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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my MIL was fucking odd!!

88 replies

hungryhippo90 · 01/10/2018 23:17

I’ve included MIL in going to see the school DD hopes to attend this evening. Had one hell of a time recently, been quite unwell with anxiety etc, was recently diagnosed with OCD, I’ve explained to MiL I’m really struggling at the moment and I find being around people uncomfortable, and I’m trig. Or to let people realise how bad my MH is and has been. Hoping that given a little time I will find my normal sort of anxious but less so self again.

I’ve avoided one of DDs friends sets of parents recently cos I’m unwell. I’m just struggling and it becomes more obvious the more time I spend with people.

But tonight we see them and I try to act normally. I say oh give me the baby for a hug (the kind of person I am is if there’s a dog or a baby, I’m either on the floor stroking it, or I have the baby in my arms.... always have been)

MIL looks at me, looks at DDs friends little brother and goes “put the baby down”
I kind of laugh, haha... so she looks at me, teeth gritted and says to me, put him down, you’re here for your fucking daughter not him” I look and I’m thinking what?! “Put him down you’re here for your fucking daughter” she says again but more sternly.
I say DD, the babies sister and another friend seemingly planned to meet, so there’s no problem with being with the friends parents.

I’m just going through this in my mind now because it kind of put a dampener on the night and I’m wondering what it was that I did to cause offence. I was holding the baby whilst trying to give DD a bit of space. I was going to carry the Baby around for a few minutes.. it’s not like I’m a stranger to this family. We’re fairly close.

OP posts:
FaithHopeAndSkulduggery · 01/10/2018 23:23

YANBU

SuchAToDo · 01/10/2018 23:24

We don't know mil, so we can't say why she reacted the way she did...why not invite her over for coffee and ask her why she didn't want you to hold the baby, she obviously had a reason, but only she can tell you why she wanted you to put the baby down...

It may have been something as simple as she wanted you to give a good first impression at the school and rolling around on the floor with someone elses baby instead of staying with your daughter may be mil idea of not giving a good first impression...

If you have a good relationship with her, just ask her,

drinkygin · 01/10/2018 23:27

It doesn’t matter why she did it, she was being hugely unreasonable to speak to you through gritted teeth and swear at you. I wouldn’t be inviting her to any events in future! I hope this wasn’t in front of your daughter.

zzzzz · 01/10/2018 23:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Returnofthesmileybar · 01/10/2018 23:34

It's wasn't odd it was fucking rude! The day my mil, or anyone else, spoke to me through gritted teeth, and cursed at me and told me to not do something it would be the last time they darkened my door!

I think it was odd she was there in the first place though to be honest

Lalliella · 01/10/2018 23:35

I don’t think OP was rolling around the floor on a school visit, I think she does that at someone’s house with a dog!!

OP of course MIL WBVU, that’s awful that she was swearing at you in front of kids. What a weirdo.

CSIblonde · 01/10/2018 23:41

It sounds like she's being a control freak & has poor social skills. What's her 'norm' behaviour wise, both socially & in her relationships? I wouldn't use her as a crutch again at social events, she's clearly not cut out for it (& you might get dependant on needing a safety blanket if you do it too often with whoever).

youngscrappyandhungry · 02/10/2018 00:21

Is your MIL uneducated enough about mental illness generally speaking or your specific diagnoses that she might have panicked and assumed you weren't a safe person to hold a baby, particularly one that wasn't yours? Like maybe she's only heard of OCD in relation to postpartum depression or anxiety and immediately jumped to some out of left field worst case scenario where a mother has a compulsion or delusion to harm a child. With what little info I have about the situation, that was my first guess. Only you would know if she's capable of getting it that wrong or not.

Regardless, I think it's likely to eat at you if you don't know why, so I would ask her directly. I'd just say calmly (perhaps over text) something like: "MIL, I'm confused by how upset you got when you saw me holding Friend's Baby. I'm not angry with you, I just want to understand what made you react that way. Why were you so concerned and insistent I put the baby down?"

Bahhhhhumbug · 02/10/2018 03:34

Well babies aren't dolls and dogs aren't teddies and to say you 'always' end up with the baby in your arms or rolling around with the dog makes it sound as if you don't worry too much whether the owners/parents mind or not.. Maybe your Mil picked up that the parents weren't too happy seeing as it was you that told them to give you the baby for a hug and not them that offered.

Havabiscuit · 02/10/2018 04:22

I have no idea why she reacted like that. Sounds strange. I would assume you and neighbors there for an unpressured school visit and it was kind of you to have baby for a bit so they could look around properly too.

TheDowagerCuntess · 02/10/2018 05:12

I'm sorry for the struggles you've had recently.

This is so strange as to suggest that there must be some sort of back story. If not, I'd suggest asking her what the issue was, if only to avoid it happening again.

SnuggyBuggy · 02/10/2018 05:18

It's hard to say who was in the wrong without being there to be honest.

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/10/2018 05:31

Her reaction was odd. Did you ask her for help to avoid these people? Maybe she was trying to support you to respect your own decision. Maybe she’s a control freak and thinks you shouldn’t be socialising due to having a “mental illness”. Maybe she saw the parents didn’t want you holding the baby. You won’t know without asking.

AGHHHH · 02/10/2018 06:08

That's truly bizarre. Try and find out why!

greenberet · 02/10/2018 06:52

sorry Op you’re struggling -fully understand that feeling of wanting to avoid people In case they can tell. You know yourself you are not right and think everyone else will spot this too although in reality they probably don’t.

Have you had any issues with your MIL before but maybe not really thought they were issues as such, with your DH just asking incase this could be the root of your anxiety but you haven’t yet made the connection.

Agree her behaviour was awful I first thought too maybe she thought you may harm the baby but even so no excuse for way she spoke to you

Just have a think about your relationship with her generally

loveisland · 02/10/2018 07:11

She may of felt that she come to support you and dd, knowing you mh issues, instead it looked to her you come for a lark with someone else's children.
There's got to be a backstory with mil character as it does seem extreme!!

FruitCider · 02/10/2018 07:22

To be honest i do think it sounds a bit odd that you started cooing over someone else's baby during a school tour, why couldn't that have waited?

Your MILs reaction was odd too, but then if you procrastinate like this all the time (you stated you always end up with other people's babies in your arms or "on the floor with the dog) then I'm not surprised she's annoyed.

Your behaviour at the open evening was odd, she could have felt embarrassed, but she still shouldn't have sworn at you.

AuntBeastie · 02/10/2018 07:25

Very weird and not appropriate to swear at you like that at all - I would be upset too

HazelBite · 02/10/2018 07:30

Did the parents want their baby cuddled?
I , personally used to hate this, perhaps your MIL saw annoyance from the parents that you didn't pick up on, just ask her!

DocusDiplo · 02/10/2018 07:30

I dont think you should have shared your personal health issues with her. She seems dangerous and could use it against you in the future and accuse you of being deranged. I would keep her at a distance to stay safe and only see her with your DH around. Just my opinion....

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 02/10/2018 07:34

Whatever she was thinking, she was way out of line speaking to you like that. I‘d keep a judicious distance from her in future.

Fairylea · 02/10/2018 07:35

I am wondering if the parents pulled a face and didn’t want their baby cuddled - my mum is the type of person who will randomly go and cuddle peoples babies / even people she’s close to and ask them but it’s more that she’s asking as she’s doing it and people really don’t like it but don’t feel they can say no. I am wondering if your mil picked up that they felt uncomfortable... otherwise she’s being strange!

Original poster
hungryhippo90 · 02/10/2018 07:42

Sorry i must have not explained myself very well. I wasn't rolling around- in that environment that would have been seriously weird. And the parents have no qualms, the baby often comes to me. And i dong go around just grabbing everyone's children but the people who know me, know me to need a bit baby mad.

MIL has very little understanding of MH, and acted somewhat weird when i got my new diagnosis, so maybe it is that. Her reply was, well therapy will be good.

Mil was invited to the open evening because DD wanted her there and it did become an added bonus as DH was stuck on the motorway.

MIL and i generally have a good relationship. She has really made an effort with me for the years i have been NC with my own family.
I know that she is generally a spiky character. She frequently goes through situations at work where people don't Want to be around her because she will take umbridge to something and i can only assume speaks to people like she did with me last night.

It may also be worth pointing put that it was a high school we went to visit, and I'm aware that DD will need to be more independent, hence me keeping back a little and allowing the girls to create their own plan of where they wanted to see in the school instead of me creating that list, i thought i would do what i normally do on the school run, the baby was being carried anyway.

She made me feel like i was copping out as a parent, but at that moment she was planning where she wanted to see, i felt like wading in would have ruined the excitement of DD and her friends thinking about where they wanted to see for when they hopefully attend themselves.

I really put myself through the wringer as a parent. I try my absolute hardest, and I'm just feeling quite hurt that she spoke to me that way, and Ive been pondering on it and i think the only thing she could have meant was that i wasn't being there for DD.

I am trying to not always jump in and smother DD with my love.

OP posts:
Havaina · 02/10/2018 07:43

I can't believe all the minimising of MIL's behaviour here. You don't tell an adult to 'put the fucking baby down' unless it's your own baby.

And telling OP that maybe the parents didn't want her to hold the baby or that she shouldn't have done it in school is infantilising OP.

Give OP some credit for intelligence, I'm sure she knew the parents were happy for her to hold the baby. Having MH issues doesn't make her stupid.

It may have been something as simple as she wanted you to give a good first impression at the school and rolling around on the floor with someone elses baby instead of staying with your daughter may be mil idea of not giving a good first impression...

Do you often confuse dogs with babies? OP didn't say she rolls on the floor with babies.

Havaina · 02/10/2018 07:44

Cross post

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