To worry there is something seriously wrong with my DD

[celticcow]

She's always been a 'worrier' and never really had any friends, but it's got to the stage now (at age 14) that I just don't know what to do. She is petrified of speaking to people, says she's even scared of talking to the few friends she does have.

She's a really bright girl and puts a lot of pressure on herself - which I am constantly telling her is not necessary. I always support her and let her know I am here to help, and that no one can be expected to be good at everything all the time. I've never know anyone who is so good at pretty much anything she turns her hand to have so little self confidence.

She has always seen herself as 'weird' and I've told her that different is ok, and that not everyone has tons of friends, but she is so down about being 'a loner'.

This newish phase of being scared of everything has thrown me, AIBU to think there is more to this and she needs professional help?

Please try to get her an assessment, you could almost have been talking about me growing up and through life. I always felt different, struggled to talk to anyone or walk in to a room even.
I was finally diagnosed as having Aspergers/high functioning autism last year at the age of 45. While getting the dx hasn't changed my issues it has helped me deal with the feeling different, strange, weird etc, and helped ease my mind. Plus it's so much easier to explain why I'm like I am, and I'm now lucky that I have a select group of friends who can see the signs that I'm going to have a meltdown and who it doesn't faze when I start rocking, head slapping etc

Everincreasingfrequency - yes it is fascinating. Sometimes just not understanding that status exists - sitting st the ‘popular’ table without an invitation - is a great social faux pas, and can lead to your own status ‘dropping’. Female friendships tend to be very driven by these unspoken rules at key ages, e.g. 13-14. Not being able to read situations instinctively can cause issues, which then drives terrible social anxiety because autistic girls are excluded and derided without having any reason why they have been singled out.
This leads to social anxiety, because all of a sudden the rules have changed - the ‘mask’ they wore during primary school, making good eye contact, saying the right things they’d heard others say, acting in the way others act no longer works, and the social rules become unspoken and impossible to imitate, so the social world seems terrifying.

A couple of Austin women I’ve met have said ‘I don’t like women, I’ve never got along with them.’ Which pissed me off st the time. But on reflection I think the teenage girl social stage knocked their confidence and upset then so much, they find it difficult to trust female friendships, even after the stage has passed (I.e, sitting st when ‘wrong’ table and chatting to someone at work is not such a big deal)

I think it’s interestinv that the OP talks about her daughter being critical of others, and talking about others eating ‘junk’. Autistic people tend to follow rules literally, so I’m the current time eating unhealthy food = very bad. And then it takes social awareness to understand that criticing another teenage girl, especially a friend Bout an unhealthy food choice is not a good idea, socially...

Just my opinion, of course

I don't think the OP has mentioned rocking and slapping and tbh if you were rocking and slapping in social situations I'm amazed it took until you were 45 to be diagnosed.

Most teenagers go through a period of feeling different, it doesn't mean autism.

To be fair, though, Miladymilord, the OP is not describing someone going through a period of feeling different, she is describing a child who has always felt "weird" and never really had friends. That's not just teenage angst, that's an entire life, so far. On that basis, I would have got beyond the stage by now of writing it off as the same thing that everyone else goes through.

Lethal White Your explanation of the difficulties is very clear! I think the status thing perhaps starts even earlier - say, yr 5/6 - so that girls without that 'inner instinct' are already starting to have difficulty even before they get to secondary school - the social high flyers they mixed with start to back away. Which doesn't help because those dds go in to secondary school already feeling 'different', inadequate etc.

I'd agree with you that status becomes less important to friendship as adults - but not completely irrelevant - there are 'cliques' in some workplaces. But somehow that is easier to navigate - as a general rule nowhere is as hard as school!

Op, sorry I've gone off thread again. One suggestion I wanted to make sounds ridiculous but can be really helpful when a dc is feeling low/anxious - watching comedies together (only if they're funny, obviously). Just that feeling of being 'safe' and watching cheerful tv can be very reassuring.

Miladymilord - complete speculation on my part here, but do you have a child who is similar to the OPs, and you don’t want to consider autism for some reason?
You are very hostile to the reasonable suggestion that ASD MAY be the cause here, and there must be a reason for that.

Everincreasingfrequency - I may have worked in this area... don’t want to out myself!

I'm well and truly adult and don't like parties, and become very ragged and tired if I spend too much time around people. I don't think there's anything wrong, I'm just quite an extreme introvert. I also feel miffed if not invited to parties or social gatherings...But know that my heart would sink if I was invited! Maybe I have some autistic traits, but whatever it is, I thrive spending lots of quiet time alone or just chilling with quiet people. Maybe more quiet time would charge her batteries for non quiet time and social events. Full time school, plus various clubs would be far more 'peopleness' than I could routinely cope with!

Namechange - introverts recharge via time alone, whereas extroverts recharge by spending time with people.

I’m very introverted, so I need quite a lot of time alone or I start to feel very stressed. But I don’t have social anxiety - I have no problems talking to or interacting with people, am fine with new people/change/high pressure environments etc. I think that’s important on deciding whether you are ‘just’ an introvert, or something else may be going on.
Moor example, if I’ve had the week off to myself, I’ll be excited about going out/seeing friends/having lots of plans. If I’ve had a busy week surrounded by people, I’ll be annoyed if I have to go out on the Friday/Saturday night, as I need to recharge, no matter what those plans are!

Although it can start much younger, it’s often the senior school teen years which will highlight whether you are “just” introverted or whether there’s a deeper issue. In primary setting, there’s still very much a group mentality, a whole class inclusive thing. At secondary, you are kind of thrown in at the deep end and that’s when the social anxiety, isolation, feeling odd, not “fitting in” shows up so anxiety and school refusal becomes a massive issue.

MiladyMylord I agree, if a person goes through adolescence and early adulthood flapping and having meltdowns, it’s a wonder some intervention hadn’t happened before. Then, there are people like me. I learned to mask, fit in (as best I could) and used the “fake it til you make it” method of acting. It was and still is, EXHAUSTING. I’m not “shy”, I’m neurologically different. People may as well have been talking a foreign language to me, a lot of the time.

I slipped under the diagnostic radar because I’m a very good mimic. But, at a price.

Miladymilord - complete speculation on my part here, but do you have a child who is similar to the OPs, and you don’t want to consider autism for some reason?

Oh fgs

I don't want to consider autism because my dd is not autistic,unkess she was and she's grown out of it, which I don't think is a thing?

She is almost 19, has a boyfriend, has two sociable part time jobs, has a car and is very happy and cheerful most of the time. If she is autistic then literally everyone is!!

I read firef1y’s post as she now finally has a friendship group she can be honest with and rock / head slap in front of.

I always used to do mine in private because from a young age I knew it made my parents ashamed.

Being able to do this stuff in front of DH is so liberating. Just knowing I don’t have to always be ashamed is so lovely.

Miladymilord - I’m not sure you understand what autism is if you think that it’s mutually exclusive with having a boyfriend, having a job, being happy or driving, but hey, I’ve never met your kid and I was just speculating about why you had such a hostile reaction to the possibility being discussed

OK so what would I be looking for in an autistic teenager?

LethalWhite’s post yesterday 15:51 is a good place to start

It’s such a tough age. My DD (16) has struggled with friends/socialising:anxiety and says she’s introverted and doesn’t care about parties etc, however now she has found a new group of friends she is always happy to go out with them so I’m not sure if her saying she didn’t want to go out was just her way of covering up. So hard to tell. She’s also a high achiever and is good at most things.
We did see a private cbt counsellor a few years ago but dd didn’t really gel with her.
DS is now 14 and he’s had the worst year for friendships when he’s always been reasonably popular.
The worst thing we can do as parents is nag them about going out, tempting though it is to try to get them to see others.

I shared a link to Tania Marshall’s website which looks at the features of women with Autism at different ages further up the thread too.

That's terrible Raspberry10 - sounds like a very bad GP.
I remember when I was 18 and going to my GP with crippling anxiety and he told me to go out and "enjoy myself!" I've never forgotten his complete lack of understanding - and a year or so later when I was at another GP's about a medical matter I noticed the previous GP had written on my notes "not doing very well!" Took me years and years to get help for myself and I never talked to another GP or my parents who didn't understand. In fact my Mum said in a rather cruel and unhelpful way"when I was your age I was always out and had lots of friends!" Thankfully times have changed now and there is help there but sadly you may have to pay for it or else look on you tube for hypnotherapy sessions. Some of them are really good. Good luck x