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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect in laws to offer help....

112 replies

Chocolatecookiesandmilk · 01/10/2018 09:13

Not sure if I'm being selfish to expect offers of help from my in laws but they never ever offer help, they live very near by and always pop in and will help if asked, but be martyrs about it so I don't ask unless I really need too. We've had kids for over a decade now and past the new baby bit they never offer (Even then it wasn't an offer, more a guilt trip that I wouldn't let them have the baby on their own)

The reason I'm asking this now is yesterday I caught a stomach bug, couldn't stop puking all day and we had been doing some work on the house, the house was in chaos, and they popped in to check progress (4th day in a row doing this but not helping just getting in the way) my youngest told them "mummy has a sickness bug" I heard her whilst dying upstairs lol. My husband is clearly trying to finish up so we can use the kitchen again whilst trying to watch the kids, with tools everywhere etc and they just came looked around then left. I was surprised they didn't offer to watch the kids for a bit so he could crack on or to give them dinner since our kitchen wasn't useable, am I expecting too much or would a decent grandparent have helped?

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Original poster
Chocolatecookiesandmilk · 01/10/2018 09:59

Pinkblanket, i agree, i also wouldn't pop in and get in the way 4 days in a row knowing there was a sickness bug in the house. Like I said had they not kept popping in I wouldn't have considered them helping.

Anonymountains, they don't do fun stuff with them so can't see them being good times grandparents, they are very practical and don't do fun lol. And there is no way they would make us lunch or dinner even if we hung around at that time.

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Original poster
Chocolatecookiesandmilk · 01/10/2018 10:00

*snowymountains

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Laiste · 01/10/2018 10:01

My DH never asks, he has a weird relationship with them, they appear close but he can't talk to them about anything, i had to tell them I was pregnant for example

There it is.

They're his parents ans the tone of the relationship between you all is set by the type of relationship he has always had with them. Stuff like that doesn't change without someone doing some work on it. ie him if he wants to.

whatwouldyoubelikeat28 · 01/10/2018 10:09

I don't know, my SIL was offended if I helped without being explicitly asked, and then was bitter I didn't help enough. Now, we try to find out exactly what it is she wants from us, and she complains she has to do all the organizing. Is it possible you are one of those people who are hard to please?

drinkygin · 01/10/2018 10:16

No you are not being unreasonable. Of course they should have offered to help, I can’t understand being in this situation with a friends kids, nieces/nephews etc and not offering, let alone grandchildren. Hope you feel better soon OP! Flowers

Original poster
Chocolatecookiesandmilk · 01/10/2018 10:19

Laiste his brother is not like that at all with them, so I can't blame them for DH not being able to talk to them, he can talk to me though.

Whatwouldyoubelikeat28 no not at all, I'm an introvert and very self sufficient, I've always been happy to just get on with everything, but if you have to interfere in my life at least be helpful occasionally ya know lol. Did you offer help or just help without asking?

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Original poster
Chocolatecookiesandmilk · 01/10/2018 10:20

Thank you drinkygin. Feel a lot better today x

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Myimaginarycathasfleas · 01/10/2018 10:22

You do seem to have the worst of both worlds, OP. If they are casual enough to drop in uninvited, they can’t expect to be treated like guests. You need to have a few useful jobs ready for them when they next turn up unannounced.

Perhaps because my DC live a long way away, it wouldn’t occur to me to just drop in. I love them to bits but it’s not respectful of their time and privacy. Plus, just because my DS might be pleased to see me doesn’t mean his OH would, and it’s her home too.

EK36 · 01/10/2018 10:23

Im in the same situation. No grandparents offer to help. But you can't expect them to WANT to. A lot of them think "I've done my bit with my kids, it's your turn now" I used to host dinners and invite them to parties. When I used to visit my FIL with my small children he would actually stand at the door, and not let us in his house! Now I just focus on what is important in order to manage well with the children. Recently I was very ill one weekend, my FIL popped over. I told him that I wasn't well so to come back another day. He looked taken aback and annoyed. He did not offer to help with the children, but I do not expect anything more. Treat people how they treat you.

Laiste · 01/10/2018 10:23

My XH had/has a really crap relationship with his parents while his brothers both seem to get on with them just fine. It's odd when that happens. Normal family. No abuse or anything. In XHs case i think it was him which was the weird one. Hence X Grin

user1457017537 · 01/10/2018 10:24

I have read in here that new mums don’t want in laws to see their DG until some time after the birth and want to keep them at arms length as they want time on their own. I believe that to have a good relationship you have to include in laws in the good bits as well as the bad! I sometimes think people cannot win and that if they were to have taken over they would have been considered controlling. Your husband could also have postponed working on the kitchen and minded the DC whilst you were out of action.

Original poster
Chocolatecookiesandmilk · 01/10/2018 10:30

Myimaginarycat my father in law loves practical jobs, he turned up at 8am one Sunday morning to paint our outside woodwork without being asked or asking if we wanted him too, he had nothing to so and thought it needed doing. I was In bed and heard clattering outside.....

EK gosh your FIL sounds awful!

Laiste haha! I don't think DH is odd, i just think my BIL refuses to put up with their crap, my DH is the clear favourite as he does what he's told mostly. Which is a toxic dynamic anyway

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MereDintofPandiculation · 01/10/2018 10:31

They sound like the kind of people that want all the best bits of being a grandparent ie popping in when they are bored, christmas no doubt etc to suit THEM, but they don't actually help or give anything back in return. They also sound like the kind of people who are used to coping by themselves, don't expect help unless they ask for it, and assume others are the same and will ask if help is needed. Who knows which it is?

Original poster
Chocolatecookiesandmilk · 01/10/2018 10:34

User, there is a balance though no? It's not either leave is alone completely or be controlling crazies. A simple oh do you need a hand with chocolate out of action today? Postponing the job he was doing was not an option, and he did cope and even fed them lol, he can manage I just didn't know if I was being unreasonable to be baffled that in this situation they didn't offer. Guess it's mixed, everyones different and all that x

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Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 01/10/2018 10:34

I've learnt to never expect anyone to help especially grandparents.

There seems to be this myth that every grandparent wants to jump in and help all the time but there are some who think they've done their time as parents and don't want to help.

I think that's fair, they're not obliged too.

It would have been nice if they offered but they don't have to.

Original poster
Chocolatecookiesandmilk · 01/10/2018 10:36

Meredintof yeah you are probably right, they aren't bad people, a little odd maybe haha but not bad. They obv just work differently and don't mean any harm.

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Saltedcaramelcake · 01/10/2018 10:41

I think it's hard for in laws to get it right (please don't let my in laws hear me saying that!!). Some people complain on here when in laws are too much, interfering, wanting to babysit etc, then others complain that there are no offers of help and they never visit. In laws/grandparents can't win!!!

I guess with either situation the key thing is communication, if you want them to do more ask, if you want them to stop popping around tell them to stop! People aren't psychic are they?

My in laws were driving me nuts interfering, I told them to stop. Went down well as you can imagine, but they leave us alone now! (I love how easy I make that sound written down Grin.)

Snowymountainsalways · 01/10/2018 10:43

Some parents aren't interested full stop, do what suits you and nothing more in the future, then they won't annoy you :)

dueanotherchange · 01/10/2018 10:45

I will bet cash money that by popping in for four days they thought (and told the neighbours) that they were helping.

Memories of DMIL in the days after DC1 was born are coming flooding back......

RomanyRoots · 01/10/2018 10:46

I know what you mean OP.
Of course you can't expect them to, but it would be good if they offered.
my ils made a song and dance about not seeing our dc when they were little as we lived miles away.
We moved closer to be nearer family as they might need us when old.
Mil, as soon as we were here got me to one side and said "I hope you don't think we'll be offering to look after dc".
I was gobsmacked and never asked them.
Why do they do these things, I would never have put on them, nor expected anything.

user1457017537 · 01/10/2018 10:47

I didn’t mean any harm but it is just quite awkward to have a balance. As a previous poster has said communication is probably the key. I think it is nice if it is perhaps more formal ie a couple of hours once a week to give you a break on a set day and not just popping in when they are passing. It’s not easy I know

Original poster
Chocolatecookiesandmilk · 01/10/2018 10:50

Saltedcaramelcake yeah you are right, and they are a million times better than my own parents (I've spent time over on the stately homes thread) so my standards for them have been low, and i don't expect them to do stuff usually, but after day 4 of them popping in watching us struggle I guess I just saw red. Communication is key for sure, but after a very long battle with my own parents over much much worse things when I tried to communicate with them I think I'll just let it go, after having a rant a realise how miniscule a problem if actually is and just isn't worth the fall out.

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GreatDuckCookery6211 · 01/10/2018 10:51

no not at all, I'm an introvert and very self sufficient, I've always been happy to just get on with everything

Could this be why they don't offer OP? Do you think they might wonder if you'll be offended if they offer help and that you might read it as not coping?

Bluetrews25 · 01/10/2018 10:52

They sound a bit crap, TBH, and will reap what they sow in terms of relationships with their DGCs.
In their place, I'd like to think I would have offered to take the DCs out and feed and look after them while my DH would have offered to stay and give a hand with the practical jobs on site.
But I have learned a lot from my shite ILs and reading MN. Halo
Hope you are feeling a lot better now, OP.

Original poster
Chocolatecookiesandmilk · 01/10/2018 10:54

Greatduckcookery yep you are probably right, I've always just got on with it and never ask for much so they probably think I'm just ok doing it all myself. Which for the most part I am. They don't know Any different. I'll just continue asking when I need their help.

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