To expect in laws to offer help....

[Chocolatecookiesandmilk]

Not sure if I'm being selfish to expect offers of help from my in laws but they never ever offer help, they live very near by and always pop in and will help if asked, but be martyrs about it so I don't ask unless I really need too. We've had kids for over a decade now and past the new baby bit they never offer (Even then it wasn't an offer, more a guilt trip that I wouldn't let them have the baby on their own)

The reason I'm asking this now is yesterday I caught a stomach bug, couldn't stop puking all day and we had been doing some work on the house, the house was in chaos, and they popped in to check progress (4th day in a row doing this but not helping just getting in the way) my youngest told them "mummy has a sickness bug" I heard her whilst dying upstairs lol. My husband is clearly trying to finish up so we can use the kitchen again whilst trying to watch the kids, with tools everywhere etc and they just came looked around then left. I was surprised they didn't offer to watch the kids for a bit so he could crack on or to give them dinner since our kitchen wasn't useable, am I expecting too much or would a decent grandparent have helped?

Aprilslonggone so having spent their youth bringing up their own children and working all hours, if they don’t spend their hard earned retirement helping bring up their grandchildren they should just be cut loose? Is your relationship with your parents only based on what they do for you?

Aprilislonggone- No care for them in their dotage might mean the OP has to repay all the money her in laws have given them for a house etc.
I can't get over some posters think gifts of money is not helping. Many posters on MN would prefer money to any other kind of help. I also think the inlaws may be reluctant to help because of fearing a rebuff.

People have patterns of behaviour. You say theirs is they help if asked, but are martyrs about it. So it's not & never will be their thing. Some people's view of grand parenting is just to observe, you aren't going to change them at their age. The positive is they won't be undermining your parenting style etc. Every cloud...

Invest time into dgc does not mean bring them up at all. I am nc with my dps and they have never helped with my dc as I personally never wanted them to. They were shit dps and that wasn't going to change as dgps.

Aprilslonggone so having spent their youth bringing up their own children and working all hours, if they don’t spend their hard earned retirement helping bring up their grandchildren they should just be cut loose? Is your relationship with your parents only based on what they do for you?

No, that's different, that's HER parents, they are special. Her children's fathers parents can be cut off with no problem.

OP here. Couldn't sign back into my account.

@mrsmuddlepies where did I say they had given us money for a house? The financial help is more along the lines of loaning us money when our washing machine dies, it's always paid back so no worries about being indebted to them in their old age. Not that it leave them struggling anyway.

I don't expect them to help or be doing childcare or anything like that, I'm quite happy me and my partner working round each other to make sure that's all covered, I only said they never offer to give a fuller picture, I just honestly found it quite baffling that they happily popped round knowing there was sickness in the house, nosed around, got in the way, saw their son struggling and then left. It was fine, he coped and no one got hurt, i just find that to be odd and uncaring behaviour.

Again I didn't ask myself as I was upstairs sick, and tbh when I heard them my 1st thought (between barfing) was why are they here again? And how embarrassing if they can here me. It would be nice to have the privacy to be sick in my own home over any help with childcare whilst sick, I've spent many sickness bugs alone with the kids coping and not expecting anyone to sort it out for me.

Sorry, Chocolatecookiesandmilk2 ,
I was under the impression that they had bailed you out financially. In that case, there is no reason not to help you.
I know a friend of mine (still working, late sixties) feels guilty at not doing more for her son and Dil and grandchildren, but as she admits, her Dil finds substantial money gifts just as useful!

@mrsmuddlepies I'm not sure why you got that impression, i didn't go into much detail about the financial stuff? I don't think any amount of money can replace building a decent relationship, if you have money it's easy to throw it at people but it doesn't bond you to them. My MIL is younger than that and doesn't work at all. I'm sure if your friend is feeling guilty about doing enough then she's probably doing more than enough though x

Money can't buy relationships. And actually I think the people with less money are the people who give the most in other ways.

My In-Laws have never helped once, we only have one child and she's pretty good. They would on the other hand offer to help SIL all the time. As a result my DD doesn't have much of a relationship with them, they are more like family friends who visit/are visited once every eight weeks now. Sad but tbh I don't actually think they care that much. She has a lovely relationship with my DP's though so I think that helps.

They just sound a bit clueless.

The only way to deal with it is to ask them, and if your DH isn’t capable of saying “oh hello, wonderful, you’ve arrived just in time to wrangle the kids while I clear the kitchen / put the tea on” then he is half the problem.

No one in our family has a problem with “while you’re here would you mind giving me a hand to...”.

Also they sound bored and aimless, with all this popping in and interfering. Give them some direction! “We’ll be decorating the kitchen on. X weekend, would you be able to take the kids to xxx fun place / bring us a shepherd’s pie / “.

@ShesABelter derail but love your username 😬