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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partners ex no longer lets us see children... AIBU?

93 replies

mumsytobe · 02/10/2018 15:29

This may be a long winded story so please bare with me...

Myself and my partner have been together for two years now and are expecting our first child together next February. He has two previous children from a past relationship, one is 8 and one is 4.
When we were first together I didn't meet the children until we were serious and had been together for six months. I grew very attached to the kids very fast and they adored me as well. Myself and my partner moved in together at the end of last year, and the children at the time stayed with us for ten nights every month. I loved playing my part as their daddy's girlfriend and I did everything I could to help out with them, we would take them on days out and when I was on days off of work I'd always spend the days off with them so that they saw me as much as possible.
Fast forward to July this year when I found out I was pregnant and it all went downhill... my partners ex and the mother of the two children has never particularly liked me, I'm not overly sure as to why as I always tried to be as polite as I could be and I get on well with her partner as I knew him previously, however when she found out I was pregnant she decided then and there that I was allowed nothing to do with the children anymore and that their father could only see them and take them on days out without me, and they were no longer welcome to go to our house.
This crushed me, it was devastating to be told I was the reason why my partner could no longer see his children as much as he usually did, and that they were allowed to have nothing to do with me or my child, their baby brother/sister. I haven't seen them since July and their father has only been allowed access to them once.
My partner is frightened to take this further because the children's mother has threatened to take them away from him for good, but I believe action is needed as this is really cruel and unfair, not so much on my part but on his and my unborn baby's. Am I being unreasonable to think about contacting a lawyer on behalf of my partner to set up access again, that will now be set in stone by law?

OP posts:
Thatstheendofmytether · 02/10/2018 17:51

@DeloresJaneUmbridge

Snipey bitches? What because we don't fall all over ourselves to agree with the OP and realise there are 2 sides to every story?
Grow up!

MacNcheese87 · 02/10/2018 17:51

Wow. What a horrible bunch of spiteful 'mothers'.

Those chips must be so heavy to carry around all day!

Original poster
mumsytobe · 02/10/2018 17:52

speakout please kindly take your nasty comments onto somebody else’s thread. Can’t be bothered with people who comment personally on somebody they know nothing about and you’ve quite blatantly ignored the majority of what I’ve posted, when he is trying his best with what he has at the moment. Go find some time for your own family and don’t worry about mine.

OP posts:
speakout · 02/10/2018 17:53

I think what he and obviously their mum is worried about is that the newborn will end up with more attention on him/her and it will make his older children feel pushed out,

And it seems very reasonable that she should think like that.

He's not really actively pushed to see them.

MacNcheese87 · 02/10/2018 17:56

It can be unaffordable for some men to keep going back to court. This, and the fact that CO are so easily ignored by the RP, can be a factor in why so many men (usually men) haven't started, or don't start, court proceedings.

Instead of berate the father for not 'fighting Hmm' for his kids, how about a little understanding? It's fucking heartbreaking for all involved, especially the children when one parent decides to withdraw contact.

Maybe he hasn't started court proceedings yet, for whatever reason, but he isn't the one stopping his children from seeing their dad. On this occasion, if there's no other reason than what the OP has given, the only person in the wrong is the mother.

swingofthings · 02/10/2018 18:00

Why do you think if indeed she as very happy with your involvement in their lives, she suddenly has decided that you are a bad influence to her kids and their dad a horrible dad just because your pregnant?

You say she doesn't want to be around the baby? Why? And if, the baby isn't here yet so why stop contact now?

I expect as often that there is more to the story then just what has been shared?

Original poster
mumsytobe · 02/10/2018 18:03

MacNcheese87 bless you for being so understanding of this situation, in the time he has been off in the past few months since this has happened not only has he been to see his solicitor and been on the phone and setting up appointments, he’s also still been keeping contact with the children’s mum in hopes he would be able to see them. He messages her to ask how they are doing and if he’d be able to see them only to get shot down. That is why he was worried about going to court, as even through trying himself and with a solicitors help he has gotten nowhere. If it was up to me he would’ve gone to court earlier but he’s done his best.
It’s heartbreaking for me to watch him so distraught, and the one time he was able to see them his children both didn’t understand why he had been gone so long and they did nothing but ask when he was coming back again or when they could next come and stay at the house. It’s soul destroying for everybody involved.

OP posts:
TulipsInBloom1 · 02/10/2018 18:05

Well if he works offshore and has his dc every day he is onshore then the new baby will have equal amounts of daddy time.

Original poster
mumsytobe · 02/10/2018 18:08

swingofthings to start off with the sole reason for this happening was because I was pregnant and she didn’t want her children to know I was. That was literally all their was to it, I wish there was some big elaborate story and that she did it because I was being too hands on with her children or because their dad was being useless, but everything was great until I told her myself that I was pregnant.
She calls him a bad dad now to hurt him, before this she said they were lucky to have a dad like him and even would post things on social media to say how great he was quite often. Their co-parenting was good and I didn’t get involved in it, hence why I know this is all for this one reason.

OP posts:
Original poster
mumsytobe · 02/10/2018 18:09

TulipsInBloom1 that’s right, he would see all three children for the exact same amount of time if he were still able to see his two older children for that long.

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 02/10/2018 18:15

As PPs say, this is entirely for your DP to sort out, through legal action.
He should have been onto this already if he is indeed a decent father.

10 days with you and their father at a stretch may not be ideal for the DC, but the court would require his ex to allow him suitable access.

How will you continue working after maternity leave when your DP works away so much: do you have family support?

ohreallyohreallyoh · 02/10/2018 18:18

but everything was great until I told her myself that I was pregnant

That right there is probably the crux of it. It probably felt awful, gloating almost and you would have expected her to be happy about it and she would have felt pressured to be positive even if the news killed her inside. It would have been better coming from the ex at a time when she was able to manage her emotions privately. I do think it sounds like you are somewhat over-involved although given his work pattern, that’s probably not your fault. And then the icing on top!

Jamiefraserskilt · 02/10/2018 18:20

Some parents work away. Does that make them bad parents? Not in my experience. It makes home time even more special.
Op., he cannot make the situation worse by asking a judge for a formal order for access. Sadly, exw is jealous by the sound of it. If she has refused all attempts to talk things over and all attempts to see the kids who must be missing their Dad.

Original poster
mumsytobe · 02/10/2018 18:21

Loopytiles my own mother works from home four out of five days as she is a college tutor so she has offered to help me, however I currently only work two days a week anyway so it shouldn’t be a problem. I thought about all of this at the beginning of my pregnancy, and I was offered a lot of help where needed. My family adore my other half and they understand that his job cannot allow him to be here for me all the time.

OP posts:
speakout · 02/10/2018 18:32

Some parents work away. Does that make them bad parents?

No of course not.

But it should cause them to question whether embarking on family Version 2 if they are unable to attend to the children they already have is a good idea or not.

MrsStrowman · 02/10/2018 18:44

@speakout but he was seeing them ten days a month which is more than a NRP who has them every weekend let alone EoW add if often the arrangement spoken of here, so how was he unable to attend to his current children?

UnderCaffeinated · 02/10/2018 18:47

He needs to apply for mediation ASAP. Once he goes they will write to her ex and invite her to attend.

If she refuses or attends the information sessions and then doesn't want to mediate, then he can get his form signed off and apply to court. It costs £215. Hopefully she'll either agree to mediate, or the letter will at least open up the conversation about the issue, they can agree and create a consent order in mediation. Either way at this point I'd want it to be written into law to prevent issues like this again. His kids deserve to see their Dad, and to know their sibling.

MaisyPops · 02/10/2018 18:50

I think there’s a proportion of women who don’t like the idea of their exes moving on and having children with anyone else, but it’s their children that suffer in the end when contact is removed
I agree.
Usually the types who'll be all too pleased to introduce their latest fella to the kids, get the kids to call him Dad and go on about how ' DP is twice the dad you'll ever be. Who's up with them in the night? Who's the one there when they're ill? Oh yes. DP.'

UnderCaffeinated · 02/10/2018 18:51

@speakout

So far none of your posts have been at all helpful to the OP. What is your actual advice? It just seems like a lot of rude comments, OP IS pregnant, OP IS having a baby with this man, and his ex IS stopping two children from seeing their father (and OP) like they used too. Your advice seems to be to not do that, but you're a bit too late for that.

Regardless of if you think that the response from his ex is 'natural' or reasonable, it isn't very child focused, is it? OP's partner has a job that means he works away, he's always seen his children even though he works away, why should this change? You're not making much sense.

MacNcheese87 · 02/10/2018 18:54

He is perfectly capable of tending to his children if he sees them (or did) 10 days a month. That's more than many fathers I know.

He's not capable of seeing his children at all if the mother refuses access.

What part of this don't you understand? Mother is in the wrong, so somehow HE has to prove himself as a good parent?

God, I can't fucking stand bullies.

For you loveBiscuit

MaisyPops · 02/10/2018 19:00

MacNcheese87
Agreed.

I mean all those work away fathers still in relationships with their children's mother's must be really shit dads based on some of these replies. My own father must have been spectacularly shit. Who is he to have worked away to allow us to stay in the same house a bit longer? Clearly the man had no idea how to be a father.

But somehow working away is fine as long as the dad is still sleeping with his children's mum.

Original poster
mumsytobe · 02/10/2018 19:07

UnderCaffeinated thank you so much for this that was really helpful! I’ll pass this information on to him, it’ll certainly come in handy.

MacNcheese87 MaisyPops thank you both so much, my own dad worked away when I was little hence why myself and my family are so understanding that my partner isn’t here, my dad would sometimes be away for a month or so at a time but I guess because he was married to my mum that this somehow was acceptable? My partner saw his children every single day when he was home because he missed them as much as they missed him and he wants to spend time with them, obviously that’s not enough for some people.

OP posts:
ohreallyohreallyoh · 02/10/2018 19:21

But somehow working away is fine as long as the dad is still sleeping with his children's mum

You are missing the very real issue of mum needing to finance her own household and to do so without any support from an ex. How many non-off shore jobs would work easily around these existing arrangements? It is all very well making nasty comments of this nature but it doesn’t help at all with the very real problem many women face when dealing with an ex and irregular work patterns. Why should her own work play second fiddle? Or her own social life for that matter? It is not too much to expect everyone to have to deal with the upheaval of a separation and yet we have a clear example of an ex husband having changed nothing at all.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 02/10/2018 19:24

And I speak generally rather than saying these are the exact needs/issues/problems of the ex in this case. We haven’t had that detail to be able to work out what the ex’s problem is.

MaisyPops · 02/10/2018 19:24

ohreallyohreallyoh
He should be paying child support.
That's separate from him seeing the kids.

At the end of the day she was perfectly content with the children seeing their father (knowing his work pattern) and they'd found a way to coparent like adults, which is how it should be. Suddenly his new partner is expecting a baby and now contact can't possibly happen, she's being obstructive and we're meant to give her a free pass to prevent children having a relationship with their father?