To want DH to not waste his days off

[Wildorchids]

DH works hard and for that I cannot fault him, he does the night shift as the money is good and does 5 nights per week then has his two days off in a row.

His first day off after the last night shift he will spend sleeping so he can catch up on some much needed rest, if he gets in at 9am I'll leave him to sleep until 6ish in the afternoon undisturbed then wake him to eat and spend time with the DC before bed if its getting a little late.

My problem is this, after catching up on his sleep during the day he will then stay up until 4 or 5am the next morning watching TV or using the computer as if he was doing another night shift. This then means he's tired all day the following day and will spend that sleeping too.. Only to wake up as the evening is drawing in and bedtime is approaching for me and the DC. He will then do the same again, until the following night when he is back at work.

As a result we get little to no family time and our relationship is suffering because of it. I'd like to take the DC to soft play together, or on a little outing, but because of the way he spends his time off work this is impossible.

Aibu to ask him to try and make the most of his days off with me and the DC? Its not as though he 'can't sleep at night but chooses to stay up doing other things instead.

I've also done 60 hour, five night shifts, just to add.

I remember seeing a thread on here from a step-mother whose partner worked 12hr night shifts. His ex was bringing the kids to him when he was only getting in from work in the morning and it wasn't his days to have the kids...he was called all the lazy bastards under the sun for not staying up all day with them, accused of being a shit father and the step-mother was a demon for even daring to be concerned about his lack of sleep. I'm glad to see this man is getting a bit more understanding, night-shift is brutal.

Bless him, working nights is brutal. I would leave him to it. Perhaps he could use a days annual leave attached onto his days off soon so he has time to adjust and is refreshed to spend a day with the family? Perhaps you could help him look for another job with better hours.

Yabu. Self care is important

DH and I have been married eighteen years, and he still finds it hard that I don't engage in family in the same way that I might if I had a normal clock. You aren't selfish, OP, you're just trying to understand without having had the relevant physical experience.
Night shifts are brutal on the worker, but they're also really hard on family members who are left wondering why a graveyarder would seemingly prefer to stay up all night playing computer games than get sleep when they can, and switch into family mode over the weekend. I can only tell you not to take it personally.
But I'd also suggest that you discuss it with your DH, perhaps making it clear that you aren't asking him to change jobs so that he doesn't feel threatened, and see if you can come to an arrangement where he ring-fences a limited number of hours over the weekend that are dedicated to gentle family pursuits that don't make him "perform" when he is - as PPs have said above - permanently jetlagged.

Going out on a limb, I'd say he knows he's not properly engaged, and doesn't like it much either but feels trapped between earning reasonable money - and who doesn't value that! - and knowing he's not really present. You do go into a real silo mentality (that's not the best phrase, but I can't think of another one - shut-down? I suppose?) when you work those hours. I emphasise, however, that I'm projecting when I say that - that's how I feel, it's not necessarily your DH's experience.

Don't feel bad about feeling down about it, though. It's really tough on you. It's always been tough on DH, but he isn't a reliable earner so he has to tolerate it or we would run aground financially.

YABU to expect him to change his sleep pattern just for a weekend.

YANBU to want him to change his job to a more family friendly work/life balance.

HIBU to refuse to change his job just because the hours and money suit him. He has children, he should be taking their needs into consideration too.

I think you need to talk to him OP and tell him that the current arrangement isn't working for both of you so it needs to change.

What is the possibility of switching to a more family friendly shift or another job even if the money is not so good? After all there is a reason antisocial shifts often pay more. Is extra money brought in by the night shifts worth the affect it has on family life and your relationship?

I don't think its reasonable for him to flip from nocturnal to diurnal for two days each week.

However, it's perfectly possible to shift his sleep for a few hours to maximize family time - most people tend to shift their sleep pattern at weekends anyway.

So if his normal sleep pattern is 10am - 6pm, it's probably not a big deal for him to move that forward to 6/7am - 2/3pm, so you get family time in the afternoon.

It's not unreasonable to recognise that you want to spend more time together as a family but I think you've also been clear that it's a pay off for better pay.

It is hard. My mum worked nights when we were kids and still does now. It was 10-8 now it's 9-7. She'd come home, do breakfast with us, do the school run then walk the dog and go to bed to wake up at 3 to shower and pick us up from school and do all the taxi duty for brownies, dance etc, tea time, bath time and bed then she'd head to work again. She'd do3 or 4 nights a week.

Rather than make your husband go to bed earlier when his body clock might not let him sleep it could be better for him to wake at 3pm or 4pm to do the school run or at least be able to have tea with you or go to the park after school. If h's sleeping until 6pm he's still getting way more sleep than I get and I'm not a night worker! If he's home at 9am and say sleeps at 10am-6pm that's 8 hours!

Just a suggestion. Does he see it as a problem? Come at it from a "we want to see you more" angle.

I mean obviously you can't dictate but you can definitely ask him and say how you'd love to be able to spend time as a family.

Surely there's a compromise in there somewhere?

To be honest maybe I'm not the best person to ask because I handle having very little sleep really well. I worked nights for 5 years and then left and had my youngest 2 children. My youngest often gets up at least hourly and I manage to just get on with my day. I do that 7 days a week and have done for 3 years. I dream of having like a solid 6 hours sleep, i would feel on top of the world!

There's 2 different blokes that live on our street who work nights and they both do exactly what I described in my last post. One of them always collects his little boy from school on a Friday and sets his alarm for 1/2pm then just goes to bed at 11/12 normal time.

What work is it that needs those hours overnight? The only friends I have who do those hours do care/social work, but sleep ins so they sleep but are on call.

What work is it that needs those hours overnight? The only friends I have who do those hours do care/social work, but sleep ins so they sleep but are on call.

Wow. I'm astounded at your lack of awareness.

Omg this is a punishing work schedule and hopeless for family life.
I don't see that it is sustainable OP. There must be alternatives.

How about nursing , policing , out of hours social workers , doctors , environmental health , farming , Amazon type operations , my local grain mill , British sugar , supermarket shelf stackers , the ambulance service , catering companies , Smithfield's meat market , and that's before we get to the night time economy .

He runs a night shift and manages a team of night workers, so cutting down his shifts would be difficult as the company relies on him. If he's not there, nobody else can work their shift. He has cover for his two days off but that person primarily works days, and won't take on any extra nights which is understandable.

Against all odds he is now awake AND we are going to soft play this afternoon. He was woken up by a delivery driver and decided to stay up, I asked if he's had enough sleep and he says yes. He's slept from 5-12 today.

Hooray for the delivery company

I'll have a chat with him over tea

That's fine, as I said, the only friends I have who work 12 hour shifts overnight have sleep ins. The fireman I know may be on call overnight for example but sleeps until a call. I don't know any nurses etc, and don't know many people who work 12 HR shifts overnight, 5 nights on the trot. 🤷

Adjusting is very hard as a night shift worker (I have worked nights for periods in the past).

That said I think that sleeping all day after your last shift in a set is unusual. Most night shift workers I know just have a few hours and get up around lunchtime.

I don't think you can expect him to be up all day, but it does seem reasonable to me to expect him to be around in the afternoons, and for him to be doing some household jobs like cleaning, childcare etc.

You can’t be nocturnal for 5 days, then switch to day times for 2 days. Bodies just don’t work like that.

I think some people can do it and some people can't. I have one friend who works a mix of day and night shifts in a casino and has two kids, one with additional needs. She
just sleeps for five hour stretches and takes a nap if she needs it. A friend at my old work worked night shifts from 8-8 during the week. He used to drop his kids off from school and pick them up too and would be out at any drinks event on a Saturday day/eve. His body just got used to not a lot of sleep.

My step brother worked nights and he just looked destroyed the whole time, as would I, I imagine. Really does depend. Maybe ask him to try it out and see how he copes.

5 12 hour night shifts a week is brutal

I don’t see how that’s sustainable for a person or a family as a whole

Aw bless you OP. I don't think you're being selfish at all. Totally normal to want to spend time as a family together.
Some people are making you out to be awful and selfish- you're not. If you've never been on nights though, you don't know.

My mum used to work one week nights, one week days. It would take her 3 days to get used to being on nights. Then it would take another 3 days to get used to returning to day shift.

Quite frankly, 2 days is not enough time for your OH to adjust.

Your children need to see their father though and spend time with him. As do you. That's part of what being a family is about.

So I think that your plan to have a chat is a good idea. Don't put pressure on necessarily. Just discuss that you know how hard he works and for that, as a family, you are very appreciative. However, there needs to be some balance. There needs to be some family time too. Ask if he would be willing to see if he can have his shifts adjusted? Maybe two weeks of nights and two weeks of days? Something like that?

It takes about three weeks to get used to a change in sleep patterns like that so two days isn't going to work.

My dad worked shifts when I was a kid, two weeks of days, two weeks nights. When he was older it became four days days, four days nights, four days off. He was ALWAYS grumpy. I loved it when he was on nights and out of the house in the evening.

Now he is retired and much better company but also doesn't know what to do with himself as he was always busy or sleeping. Now he can't sleep properly at all and not busy enough.

I sympathise with the situation but the weekend thing isn't his fault. However, if he wants a good relationship with his kids AND good health, he should try to get out of that role asap. It's SO bad for your health.

Ems137....that ís what my dh does when on nights .has a little sleep on Saturday ,then up for lunch.goes to bed at 7 pm sat night,and has a normal Sunday...but my dh wants to spend as much time as possible with the kids.

What work is it that needs those hours overnight? The only friends I have who do those hours do care/social work, but sleep ins so they sleep but are on call

What about doctors, nurses, and the rest of the hospital staff? What about power workers who have to rush to fix power lines during and after a storm? Also their switchboard has to be manned 24/7 . Firefighters, ambulance drivers, 999 operators, railway maintenance workers who need to fix faults when there are no trains. Police HQ, highway patrols, town patrols, prison wardens, bakers. . . .

I'm pretty sure somebody could expand on that. Those are just off the top of my head.

Sleeping off a night shift is not like normal sleep. It actually disturbs your hormones. I wake from my shifts with a cracking headache, hot flushes, sore eyes, stuffy nose and super dehydrated (really sexy I'm sure I must look!). I usually try to wake up a bit early when I'm done for the week so I can sleep normally later and do stuff with the dc, but I'm like a bear with a sore head. 5 nights must be a killer, I only do 2!