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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Partners ex no longer lets us see children... AIBU?

93 replies

mumsytobe · 02/10/2018 15:29

This may be a long winded story so please bare with me...

Myself and my partner have been together for two years now and are expecting our first child together next February. He has two previous children from a past relationship, one is 8 and one is 4.
When we were first together I didn't meet the children until we were serious and had been together for six months. I grew very attached to the kids very fast and they adored me as well. Myself and my partner moved in together at the end of last year, and the children at the time stayed with us for ten nights every month. I loved playing my part as their daddy's girlfriend and I did everything I could to help out with them, we would take them on days out and when I was on days off of work I'd always spend the days off with them so that they saw me as much as possible.
Fast forward to July this year when I found out I was pregnant and it all went downhill... my partners ex and the mother of the two children has never particularly liked me, I'm not overly sure as to why as I always tried to be as polite as I could be and I get on well with her partner as I knew him previously, however when she found out I was pregnant she decided then and there that I was allowed nothing to do with the children anymore and that their father could only see them and take them on days out without me, and they were no longer welcome to go to our house.
This crushed me, it was devastating to be told I was the reason why my partner could no longer see his children as much as he usually did, and that they were allowed to have nothing to do with me or my child, their baby brother/sister. I haven't seen them since July and their father has only been allowed access to them once.
My partner is frightened to take this further because the children's mother has threatened to take them away from him for good, but I believe action is needed as this is really cruel and unfair, not so much on my part but on his and my unborn baby's. Am I being unreasonable to think about contacting a lawyer on behalf of my partner to set up access again, that will now be set in stone by law?

OP posts:

SummerGems · 02/10/2018 15:33

Your partner needs to see a solicitor and get an agreement through the courts.

I have very little sympathy for anyone who decides that they don’t want to pursue things further because the truth is that if he takes it to court he will be awarded access. So if he doesn’t do this then this says more about him as a father than anything else tbh.

But you can’t do this for him, he needs to do it for himself. If he doesn’t then I would be re-evaluating the relationship, because if he can cut contact with his existing children he can do the same to yours if your relationship doesn’t work out in the long term.

sue51 · 02/10/2018 15:33

Of course it's not unreasonable to appoint a lawyer to set up but why are you doing it rather than the children's father?

DanglyBangly · 02/10/2018 15:35

He needs to go to court but it has to be him, not you.

Original poster

mumsytobe · 02/10/2018 15:36

My partner has previously been in contact with a solicitor regarding the matter and has tried to set up meetings with the childrens mum with both her and his solicitors in company - and she hasn't shown up to any of the meetings set up. She sends abusive messages to him and calls him a bad father constantly and all he does is try and see his kids. He works offshore for three weeks out of the month hence why we had the kids for 10 days at a time when he was home, so a lot of the work he tries to do is in his time off, and she will make excuses to not show up to meetings or make excuses as to why the kids cant see him when he's home.

OP posts:

flamingofridays · 02/10/2018 15:37

he needs to go to court. They wont give you access, it needs to be him.

flamingofridays · 02/10/2018 15:37

bypass solicitors - go straight to court.

AuntBeastie · 02/10/2018 15:38

He needs a solicitor. There is no way he won’t be granted access so I would be asking him quite firmly why he isn’t willing to actually fight for his children.

MrsStrowman · 02/10/2018 15:39

If she refuses to attend mediation with a solicitor he needs to go ahead with formal court proceedings, most things can be done by email these days and he can see his solicitor when he's on shore leave

Original poster

mumsytobe · 02/10/2018 15:41

He definitely needs to bite the bullet and get a lawyer, I fully agree on this and I have mentioned it to him after the children's mothers refusal to show up to solicitor appointments. He's in a right state about it and I thought maybe me trying to find a lawyer would help for the meantime whilst he's not here, but I do fully agree that he needs to do this on his own and that I can't help much with it.

OP posts:

BlueBug45 · 02/10/2018 15:43

OP it is for your OH to sort out not you. The longer he leaves it the worse for him in having a relationship with his children. Depending on his exes behaviour you could be awarded a lot of contact with his children.

Oh and mediation is with a mediator not a solicitor.

RomanyRoots · 02/10/2018 15:45

Your partner wants to get legal advice and sort through the courts. Any reason why he can't go for 50/50.

RomanyRoots · 02/10/2018 15:47

It doesn't matter if she doesn't go to meetings, the court make the decision in the interests of the child. They aren't a couple so don't have to attend anything together.

Stuckforthefourthtime · 02/10/2018 15:52

He needs to pursue now - she's already withholding access so what is he so afraid of losing? It's for the children's sake as much as his and yours, they need to know he has fought for them, even if access ends up being not ideal. Good luck

Glumglowworm · 02/10/2018 15:53

He needs to get a lawyer and go to court if the ex won’t agree to mediation. You could do the initial finding a lawyer but honestly he should be doing it, and it’s him who will need to go to meetings etc

If everything is as you say, the court has no reason to refuse access.

I would have zero respect for any parent who didn’t fight to see their kids.

Original poster

mumsytobe · 02/10/2018 15:53

I'm a bit useless with legal proceedings but I don't believe he'd be granted 50/50 as obviously he works away for three weeks at a time. The way things were before worked well, as he saw them every day he was home before he had to leave again. I think I just want to help because ultimately this was blamed on me being pregnant and it wouldn't of happened if it wasn't for that. I feel a lot of guilt.

OP posts:

Lovemusic33 · 02/10/2018 15:55

It needs to go court, the fact she has not shown up for any of the meetings will go against her, she is not cooperating, she has stopped contact due to her own insecurities and jelousy to the fact you are having a child together. She’s upset that her ex is moving on which often happens but she is using the children to punish him. He needs to move fast or he will go longer without seeing them.

He says he’s scared she will take them away if he goes to court? She’s already done that so he has nothing to lose.

PilarTernera · 02/10/2018 15:58

Ultimately this was blamed on me being pregnant and it wouldn't of happened if it wasn't for that.

You didn't impregnate yourself, did you? Your partner has a responsiblity here.

Feckitall · 02/10/2018 16:00

Unfortunately you will get a lot say 'go to court' but the reality is that the ex can just ignore the order, it will cost your DP every time he goes to court. On MN the NRP is castigated as being a bad parent if they don't go to court 'to fight for their kids' but the reality is it becomes expensive, money which should be spent on DC, the RP can be as difficult as they like but as long as DC are physically cared for well courts will not enforce the orders.
The best he can hope for is that she will come round or hope that she is respectful of the courts.

MrsStrowman · 02/10/2018 16:02

If the resident parent beaches the order of the court regarding contact there are legal consequences, they can't just ignore it.

trulybadlydeeply · 02/10/2018 16:05

Unless there are serious SG concerns or similar, she cannot prevent contact. He needs to go to court about this asap, and get a formal arrangement in place.

There are several organisations to go to for advice, such as:

childlawadvice.org.uk/family/

www.frg.org.uk/

Geraldine170 · 02/10/2018 16:06

It doesn’t excuse her not allowing access, but you do sound a little bit full on OP. It’s nice that you get along with the children, but there’s something about the way you say you ‘adore’ them and ‘ I loved playing my part as their daddy's girlfriend and I did everything I could to help out with them’.

Do you think perhaps he could talk to their mother and agree to start access again with you not being there at all to start with, then building up to spending more time with them, but with you agreeing to take on a bit more of a friendly and detached role rather than a parenting role?

I’m not saying it’s right for her to withhold access, but I can understand why a mother might find it difficult to hand her children over to someone she doesn’t really know taking an active role in parenting. If it’s you that bothers her, perhaps he needs to talk to her about she can feel happier with your role in the family.

chillpizza · 02/10/2018 16:08

You can’t do it for him. It has to come from him.

trulybadlydeeply · 02/10/2018 16:09

Feckitall but at the moment it sounds like it hasn't been to court at all, but there has been some attempt at mediation. I absolutely agree, and order can be ignored, and trying to get it enforced can be lengthy and costly, however getting one in place in the first instance would be a start, and the ex may feel a bit differently if contact is then outlined formally.

Lovemusic33 · 02/10/2018 16:19

Step parents can’t do anything right on mumsnet. OP sounds like she wants to be involved with these children, what’s wrong with saying she adores them? If she was writing about not adoring them then that would be wrong too?

OP you need to get your DP to apply for a court order, you can’t do this for him, it’s quite simple. Yes court can end up being expensive but who puts a price on their children? It is possible for hi to represent himself in court, I know people who have done this and been successful in getting a good outcome (50/50 custody).

Original poster

mumsytobe · 02/10/2018 16:20

Geraldine170 The mother didn't have a problem with me looking after the children or taking on a type of 'motherly role', she actually would often ask if I could look after them when my partner wasn't here if she couldn't find a babysitter or if she had a last minute plan. The reason we were stopped access was because she didn't want the children to be around me or my child when he/she is born. I agreed that my partner should see them without me until she came around to the idea, I no longer have anything to do with the children because I know where my boundaries are.

Feckitall Sadly I know it's the most costly option and it'll put us out of pocket, but my partner would do anything to see his children and he'd pay through the nose for it. I just hope that the children's mother sees sense and realises how much he's trying and doesn't make this a difficult process for him.

OP posts:

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