To want DH to not waste his days off

[Wildorchids]

DH works hard and for that I cannot fault him, he does the night shift as the money is good and does 5 nights per week then has his two days off in a row.

His first day off after the last night shift he will spend sleeping so he can catch up on some much needed rest, if he gets in at 9am I'll leave him to sleep until 6ish in the afternoon undisturbed then wake him to eat and spend time with the DC before bed if its getting a little late.

My problem is this, after catching up on his sleep during the day he will then stay up until 4 or 5am the next morning watching TV or using the computer as if he was doing another night shift. This then means he's tired all day the following day and will spend that sleeping too.. Only to wake up as the evening is drawing in and bedtime is approaching for me and the DC. He will then do the same again, until the following night when he is back at work.

As a result we get little to no family time and our relationship is suffering because of it. I'd like to take the DC to soft play together, or on a little outing, but because of the way he spends his time off work this is impossible.

Aibu to ask him to try and make the most of his days off with me and the DC? Its not as though he 'can't sleep at night but chooses to stay up doing other things instead.

Night shift plays havoc with the sleep patterns. Is he at least cleaning etc during the night when he is off work?

2 night shifts are bad enough never mind 5, he must be a machine! I can barely pull myself around after a couple!

He needs another job if it’s impacting your family life to the point where it’s making you unhappy. As others have said brutal is the word, it’s probably not great for his health anyway, but if you pressure him to change his waking pattern too much on his days off it might make him unwell. I found night shifts so so hard.

Night shifts are brutal full stop but if I've understood your update correctly then your DH is working a 5x 12 hour shifts a week!
I can't even imagine how exhausted he must be. I used to do 3 x 12 hour night shifts a week and felt like a zombie. Could you afford for him to work less hours? I would be more concerned about the long term impact on his health than anything else.

I don't think he's going to be able to be up all day on his two days off, he's changed his sleeping rhythms and you can't just change back.

But I get you wanting to do stuff - maybe he could get up late afternoon and you could all go out for a walk or to a park around 4pm then go out for tea/dinner together?
Also i don't think he has to sleep till 6pm always. My mum used to work nights, she'd get up at 4:30/5 and cook and we'd always have family meals all week - that's a real benefit as most daytime workers struggle to get home for family dinners all week.

My DH has done similar shifts to yours in the past and the impact on our life was immense (it was before DC) I never saw him but he physically and mentally wasn’t able to be up and functioning well in the day time of his days off. People really do underestimate the impact of working permanent nights.

It took years for him to adjust to a normal sleep pattern after he moved to daytime work.

You need to speak to him, and maybe have an agreement to reduce his nights or rotates them. If you are saving for something specific then put a time limit on it and stop the nights once you’ve reached your goal.

I also used to do nights, it's just not possible to turn your body clock around in two days, especially when you are facing into another series of nights. The only time I could get back to normal is when I had 3+ days off after a series of nights (used to do 7+ in a row), but it's still pretty brutal. You tend to feel permanently hungover and it affects your appetite quite badly.
You need to look as a family at changing hours/jobs if you want more family time.

It’s really hard to turn around and just be up in the day after working night shifts. I tend to make sure I’m up early afternoon on my last one, but then I don’t do permanent nights...I have to turn around to be back on day shifts a few days later. If you were going back onto nights, I can imagine it being harder to be awake at normal day times. He may be up until 4am because it’s hard to sleep before then, and he’s certainly going to sleep in late because that’s what he’s used to. Not sure there’s an answer here, other than planning family time in the evenings rather than daytime. Or getting him to change shifts again if possible.

He doesn't do the cleaning etc when he's up at night no, I have no problem doing all of the housework myself and do a general whip around every day so there's never much for him to do anyway

I'd prefer he take a dip in earnings and work days, we would manage just fine but he has gotten so accustomed to the money he's on I feel he would miss it.

I accept I've probably come across quite selfish here, rest assured I'm not by nature. I've posted here instead of talking to him about it because it did occur I was BU

My DH works permanent nights and has done for 26 years now. He works Sun-Weds 9pm-7am.

He gets up around 10am on a Sunday, then goes through to 7.45am on Monday when he goes to bed. I wake him up at 3pm Mon-Weds, unless he wakes himself up earlier (more common in the summer when it is nice weather)

On Thursdays I wake him up at 1pm otherwise he doesn't sleep Thursday night at a normal time. We usually go to bed around 11pm to 1am, depending on what we are doing.

When I worked years ago and when my kids were still in school, he would take the kids to school at 8.30 & go to bed at 9am when he got back. He would then get up at 2.30pm & pick the kids up at 3pm. He did that for about 4 years.

OP Your DH needs to establish a better routine to enable him to be able to slot back into daytime living on his days off, it can be done, you just need to tweak it to suit him & your family life. Good luck!

Working 5 nights on the run then only having 2 nights off is awful. In my job we do 3 weeks of nights at a time, and in those 3 weeks, family life gets put on the back burner because I am permanently exhausted.

However, I do think your DH could get up earlier after his last night shift - early afternoon rather than early evening. Take the children out, do something fun for a few hours, have a meal together etc, then go to bed at the usual time, and then have one full day doing family stuff before the grind of work begins again.

Come on would you be happy to be awake all night, sleep and then be awake for over 24 hours every week? He's working, he's providing for you. Yeah he can't do much family stuff unless he's on holiday, but that's the bad part of night shift. Speak to him and see if he minds changing to days to spend time with the family, or do one week nights and the next week days. But he will have to use his two days to change to the new shift, so you can't expect his attention then either.

As someone who does nights myself, with quick turnarounds to day shifts as well..
it is brutal trying to function after a nightshift.

However, as PP have said, after my last night shift i go straight to bed, and put an alarm on for about 1300. I spend the rest of the day in a bit of a daze but am tired enough to sleep through the night and refreshed the day after.

If i sleep any later than 1500 (it has happened on occasion/after gruelling set of shifts), my body remains in "night mode" and i then really struggle to sleep at night time, as my body has had enough sleep to keep me going all night!

I think perhaps a casual mention of how you miss seeing him and would like some family time might help; a non-bossy, non-intrusive way of asking without telling?
You seem like a nice person OP, ignore the sweary people further up 👍🏻👍🏻

Just tell him how you feel and ask him to think about it. Ask him if there is anything he could reasonably do to fit in a little more. I imagine it must be difficult being on nights, but he won't know you feel like this if you don't tell him. Also tell him how much you appreciate everything he does. This is very different from nagging, it's simply an openness that is essential in relationships. Maybe there is a compromise that can be found, but also be prepared for him to not be able to change.

I'm going to go against the grain a little and say YANB(completely)U

He's chosen night shifts and refuses to change even though you could manage the reduction in income. I know night shift working is brutal, but once you have a family you do have to take them in to account when you are making decisions about your working pattern and it sounds like he hasn't and refuses to do so. That's not fair on you or the kids, because his decision also means that you are basically in charge and working on house/kids 7 days a week.

He's not going to be able to flip to being awake for the whole day, but sleeping until 6 on every one of his days off isn't going to work either. IME he needs to either go to bed as soon as he comes in (especially if his last shift is a 6-6) and then get up after maybe 6 hours, or stay up so he's effectively having a "late night" by his standards and spend the morning with the family then go to bed early afternoon. So not a total sleep pattern reversal but something in the middle which should be doable.

If he's not willing to change his hours he needs to compromise somewhere. The kids must barely see him

I haven’t worked night shifts, but a close friend does and we struggle to find any time to hang out together because she needs to sleep during the day, but evenings are often ok (her before work and me before bed!)
I would definitely ask dh to do some of thee household chores on his nights off though. Seems unfair that you spend your days off looking after kids, cooking etc and he watches tv. He could prep meals, online shopping, cleaning, anything that is quiet!

Night shift work is brutal and hard on the family /social life. Not only is your DH on nights but he's at work 60 hrs per week. Even with an hour off for 'lunch' and other breaks that's 55 hours per week which is more than the European working time directive allows, unless he has signed away his rights. That sort of work intensity is not sustainable in the long term even if he's on good money - he doesn't have the time to spend it.

Now you've asked for opinions from MN, maybe give things a bit of thought and have a discussion with him about the impact of his work pattern on family life. Pitch it as the 'I'm worried the kids aren't seeing enough of you and spending time doing fun stuff with you. Could we give some thought to how we could change things around for the kids?' So anything from giving this another year to build up a bit of savings and then changing to day work, dropping to 4 nights per week, getting up earlier on days off, etc etc

He is working really long hours, 5 12 hour shifts a week is a lot. If he worked 60 hours in the day he would be tired on his days off too. Could he maybe do only 4 days?

My DH works night shift too but only 8 hours shifts and he still finds it really hard.

YANBU, I'd be gutted at having no family time. It's not what you dream of is it? Regardless of anything else, yanbu to be sad

I do 60 - 72 hour weeks , the last 48 of which are 12 hour night shifts . It’s a royal PITA , because on the last one , I get home at 9ish , do the animals , crawl into bed until about 4 or 5 , get up, eat dinner as breakfast , and then potter about cleaning until about 1am , because if I don’t, I won’t sleep anyway , or I’ll wake up at 4am starving because I been eating dinner at that hour for the last 4 days . I then have to be up at 6.30 the next day to do school runs , and it’s just a slog . I have to schedule family days out to annual leave and add a couple of days off to my rest days , and then do the day out about 4 days into my leave . If I don’t , then I’m too knackered to enjoy it .

I'll talk to him when he wakes up but I've no idea when that will be, he was up until almost 5 this morning playing a computer game.

I do get a bit frustrated but I suppose that's on me.

I completely get that people would struggle to get up after a few hours then go to bed at a normal time enabling a normal second day, but I have seen him do this a lot when there is something he wants/needs to do.

Until a few months ago he used to play sport with a local club every week like clockwork, he would have to adjust his sleeping pattern on his days off to accommodate that and he did so.

Since he stopped playing the sport all inclination to maintain a "normal" day off has gone out of the window, and he now does what I mentioned in my OP. Watch TV or play computer games all night.

Had I not seen him adapt his sleep to accommodate his hobby before I don't think I'd have gotten disheartened in the first place. It just seems as though he will make sacrifices for his hobby but not to spend time with the DC who barely see him

I'd be devastated with a DH who chooses to work a 60 hour week overnight and effectively checking out of family life and your relationship.

No amount of money is worth sacrificing precious time watching your kids grow up or damaging your health for which he must be doing. Is there a reason why he does so many shifts ie debts or major outgoings?

@TomHardysNextWife we do have high outgoings, we aren't home owners yet and for now we're paying over the odds in London rent

I'd happily move though, or take on extra shifts myself.

He doesn't 'need' to be doing 5 nights a week

I was an LP (Widowed), my Mum had my children whilst I did 12 hour night shifts.

I had to go to school/education stuff, I had one child with moderate SN. I had to fit homework/hobbies with all of them and find time for days out.

Yes. I was knackered but you still have to be a Parent.

OP, you need to work out between you when and what you can fit in. There needs to be some semblance of Family life. My DH worked away, so we would plan days out and make the most of holidays, even if Caravan holidays.