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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect in laws to offer help....

112 replies

Chocolatecookiesandmilk · 01/10/2018 09:13

Not sure if I'm being selfish to expect offers of help from my in laws but they never ever offer help, they live very near by and always pop in and will help if asked, but be martyrs about it so I don't ask unless I really need too. We've had kids for over a decade now and past the new baby bit they never offer (Even then it wasn't an offer, more a guilt trip that I wouldn't let them have the baby on their own)

The reason I'm asking this now is yesterday I caught a stomach bug, couldn't stop puking all day and we had been doing some work on the house, the house was in chaos, and they popped in to check progress (4th day in a row doing this but not helping just getting in the way) my youngest told them "mummy has a sickness bug" I heard her whilst dying upstairs lol. My husband is clearly trying to finish up so we can use the kitchen again whilst trying to watch the kids, with tools everywhere etc and they just came looked around then left. I was surprised they didn't offer to watch the kids for a bit so he could crack on or to give them dinner since our kitchen wasn't useable, am I expecting too much or would a decent grandparent have helped?

OP posts:

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 01/10/2018 12:54

I wouldn't say that personally OP. Not if you want to keep a good relationship and want them to help out in future.

Honesty is best imo.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 01/10/2018 13:56

@fuzzywuzzy If they were nice kind people...etc.

Fuzzy has it spot on. It's not that they're the grandparents, it's whether they're kind people or not.

The kind people I know (family, friends, whoever) would have seen that your family was having a rough weekend and helped out with the DC; the not-so-kind wouldn't.

I've learned to really value kindness in people, it's a wonderful trait. My in-laws aren't particularly kind either, but other family members are. Guess who I have more time for.

mrsmuddlepies · 01/10/2018 13:57

Greendale, your comment below
They sound like the kind of people that want all the best bits of being a grandparent ie popping in when they are bored, christmas no doubt etc to suit THEM, but they don't actually help or give anything back in return. They want their cake and to eat it too

What about the financial help which the OP admits to finding useful? Or is it best for baby boomers not to be generous with their money because it doesn't really count as helping?

labazs · 01/10/2018 17:25

decent human beings would have helped regardless of the relationship

AvoidingDM · 01/10/2018 18:43

Op say exactly that. Let them know help would have been welcome.

My ILs wouldn't have bothered to come near us. They most certainly want the good bits of Grandparenting without the duff bits.

On the other hand my mum (who has plenty on her own plate) would have been rattling around hoover in-hand before actually asking if help was needed.

We were moving house just after our first was born my mum came round to pack boxes and clean the house. MIL wanted to go pram pushing "to get the wee one out your way" hmmmm!

Then they get upset because I favour my parents over them. And before anybody says anything they were both at the first hospital visiting session after eldest was born.

AvoidingDM · 01/10/2018 18:44

decent human beings would have helped regardless of the relationship

Thats a very very good point.

DailyMailFail101 · 01/10/2018 20:52

I broke my ankle during the summer I have a 1 year old and a four year old, my in laws live just a 15 minutes drive away, I looked after the children best I could struggling everyday for six weeks, they didn’t offer to help or visit once, I had no help nearby just them , I asked them to drive me and the children to the hospital to have my second lot of X-rays two weeks into it as I didn’t think I could manage crutches/pram/two children on my own in a taxi, they didn’t ... my MILs hair was thinning apparently so didnt want to go out of the house and FIL wouldn’t do it alone, I struggled in a taxi by myself. Moral of the story not all a Grandparent care!

I would of thought your in laws could of helped at least for an hour or so but nothing surprises me with in laws anymore.

FunSponges · 01/10/2018 20:58

YANBU. My ILs are the same. Never ever any offer. My DCs are older, no bother at all. My elderly nan jumps at the chance to have them and insists I go and do some shopping just as an excuse to have them. She bakes and does gardening with them, will babysit and phones just to speak to them. MIL does none of that and never has done despite being in very good health and has loads of time on her hands. If she ever did do anything, she would definitely expect something in return.

I find it weird but MIL has always been the type 'done bringing my children up' and seemed to cease being a parent once they were adults. I can't imagine this and will always be there for my grown up DCs. And she wonders why her DCs don't bother with her and only see her when she contacts them first. You reap what you sow really.

choli · 01/10/2018 21:43

My mother was like this too - once we were adults, we were supposed to help her out, not the other way around, whether the help was practical or financial.

I never resented it, she had done her bit by bringing us up and n ow it was payback time. Neither my siblings nor I would have expected her to be at our beck and call for babysitting or financial help.

FunSponges · 01/10/2018 21:53

I never said MIL should be at our beck and call. However I do not comprehend adults who cease to be parents just because their DCs are grown up. They also chose to have you, there should be no payback for them bringing you up. What a bizarre attitude.

EthelHornsby · 01/10/2018 21:59

I brought 4 children up without much help from grandparents - did not expect any as they had their own lives and worked. My children are adults and I’m still expected to be ‘mum’in a crisis. If I become a grandma I would not be volunteering regular childcare as I have a life and am not keen on relinquishing it, and to be honest I do not have the energy to look after small children. It’s not the GPs who are selfish, it’s people who expect others to take up the slack with the children they have chosen to have

GunpowderGelatine · 01/10/2018 22:00

In MN Land YABU for even thinking of them helping, in fact you're lucky they even bother with kids at all. But in the real world YANBU decent people and parents would help. My FIL and step-MIL are like this, they never offer help - but they have step-MIL's grandkids round ALL the time, their kids are the same age as ours and it really hurts.

Jenijena · 01/10/2018 22:02

I’m 39 weeks pregnant with my third child. My mum - who lives 90 minutes away - has yet to even ask what we’re doing for childcare around the birth. My in-laws, who are six hours away, can’t wait to help. YANBU but it’s hard.

harriethoyle · 01/10/2018 22:14

Ywbu for not asking for help but then snarking at them passive aggressively. If you're not even prepared to ask, you can't then play the victim afterwards.

Nightwatch999 · 01/10/2018 22:34

Sorry but YABU. You have a partner, why is it everyones else's responsibility to look after your kids just because you are poorly? Single parents just have to get on with it.

notsureofname · 02/10/2018 01:53

Snowmountainsalways. You sound incredibly selfish and not setting a good example to your children. What does "Don't give anything back in return mean" ? Give back in return for what ?

Dontfeellikeamillenial · 02/10/2018 02:01

Feel your pain op.

FIL stayed over for two nights mid week last week. He left on the Friday morning. He did 0. Me and DH both work full time, outta the house with x 2 kids at 7am, back at 5pm. We cooked dinner, washed up, everything. Friday morning he got up leisurely at 9am after we'd left at 7am and he didn't even wash the plate that he used for breakfast.

Total lack of respect and awareness tbh.

April2020mom · 02/10/2018 04:02

What are the family dynamics like? My mom and dad help us out at Halloween and Christmas that’s it really. They entertain the children during the summer occasionally but essentially for the most part I’m the one raising them both with my partner alone. They are respectful of our wishes.
My 13 year old sister helps me out by babysitting my son and daughter for pocket money sometimes during Christmas. Generally speaking the dynamics sound strange and I don’t recommend using them as a long term childcare provider anymore either.
Find a decent local childcare provider or enroll them in a state licensed daycare. That way they might back off and you will be happier take my word for it. Hopefully anyway. Setting boundaries might also help.

Havabiscuit · 02/10/2018 04:33

Yes it’s crazy. My Dad and stepmother like this.
They should have taken kids back, fed em, bathed em and brought them back in pyjamas with a casserole ready for next day. Ah well. We can dream

KERALA1 · 02/10/2018 07:59

Dh parents like this. We asked for one favour in all our years of parenting- could they have the kids for the weekend of my sisters wedding. We have 2 well behaved girls they are about as easy as kids could be we're about 4 and 6 at the time. All my family who usually would have done it at wedding. Gave them 6 months notice. Recently retired young ish good health. Pulled out because mil felt she needed to do some paperwork. I actually thought she was joking.

I can't really get past it tbh.

ifonly4 · 02/10/2018 11:06

It's you who chose to have children and not them. Both our sides have babysat on occasions, but that's generally as far as it's gone. Obviously you had reasons for wanting to get your home straight, but there was still a capable adult in the house. They'll come a time when you really can't manage and that's when you need to ask for help though, ie I was struggling to breath and couldn't physically stand up, so asked mil to have DD while I went to the doctor, turned out I had pneumonia and was really ill for two weeks. That's the one time our parents stepped in, mil stayed in house with DD until DH could come home and my Mum popped in for four days with shopping an sat with DD for a couple of hours. I've had other times with a sickness bug and spent the day lying on the floor with a bowl by my side, with DD shut in the same room so I knew she was at least safe.

AvoidingDM · 02/10/2018 11:23

I really don't get the logic that "you choose to have children....tough if you need help"

Raising children is a such a long process. Why wouldn't you help if your children need help?

We are one of only 2 species that have a menopause. The other being Dolphins. Grandma dolphins lend a flipper to raise baby dolphins. Surely it's a natural think for Grandmas to do.

I just hope these grandmas who never lend a hand remember that when the day comes and they look for help from their adult children.

AhYeahOkayThen · 02/10/2018 12:37

It is very weird (and rude) to pop in regularly but never offer to help...they're just making a nuisance of themselves by the sound of it.

Aprilislonggone · 02/10/2018 12:41

Imo don't invest in caring for the dgc =no decent relationship.
And no dotage care for the old miserable gits either!!

BrisaOtonal · 02/10/2018 12:46

If they come round and cause more work for you then I would say things like "I'd love to sit and chat but DC1 needs a bath" or "I have to get on now, I have to make dinner and then do X,Y and Z". If they don't offer to help then get them out from under your feet so they cause you extra work. Also I would be going to their house to see them so you can manage the time and let them clear up after everyone for a change.

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