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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want DH to not waste his days off

78 replies

Wildorchids · 02/10/2018 10:37

DH works hard and for that I cannot fault him, he does the night shift as the money is good and does 5 nights per week then has his two days off in a row.

His first day off after the last night shift he will spend sleeping so he can catch up on some much needed rest, if he gets in at 9am I'll leave him to sleep until 6ish in the afternoon undisturbed then wake him to eat and spend time with the DC before bed if its getting a little late.

My problem is this, after catching up on his sleep during the day he will then stay up until 4 or 5am the next morning watching TV or using the computer as if he was doing another night shift. This then means he's tired all day the following day and will spend that sleeping too.. Only to wake up as the evening is drawing in and bedtime is approaching for me and the DC. He will then do the same again, until the following night when he is back at work.

As a result we get little to no family time and our relationship is suffering because of it. I'd like to take the DC to soft play together, or on a little outing, but because of the way he spends his time off work this is impossible.

Aibu to ask him to try and make the most of his days off with me and the DC? Its not as though he 'can't sleep at night but chooses to stay up doing other things instead.

OP posts:

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 02/10/2018 10:38

It’s probably difficult to adjust to days and then go back to nights. You’d have permanent jet lag. I can understand the desire to maintain nocturnal hours.

Neshoma · 02/10/2018 10:40

I don't think theres an easy answer to someone working 5 nights. He either needs to sleep less on Saturday and Sunday and get up at lunchtime, then will be tired around midnight and get to bed earlier. But it must be really hard for you all.

Can he look for another job or change to days?

Celebelly · 02/10/2018 10:42

He might not be able to get back to sleep normally or have any kind of normal pattern on days off. I worked late shifts for years and it took my body a whole year to get back to normal when I left - there's no way I could have had a normal sleeping pattern for two days a week. If he's sleeping till 6pm then he's not going to be able to then go to sleep at 11pm and get up at 7 - he'd have to stay up the whole day or only sleep a couple of hours and go to bed early, but then that will have ramifications for when he goes back to work too (plus he'll be knackered). It's one of the problems with night shift, really. It really messes with your body clock.

That said, there's probably some sort of compromise to be found where he maybe splits his sleep on one of the days so has a few hours, goes out with you and the kids, and then goes back to bed for a while.

Fatasfook · 02/10/2018 10:44

Night shift is brutal on the system. He won’t be able to switch back to normal mode at weekends. Cut him some slack!

Sirzy · 02/10/2018 10:44

Only getting two days off it will be impossible for them to be normal days, his body clock will be on night mode!

SallySangFroid · 02/10/2018 10:47

There’s no way I could switch between nocturnal and daytime like that. Have you ever moved time zones? It’s so hard to get to sleep for the first couple of nights of your body thinks it’s still four in the afternoon. So I think you may be being U.

It does sounds very tough though and if possible I’d see if your dp could change to daytime.

Original poster

Wildorchids · 02/10/2018 10:48

I do cut him slack I've never mentioned this to him and he's been working this shift for the past 18 months, he works hard and I appreciate that so am mindful to never get on his case. I just feel a little deflated that we're not able to do normal things as a family.

He doesn't want to change jobs as in general he's happy there

OP posts:

crrrzy · 02/10/2018 10:52

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for privacy reasons.

Weenurse · 02/10/2018 10:52

Working night shift is tough. It would be like asking a day shift worker to get up at 2.30 in the morning to go on an outing and go back to sleep at 9 am.
Best bet is to suck up the decrease in pay and look for a day job.

Original poster

Wildorchids · 02/10/2018 10:53

He works 8-8 four days and then 6-6 on his last

OP posts:

VimFuego101 · 02/10/2018 10:54

Night shifts wreak havoc on your body. I can't even imagine trying to switch 'night times' back and forth the way you're proposing.

Glumglowworm · 02/10/2018 10:54

This is why the night shift pays well, because it has such an impact on family life even on days off

It’s normal that he retains nocturnal hours during his days off. Constantly trying to swap between night and day would be exhausting.

birdonawire1 · 02/10/2018 10:55

Having worked nights I know how difficult it is to have a normal life. Reverting to ‘normal’ sleeping at the weekend is almost impossible as getting up after a few hours sleep is like you getting up at 4 am. Then having a 2 hour nap before a shift leaves you seriously sleep deprived constantly. The only way is to switch to alternating day and night shifts on a monthly basis or cut his nights to 4 only.

You need to explain it’s not working for your family

owabno · 02/10/2018 10:57

He is not 'wasting' his days off. He is a permanent nightshirt worker. He has nights off, not days.

Please don't think it's anything other than routine. Night shift is hard going, there is no way you can simply adjust to day shift times for 2 days a week.

MaryDollNesbitt · 02/10/2018 10:59

Night shift is a ball ache. Like Testing said, it can feel like permanent jet lag, especially when trying to balance family life that runs on daytime hours. You're effectively asking him to snap out of night shift mode and snap back into it within two days. Unless you're a robot, it's just not possible, OP. It would leave him absolutely knackered. After doing a long shift at work, he needs to sleep. Unfortunately, due to his shift pattern, his body clock is trained to sleep during the day, even on his days off. Night shift premiums are lovely, but they leave you open to a shortfall somewhere - family time or sleep (and possible poor health if sleep is being surrendered too often).

I used to work nights. I had to cut back from 5 nights to 3 eventually, so that I had enough time in between finishing work for the week and starting again to jigger my body clock about. It was fucking hard going. It meant I got some proper time with DD at the weekend, but I was constantly tired

If this is effecting you all that badly, is there any chance he can switch back to days?

Hogtini · 02/10/2018 11:01

Night shifts are brutal. What days/hours do you work?

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 02/10/2018 11:04

There's a whole academic area called chronobiology nd chronopsychology... Which researches topics such as night workers...

It is impossible to completely re tune your body to day waking for 2 days weekly...

It's huge stress on the body

I would be encouraging your partner to try to get a day job?

Night workers tend to die earlier that the general population

ems137 · 02/10/2018 11:04

I worked the night shift for 5 years in a couple of different supermarkets. I'm pretty sure that no one really did what your DH does on their days off. Most of us would get in and either watch telly for an hour or go straight to bed (me!) and set an alarm for lunch time/early afternoon. This meant that we would still be tired come "bedtime" and then we'd have a normal 2nd day. Some people would even stay up all the 1st day. I only ever did that if I had to for some reason but I was usually ready for bed by 7

Original poster

Wildorchids · 02/10/2018 11:04

I'd be happy for the household income to drop so he could go to days, I'd prioritize family time above a bit of extra cash but he's happy with what he earns and doesn't want to take a loss

Thank you for the insight, as somebody who's only ever worked one single night shift (I've always been days) I had no idea just how difficult it would be for him to adjust how I'd like on his days off. I've never spoken about it with him because I'm not one for nagging and feel as though that's how it would've come across

OP posts:

serbska · 02/10/2018 11:05

He is not 'wasting' his days off. He is a permanent nightshirt worker. He has nights off, not days.

This

Fucks sake how can you be so stupid to think he should just switch back to days at the weekend when he only has 2 days off then is back to nights again.

Why don't you and the kids switch to nights at the weekend if you want to spend time with him? Oh yeah, because that would be super awful on the body.

Night shift workers already have enough long term health issues without you adding to his stress.

I don't know how anyone with a DP/family manages permanent nights. Hard going. I'd be hoping he could get a different day time job TBH.

Ginkypig · 02/10/2018 11:06

What about getting up about 2-3pm?

He's had 4-5 hours sleep but hopefully will get tired early enough to sleep some of the night so he can get up mid morning the next day.

It might not work but may be worth a try.

My dp did this and it worked reasonably well but he was never that fussed on loads of sleep..
Mil did used to stay up if she could until normal bed time. She might have had an hour or so nap.

MyGuideJools · 02/10/2018 11:06

Night shifts are brutal. I only do 2 at a time now and it takes me a few days to get back to normal, and I haven't got young children to worry about.
The first day off after my night I'm wide awake in the evening. It's a horrible jet lagged feeling.
I don't think there's an answer I'm afraid. Until I worked nights I had no idea how awful they were. I feel for you both

Tigger85 · 02/10/2018 11:06

I used to do 2x 12 hour days, 2x 12 hour nights, 2 days off and back in on days. It was utterly awful and I constantly felt exhausted and ill. He can't do 5x12 hour nights then do daytime hours for 2 days. If you need more time with him then maybe he could ask for 4 on 4 off where you will get at least 1 full day with him or find a day job. Both mean a loss in earnings.

Original poster

Wildorchids · 02/10/2018 11:06

@ems137 that is exactly what I was hoping he'd do, what you've described.

But I guess I can't dictate how he manages his free time so haven't said anything because I don't want him to feel as though I don't appreciate everything he does do

OP posts:

Original poster

Wildorchids · 02/10/2018 11:08

@serbska there's absolutely no need to swear at me and call me stupid, you can verse your perfectly reasonable opinion very clearly without stooping to insults.

OP posts:

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