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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my MIL was fucking odd!!

88 replies

hungryhippo90 · 01/10/2018 23:17

I’ve included MIL in going to see the school DD hopes to attend this evening. Had one hell of a time recently, been quite unwell with anxiety etc, was recently diagnosed with OCD, I’ve explained to MiL I’m really struggling at the moment and I find being around people uncomfortable, and I’m trig. Or to let people realise how bad my MH is and has been. Hoping that given a little time I will find my normal sort of anxious but less so self again.

I’ve avoided one of DDs friends sets of parents recently cos I’m unwell. I’m just struggling and it becomes more obvious the more time I spend with people.

But tonight we see them and I try to act normally. I say oh give me the baby for a hug (the kind of person I am is if there’s a dog or a baby, I’m either on the floor stroking it, or I have the baby in my arms.... always have been)

MIL looks at me, looks at DDs friends little brother and goes “put the baby down”
I kind of laugh, haha... so she looks at me, teeth gritted and says to me, put him down, you’re here for your fucking daughter not him” I look and I’m thinking what?! “Put him down you’re here for your fucking daughter” she says again but more sternly.
I say DD, the babies sister and another friend seemingly planned to meet, so there’s no problem with being with the friends parents.

I’m just going through this in my mind now because it kind of put a dampener on the night and I’m wondering what it was that I did to cause offence. I was holding the baby whilst trying to give DD a bit of space. I was going to carry the Baby around for a few minutes.. it’s not like I’m a stranger to this family. We’re fairly close.

OP posts:
Original poster
hungryhippo90 · 02/10/2018 07:50

I can understand that maybe it was weird that i held the baby, i was really cooing. He is often out of the pram, and as a matter of routine is passed to me, but i will be more aware of how it might come across in future to others,

I do want to point out though, that i domg think i was causing any sort of hold up. The girls were making plans of where they wanted to see maybe my view is a bit skewed but i was allowing DD a d friends space to view the school as theu liked. Trying not to smother her.

OP posts:
SaucyJack · 02/10/2018 07:53

She isn’t gonna magically become the kind and understanding person you want her to be overnight, so it’ll be easier all round if you stop expecting her to be.

Original poster
hungryhippo90 · 02/10/2018 07:54
  • i wasn't cooing, God I'm not helping myself!
OP posts:
Blackoutblinds · 02/10/2018 07:56

You do sound a bit full on with the baby stuff. Maybe just reign that in a bit in future.

Fairylea · 02/10/2018 07:58

No one is saying op is stupid because she might not have “read” that the parents didn’t want their baby held! Obviously after reading ops update this isn’t the case but lots of people - regardless of having good mental health- are useless at this sort of thing. They just see babies and go all googly eyed and want to hold / squish them. It’s nothing about having mental illness!

Original poster
hungryhippo90 · 02/10/2018 07:59

OK i can take note of the baby stuff. Of didn't think it was weird, bit that's why I'm on mumsnet asking...

OP posts:
Original poster
hungryhippo90 · 02/10/2018 08:01

So many typos!! Sorry!

OP posts:
Blackoutblinds · 02/10/2018 08:01

She has a degree of a point. You were supposed to be there for your dd and personally I would have been engaging with my dd not someone else’s baby because I’d want dd to feel I was putting her first in a situation where she might have been feeling slightly nervous. I’d want dd to know that she was my priority that night.

Original poster
hungryhippo90 · 02/10/2018 08:06

Completely understand blackout but it seemed to me DD was more interested in being with her friends and discussimg what/where they wanted to see, together. I do have a tendency to be over involved and I'm concerned that it's damaging her confidence, so I'm trying to stay at a bit of a distance as to allow her the ability to involve me more if she feels she wants me, i didnt want to ruin her viewing this school which she's got her heart set on.

OP posts:
Blackoutblinds · 02/10/2018 08:07

I do understand that but my persona” opinion is that I’d have listened and not said much to DD but personally not been all over the baby. I do t know why a baby was brought to an event like that anyway. I’d have left mine at home to make the older,one the priority 🤷‍♀️

Fairylea · 02/10/2018 08:09

I personally think if you have to ask to hold a baby then you probably shouldn’t have. People who genuinely don’t mind will be practically throwing their baby at you! Grin But maybe I’m wrong.

I do think your mil was very rude and aggressive towards you regardless of whatever she thought. You just don’t speak to people like that.

Original poster
hungryhippo90 · 02/10/2018 08:12

FWIW and its probably a dripfeed.

One of the thoughts i struggle with is being a failure as a parent. Dr told me the concern isn't that I'm a failure as a parent, it's the behaviours i go to in order to avoid that. Parents like myself go to the other extreme which is damaging in itself. I'm thing to be somewhere in between to allow DD the ability to grow without me being over involved and smothering her. Maybe i wasn't involved enough.

OP posts:
Original poster
hungryhippo90 · 02/10/2018 08:16

Fairylea- i completely get that. They are usually chucking him at me- to my delight. But yesterday was different in i was kind of putting myself out there because i have been absent lately I've worried maybe they thought i didn't like them any more

OP posts:
ZeroFuchsGiven · 02/10/2018 08:16

Your MIL was rude the way she spoke to You but I have a feeling she can see things a bit more clearly than you can. You have said yourself you have been struggling in social situations.

She has taken her time out to go with you to the new school and your attention was on someone elses child and not your own, if anything in that situation you should have said hi and carried on with what you were supposed to be doing.

Original poster
hungryhippo90 · 02/10/2018 08:20

I'd have liked to have done that, but our children deciding to be together to decide their plan for the evening, lumped me with two other sets of parents. Both of which bad babies too, but not being close to one set. I didn't hold their baby.

Maybe i should have been more involved. Shit. I was wrong on many levels.

OP posts:
Blackoutblinds · 02/10/2018 08:22

Don’t over think it. Just learn from it.

Blackoutblinds · 02/10/2018 08:24

Mil was out of order speaking to you like that in front of other people. But she was probably trying to help. I just hope you don’t get into a negative mind set because of something that in the scales was minor and no one else will even have noticed.

NeeChee · 02/10/2018 08:26

Is your DD moving to primary or secondary school?
Does your MIL normally swear? It does seem very rude for her to swear at you.
I don't like spending time with my MIL as she can be unpleasant at times. My view of her changed when she almost shouted at me like I was a child. We were chatting, and she didn't catch something I said just before I took a sip of water. I heard her start to say (and not in a nice way) "take that away from your mouth..." but then she clearly realised what she was doing and stopped.

Keeptrudging · 02/10/2018 08:29

I think your MIL was being weird. Your interaction with your friends sounds totally normal. I would have hung back too and let DD be excited with her friends. Maybe your MIL thought you should be stuck to your DD's side, but I think you were right to not be, she is Secondary age not Primary!

Fairylea · 02/10/2018 08:34

Don’t feel bad about this. You did the right thing to let dd be with her friends. Whatever happened with the baby isn’t a big deal. Have a coffee and cake and think a virtual f you to mil and move on. It really isn’t worth overthinking.

Sparkletastic · 02/10/2018 08:36

Your behaviour seems completely reasonable. Your mother in law sounds rude and aggressive. I'd lessen contact with her.

Lazybonita · 02/10/2018 08:41

I really don’t understand a lot of the responses you are getting! Please dont beat yourself up about this! Your Mil was massively out of order and I don’t think it sounds like you did anything wrong. Possibly you miss read a social situation with regards to the baby, we can’t know if you did because we weren’t there to see it. But even if you did your mils reaction would still have been massively ott and horrible. You were there for your dd, chatting to friends and holding their baby for a while is not a big deal, especially as it enabled your dd to check out the school with her friends which is important.

Outnotdown · 02/10/2018 08:43

I think your mil's behavior was outrageous and inexcusable. I would have trouble being around her after that.

You sound like a good mother to me op, and I think it is perfectly normal to have a go of a friend's baby.

Perhaps your own family background has coloured what you deem to be acceptable behavior? It is NEVER ok for someone to behave like that, never mind questioning what you did to cause it.

She is in the wrong here, and I hope your husband stands up for you. You sound as though you are very hard on yourself, please give yourself a break.

And don't worry what caused her to behave that way; be angry that she treated you like that

FlowersBrewCake

Willow2017 · 02/10/2018 08:44

Oh ffs.
Lots of people like a cuddle with friends babies and op has said the baby knows her well. She didnt run away with it she was chatting to friends whose own dd was with her dd planning thier evening.
The kids were doing thier own thing her dd wasnt standing in a corner being ignored!

Mil was seriously out of line. How dare she speak.to another adult like that? If op wanted to hold a friends baby its nothing to do with her and if friend is happy with it its nobody else's business.

Tell her never to speak to you like that agsin op or she can jog on and keep her distance.
Dont bother inviting her anywhere else for a while. I wouldnt want to be around someone so nasty.

Hope you are feeling much better soon. You were NOT in the wrong.

diddl · 02/10/2018 08:55

I think that MIL was very, very rude & wrong to speak to you like that.

" Parents like myself go to the other extreme which is damaging in itself."

Does MIL know this? If so, it would explain her overreaction at you showing interest in a baby whilst "ignoring" your daughter.

As long as you were keeping an eye on your daughter & could have been there if she had wanted/needed I can't see the problem.

It's not as if she was in tears trying to get some scrap of attention from you.