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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Partners ex no longer lets us see children... AIBU?

93 replies

mumsytobe · 02/10/2018 15:29

This may be a long winded story so please bare with me...

Myself and my partner have been together for two years now and are expecting our first child together next February. He has two previous children from a past relationship, one is 8 and one is 4.
When we were first together I didn't meet the children until we were serious and had been together for six months. I grew very attached to the kids very fast and they adored me as well. Myself and my partner moved in together at the end of last year, and the children at the time stayed with us for ten nights every month. I loved playing my part as their daddy's girlfriend and I did everything I could to help out with them, we would take them on days out and when I was on days off of work I'd always spend the days off with them so that they saw me as much as possible.
Fast forward to July this year when I found out I was pregnant and it all went downhill... my partners ex and the mother of the two children has never particularly liked me, I'm not overly sure as to why as I always tried to be as polite as I could be and I get on well with her partner as I knew him previously, however when she found out I was pregnant she decided then and there that I was allowed nothing to do with the children anymore and that their father could only see them and take them on days out without me, and they were no longer welcome to go to our house.
This crushed me, it was devastating to be told I was the reason why my partner could no longer see his children as much as he usually did, and that they were allowed to have nothing to do with me or my child, their baby brother/sister. I haven't seen them since July and their father has only been allowed access to them once.
My partner is frightened to take this further because the children's mother has threatened to take them away from him for good, but I believe action is needed as this is really cruel and unfair, not so much on my part but on his and my unborn baby's. Am I being unreasonable to think about contacting a lawyer on behalf of my partner to set up access again, that will now be set in stone by law?

OP posts:

speakout · 02/10/2018 19:25

ohreallyohreallyoh

Exactly.

Original poster

mumsytobe · 02/10/2018 19:34

ohreallyohreallyoh oh my god I wish you’d just pay attention, how many times do I have to explain that this is his job, this arrangement worked for years, her problem only started when she found out I was pregnant! Literally who in their right MIND would comment on somebody’s job and tell them to find another one when they’ve been in it for 10 years, they earn enough money to look after their family and more, and it’s something that he genuinely enjoys doing. He still saw his children for 10 days every month when they were together and it’s still the same now they’re apart and yet still for you that is not enough, if she had a problem with his job she’d bloody tell him, but it doesn’t stop her taking child support plus extra off of him every month. Literally what the hell goes on in some peoples minds you just baffle me.

OP posts:

Original poster

mumsytobe · 02/10/2018 19:37

speakout don’t even bother you’ve done nothing but comment rubbish that is in no way constructive and is quite frankly rude and abusive towards a situation you have no clue about.

OP posts:

MaisyPops · 02/10/2018 19:40

mumsytobe
From what another poster suggested, I thought he wasn't paying child support.

She's even more unreasonable. There's an arrangement that has worked for years where he works and provides but suddenly ex can't handle the idea of a new child so she pulls the rug out under everything.
Nope. That's not cool.

UnderCaffeinated · 02/10/2018 19:45

Exactly, the arrangement may not be perfect but it is the way it was for years. It's not as if OP's partner has just suddenly gotten a job of shore and sees his children less and the ex is just having to like it or lump it - nothing has actually changed!

The only change, is that the children are now not seeing their father at all because their mother says no, and they are going to have a new sibling. I don't understand how anyone can defend that when it is so clearly not in the best interests of the children.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 02/10/2018 19:57

nothing has actually changed!

Except the relationship has broken down. So everything has changed.

Original poster

mumsytobe · 02/10/2018 19:58

MaisyPops hes paid child support ever since they ended their relationship because he can afford to give her money to look after them plus extra that she’s given from him every month, it’s like I’ve said the reason why she’s refusing to let him see the children is for the exact reason I stated, there’s no big back story to it

OP posts:

MaisyPops · 02/10/2018 19:59

Except the relationship has broken down. So everything has changed.
The relationship has only broken down because ex doesn't like the fact his new partner is pregnant.
There's no change to his job.
No change to child support.
He has a job.
He is paying support.
But sure, mum doesn't like the idea of a half sibling so she can do what she like. Standard MN.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 02/10/2018 20:02

but it doesn’t stop her taking child support plus extra off of him every month

Ah yes, money. Bad, bad ex. Expecting a parent to support his children financially.

MaisyPops · 02/10/2018 20:09

ohreallyohreallyoh
I dont think the OP is saying her DP shouldn't fund his own children.

She's pointing out he is in work, paying child support, paying more than he 'has' to (you only have to see threads on here about how minimum child support isn't really enough), he has had regular contact with his children and they've had a good coparenting relationship.
His ex was happy for the OP to have her children and babysit when ex was away at work.
Everything was working just fine...

... until the ex decided she doesnt like the fact the OP is pregnant.
And now children are being deprived of a relationship with their father. I don't seriously get how anyone can defend those actions.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 02/10/2018 20:09

The relationship has only broken down because ex doesn't like the fact his new partner is pregnant

No. The relationship between the OP’s partner and the ex has broken down. Neither party can expect things to run in exactly the same way indefinitely. Indeed, the OP has appeared on the scene and a new baby is on the way. That’s massive change.

We haven’t heard from the ex. Assumptions have been made about her reasons. A wider picture hasn’t been considered. Evil ex. Nothing else.

You won’t fix this without looking at the bigger picture. Court can help but it will ruin a previously workable relationship. Kids will be in the middle. It frequently takes one parent to think outside the box to help make the shift.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 02/10/2018 20:11

I don't seriously get how anyone can defend those actions

At no point have I said I think the ex is right. But she also has a point of view which is not being heard. Why bother posting if all you actually want to hear is the ex is a bitch?

MaisyPops · 02/10/2018 20:14

ohreallyohreallyoh
Any parent who unilaterally decides to withold children from a relationship with their other parent (without genuine safeguarding concerns) is a bitch in my opinion.
It's adults putting their own desire to point score above children.

There's no reason for a long standing contact arrangement to be unilaterally stopped.

UnderCaffeinated · 02/10/2018 20:14

@ohreallyohreallyoh

How does this relationship breakdown change anything for the children though?

Same DC's.
Same Dad.
Same amounts of child maintenance
Same job.
Same schools.
Same location, no one has moved away.
Same new partner.

What is the difference? New baby, that's the ONLY difference.

It's not as if it's just suddenly come to like that OP and her partner engaging in harmful activities around the children or have been abusive to them. Why was contact okay before OP was pregnant, but now it's not okay because she is?

UnderCaffeinated · 02/10/2018 20:19

Totally agree with Maisypops that regardless of the ex's point of view, her actions are hurting her children, and that is unacceptable from any parent IMO. Unless their is a safeguarding concern, what valid reason is there for contact between an NRP and their children to be stopped, really?

ohreallyohreallyoh · 02/10/2018 20:24

sigh. Maybe just read my posts? What you are saying is the ex shouldn’t have feelings, emotions, her own needs - practical, emotional, financial, work-related. You are saying because she previously accepted the situation, she should continue to do so, despite the fact that no one has actually heard what her problem or issues might be.

She is not helping herself, I agree. I also agree her behaviour, on the face of it, isn’t acceptable. I don’t agree that she should suck up the status quo indefinitely because that suits her ex and his new partner.

MaisyPops · 02/10/2018 20:33

ohreallyohreallyoh
If there's actually practical reasons to change then there should be a conversation had, not her unilaterally preventing a relationship.

The only change is OP is pregnant. Being annoyed someone's having a baby with their partner is no reason to stop childreb seeing their father.

I think most people know of someone who like to think their children are their bonus card to play when it suits them.

UnderCaffeinated · 02/10/2018 20:34

It really isn't clear from your posts what your actual suggestion is. It's a lot of waffle trying to justify a mother withholding contact from a father for her own, personal reasons.

I'm not saying she shouldn't have any feelings or needs, but at the end of the day those are hers to deal with, herself, without hurting her children. It is never acceptable to emotionally harm children or damage their relationship with the other parent simply because you're having a difficult time yourself.

Maybe a change in contact arrangements does need to happen, but withholding contact UNLESS their is a safeguarding issue is not at all beneficial for the children, and it's 100% unreasonable.

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