To think my MIL was fucking odd!!

[hungryhippo90]

I’ve included MIL in going to see the school DD hopes to attend this evening. Had one hell of a time recently, been quite unwell with anxiety etc, was recently diagnosed with OCD, I’ve explained to MiL I’m really struggling at the moment and I find being around people uncomfortable, and I’m trig. Or to let people realise how bad my MH is and has been. Hoping that given a little time I will find my normal sort of anxious but less so self again.

I’ve avoided one of DDs friends sets of parents recently cos I’m unwell. I’m just struggling and it becomes more obvious the more time I spend with people.

But tonight we see them and I try to act normally. I say oh give me the baby for a hug (the kind of person I am is if there’s a dog or a baby, I’m either on the floor stroking it, or I have the baby in my arms.... always have been)

MIL looks at me, looks at DDs friends little brother and goes “put the baby down”
I kind of laugh, haha... so she looks at me, teeth gritted and says to me, put him down, you’re here for your fucking daughter not him” I look and I’m thinking what?! “Put him down you’re here for your fucking daughter” she says again but more sternly.
I say DD, the babies sister and another friend seemingly planned to meet, so there’s no problem with being with the friends parents.

I’m just going through this in my mind now because it kind of put a dampener on the night and I’m wondering what it was that I did to cause offence. I was holding the baby whilst trying to give DD a bit of space. I was going to carry the Baby around for a few minutes.. it’s not like I’m a stranger to this family. We’re fairly close.

OP you are really over thinking this and some of the PPs aren’t helping. You went to view a school with your DD, your attention wasn’t 100% on it as you and DD met some friends. This is absolutely completely normal. You let DD have some time with her friend, you gave a baby a cuddle. All absolutely normal. What is not normal is your MIL’s reaction. You sound like a lovely mum to me, just try not to try too hard! (difficult I know)

Lots of people like a cuddle with friends babies

I think it was the fact op described these as dd's friends parents and not her friends. There is a world of difference.

Anyway op, I wouldn't think too much into it and maybe have a chat with your mil about why she actually said it.

She has taken her time out to go with you to the new school and your attention was on someone elses child and not your own, if anything in that situation you should have said hi and carried on with what you were supposed to be doing.

Nonsense. There tends to be quite a lot of faffing around and waiting when you visit a school, you don't have to concentrate fiercely on your child every second. Spending 5 minutes out of a busy evening having a quick chat to friends and cuddling their baby whilst your child plays with a friend is a perfectly normal thing to do. You didn't do anything wrong, OP. Just don't include your MIL in this sort of event in future.

She said that in front of your friends??? Wow. Not only bizarre but rude and embarrassing

I cant see that you have done anything wrong here OP, other than over think your behaviour. Your MIL sounds awful!

What did the other family say when she swore at you twice?

I don't get done of the responses here. I am chair of a secondary pta, and we serve tea and coffee at the school open evenings.

Parents are always stopping and chatting to others. Never see anyone going round with total 100% focus.

OP, your Mail was odd, and you sound fine. Letting your DD take some control will help her feel it's her choice of school.

I don't get how anyone is criticising you or defending your MIL at all. That's nuts. She was rude as fuck and you did nothing wrong.

Sorry for late replies. Saw babies dad this morning and have just stopped speaking to him- almost an hour on!

He asked what went on last night because he said he couldn’t make out what was going on, but knew there were words and I gave the baby back quickly after.

I explained it all and he was quite shocked because they weren’t uncomfortable at all, if anything it was nice for them to have their arms free for a moment.

MIL is generally a helpful kind sort of person, I wouldn’t necessarily say nice though, which I know sounds strange, she can be cutting in the things she says if they don’t align with her view, but she’s kind in her actions, and would help with absolutely anything I could ask of her.

MIL has often pulled me up on being too involved, though I do believe some of this comes from me and DHs generation being different to the generation of DD, things have seemingly changed quite a bit, and I wouldn’t say in our area I’m particularly abnormal, and DH grew up in a village, so also a bit different... I’ve sort of checked what others are doing with their similarly aged children, and even she agrees that I’m not much different to other parents.

I had DD in my eye view at the time. She was happy. I’d have strode in like mother lion if that wasn’t the case but I’m really trying to read a situation by her.... I feel like I’m sounding like a child whisperer! But I’m just trying to ensure my own issues aren’t damaging to her confidence and happiness.

Oh good god perhaps i had better check my behaviour now! What the hell is wrong with having a cuddle with somebody else's baby whilst having a walk round a new school?? If anybody told me to 'put the fucking baby down' they would have been told where the fuck to go. The parents of the baby were obviously happy to hand the baby over to someone they know for a cuddle, and OP didn't disappear down some dark corridor leaving her DD to fend for herself.

Your MiL would have been told to get out of my sight tbh. There is absolutely no need to swear at somebody like that. If she felt like she needed to say something there are ways & means of doing so without trying to make you look 3 inches small.

so you ask your mil to take time out to accompany you on this visit.Yshe agrees because she knows about your mental illness and feels she has to support you.Your dd runs off to her friends .You are all over your friends and the baby and your MIL is stood there like a spare part.,She doesn't know anyone- she is your guest. You and your dd are supposed to look after her!! she must feel like she is the fallback incase there was noone there for you to pal along with.

I'm pretty sure if they didn't want you to hold their baby they would have said. When my son was moving to secondary school the kids were put into class groups and away they went with their form teacher, the parents were in the hall while the head was explaining things and giving you the school handbook etc.

You did nothing wrong and your mil was very rude. She should be embarrassed not you.

Your MIL was rude the way she spoke to You but I have a feeling she can see things a bit more clearly than you can
I don’t think put that fucking baby down shows mil can see anything at all with clarity, it is exceptionally rude. No more calling mil for support op, just say the way you spoke to me the other day was unacceptable even if dd hadn’t been around, I’m not going to give you any other opportunities to talk to me like that in front of my daughter.

FruitofAutumn conveniently omitting the part where MIL told a grown woman to 'put the fucking baby down', not once, but twice. Well done, FruitofAutumn.

FruitofAutumn I commonly swear at people in such circumstances.
Oh hang on. I don't. Because I'm not an aggressive twat.

Fruit of autumn. Nope. Not at all. She was not a spare part, and I don’t think that my mental health mattered one iota in her decision to come last night.

I didn’t leave MIL, I didn’t treat her as a spare part and I certainly wasnt all over the friends. In fact I hardly spoke to the friends, I spoke directly to MIL throughout the night because I was aware that MIL was there with us, and under my care of you like. the friends kind of included themselves a bit, as did DDs other friends parents which I don’t know very well, but as we were all together.

She swore at a school event?

Your MIL was utterly rude to you. I like to fuss babies and my high school sun likes me near but not in his face too

As ever, there’s more to this than the post – it’s impossible to include all the history, character breakdowns and nuances here.

The swearing though, that strikes me as being out of order in earshot of a baby, other parents and at a school event. It’s also a horrible way to talk to you.

I’m not into asking other people to hold their babies or dogs. I’d have felt very socially awkward if someone made me give them my baby upon bumping into them at a public event – even if they asked and I felt I had to say yes, you have to stay with them, how long do they hold the baby for, you can’t go and look at something else or talk to someone else, yes even if they’re a friend. I like babies, I’ll acknowledge them but I’ll only hold one if the parent offers.

I’m confused now thoughDo they know you were avoiding them? Do they know it was for MH reasons? – were these the parents you’ve been avoiding? I totally get the need to distance yourself from some or all people when your MH is in a particular place but did something change at this open evening? Did your MIL pick up on the other parents being confused about being ignored/avoided recently?

You mother in law gritting her teeth – was that to try and say it quietly so the other mums couldn’t hear? The swearing is what makes it sound especially aggressive, weird, controlling and out of order – is that how you two talk with each other?

There are too many questions and too much unpicking for me here. Could you ask her why she reacted like that?

Hope your daughter is happy with the school she goes to. My son’s in year 6 and we’ve got a whole host of open days over the next couple of weeks.

may also be worth pointing put that it was a high school we went to visit, and I'm aware that DD will need to be more independent, hence me keeping back a little

My parents always struggled with this part - IL never did but as they age suddenly they are.

Kettles are taken out of DD1 13 hands as she’s too young to make tea, after two years of her coping back for 40 minutes to empty house and 6 month getting DS and her ready for both to do that - suddenly it's awful parenting from all DGP – I have no choice and they seem to like it.

When they were younger IL were criticising for us worrying about safety and placing restrictions – suddenly as were allowed more freedom and giving more responsibility it’s like a flip has switched and they want the opposite.

DH is bemused as he was doing way more than our children at younger ages and his parents seem to have forgotten this.

Had workman in last week and he was complaining his mum had ruing that morning to worry over his “baby” having a coat that morning – he said the baby is 12 and perfectly capable of deciding if she needed a coat herself.

I'd continue trying to step back but being there if needed - I'm doing this as I want a better start to adulthood than I had.

You did nothing wrong. Your MIL was totally out of order.

This needs a serious conversation. What does your DH think?

You did nothing wrong - your MIL's reaction was really weird and rude!

It is always a difficult balance a secondary school open days to get the balance right and not take over and it sounds as though you did a good job in stepping back a little to allow your dd to formulate a plan for the evening. Is your MIL the sort of person that would prefer to jump in a steer dd more?

I think it may have been a mistake to mention your diagnosis to MIL - some people - especially the older generation can be very odd around MH issues.

Megmez, funnily, and not rightly or wrongly, I’ve felt like since the baby was born it’s been a thing, where I see them and I have a hug with the baby, The normal sort of routine to see them is at drop off and pick up each day, at school, and I generally see them once or twice a week for activities with the kids, so I see them a lot, o also go to their house and they’ve been to ours for meals etc, only the past maybe 8 or 9 weeks I’ve avoided them, and they know I have, they both also have anxiety so they know- we also discussed that this morning, I’ve avoided them because I just feel out of sorts and I spend hours going over every interaction because it’s just what I do when I’m unwell but because we all suffer to some extent with similar sort of issues, we understand each other, which is why I felt like I could sort of ask for the baby.

Also, just as an aside, last night was different, I had to be there, I couldn’t shy away from people if I had to be there, that would have just been rude, to have been around people and not able to be my “normal” sort of self when I spend time around people. I think I’ve explained that wrongly. But I feel like if I was to be offish when I’m having to be in peoples company is far worse than trying to fake the normal attitude I have with people. Especially when I’ve been in such a space that I’ve not been able to. I hope that comes across as I’ve meant for it to.

I’ve not been able to put on a happy smile and be interested in anything more than the fear that occupies me at that time. Given I’ve avoided them, and I owed it to my daughter to be there last night, I owed it to her to at least appear like I had myself together, and I just acted like I normally do when I see them.

Getting another perspective on the situation was a good idea and your MILs reaction just sounds batshit now.

I think it's possible that both of you have some reasonableness and some unreasonabless at play.

She might be more aware than you that your child is not always immune to the fall out from MH issues.

I know my DH has had to sometimes been much clearer than I appreciated when I was very focused on people not be understanding enough my issues, all while being completely impervious to the extent to which my issues were impacting them. This included my son.

I'm not saying your child must have been in any way distressed or hurt by the attention you gave the baby. But Grandma might be aware of some quiet upset in her granddaughter, because when parents are tied up in their pressing internal issues it can inadvertently leave little kids feeling a bit emotionally left out.

If she regularly has fallings out where people take umbridge, she's the common link between all parties. Her communication style and attitude are the likely culprits, rather than her inexplicably being surrounded by an unusually high number of people who take offence over any little thing.

And I can't think of a less helpful way of communicating that IHO maybe granddaughter could be doing with any extra "maternal looking" attention you have to give, than they way she chose.

I hope talking to the dad has reassured you that your behavior was quite normal and your MIL's was not.

You say she has pulled you up on your behavior before? She shouldn't be doing that at all! I wonder if your insecurity has made a space for her to fill with correction.