Partners ex no longer lets us see children... AIBU?

[mumsytobe]

This may be a long winded story so please bare with me...

Myself and my partner have been together for two years now and are expecting our first child together next February. He has two previous children from a past relationship, one is 8 and one is 4.
When we were first together I didn't meet the children until we were serious and had been together for six months. I grew very attached to the kids very fast and they adored me as well. Myself and my partner moved in together at the end of last year, and the children at the time stayed with us for ten nights every month. I loved playing my part as their daddy's girlfriend and I did everything I could to help out with them, we would take them on days out and when I was on days off of work I'd always spend the days off with them so that they saw me as much as possible.
Fast forward to July this year when I found out I was pregnant and it all went downhill... my partners ex and the mother of the two children has never particularly liked me, I'm not overly sure as to why as I always tried to be as polite as I could be and I get on well with her partner as I knew him previously, however when she found out I was pregnant she decided then and there that I was allowed nothing to do with the children anymore and that their father could only see them and take them on days out without me, and they were no longer welcome to go to our house.
This crushed me, it was devastating to be told I was the reason why my partner could no longer see his children as much as he usually did, and that they were allowed to have nothing to do with me or my child, their baby brother/sister. I haven't seen them since July and their father has only been allowed access to them once.
My partner is frightened to take this further because the children's mother has threatened to take them away from him for good, but I believe action is needed as this is really cruel and unfair, not so much on my part but on his and my unborn baby's. Am I being unreasonable to think about contacting a lawyer on behalf of my partner to set up access again, that will now be set in stone by law?

Lovemusic33 I know, it's a bit disheartening if I'm honest... I've always had a great relationship with his children and everybody was happy that I was trying my best with them, their mother's family included. My partner loves his children and I adore them too, all I want is to help. Courts are extremely costly I know, but he'd be willing to try anything and I'm fully behind it, I wouldn't want the children thinking they were pushed out because of me or their baby sibling, and that's the scariest thing for me to think about. They'll always be loved as equal.

At the end of the day OP, it is in the children's best interests to have their father as a part of their lives.

Going to court is incredibly stressful, expensive, and can have really long lasting effects on the relationship between the parents. I would say it is an absolute last resort. Hope you get this resolved soon - at the end of the day it's not just your partner she's hurting it's the children, they must miss him terribly xx

www.separateddads.co.uk/whenyourexpartnerdeniesyouaccess.html

"Any reason why he can't go for 50/50."

Because he is offshore for three weeks out of every four, RomanyRoots.

And even then, I'll bet there are other things he has or wants to do within his week off, in addition to seeing his two children.

Additionally, it would be unreasonable to expect an 8 year old, a 4 year old, and an ex wife/partner to put their own lives entirely on hold in order to accommodate his one-week-out-of-four lifestyle. Especially when he appears to be doing absolutely nothing to accommodate theirs.

What contact arrangement could he (not you) consistently maintain, OP?

He should go to mediation, then court (if it takes that), to apply for a contact order that he can consistently maintain, while meeting the children's needs.

Your OH needs to get the finger out.

He is choosing not to pursue this- he is choosing a job which will make contact difficult.

Parents can sometimes have a strange reaction to a new child which puts their own children into a different hierarchy (for want of a better word)

BUT she cannot stop access, it is not up to her. You have to take this to the courts. If you don't the children will be told a version of events (e.g. dad never made an effort to see you) that may have long-lasting consequences.

Try not to take it personally. She was OK before, she may well soften when the baby is here but even though I am a divorcee with 2 children and find my exh contemptible, I know that were he have children with someone else, I would find it hard for my kids, worrying if the new child will get more of his attention, feel pushed out, etc. The reality is that most children welcome the baby when it comes, but often the thought is worse than the reality. It is a big change for everyone, it stirs up the status quo, so it's important not to under-estimate that. However in saying all that, you must most definitely get a court order for access - there is no question of that.

Are you in Scotland, OP? I'm asking because many offshore jobs are in Aberdeen. If so, advice would need to be tailored to Scots family law - I don't know if there's a difference to English law, but it's good to be aware of these things!

I’m in a very similar situation OP, except it is my DP’s ex that had just had a new baby with someone else and had since decided my partner can’t see his children. I realised it was me looking up all the legal stuff and finding ways to solve the problem while my DP took a “don’t rock the boat approach” and has let his kids down imo. It’s very nearly broken us, because I blame him for not doing enough while I have stressed myself out so much over it it’s made me quite ill.

Court proceedings are in place now and I’m taking a back seat for my own sanity. This has to come from your partner though, and if he won’t step up it shouldn’t be on you to do it for him.

Also Step Mums can’t do right for doing wrong on MN, you’re either too involved or not involved enough I think there’s a proportion of women who don’t like the idea of their exes moving on and having children with anyone else, but it’s their children that suffer in the end when contact is removed. I dread to think what my DP’s ex would do if I got pregnant...

Also, my own child has a step mother, so I’ve been on both sides. Felt a bit weird about it at first as imo she was introduced way too soon (but ultimately not my decision) but she loves my DD and my DD loves her so I got over it

First of all you said she never really liked you bit then she was happy for you to have the kids when your dp wasn't there. You do sound a bit full on tbh and perhaps she never really took to you because you seemed to be trying to play mum, that can be hard for a mother to deal with.

I think there’s a proportion of women who don’t like the idea of their exes moving on and having children with anyone else,

But isn't that a very basic instinct?

Man sires children, makes a happy family- moves on creates family number two.

Of course the first mother will have concerns about her own children.
Lover boy moves on to pastures new, living with his new family full time, of course there will be concerns about the children that are left behind and worries that babies with the new family will get more attention/time/money/love.

I think that is a very natural response.

And Thatstheendofmytether has just shown another example of step-mothers doing wrong on mn.

And the EXW/ kids mother is always the nasty bitch that is just the devil incarnate. Oh and just FYI, my kids don't have a step mother before you ask.

The mother

Really? The mother?

Your partner needs to face up to his responsibilities and see this through in court. You cannot do that for him.

You perhaps need to face facts in that your partner appears to be unconcerned about contact with his children. Is this the kind of man you want to be with?

Thatstheendofmytether

Yes- and why would OPs boyfriend decide to create family number two- when he clearly has a job that prevents him from seeing very much ( or any) of the family he already has?

Why would you do that to your children?

Home only one week in 4 , lover boy doesn't have enough time to see his existing children , never mind creating more.

I think that is a very natural response.

It might well be but that’s life. In these cases the existing children’s Mother needs to put her big girl pants on and get the fuck over it, allow her ex access to her children as normal and, if he lets them down, then she has a reason to reconsider access arrangements.

wow some of you can be really harsh... would you rather I was a horrible person who didn’t want anything to do with my partners children and refused to take them on? That’s absolutely ridiculous.
Also, as I stated before this only happened in july, near the end of the month, so this has only been going on for two months. My partner is in no way a bad dad and assuming that by one post I’ve made is genuinely disgusting, it actually hurts my heart to have strangers call him that when he loves his children and beforehand would spend every free day he had home with them! Their mother is a difficult person to deal with at the best of times and is very stubborn hence why he can’t get anything sorted, I’d say in two months getting a solicitor involved and trying to set up three meetings is still him doing something!
He works offshore to care for his children as where we live the work is solely limited to farm work or working on ships if you want to make a decent wage with barely any qualifications, I wish some people would show some sympathy to that and that he works away to look after me, his two children and his unborn one who is on the way. So cruel.
I’d like to say thank you to Duchessgummybuns for understanding my situation and I’m so glad you’ve gotten court sorted, I’ll make sure to get the ball rolling this as soon as I speak to my partner when he finishes work for the day. It is hard and I see it from the children’s mum’s end as well, but it’s not a good enough excuse to keep him from his children when he’s a devoted father.

Additionally, it would be unreasonable to expect an 8 year old, a 4 year old, and an ex wife/partner to put their own lives entirely on hold in order to accommodate his one-week-out-of-four lifestyle. Especially when he appears to be doing absolutely nothing to accommodate theirs.

Yep. Do you think you will be okay with this arrangement should you find yourself in the same boat a few years down the line OP?

Their mother is a difficult person to deal with at the best of times and is very stubborn hence why he can’t get anything sorted,

And OP has just proven my point. Ex is always the evil witch.

Perhaps there is more to this than what your dp is telling you OP, why else would he not be chasing contact as much as you would like him to?
If their mum is so unreasonable then she wouldn't really stand a chance of stopping contact in court for no reason so what exactly is your dp worried about? As someone else pointed out, he's not getting to see then as it is. How will going to court make that any worse?

bastardkitty hes always had his children for 10 days at a time ever since himself and their mum split up when the 4 year old was one... this was the routine they were used to as he has worked offshore for 10 years, so they only ever saw him for that amount of time when he was with his ex partner anyway.
Obviously it isn’t ideal but at the end of the day it’s his job and I understand that.

thatstheendofmytether I never said she was evil or a witch, I said that she does make things difficult at the moment. She was fine enough before I got pregnant and as I said I was always polite to her and that was in hopes that she’d hopefully understand that I wasn’t out to be nasty to her or push her out. She just didn’t like me but that doesn’t mean she was a horrible person or made mine or my partners life difficult because she didn’t until now. I never once had a problem until I told her I was pregnant.

Has he spoken with mum about whether the arrangement still suits? Things move on and there is a clear expectation that she just fits in with him. She may have her own stuff she would like to fit in but can’t. Court could throw up all sorts in that respect.

It is really his responsibility to work this out.

Good luck OP. if I was you I’d head over to NetMums, they may be full of tickets and huns but they tend much less towards the snippy bitchiness you see here at times. Plenty of evidence of snippy bitches above as you can see.

Lover boy does not need a second family.

He won't take time to see the kids he already has.

Well you said she was difficult at the best of times, I took that to mean before this situation aswell.
Like I said perhaps there is more to it, seems strange that such a dedicated father would just give up.

ohreallyohreallyoh this arrangement worked for years but obviously that doesn’t mean to say that she wouldn’t maybe prefer if he only saw them over a long weekend now or something similar, which I would also understand. I think what he and obviously their mum is worried about is that the newborn will end up with more attention on him/her and it will make his older children feel pushed out, which wouldn’t help matters if he were to drop days with them in the time he has off. I agree though it is up to him to sort out I was just hoping I’d be able to help in some way.