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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect in laws to offer help....

112 replies

Chocolatecookiesandmilk · 01/10/2018 09:13

Not sure if I'm being selfish to expect offers of help from my in laws but they never ever offer help, they live very near by and always pop in and will help if asked, but be martyrs about it so I don't ask unless I really need too. We've had kids for over a decade now and past the new baby bit they never offer (Even then it wasn't an offer, more a guilt trip that I wouldn't let them have the baby on their own)

The reason I'm asking this now is yesterday I caught a stomach bug, couldn't stop puking all day and we had been doing some work on the house, the house was in chaos, and they popped in to check progress (4th day in a row doing this but not helping just getting in the way) my youngest told them "mummy has a sickness bug" I heard her whilst dying upstairs lol. My husband is clearly trying to finish up so we can use the kitchen again whilst trying to watch the kids, with tools everywhere etc and they just came looked around then left. I was surprised they didn't offer to watch the kids for a bit so he could crack on or to give them dinner since our kitchen wasn't useable, am I expecting too much or would a decent grandparent have helped?

OP posts:
Gottagetmoving · 01/10/2018 11:00

They sound like the kind of people that want all the best bits of being a grandparent ie popping in when they are bored, christmas no doubt etc to suit THEM, but they don't actually help or give anything back in return. They want their cake and to eat it too in short.This would annoy me, but we see it alot with the baby boomer generation. Some of them can be a selfish self centred bunch

Absolute rubbish!
Most baby boomers got no help with looking after their children and didn't expect it. It's not something they would automatically think about because they would assume their own children are as self sufficient as they were!

They would also expect that if help was needed it would be asked for.
There is nothing wrong with enjoying seeing your grandchildren and not expecting to have to look after them for that privilege.
If help is offered, great, but it shouldn't be expected.

Sarahjconnor · 01/10/2018 11:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BrisaOtonal · 01/10/2018 11:00

YANBU

In the 13 years I have had my DC, my own parent has helped me once and my very able in-laws have babysat for me, reluctantly and in an emergency, once. They will drive past my house to go to their DD's to mow her grass or paint her walls but won't offer to ever help us out once.

My DC can now be left alone in my house as the eldest can babysit whilst I pop out or sort out an emergency. I don't need them. Let's hope they don't need my help for anything because I won't be offering. I owe them nothing.

tillytrotter1 · 01/10/2018 11:04

I don't know, my SIL was offended if I helped without being explicitly asked, and then was bitter I didn't help enough
I think that's the problem, as grandparents, or the dreaded in-laws, you seem to be damned if you do and damned if you don't!
Personally we don't have these problems, we look after poorly grandchildren, have one for the whole summer holiday , cover late work events etc. when we're asked but from reading these pages, not just this post, I think some parents need to be a bit more considerate regarding grandparents. If you want help, ask, they may be waiting, not wanting to commit the heinous crime of interfering.

Original poster
Chocolatecookiesandmilk · 01/10/2018 11:09

I think if they were worried about interfering they wouldn't turn up as much as they do tbf. So it's not that.

OP posts:
Orchiddingme · 01/10/2018 11:10

I think it's odd they never offer a helping hand, but on the occasion of sickness, I think it's odd they called round at all, surely it's all the risk of getting sick without actually doing anything!

TheBigFatMermaid · 01/10/2018 11:12

MN is weird about in laws. So many moan because they have no boundaries and interfere and the rest aren't happy because they don't offer any help!

Surely the ideal is not interfering, while being on hand to help as needed.

So, I do not interfere in my DD and DSIL and the way they bring up their DC, but when DD rang me and said she was tired from waking baby and had a headache, I went over and helped with the housework and sent her to bed for a sleep. She worried me with how ill she looked but looked so much better when she got up after a 3 hour nap!

BlueJava · 01/10/2018 11:13

My parents have remained friendly and pop in - never once in 16 years have they ever lifted a finger to help with my twin DS. Yours sound the same OP.

Seniorschoolmum · 01/10/2018 11:14

Maybe they have picked up that you think they interfere...and they are trying not to interfere.

Cheeeeislifenow · 01/10/2018 11:15

I have a similar arrangement with my in laws...I s a difference in how they interact with their daughter children and how they interact with their son (my dp's )hildren. I think it just stems from not wanting to overstep boundaries.
They are happy to help..hut we do have to ask. Where as they will pop into sil and take kids for an hour here or there. It's just family Dynamics.

Original poster
Chocolatecookiesandmilk · 01/10/2018 11:16

Orchiddingme yep to be completely honest I'd probably dodge the house till sickness was clear haha.

OP posts:
Original poster
Chocolatecookiesandmilk · 01/10/2018 11:18

Seniorschoolmum, they turn up nearly every day, i don't think that's them trying not to interfere lol

OP posts:
mrsmuddlepies · 01/10/2018 11:18

Many people would see financial help as a big help, you say they have helped you financially.
You also said in your original post that you don't like them having the children on their own. I think they are probably scared of you and nervous about offering help.

jenthehen · 01/10/2018 11:18

ChocolateCookies etc I hope you are feeling much better. You have my complete sympathy as you sound like you are very self sufficient most of the time but I really think they could have offered some help. I'm now a mother of teenagers. I never took on more than I could manage but I had really hoped thst my children would have had a good relationship with their grandparents (we live very close). Sadly as the years passed, regardless of many suggested trips out or activities from me they showed very little interest. To this day I don't know why as they spent a significant amount of time with their other grandchildren. Now, ironically, I receive texts asking if my teenage children would like to go and visit them.....they dont.

Original poster
Chocolatecookiesandmilk · 01/10/2018 11:21

Mrsmuddlepies. Yeah I agree the financial help is amazing and I'm so grateful, but they seem to feel the own us when we owe them money. Also the not wanting them to have the kids on their own was actually only when they were exclusively breastfed babies. Which is common sense to me?

OP posts:
Original poster
Chocolatecookiesandmilk · 01/10/2018 11:29

Jenthehen, much better thank you. My older 2 have no interest in visiting Any more, i do encourage it but they find them boring, they aren't elderly so it's not like that aren't capable of doing fun stuff to form bonds with the kids, they just choose not too, the kids do know they are there though if needed.

OP posts:
Fishforclues · 01/10/2018 11:40

I'd find that very intrusive. My ILs would totally do this but my DH refused to live close enough to them!

Is your husband their eldest? There does seem to be a pattern with parents having a more distant relationship with the child they see as more capable/independent.

Is there a middle ground between them 'helping' and 'popping in'? It sounds like the children aren't toddlers any more, they don't need to be actively entertained every minute. You're not asking them to build walls for you. If you give them a cuppa and ask them to sit on the sofa for 10 mins in sight of their grandchildren, that is hardly asking for a favour. Just making them welcome and pushing a cup of tea on them would cover it!

Original poster
Chocolatecookiesandmilk · 01/10/2018 11:54

Fishforclues yes my DH is the eldest, but I'd say we are the more capable and independent, I think they favour DH as he doesn't ask for much and also helps them a lot. Plus we live closer so easier to pop in.

There is a balance I'm sure but how do you even ask someone to stop popping in all the time without hurting their feelings?

OP posts:
Fishforclues · 01/10/2018 12:03

Yes that's what I'm saying. Adult child seen as capable and independent, parents may like the child but don't offer to help, and the adult child doesn't ask for help.

Your OP was about whether they should offer to help more. I'm just wondering if you could tweak their "inevitable" popping in to something that works better for you. Yes it would be very hard to ask them to pop by less. You could possibly work in some angle of could they let you know when they're coming, especially while you're ill. Or as you say goodbye, arrange to see them Sat or something. But I expect this is far too entrenched a habit to be amenable to subtle hints!

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 01/10/2018 12:10

OP I've found through getting older that in life it's best to speak up and talk about something that's bothering me instead of letting things fester. I've come to understand too that people can't read my mind and if I am unhappy or upset about something I need to say so.

You've got nothing to lose by talking to your inlaws, you never know they might be really pleased and happy to help out? Maybe Grin

Original poster
Chocolatecookiesandmilk · 01/10/2018 12:12

Ah I see. Misunderstood you, sorry.

One of our biggest hints was putting a lock on our garden gate to stop them walking in if we were all in the garden (it happened a lot in summer) but we have lived here a long time so it has been going on far too long for it to be easier fixed. And tbh it only bothers me when they seem completely thoughtless like yesterday, or if they come over way too early.

OP posts:
Original poster
Chocolatecookiesandmilk · 01/10/2018 12:22

Greatduckcookery yeah you are right, think when they pop in to see it all finished (probably later today) when they comment on how lovely it looks all done I may say something like "yeah it's been a nightmare getting it all done with the bug sweeping through us all, could have done with some help, especially yesterday when I was down with it, you popped in yesterday didnt you? Anyone would think you wanted to catch it the amount you've been here haha" or is that to passive aggressive Blush

OP posts:
Myimaginarycathasfleas · 01/10/2018 12:32

This would annoy me, but we see it alot with the baby boomer generation. Some of them can be a selfish self centred bunch.

Hahahahahaha, those of us busy caring for elderly parents, providing free accommodation for boomerang kids and handing over our retirement funds to help them buy their own home might disagree.

Do have a Biscuit, Not home made, I don’t have the time!

greendale17 · 01/10/2018 12:41

They sound like the kind of people that want all the best bits of being a grandparent ie popping in when they are bored, christmas no doubt etc to suit THEM, but they don't actually help or give anything back in return. They want their cake and to eat it too

^I completely agree

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 01/10/2018 12:45

@Chocolatecookiesandmilk say exactly that!!! 😂👌🏻