particularly wants to be my friend. I guess we just don’t have anything in common. I find social situations very stressful because I don’t “click” with anyone, and I’m uncomfortably aware that I’m on the sidelines and nobody would really care if I wasn’t there.

At school I would isolate myself so as not to inconvenience people because I knew I wasn’t wanted, and it was less painful to just accept that and be alone than it was to constantly try to force myself in and feel unwanted. Are your DD’s friends good/close? Or is she on the sidelines? She might benefit from help with finding actual friends that she has something in common with?

@babdoc How did you get diagnosed as an adult? My GP couldn’t care less about me being isolated - he just said I’m depressed.

Does she have any solutions herself for her situation?
Have you asked her what she thinks might help?
If she is already feeling isolated and friendless (and thereby potentially powerless) then she needs to feel like she can take some power back - not hand it all over to adults shuttling her off to CBT, CAMHS etc.

She may need more time to chill out alone. For people with social anxiety, being sociable can be quite draining. Give her a day when she has nothing on if possible, just to be.

I think I would be looking for some outside support, tbh - she sounds at risk of anxiety-related mental health issues, and from what you say has always felt an oddball outsider (and high functioining asd is a possibility). Finding her groups where she can meet like minded people has not resulted in more friendships, as she has focused on activity perfection, not relationship forming. Tbh, I think she now realises she is a bit trapped in this role of high achieving perfectionist who can do and say no wrong, and that it is a lonely place to be, because people may admire you from a distance but won't get close to you (and part of your image is that you don't need other people, anyway), and if you show your frail, human side to them, you risk falling off your pedestal and having nothing left to define you except fear, failure and fear of further rejection. It feels safer not to risk letting people see you are feeling left out and unloved, and pretending that you are uninterested in their social lives, but then that doesn't cure the loneliness or fear that you have not learned how to be friends with others, anyway. And now she is 14, social arrangements are being made right in front of her much more, not through parents, so she will be realising quite how much she is excluded from in a way she did not have to experience before. She is a bit trapped and needs some help to negotiate her way off her lonely pedestal safely!

She sounds like me. Could you suggest she does the Myers Briggs and Enneagram tests on line?

She could just have a distinct personality type. I am an INFJ and found it extremely comforting to read about my personality type. I realised I'm not weird after all.

I was like this as a teen. My parents threw me into all sorts of activities and it made it all so much worse. I just had no friends and terrible anxiety for lots of reasons instead of just school

Btw, it is not at all weird not to feel the need for a large friendship group. I don't think it is healthy, though, to feel unable even to talk to people you count as friends.

I was like this as a teen and I’ve been diagnosed with ASD as an adult. I knew from a young age I was viewed as ‘G&T’ - did extra work at school etc but by the time I’d hit year 9 I was struggling academically compared to my peers. Very frustrating when you know you’re intelligent but grades don’t reflect it (was diagnosed with dyslexia at uni).

The older I got, the harder I found the social normalities of life. Kids say what they mean. Teenagers moving into adulthood are far more complex. I’m much happier since I’ve been diagnosed. I understand ‘me’ better.

Have a look at Tania Marshall’s blog here and here
to see if it rings any bells with your DD. Reading this was what made me realise I had ASD, I self-referred to be assessed.

Has she read Hermann Hesse? He describes the feeling of being and outsider very well and one sees that it is happening to other people too. I was lucky that I had one best friend at school (another outsider) and then social contacts in sport/school but as your daughter I was often in the older age group and I was not interested in shopping, clothes, parties. When I studied at Oxford for my graduate studies it was the first time that I met lots of people from different countries with similar experiences. If she is interested and can find a maths or physics course she will meet lots of people like her! To me it was very important that my mum always insisted I was completely normal to have worries, that it was actually nice to have time when one does not have to talk to other people and also completely okay not to like shopping and loud parties.

I second the suggestions for proper counselling.

But as a fellow anxious perfectionist I found this book very helpful. It's got CBT-based activities: www.amazon.co.uk/When-Perfect-Isnt-Good-Enough/dp/157224559X?tag=mumsnetforum-21

Plus the Headspace app for mindfulness: www.headspace.com

Another woman popping in to say that she sounds exactly like me at her age, and I turned out to be autistic.

But I did have a raging case of social anxiety on top. It got so bad I couldn't even speak to answer the register at one point.

It sounds like she really needs some extra support, before it gets any worse.

Thank you all for your replies, I will look into the things you have suggested. Roundabout - what you have said is so very true with DD.

I'm a bit wary of actual therapy with her, only because she has had a few sports psychology sessions in the past, and they made her so hyper aware of common trigger points / emotional responses that she was better off before the sessions

My little sister was exactly as you’ve described your DD - smart, beautiful and talented but crippled by anxiety and worry about others judging her.

Unfortunately it got worse when she left home and achieved a prestigious position at a leading bank.

She ended up developing an eating disorder and having a full nervous breakdown which led to her being committed. She found medication and CBT very helpful, it took her 3 years to recover fully.

I would suggest you either try counselling yourself or for you DD.